Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Comedy

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episodes

‘So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?’

‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’

Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’

‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’

At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children

‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’

Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup

‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’

‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’

The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought

‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man

‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’

We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind

‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’

‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’

‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’

‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’

I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?

‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word