Terrible Book Club

Our Patron Lucek requested today's book saying, “Drew Hayes is becoming one of my favorite comedic authors. His NPCs and Fred the Vampire account series are very good. . . but we all have to start somewhere. So, I was hoping you'd read his first published novel, Pears and Perils.” Join us on the island of Kenowai for a Scooby Doo-esque friendship adventure including a cat who is king, a magical pear, and capitalist buffonery.

This week, we were asked to review The Long Moonlight by our Patron Arrant with nary another word. Such mystery - why was this recommended for the show? Why is this moonlight so very löng? Many thanks to Arrant for their longtime patronage of the show! In addition to our usual barnyard language, this episode includes discussion of general fantasy violence/gore.

Our Patron Donnie wrote to us to request Things in Jars saying that neither he nor his wife - nor anyone in their neighborhood book club - was able to finish it, find it enjoyable, or even determine exactly what was happening within the plot. He wanted to know if it was just them or if this book did indeed have a terrible tinge. We were happy to take the case this week and ended up having a lot to discuss in the realms of good, bad, and beyond. Thank you, Donnie - we very much appreciate your patronage and this recommendation especially! In addition to our usual barnyard language, this episode includes discussion or mention of: child abduction, decapitation, jarred specimen, surgery, and our non-graphic but ever present ghoul, sexual assault.

This time, our Patron Austin requested that we read Sword Woman by legendary fantasy author Robert E. Howard. We learn that Chris doesn't know how to use a Table of Contents and Paris confesses her fear of reading Howard and potentially inviting the fury of her entire musical subculture. Our thanks go out to Austin for this recommendation because it was (a) not porn and (b) didn't suck!

This week's review of Millenium University is the product of another of Chris's Amazon Short Reads explorations. Join us this time for some true book sins, like writing out counts for arm stretches, accidentally sentient kitchens, and pacing whiplash!

Tanner's basement book pile produces a new treasure - but at a cost. We just wanted to play with our cats and now we're in another cult. Why does this keep happening to us?

Listener and friend-of-the-show Charlotte donated Afterlife Love to the show and one look at the cover was enough to secure it a place on the schedule for 2023. This week, we take a trip back to Arizona in 1999 and then onward to all of the etheric and astral planes! Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, this episode includes discussion of: cults, dangerous levels of woo-woo, astral travel, pyramid/MLM schemes, sex, and sexual assault/r*pe.

It’s Valentine’s Day so we thought, "Why not celebrate with multiple wives?" Friend-of-the-show Tris recommended Tarryn Fisher's The Wives to us after she read it in 2021 and wondered how the ending could've been quite so bad. We're back from our nearly 3 month winter break and re-entry to our 8th year of terrible books was a painful one. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today’s episode includes discussion or mention of: domestic violence, mental health struggles, miscarriage, misogyny (both internalized and externalized!), & polygamy

It's Paris's birthday today so Chris gave her the gift of skipping this episode! Instead, Mary Parker is here with Chris to discuss their experience reading this novelization of the popular 80s Spielberg film. Even though this book is supposed to be based on Melissa Mathison's screenplay, Kotzwinkle really took some wild "I'm-a-dude-in-the-80s" liberties with her story. Content Warnings: aliens, government abductions, medical torture, and interspecies MILF longings.

Since the well of terrible Carnacki stories has run dry, the Antiques Freaks are here today with us to read a terrible Sherlock Holmes story! The Adventure of the Creeping Man is less of an adventure and more about young people being upset that older people have sex. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, this episode includes: mild sexual humor, mention of drugs, and various bad Victorian ideas and opinions.

Happy New Year, listeners! We're starting Season 8 with Pepper’s Quest by Felicity Brown at the request of our Patron Dee (that’s right, Dee of Antiques Freaks also has Patron rights and boy - do they know how to pick ‘em!) These books were created to flesh out the Bella Sara horse toy/video game/trading card universe that you are probably familiar with if you’ve been to a toy store or near children in the last few decades.

This time, we read The Labyrinth of Dreaming Books by Walter Moers, translated by John Brownjohn. This was recommended to us by our patron Martin who recommended it because this book made fans of Moers question his actual existence - surely, Moers must be a collective of authors whose best member(s) left or perhaps Moers died! Join us in Bookholm this week for another round of us attempting to sing the fake songs featured in the book. Thank you, Martin - this was a great recommendation for the show and we very much appreciate your long and continued patronage. We hope you're all having a lovely holiday season & reading books you like!

We're back this week with another Patron's Choice episode for Patricia! She asked that we review Delirium by Lauren Oliver, a book where love is illegal and you have to get a lovebotomy around the age of 18. Thanks for this recommendation, Patricia!

Chris's brother Adam is here (gasp) instead of Paris to review another novel from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. This review comes at the request of our Patron Crimson Paladin, who said, "There's a book in the legends canon called Red Harvest. It's a horror book set in the Star Wars universe that involves a Sith Academy, zombies, a sentient flower, and a wookie. I wouldn't say it's bad by the usual standards of your show, but it's definitely bizarre." Many thanks to Crimson Paladin for their patronage and to Adam stepping in so that Paris could take an episode off! We all deserve a little time off here and there.

In this week's Patron's Choice episode, we encounter yet another undead detective skeleton in Skullduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy. This was requested by our patron Of The Void (The Taco-Eating Unicorn). He was hoping that this book would be pleasant (heh) for us, or at least less painful than some of our other fare. Although that may have only been partially true, we still thank you for your patronage, Mr. Taco-Eating Unicorn!

For our 2022 Halloween special, we bring you our radioplay of the 1888 play Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Daniel E. Bandmann with our very best podfriends, the Antiques Freaks! This episode was inspired by our Patron Miri who sent us a message in May of last year, saying, “If you want a non-postmodern play (A linear plot!) with a truly absurd backstory, I suggest Daniel Bandmann's adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, written in 1888. It was the losing (and worse) adaptation in an international actor race/lawsuit that led to the lead actor of the other adaptation being accused of being (or inspiring) Jack the Ripper…Both plays involved in the race/lawsuit are bad adaptations, but the Bandmann one is worse--bad writing as well as nonsensical plot and characterization changes, love interest insertion, etc.” Our thanks go out to Miri along with Martin A. Danahay and Alex Chisholm, for creating Jekyll and Hyde Dramatized, from which we sourced the script of this play and the rich history surrounding it. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, this episode includes depictions of murder, violence, misogyny, and various bad Victorian ideas and opinions.

The time is upon us for creepy Craftsmans! This week we discuss our experience reading Man, Fuck This House by Brian Asman and our feelings about haunted houses in general. Our Patron Will chose this for us to read this year and we cannot thank Will enough both for his patronage and his great recommendations. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, this episode includes discussion of: action-movie level violence, gore, demonic children, ghosts, haunted houses, mental health issues, and possessions.

It's another week and another Patron asked us to read their own work for the show! In this episode we discuss our experience reading Season 1 of Ain't a Hero, a web series by Bryan W. Schuder. It's an ongoing "Slice of Life Science Fantasy" set 1,000 years in the post-apocalyptic future where magic and tech are both advanced and accessible. You can read Ain't a Hero for free at aintahero.com and comment along with other fans at r/AintAHero . We thank Bryan for his generous and long-time support of the show - and hope he doesn't blast us into the next post-apocalypse after this review.

We take a brief reprieve this week from our slew of Patron requests to dive back into the deep, dark waters of Amazon Short Reads. Chris pulled Identity Switch: Becoming the Woman Who Gets What She Wants by April & Adrianna Mason from the depths because it appeared to be pulsing with Ho Tactics vibes. Beneath these initial vibes, though, Paris & Chris discover that this is actually a self-help book they can almost get behind. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today’s episode includes discussion or mention of: sexual assault and stereotypical western patriarchal gender roles

Our patron Lynn requested that we read Arabiolosis by Nathen Mazri, the man who brought the world GarfieldEATS. We were soon launched into an endless downward internet spiral of Garficcinos and rancid lasagna to discover what toxic amounts of privilege can unleash upon the world. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, today’s episode includes discussion or mention of: gender and sexual politics in Saudi Arabia and HIV/AIDS.