The Jokes for Today

Hey, I wrote a short story tonight, and decided to record it. This isn't the regular podcast, just me reading a short story (in earnest?)

Thanks for listening! As always, I have two weeks to go viral and become a famous comedy writer, or I'll be homeless. Not really, but if I could be famous in two weeks, that would be awesome. You can read my book in 3 different ways: 1. Download for FREE with Kindle Unlimited 2. Purchase the e-book for $3.95 3. Purchase the soft cover book for $5.99 The book is over 100 pages, so it's a good value however you choose to enjoy it. https://www.amazon.com/Riddles-Easily-Confused-Jonas-Polsky-ebook/dp/B079Q72RW4 I make like $2 per sale, and the goal is to just make it popular on Amazon so I can get a book deal, or get a job, go on a first and second date with a woman, I'm looking for any positive outcome. Now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably hopeless, so I may stop plugging the book. Buy it right now before you forget.

More than 40 copies sold! https://www.amazon.com/Riddles-Easily-Confused-Jonas-Polsky/dp/1796558109

GO BUY MY STUPID BOOK! https://amzn.to/2m7GmXs

This is my writing packet for The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. If you need a late night joke writer, contact me at jonaspolsky@gmail.com Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about controversial cookies, the CEO of Starbucks running for president, being microchipped by a corporation, an emotional support alligator, and Patton Oswalt helping a GoFundMe.

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about the government shutdown, smelling bad, a homeless person going to prison, a flight attendant dying, and I think that's it.

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 <<< Topical jokes about the State of the Union, being jailed for helping immigrants, having sex with vegetables, anti-vaxxers, the transgender soldier ban, and of course -- the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about Brett Kavanaugh, United Airlines, cats who have an apartment, conversion therapy, billionaires, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and other news stories.

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about eating roadkill, running over a nail salon employee, Elizabeth Warren, a thwarted mass shooting, and Trump's New Years Resolutions.

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about a nude selfie, a very heavy newborn, wrestling with dreadlocks, and getting married to a hologram.

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about news stories like General Mattis, Donald Trump, an unwanted rectal exam, Bigfoot, and a little more.

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Jokes about waterboarding, Merriam Webster's word of the year, Youtube, and calendars.

This is a preview of my book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." Buy it today for only $3.95 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for November 9th. In Michigan, a dead woman was found inside the donation dumpster at Goodwill. Goodwill employees discovered the dead woman, when a customer tried to buy her. Speaking of death-- In Alaska, a man was who faked his own death has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. When the judge read the sentence, the man could be heard crying from inside his coffin. The morning after the midterm election, Attorney General Jeff Sessions resigned. To insure that there is no interruption in his duties, Sessions will be replaced by a child-sized scarecrow, wearing a klan outfit. Florida plans to phase out greyhound racing by 2020, meaning thousands of greyhounds will need to be adopted. Because there are more dogs than available homes, the greyhounds will have to compete for adoption via some sort of speed competition. These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for February 12th. The presidential portrait of Barack Obama was unveiled today. Everyone agreed that even a painting of Barack Obama is a better president than Donald Trump. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that the sheriff's department is a critical part of "The anglo-american heritage of law enforcement." Republicans insist that his statement wasn't MEANT to be racist, it just SOUNDS racist, because HE IS racist. Remington, the gun manufacturer has filed for bankruptcy. The CEO of Remington explained that, there simply aren't enough mass shootings for them to stay profitable. In Arizona, a woman went to sleep with a severe headache, and woke up speaking with a British accent. "Oh! I wish that would happen to me!", said most women. In Ohio, a manager of Dollar Tree was assaulted by shoplifters after the video of them stealing was posted to Facebook. Investigators are still trying to figure out how people who shoplift at Dollar Tree, have access to the internet. Robot-maker Boston Dynamics shared a video of a robot opening a door. They didn't teach the robot how to knock on the door, because they want it to be a surprise when it kills you. Thank you for listening. I wrote a comedy book called "Riddles for the Easily Confused" which is now available on Amazon.com amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.

Topical jokes about: Confederate statues, Donald Trump ecstasy, and the Secret Service. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 22nd. In Texas, a man was arrested after he was caught trying to blow up a Confederate statue. If convicted, the man will be enslaved. In Germany, police have seized 5,000 orange...

Topical jokes about: Steve Bannon, stolen zoo animals, and white supremacy. Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 19th. A priest chanting Latin in reverse successfully cast a magic spell to banish evil spirits -- and Steven Bannon has been removed from the White House. Donald Trump reportedly asked for Bannon's resignation. According to Trump, during his meeting with Bannon, people were fired on many sides -- many...

Topical jokes about Neo-Nazis, the KKK, and a woman who found her wedding ring on a carrot. Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 16th. In Canada, a gardener who lost her wedding ring 14 years ago, found it wrapped around a carrot. According to Canadian law, that carrot can now sue the woman for alimony. The KKK has been denied a permit to burn a giant cross on top of a mountain. No reason was provided. A...

After an extremely long hiatus, the Jokes for Today are BACK! Topical jokes about: an island of garbage, the owner of Costco dying, stoners, and OJ Simpson getting out of prison. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for August 3rd. In extremely recent news: OJ Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from prison....