A Codependent Mind

Relationship tools are neither good nor bad on their own. In this episode we talk about three tools that are pervasive in relationships marked by codependency - lying, resentment and defensiveness. These were Brian's go-to tools in Brian's relationship toolbox. He learned how to use them very early in childhood in order to neutralize relationship threats. As an adult, however, they have not served him well and using them in our relationship caused a lot of damage. Mentioned in this episode: Season 4, episode 4: Trust (https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6db6d080/s4-4-codependency-and-relationships-trust) Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.

Curiosity is an important tool for doing the relationship work of fostering understanding and deepening connection. In this episode we discuss the transformative power of curiosity, drawing on philosophical insights and evolutionary psychology. We explore how Brian's curiosity was stifled—both by external influences, like critical relationships, and internal struggles, such as fear and disassociation. By recognizing these patterns, he has learned to shift from a defensive posture to an active pursuit of knowledge and emotional exploration which has been critical for our relationship.

Have you've been told or have you told yourself that 'relationships take work' as a reason to accept behaviours or a relationship that is not serving your needs? This season is about relationship tools, but we shouldn't use these tools to make a relationship work that isn't serving us. So what does 'work' mean in the to the context of a loving, healthy relationship? Brian and Stephanie discuss in the to the context of their relationship.

Experiencing relational trauma and subsequent relationship disorders, whether codependency, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, BPD can make empathy challenging. Not that the feelings aren't there, but often the empathetic system is so wounded that it is difficult to stay in a place of empathetic responsiveness. But empathy is a critical tool in forming and maintaining intimate relationships. In this episode we discuss the role of empathy in our relationship, Brian's experience with empathetic woundedness and how he overcame them. 00:00:37 What are we calling 'empathy' 00:01:46 The empathetic system 00:05:12 Empathy and interpersonal disorders 00:09:33 Empathetic system malfunctions 00:17:43 Empathy as a relationship tool 00:21:50 Empathetic responsiveness Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.

In Season 7, we return to the theme of Season 4 with episodes that focus on relationships. What are some of the tools, concepts and practices that we feel keep our connection strong and loving? In this episode, we discuss a tool that is not generally applied to relationships - the Lean Startup Methodology (https://theleanstartup.com/principles). People with codependent habits often get in to relationships very quickly and then spend an enormous amount of time and energy 'making the relationship work.' Applying Lean Startup encourages us to redirect that energy into answering the question - 'should this relationship exist?' We discuss how to start your relationships in a Lean way and how we use the methodology in our lives. Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 00:04:03 The Lean Startup Methodology 00:08:41 Minimum Viable Products 00:11:49 Starting a relationship Lean 00:15:44 Dating Lean 00:19:55 Using Lean Startup to make life decisions Thank you for listening!

Brian and Stephanie discuss what they learned in writing the book including the role of Brian's mother, the similarities between narcissism and codependency, the power of re-writing stories and the intrangency of the codependent habits. The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 Thank you for listening, reading and reviewing!

This episode, Brian reads Chapter One from the book, The Making and the Re-Making of a Codependent Mind. The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Buy now in paperback or eBook form: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1/ Chapter One frames codependency as learned, strategic, adaptive response to feelings of powerlessness, to emotional pain. It also covers the dynamics within Brian's family that gave rise to the codependent behaviors that would eventually cripple him emotionally and relationally for most of his life. Based on the acclaimed podcast of the same name, follow Brian's transformative journey from codependency and despair to joyful, fulfilling and sustaining relationships. Gain guidance into examining your own life and crafting a personalized pathway to heal from codependency and trauma. In Part 1 of his journey, Brian explores: In Part 2, the re-making of a codependent mind, Brian describes:

Money talks, as they say, and in this episode we hear about the financial dimensions of Brian's codependency. For most of his life, money was not a tool for Brian to express his values and achieve his life goals; instead, it was fuel for his codependent habits - people pleasing, caretaking, lack of boundaries. His financial codependency, not surprisingly, did not lead to financial health; it lead to debt, stress and shame. Recovering from codependency also involved a recovery from financial codependency and we explore what it took for Brian to form a new relationship to money, one that has taken him to solvency and beyond. 00:01:18 Codependency and Money 00:03:36 Financial Caretaking 00:05:38 Self-Centeredness in Financial Codependency 00:06:09 Throwing Money at Problems 00:10:09 Unveiling Financial Shame 00:10:37 Narcissistic Entitlement and Money 00:11:06 Facing Financial Resentment 00:12:48 Post-Divorce Financial Codependency 00:15:43 Using Money to Avoid Abuse 00:16:24 Financial Caretaking as a Coping Mechanism 00:17:12 Rationalizing Financial Decisions 00:18:52 Fear and Shame in Financial Choices 00:21:54 Overcoming Financial Codependency 00:25:17 Processing Financial Shame 00:30:22 Aligning Money with Life Goals 00:32:43 Conclusion and Book Announcement The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Thank you for liking, reviewing and following our podcast. It helps other people find us.

We have described codependency as an interpersonal relationship dynamic, but in doing so, we may have inadvertently left out a whole category of relationships in which codependency can manifest - relationships with our pets. In this episode, we discuss the pets that Brian has had (dogs and cats) and the ways in which his codependent behavior habits showed up in those relationships. We also reflect on possible connections between narcissism and pet ownership. 00:00:45 Dogs and Cats 00:03:53 Codependent Behaviors with Pets 00:14:02 Boundary setting 00:16:18 Narcissists and Pets 00:22:52 Genuine caretaking vs codependent caretaking The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Do you have a pet story to tell? Let us know on instagram or Facebook. @codpendendentmind Thank you for liking, reviewing and following our podcast. It helps other people find us.

Learn more about Nicole's coaching practice, Meaning in Medicine, here: https://www.meaninginmed.com/about The Enneagram Test - free test. Be sure to select the "Classical Test." Read about your results through the Enneagram Institute here. In this episode we explore the phenomenon of codependency within professional environments, particularly the healthcare field, with our special guest, Dr. Nicole Piemonte. A PhD holder in Medical Humanities, Dr. Piemonte has dedicated her career to the human facets of medical practice. In this discussion, we delve into Dr. Piemonte's career origins and personal journey with codependency. She describes a prevalent pattern of trauma-induced codependency within the health sector, typically characterized by 'rescuing' and 'fixing' patients—a behavior that draws parallels with institutional people-pleasing and poses significant hindrance to effective care. Further in the conversation, we examine how codependency—stemming from a deep-rooted need to be needed—leads caregivers to self-neglect due to their inherent desire to help others. Surprisingly, narcissism and codependency share this common root of trauma, offering a new perspective on the familiar trope of the narcissist physician. Nicole sheds light on the falseness of the emotion-free detachment often seen in medicine. Arguing that compassion fatigue emerges from not feeling anything, rather than ‘feeling too much’, she emphasizes the role of emotional reconnection in aiding clinicians to regain self-contentment and fulfillment. Nicole discusses how through supportive coaching and introspection, it's possible to replace these maladaptive coping mechanisms with healthier ones. 00:00:07 Exploring Codependency in Professional Spaces 00:10:26 The tendency to fix and rescue in medicine 00:14:03 Recognizing codependency in personal and work relationships 00:20:51 Caretaking and Codependency 00:23:11 Coaching and Reconnecting to Meaning and Purpose in Medicine 00:31:12 Reconnecting with Emotions and the Healing Path 00:33:11 Compartmentalization as a Life Strategy and its Consequences The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Thank you for liking, following and reviewing this podcast. It helps others find it. website: https://www.codependentmind.com/

The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V In this episode, Brian and Stephanie talk with Rebecca about the emotional complexities of self-discovery and growth within the context of codependency. We discuss Rebecca's relationships, her struggle with being vulnerability, and the challenge of being authentic with others. 00:01:24 Little 't' and capital 'T' trauma 00:08:58 Lack of safety 00:11:10 Choosing between relationships 00:18:03 Setting boundaries 00:25:00 Asserting the self in a relationship 00:35:45 Parental models Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it. Find us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/

Chris shares with us his story of codependency recovery. From a lonely, difficult childhood, through two marriages to disordered partners, through isolation, depression and despair, Chris found his way out of codependency and in to a loving, transformational relationship. His story, like as our other guests, offers both inspiration and hope. Mentioned in this episode: Podcast: Not I - Not Isolated Anymore: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/not-i Book: The Body Keeps the Score: Brian, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Truma Podcast: Esther Perel's Where Should We Begin? 00:03:03 Childhood 00:09:14 Romantic relationships 00:13:50 Isolation and depression 00:19:30 Second marriage - addiction and codependency 00:27:29 The love story 00:30:24 Codependent habits 00:36:23 Coming out of the codependency closet 00:42:19 CODA 00:49:00 Family relationships The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it. Contact us at codependentmind@gmail.com

In this episode, we talk with Stephanie's friend Bea, who has struggled with codependent behaviors her whole life. Her last relationship ended when she realized that it was not a relationship in which she felt seen or safe - her role in the relationship was to be the person her partner needed and wanted her to be and left no room for her authentic self. Since leaving that relationship, she has been in place of isolation. She very much wants to leave that state but is concerned about getting in to a relationship, whether a friendship or romance, where she is simply re-enacting the codependent dynamics that have governed her past relationship. Stephanie and Bea have started a podcast to further explore Bea's journey in to and out of isolation. Search for "Not I - Not Isolated Anymore". Spotify: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/not-i Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/not-i-not-isolated-anymore/id1723114201 00:00:55 Isolation 00:03:19 Fear of new relationships 00:08:52 Lived experience of codependency 00:11:57 Self-knowledge, seeing yourself 00:13:27 Relationship needs 00:19:13 Brian's attempt to retreat into isolation 00:24:28 Shame 00:27:16 Are relationships even worth it? The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it.

In this episode we ‘hear’ from narcissists as Brian shares his hardwon insight into narcissistic behaviors coming from decades of friendships and relationships with narcissistic people. Building on conversations from previous episodes, we discuss the ways in which codependent behaviors and narcissistic behaviors overlap before reviewing the ways in which they form a toxic complementarity. And if you are still having difficulty spotting a narcissist, Brian offers examples from his past that illustrate the grandiosity, lack of accountability and entitlement that forms the backbone of narcissism. Mentioned in this episode: Codependency and Relationships: Dependency, Codependency and Interdependence 00:02:27 Narcissism vs narcissistic behaviors 00:05:49 Commonalities between narcissism and codependency 00:10:13 Differences between narcissism and codependency 00:13:48 Lovebombing 00:17:46 Spotting narcissistic behavior in relationships The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it.

In this episode, we talk with Taylor about the roots of the codependent behaviors, their challenges in breaking free from those behaviors and finding a sense of identity, the lessons they have garnered and the insight they have achieved. Taylor shares their experiences with a chaotic upbringing, influenced by their mother's alcoholism, and discusses the challenges faced during childhood, such as dissociation and compartmentalization. The wide-ranging conversation touches on a number of subjects critical to understanding and coping with codependency including: Mentioned in this episode: The Body Keeps the Score The Crappy Childhood Fairy Codependency Voices: Carly 00:01:10 Mother's alcoholism 00:03:08 Emotional dissociation 00:06:34 Fawn response and codependency 00:12:55 Dismissiveness 00:20:01 Attachment 00:24:05 People pleasing 00:26:45 Boundaries 00:30:02 Re-connecting with your emotions 00:37:25 Al-Anon 00:41:02 Identity work The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it.

In this episode, we hear from Brinn about her journey of self-discovery, including her exploration of codependency patterns, her family's dynamics, and her own relationships Brinn talks about her family roles, her father's history as an adult child of an alcoholic, her sister's addiction struggles, and the impact these had on her. She shares her experience of repeatedly falling into similar relationship patterns and seeking understanding through learning about addiction, recovery, and attachment styles. Brinn also discusses her work with affected family members, mainly parents and partners dealing with addiction, and emphasizes the significance of community in the healing process. Brinn is now a Family Recovery & Relationship Coach. You can read more about her work here: https://www.brinnflagg.com/ 00:01:55 Origins 00:06:28 Role in the family system 00:11:40 Public image 00:16:22 Relationship patterns 00:19:50 Codependents Anonymous 00:26:15 Role of community in healing 00:39:00 Healthy relationships The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V If you are interested in sharing your story with us, let us know at codependentmind@gmail.com Thank you for liking/reviewing/following our podcast. It helps other people find it.

In this episode, we have a candid and open conversation Carly about her personal journey of overcoming codependency, people-pleasing, and addiction. She shares with us her childhood experiences growing up in a chaotic household with drug addiction and mental illness including turning to drugs and sex at a young age as a way to find acceptance, love and escape from emotional turmoil. We also touch on her behavior in romantic relationships, including her tendency to leave partners after achieving their love and how she alternated between codependent and narcissistic behaviors. She describes the emotional exhaustion that came with trying to please others and the challenging process of breaking free from these patterns. The conversation then turns to the toward's Carly recovery journey which included overcoming addiction and learning to love herself. She discusses how joining a church and a supportive community played a significant role in her healing process. In terms of forming healthy relationships, Carly emphasizes the significance of her sobriety, authenticity, and self-love in building a strong and healthy relationship with her wife. Her partner encouraged her to be her true self, which was a pivotal moment in her journey towards self-acceptance. Additionally, Carly reflects on her experience with 12-step programs like Narcotics Anonymous, which provided structure and support when she needed it most. However, she eventually outgrew these programs, realizing that they didn't have to define her identity forever, much like recovering from an injury doesn't require a crutch once healing is achieved. 00:02:08 Childhood trauma 00:07:00 Addictive behavior 00:12:40 Romantic relationships 00:20:00 Masking 00:24:02 Healing journey 00:41:13 12 step programs 00:48:00 Forgiveness The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. Instagram: @codependentmind

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V In this episode, we expand on the discussion of interdependence, that we started in episode 2 or Season 4 ”Dependency, Codependency and Interdependence”. We use the lens of ”You, Me, Us” to explore what we owe ourselves in relationships, what we owe the other person and what we owe the relationship itself. In contrast to relationships characterized by enmeshment, those governed by a healthy interdependence or mutual dependence can provide a sense of security, connectedness and care to both parties. Article mentioned: Understanding cooperation through fitness interdependence. (9.7.2018)- Aktipis et. al. 00:01:24 Interdependence vs enmeshment 00:06:14 Healthy relationships 00:09:38 Self-knowledge 00:13:19 Knowing you 00:14:24 Us 00:19:02 3-legged stool 00:22:26 Boundaries 00:24:44 Relationship work Thank you for following, liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find it.

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V In this episode we discuss the intersection of gender with codependency. We explore how gender roles and expectations can be sources of trauma, leading individuals to internalize shame and feel pressure to conform. Gendered expectations can also reinforce codependent behaviors, as certain traits align with cultural norms associated with femininity, such as kindness and caretaking. Additionally, we discuss on how gender can mask abusive dynamics, as it did in Brian's relationships, making it difficult for to recognize the abuse. Gender stereotypes can create a facade that conceals unhealthy relationships. Ultimately, healing from codependency may involve moving beyond societal gender expectations to discover one's true self. 00:00:41 Definition 00:04:48 Gender is a source of trauma 00:09:51 Stephanie's experience 00:10:15 Brian’s experience 00:17:26 Gender as a weapon 00:20:11 Codependent behaviors and gender expectations

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V As a preview of Season 5, when we will be introducing more voices into the conversation, we have a guest on this episode. Jason reflects on his struggles with codependent behaviors and the origins of these behaviors in their family of origin. He discusses experiencing physical and emotional abuse from their father at a young age and feeling needy and demanding as a child. His mother's actions and comments also contributed to his negative self-talk and body image issues. He goes on to share how he turned to overeating as a form of self-medication and how his mother's reactions to his weight gain exacerbated his feelings of inadequacy. He describes a pattern of settling in romantic relationships and feeling a need to please others. He also discusses how he is working on setting boundaries and overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. He is working on resolving the shame and fear that has always been present in his romantic relationships and expresses hope for the future. 00:02:00 Jason's understanding of codependency 00:02:57 Origins of his codependent behaviors 00:06:36 Body shame 00:15:11 Early romantic relationships 00:22:50 Current relationship status 00:25:26 Struggle with people-pleasing 00:30:50 Healing Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind Email: codependentmind@gmail.com