A Codependent Mind

In this episode, we explore curiosity as both a universal instinct and a vital relationship tool. Brian reflects on how childhood fear and threat-responses suppressed his natural curiosity, leaving him passive and disengaged in past relationships. Instead of genuine inquiry, his “curiosity-like” behaviors were rooted in anxiety, compliance, and performance. In contrast, healthy curiosity—as modelled by Stephanie early in their relationship—has proven transformative, deepening connection, sparking self-discovery, and reinforcing intimacy. By learning and relearning to ask questions and explore emotions, Brian has found that curiosity not only nurtures passion and understanding but also strengthens the shared “Us,” creating a feedback loop of connection, adaptability, and joy. The paperback, e-book and audiobook are all now available - https://www.codependentmind.com/ Thank you for rating and reviewing the podcast and the book. It helps others find us.

In this chapter, we explore honesty as a powerful relationship tool—one that builds connection, trust, and intimacy when used well, but creates distance and damage when misused or withheld. Honesty provides accurate information about ourselves, others, and the world, enabling stronger partnerships, while dishonesty erodes trust, fosters disconnection, and betrays the relationship. Brian's childhood survival strategies turned dishonesty into a habit, often expressed through pretense, omission, or appeasement rather than blatant lies. These behaviors once kept the him safe but later undermined intimacy and threatened his relationship with Stephanie. Relearning honesty meant confronting fear, shame, and self-deception, distinguishing between privacy and withholding, and understanding that feelings represent personal truths but not universal ones. The paperback, e-book and audiobook are all now available - https://www.codependentmind.com/ Thank you for rating and reviewing the podcast and the book. It helps others find us.

The audiobook is now available on most platforms, including on our website - https://www.codependentmind.com/ In this chapter, we explore relationship boundaries - just as individuals need personal boundaries to maintain autonomy, relationships need boundaries to protect the shared entity of Us. These boundaries define what the partnership is, what each person can expect, and how to balance safety with openness. Without intentional definition, couples often inherit unexamined expectations from family, culture, or religion, which may not fit their needs. Boundaries are not rules to control a partner but agreements that protect and strengthen the relationship itself, ensuring it remains stable, nourishing, and respectful of all three entities—Me, You, and Us. Thank you for rating and reviewing the podcast and the book. It helps others find us.

The FULL AUDIOBOOK is now available through Amazon and other retailers and also from our website: https://www.codependentmind.com This chapter/episode explores empathy as a core human capacity that evolved to support connection, community, and relationship. True empathy involves a dynamic system of cognition (understanding), emotion (sharing in the feeling), and behavior (responding in a way that reflects care and connection). It is foundational to all relational work—knowing, connecting, and strengthening the partnership. Brian reflects on his early misuse of empathy, where hyper-attunement to others' emotions was driven by fear, shame, and a desire to manage emotional threat. This self-protective "empathy-like" behavior was rooted in emotional management and codependent survival strategies. The turning point came in his relationship with Stephanie. By choosing to stay present in moments of shame and discomfort, he began to use empathy functionally rather than performatively. This shift allowed for deeper connection and trust. Now, empathy is a too, used not to manage others' feelings, but to understand and respond authentically within an interdependent relationship. Thank you for rating/reviewing the podcast and the book! It makes a difference

In this episode, Brian reads Chapter 4, which explores what it means to "do the work" in relationships, distinguishing between compulsive, performative labor rooted in childhood survival strategies and the intentional, collaborative work required for emotionally healthy partnerships. The chapter also sets the stage for the rest of the book by introducing the concept of relationship tools: emotions, behaviors and resources that can either build or erode connection depending on how they are used. Each tool will be examined for its purpose, misuse, and proper function, with a focus on outcomes rather than moral judgments. Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FC6M5X5M/ Contact us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/me-you-and-us Thank you for rating and reviewing the book and the podcast! We appreciate your support.

Chapter 3 explores the transformation from individual autonomy to a shared, interdependent relationship—the “Us.” This chapter emphasizes that a healthy “Us” is not about merging or losing oneself but about forming a bond that honors both partners’ individuality while fostering deep connection and mutual care. Interdependence, defined by shared responsibility, emotional support, and mutual reliance, is contrasted with both enmeshment and total independence. Emotional intimacy and interdependence create a foundation for growth, trust, and resilience, showing that truly knowing and caring for each other leads not just to survival but to thriving. Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FC6M5X5M/ Contact us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/me-you-and-us

In Chapter Two, Me & You, Brian explores the foundational role of autonomy in building emotionally healthy relationships. Using the metaphor of a three-legged stool—Me, You, and Us—he argues that a strong relationship requires each partner to be a clearly defined individual. Drawing from his own experience, Brian reflects on how childhood trauma and emotionally volatile caregivers taught him to mute his needs and perform for safety, leading to enmeshment in relationships. As Brian begins to heal, he learns that autonomy is not just a right but a responsibility. The chapter highlights his journey toward emotional self-regulation, self-respect, and intentionality in love. By learning to recognize his needs and express them honestly, Brian discovers that true connection is only possible when both partners show up as whole, sovereign individuals—each choosing to create an Us that’s rooted in mutual care and respect. Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FC6M5X5M/ Contact us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/me-you-and-us

* In honor of the new book release, get the first book (in eBook format) for FREE until June 15th. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V/ Available now on Amazon Me, You & Us Moving Beyond Relational Trauma and Disorder (Anxious/Avoidant Attachment, Codependency, BPD) to Build a Stable, Lasting Relationship As described in this podcast, for years, I struggled in romantic relationships—trapped in people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and emotional disconnection. I didn’t know how to set boundaries, communicate honestly, or feel safe being myself. Like many people with a history of codependency or relational trauma, I was stuck in survival mode—longing for intimacy but afraid to be truly seen. This book is both a relationship memoir and a healing guide—an honest, compassionate look at how I learned to show up differently in love. Through personal storytelling and psychological insight, I explore the relationship tools that transformed my life: empathy, vulnerability, boundaries, communication, emotional co-regulation, and more. These are the tools that helped me move from dysfunction to connection—from trauma bonds to the emotionally safe, interdependent marriage I now share with Stephanie. Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FC6M5X5M/ Contact us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/me-you-and-us

Our new book is coming out! You, Me & Us: Moving Beyond Relational Trauma and Disorder (Anxious/Avoidant Attachment, Codependency, BPD) to Build a Stable, Lasting Relationship. Learn more: https://www.codependentmind.com/me-you-and-us In this episode, we revisit the topic of caretaking and how it can be a tool for strengthening the sense of partnership within a relationship. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. And thank you for reading these notes! Very few people do.

The 5 Love Languages claims to be a "simple and effective" tool for strengthening your connections. We explore that claim. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com The audiobook can be purchased from PayHip. Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

For most of his life, Brian believed that his primary challenge in relationships was mastering the tool of "being present." He thought that if he could just fully grasp this skill, everything in his life and relationships would significantly improve. However, regular listeners to this podcast will recognize that this belief was far from accurate. We discuss how he understood the tool of being present in his past relationships and how he uses it now, in the present. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased from our website for only $2.99. http://codependentmind.com Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

In this episode, we building on the Boundaries episode and talk more about Relationship Boundaries in particular. How can you use relationship boundaries do develop a greater sense of partnership? How do we find a balance between protecting the relationship from outside threats and having expansive enough boundaries that the relationship can continue to grow and thrive? Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.

In this episode, we take on the complex emotion of jealousy, exploring its potential as a constructive tool within relationships. As we have discussed in previous episodes that emotions, including jealousy, are neither good nor bad but rather signals offering valuable insight. Learning how to use jealousy as a tool involves being able to interpret and apply the information that jealousy offers. 00:00:11 Jealousy 00:01:46 Not Feeling Jealousy 00:03:04 Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships 00:06:38 Compersion 00:09:16 Jealousy-Like Behaviors 00:06:38 Compersion 00:11:34 Distinguishing Jealousy from Control 00:13:14 Jealousy as a Measurement Tool 00:19:38 Working Together Through Jealousy Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.

We have talked about entitlement quite a bit. Mostly about how Brian's narcissistic partners have used their feelings of entitlement as fuel to abuse and mistreat him and other people. In this episode we explore how the feelings of entitlement can be used productively to strengthen a relationship rather than degrade it. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

In Season 4, we had a four part series on codependency, trauma and sex. In this episode we focus on the role sex can play in a relationship For Brian, shifting from a performance mindset to a connection mindset made all the difference. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

Communication is vital to any relationship, but for those of us with relational trauma, it can be difficult to figure out what that means. If we aren't getting yelled at or insulted, it feels like good communication. Bad communication is when someone is disappointed or upset with us. Join us as we talk through Brian's new understanding of the role communication has played and can play in his relationships. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

In this episode we discuss the relationship tool of attention. Paying attention can be difficult for people with relationship trauma and codependent habits. It was certainly challenging for Brian. Healing codependency has involved re-learning how to use the tool of attention, directing its use to building strong connections with people we care about who care about us. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

Brian spent most of his life being 'conflict avoidant' at least that is how he understood it. Really the powerlessness and shame that underlied his codependency meant that any interpersonal conflict felt existentially threatening. In this episode we discuss how to approach conflict differently such that it functions as a tool for learning and connection rather than destruction. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

Can you tell the difference between a genuine apology and apology theater? In this episode, we discuss to tool of apology - how narcissists use it, how Brian used it codependently and how to use it authentically to make long lasting repairs to relationships. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast.

Be grateful! We are told that at various points on our lives as was to cure numerous ails in our lives and in the world. In this episode, we talk about what gratitude can and cannot to for your relationships. Thank you for following, liking, reviewing - it helps other people find the podcast. You can reach us at: http://codependentmind.com Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1 The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.