A Thousand Tiny Steps

This episode caused me to look at my moral inventory, what I carry with me, and what I’m learning to let go. It’s made me question my childhood and how that impacts my life today as well as using failure in my life as an excuse not to move forward with things. Key Takeaways: [4:02] Nothing annoys me more than people believing lies about me [6:54] Step four of AA [12:14] Life begins with transgression [17:20] Acknowledging that you’ve made mistakes in life [22:51] Shadow boxing: fighting an invisible opponent and living in denial [32:15] This is what step four is all about [33:30] Praying for patience again and again [36:49] My fear of being honest with myself [38:36] Using weakness and failure in my life as an excuse not to move forward [40:36] Focusing less on sin and more on wisdom of the struggle [42:32] I get defensive when I feel I’ve been wronged [44:17] Not being able to admit my inner failure at first [46:27] Always looking for an escape in my life [49:14] I blame my lack of success on Kenny [50:12] How my childhood impacts how I treat people [53:54] Making myself less afraid of admitting weakness Resources: Breathing Underwater Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Step three of AA had me delving into my need for control, resisting change, codependency, and trying to find gratitude when I find that difficult. In this episode, I dive into the third step and what renouncing yourself, giving yourself over to god, and love can do in your life. Key Takeaways: [5:06] Step three of AA [10:21] Accepting all your losses, resisting change, and trying to stay in control [18:35] Renouncing myself for attention and validation [22:10] The things people seek love for [24:32] Being codependent [27:49] Doing good deeds because you want to [30:04] False sacrifice and holding onto control [35:04] Trying to find gratitude and religion being based on following rules [38:48] Being radically accepted for nothing [41:10] Surrendering is a negative concept to me [42:32] Accepting our past and our mistakes [46:59] Renouncing yourself and giving yourself to god [50:47] Working on self forgiveness [51:33] True and unconditional love Resources: Breathing Underwater Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

In step two of AA it’s all about opening my heart, mind, and body. It’s a tough journey to accomplish though and it makes me look at points in my life where I made choices I didn’t feel great about, but also choices to forgive others. In this episode, I look how the mind, body, and heart are connected. Key Takeaways: [2:07] Step two of AA [5:00] Opening our hearts, minds, and bodies [8:47] Opening of the mind [12:56] Opening of the heart [21:47] Opening of the body [32:19] Spirituality and connecting with a higher power [34:03] Points in my life where I asked for help [35:47] I feel like my decisions are wrong [36:51] Keeping space in my heart open, forgiving my father [38:23] The people that helped me in tough times Resources: Breathing Underwater Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

To kick off the theme of season 9, I’m talking about Alcoholics Anonymous and my struggle with addiction. I discuss what AA is like, what I learned, how I feel powerless, and how I’m trying to improve my life. Key Takeaways: [4:56] Still struggling to get where I want to go [7:52] My time in AA and the most significant thing I learned [11:36] My moment of feeling powerless [12:23] Step one of AA [13:52] The poem that spoke to me about powerlessness [17:35] Having to be honest in AA [20:26] The ego is selfish, but is it sin? [29:41] I’ve felt powerless through my abuse and being a woman [38:00] I’ve never felt like God was absent in my life [44:07] I’m doing things, but I need to get more comfortable asking for help [47:04] I try to control things in my life which can cause trouble [51:55] I don’t like change, trying to change my life and struggling [55:34] If people have community around them, they’re less likely to be addicted [59:01] What I’m doing to improve my life Resources: Breathing Underwater Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Rewatching The Notebook brought back so many connections to my own life. It made me think about losing Molly, the mistakes I’ve made, how it’s different raising Jack, the choices I’m making for him, and really just being at a turning point in my life deciding what to do next. Key Takeaways: [6:39] What the movie The Notebook is about [11:20] The end of a friendship and connections to Molly [14:38] More of the plot [16:48] Being reminded of all my mistakes and second guessing myself [20:08] The end of the movie, losing a child, and letting go [23:29] Being at a turning point in my life Resources: The Notebook The Teenage Liberation Handbook Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Menopause is seen differently in America versus other cultures. Society here sees it in a negative light, but there is so much more to the story. My own experience with taking estrogen has made my life better and I’ve noticed a huge difference. Key Takeaways: [1:02] Menopause is seen as a negative medicalized reality [1:56] What menopause is and how society sees it [8:12] In other cultures menopause is not seen as a negative [15:11] Hormone imbalances and being premenopausal [17:59] Intergenerational relationships are not as valued anymore [20:46] I basically lost my period after Molly died [23:16] Taking estrogen helped me feel better [28:27] What estrogen decline does [32:51] How estrogen helped me [37:59] How estrogen affects the body physically [39:55] The changes I’ve noticed from estrogen [42:54] I would love to hear from other menopausal women Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

After a post was made for pride month, I had a reaction - and I ended up deleting my comments. It was a learning experience that taught me patience and where to best put my words. In this episode, I dive into the meaning words have especially in the age of social media. Key Takeaways: [3:00] The post surrounding pride month that bothered me [9:14] Commenting on the posts and then deleting them [13:36] Changing the words in a spiritual song and people getting angry [15:58] I have the right to be affected, but not post about it [21:38] The time period I refrained from gossiping [25:33] My communication style and not being able to take words back [30:07] May was a hard month for me and I’ve struggled with anger Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I had the most frustrating weeks I’ve had in a while, it made me think about my anger. My coping mechanisms, good and bad, as well as the repressed anger and how I’m learning to do better. For both myself and to teach Jack better coping skills. Key Takeaways: [1:23] I pray a lot about my anger [2:27] My life is in upheaval and feeling like everything is a mess [4:39] I was taught to be quiet as a child especially during my abuse [14:40] Self anger in my adult life, feeling judged, and how I coped [15:54] Jack asks me if I’m angry, I’m trying to teach him better coping skills [21:56] What I’m learning about anger and not repressing it [23:51] My self harming behaviors and unresolved anger [25:59] The differences in men and women when it comes to anger [30:30] How I deal with my anger positively and negatively [32:52] CrossFit honoring the military [37:39] Me being angry doesn’t do anyone good [40:48] If you need to be angry, be angry Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I’ve had a frustrating day, this reel on six techniques to combat the freeze response were just what I needed. It has motivated me and made me think about what my ikigai is most of all. In this episode, I explore the different times of my life and my ikigai then. Key Takeaways: [2:34] Six Japanese techniques to combat laziness or freeze response [4:23] Ikigai or your reason for living is the first technique [22:28] Kaizen or the theory that you can change for the better [24:52] The pomodoro technique for time management [28:15] Hara Hachi Bu, eating until your 80% full [31:32] Shoshin is being curious about mundane tasks [35:42] Wabi Sabi is the philosophy that the most beautiful art has flaws [39:38] This is what I needed today, finding my ikigai Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

There is a lack of third spaces or places to spend time with one another that don’t cost money and cultivate social connection these days. It’s changed so much from when I was young and has impacted my social relationships. In this episode, I explore how I don’t spend enough time cultivating third space activities for myself. Key Takeaways: [2:58] Third spaces are diminishing for Americans [4:28] Times have changed since when I was younger [6:48] Third spaces helped me through my abuse [9:53] People are much more focused on their career these days [12:26] Gen Z cares more about what people think [13:15] I struggled to find my third space after college [18:53] Being unhealthy by diving head first into relationships [20:49] My free time has been spent coaching or helping others [22:52] Working remotely took away my friends social interaction [25:48] How my families third space activities have changed [27:43] I don’t spend enough time cultivating third space activities Resources: Article on third spaces Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Today, I’m taken back to a memory of my childhood and how I can’t undo the terrible things that have happened in my life. Accepting my brokenness as a part of my reality is what's needed to find the wholeness from me. In this episode, I contemplate what I first needed to break like my kitchen and my yard in order to fix them. Key Takeaways: [0:48] I raised my siblings and it was a chaotic time [5:14] I felt like everything was out of control and the self blame [6:33] Fighting with Gracie and Kenny [9:42] Dealing with death week, Mothers Day, and the gala [11:49] Kintsugi theory, ripping up the old to see the new with my kitchen and yard [14:33] I can’t undo the bad things that have happened to me [16:37] Digging up shit, invisible scars, and what it says about our society [20:36] Why does my life never change? [23:36] I wasn’t chosen to have these terrible things happen to me [25:44] Accepting my brokenness and the wholeness that can come from it [28:21] We’re all doing the best we can [30:09] What do you need to break in order to fix? Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Austin sold her home and decided to travel the world with her husband and young kids. It has been a journey full of judgment, but also many life changing moments. In this episode, she describes her life on the road, how she keeps sane, and what her kids think of it. Key Takeaways: [1:48] How Austin became an au pair, sold her house and traveled the world [7:19] What Boundless Life is all about [9:48] Having time with kids and minimalism [12:51] Not really knowing where we’re going next on the road [14:31] Getting judgment from back home and kids development [19:42] How Austin’s life compares to the one she had in America [21:21] Schooling in other countries [26:11] Getting judged from family and friends who don’t understand [33:51] Creating community while living abroad [37:28] Traveling with kids so young and if they enjoy it [40:43] Explaining the differences in cultures to children [45:02] How Austin keeps her marriage solid while traveling [51:05] Advice Austin has for people wanting to get into this Resources: Aupair website Boundless Life Austin’s Instagram Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I look back on my childhood, I’m reminded of how my neighborhood has changed and the people around me are dying. I also am deeply thinking about the season of Molly, the choices I’ve made, and how I can honor her. Key Takeaways: [0:58] April is a significant month to me [4:00] Missing the last week of Molly’s life [5:24] The good side of missing it [8:33] Dealing with narcissistic tendencies [13:13] My two childhood friends and the memories [18:08] My neighborhood has changed [18:48] The Bye Bye Birdie production [19:54] The season of Molly, death week, and events [24:25] Finishing the quarterfinals in CrossFit [24:49] Seeing my old BU teammates Resources: Last Day Power book Motherland book Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As Easter is passing it brings back all the memories of Molly. I sat down to watch some movies which just had me in tears and made me think back on all the choices I’ve made in my own life. I really recommend you watch them and see how you relate to them. Key Takeaways: [3:37] A movie about a boy with an abusive childhood and a dying dad [7:26] What inspires me about the movie and forgiving myself [9:32] My memories of Molly on Easter [11:30] A movie about a mother who died and cleaning out her home [15:24] I helped keep our family together after Molly died [16:04] I regret missing Gracie’s birthday and the impact [18:59] People don’t understand the memories are all we have [20:41] The book Ordinary People and the impact it had on me [22:02] The impact 700 Sunday’s had on me [23:04] What’s the next for the Molly B Foundation Resources: I Can Only Imagine Mercy Me The Noel Diary The Ordinary People 700 Sundays Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Jane and Skylar come on this week to talk about their journeys with epilepsy. From being discriminated at work to trying to find supportive relationships it’s been a rollercoaster for them both. In this episode, we go on their journeys of being diagnosed, how that impacts their lives, and what they want people to know. Key Takeaways: [1:38] How Jane found out she had epilepsy, getting diagnosed, and type of seizures [6:58] Skylar’s first seizure and her type of epilepsy [11:34] Skylar’s seizure the night of prom and before graduation [14:45] Being discriminated at work and not believed [17:00] Wanting to feel like a normal adult who can have fun [19:04] Trying medication that changed my mood drastically [21:34] Skylar’s experience trying multiple medication cocktails [27:30] Being bullied due to epilepsy [29:12] Not being able to drive [30:06] Having supportive families makes all the difference [31:09] Having non supportive partners [32:41] What we want people without epilepsy to know Resources: Skylar’s podcast Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I look back on women’s history month I research how ads on women’s health are often banned, women in history going on strike, and how I think feminism is used incorrectly. In this episode, I dive deep into the meaning of feminism and how I think we need to stop comparing men and women. Key Takeaways: [2:17] The biggest mistake feminism has made [5:42] Women in Iceland going on strike for 24 hours [8:30] Women in education take the brunt of unappreciated work [10:45] Meta bans ads for anything around women’s wellness [17:15] It’s still a struggle to get insurance to cover birth control [19:12] Getting a hysterectomy approved is an expensive nightmare [22:47] Should women’s basketball teams make more than the men’s? [26:34] Women in history that stand out to me [30:15] It’s time to stop comparing men and women Resources: Article on women in Iceland Article on banning ads Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I had a UTI and I had no idea. It presented none of the usual symptoms that happen to younger people so when I went into the ER and found out I had one I was dumbfounded. This was a learning experience for me and I hope more older women can hear this and get the help they need as well. Key Takeaways: [1:11] I didn’t know I had a UTI, I had atypical symptoms at least to me [7:21] Going to the hospital and finding out this is common in older women [10:09] Being stressed out about medication and breastfeeding [12:20] Research isn’t done enough for women in the medical field [14:49] Symptoms in older women for UTIs and why it happens [23:39] Incontinence is another big cause of UTIs [26:54] The problems that decreased estrogen cause [30:05] I’ve learned a lot from this experience [31:29] Ways you can support the MollyB Foundation Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I binged watched Six Feet Under, a show based on a real life family who owned a funeral home and how they went through grief. It was such a moving show that covered divorced, being gay, marriage, birth, and death that I felt a full spectrum of emotions. This comes at a time when I am creating some big events for the MollyB Foundation. Key Takeaways: [1:51] No one will ever miss Molly as much as I do [3:22] Celebrating Molly’s 21st as a fundraiser and all the other Molly events coming up [9:17] Six Feet Under is a show I avoided for a long time [12:04] My friends around me are dying [13:36] You really get to see the lives of all the children in the show [19:55] The final episode blew me away [23:18] All these people go through terrible life events and still move forward [24:37] I’m trying to protect Gracie from my true feelings [26:26] All the different ways that people deal with grief [27:59] We’ve kept the house, we just want to honor Molly Resources: Six Feet Under Mary Lou blog post Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

This episode is all about cherophobia and how whenever things start to feel good, I feel like I want to flee. It is about an aversion to joy often because of trauma and how when things start to go well, I often can bring stressful people into my life. Key Takeaways: [2:05] Cherophobia is a fear of joy and here are the causes of it [4:20] I didn’t want to let my guard down because then bad things would happen [5:50] I recreate my trauma again and again [10:20] Not wanting to take risks in my life or be too happy [13:12] As I reflect on my past, I still have a list of things that make me unhappy [15:58] I’m running, but not getting anywhere [17:22] My past relationships had so much stress in them [21:41] I’m constantly having to keep moving and be vigilant [23:37] Looking at the goals I have to work on and how to move forward [26:38] I feel better, like I can channel my own inner power now [29:00] Looking at treatments for cherophobia Resources: The Body Keeps the Score Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I recently discovered my old running logs and it was a treasure trove of information on how my life used to be between exercise, old boyfriends, and what my life was like before Molly died. So much of life has changed, and yet, it’s like nothing has changed at all. In this episode, I explore my journals and the power of music. Key Takeaways: [1:41] Having a deep attachment to things especially after Molly died [2:42] Creating an actual bedroom for Jack [4:30] Finding my running logs and it’s hard for me to write things down [7:02] Tracking my running habits, periods of running, and no running at all [13:18] Not running because of having kids and asthma [15:55] I never seem to finish journals and it’s a pattern [21:34] Using music for therapeutic purposes [27:49] Signing up for tap class, stopping, and starting again with Jack [31:01] So much of my life is no different than 40 years ago [32:19] What my new year could look like [35:27] What’s your favorite artist? Resources: We Are The World Fast Car Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation