A Thousand Tiny Steps

Jennifer Speidel, my long time friend and now author, wrote a book called Lady Justice and the Sisterhood of the Crones. A story of a corrupt world where women are silenced and it's up to Mavon and Buluku to get justice, gain wisdom, and rise to their true power. Key Takeaways: [0:39] Why I decided to write my first book: womanhood and getting older [4:20] I started the book by writing the chapter titles and developing characters [6:05] Crones in the book and what it represents in real life [12:07] The writing and editing process [16:18] Giving the book a genre [20:32] Being a crone is not supposed to be a bad thing [25:07] How I found a publisher and the marketing I have to do [30:11] Book signings coming up [31:31] My next book: The Cursed Life of Goldilocks [34:05] Deciding to do an audiobook version or not [37:11] Reading two excerpts from the book [44:35] Taking inspiration from sexism in real life and putting it on the page Resources: Lady Justice and the Sisterhood of the Crones The Testaments Book The Change Book The Woman of Wild Hill Book When Women were Dragons Book The Goddess Project Connect with Barb: Leave me a message Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Gracie has been living in France and is here to tell us all what it's been like! From navigating bonjour correctly to making friends with people from all over the world, and just being in your 20s navigating new experiences and a whole lotta change. Key Takeaways: [0:44] I've been working for Disney in France for a 2 months and here's what's different [6:22] The pastries are to die for, but the food is bland [12:14] Portion sizes are definitely smaller [14:12] Disney World Orlando vs Disney Land Paris [17:59] The French go on strike a lot [19:52] Work life balance in France is a culture shock [21:11] Experience trying to speak French and people's reactions [27:26] How Disney Land Paris has similar, but also different buildings and attractions [36:43] Change is scary, but I made the leap [43:27] Being in this life stage where I'm figuring out who my people are [46:55] What it's been like making friends and how my housing has been [52:08] I make these little vlogs of what I do in France Connect with Barb: Leave me a message Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

My mom is moving into what has been my office for years, another Molly birthday went by without her here, I'm exhausted from a lack of support, and I'm trying to find myself through it all. So if you also don't know what you're doing? Hi, I'm Barb! Join the club. Key Takeaways: [0:00] I bought my house 26 years ago [2:17] We're moving my mom into my old office and it's a lotta work [4:20] Molly's been dead for 10 years [5:26] There's a shift in the air [7:45] These past 18 months I've had to put myself aside for others [9:38] What's next for the podcast [11:09] Trying to find clarity in who I am or why I'm here [12:01] Movie recommendations Resources: The Best You Can The Fundamentals of Caring The Madison Connect with Barb: Leave me a message Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I've been thinking a lot about aging… and purpose… and what it means to still matter. This is where I'm at right now. Connect with me: Newsletter Leave a message Transcript: This is a man with an incredibly high IQ who helped thousands of children in his years as an educator. When I called him up to thank him, he cried, and he said, it's just so nice to feel needed. My good friend David, it's like he's fighting an uphill battle all the time. And, and he remembers that aspect of himself. He is definitely still wanting to contribute to society. He was super helpful with me last week on a school board issue, and so this hurts me, and makes me sad and I'm surrounded by it. I'm now caring for my mother. So I have an older person for whom I have great love, that lives with me. And, and the more I watch her, the more I see where she's, you know, beginning the long walk home, right? Where she's struggling physically, it's a reminder that there's a lot she just can't do by herself. Then I look at Kenny, who's 70, he'll be 71 in September, and all of the myriad health issues he's had, and I worry, am I expecting too much of him? I wake up at night and I'm worried. I have a body that's already showing signs that it isn't what it used to be. I'm 62. I'll be 63 in July. So I'm clearly at a place in life, where I have far less ahead of me than behind me. I just need, support, in my role as an aging human with a little boy and a caretaker to people who are aging much faster than I am. I know on the school board. I'm just another person who doesn't wanna let go of the past. I should move on and let the people 20 years younger than me take over and acknowledgement that I'm not ready to be here. I'm not ready to step aside, nor should I. I have two really good friends from high school. They just don't ever stop remaining connected to their families and my family, we connect, but not at all like these families do. When I wake up in the middle of the night because it's a lot of self-reflection to have I lived a good life? Am I ready to be where I am? You know, if I had not had Jack, what would I be doing? And, I never once didn't think about my age when it came to having Jack, but that was such, that was such a spiritually, emotionally driven time and decision that I know I was supposed to do, that I feel that Jack is my purpose and so he'll help me stay healthy physically and mentally and emotionally and all that - his existence, not him. What am I satisfied with and what do I regret? And of course, someone like me is going to constantly focus on the regret, on the regrets. All the races I lost, all the people I hurt, all the things I failed at, rather than making a list of the things that I accomplished. If I had not had the life I had, would my now time be different? I look at my mother and how, somehow she's living here and like it or not, I'm probably gonna have to rearrange a lot of my house to accommodate her needs sooner than later. She fell yesterday and, you know, banged up her ankle and her skin just cuts open. The skin just gets so thin. I hate when she falls, it scared the crap outta me. The sound of her voice when she was calling for me, she was scared. It reminded me of when we had to walk down Mount Madison in the pitch black when I was seven. She had a tone in her voice that had fear in it. It scared the crap outta me. And I heard it yesterday. Here I am: still wanting to set goals, still wanna go to the CrossFit games. Still want a million people to buy Molly's book. You know, I still want so many things, like I matter, like I'm contributing. I'm not ready to not contribute. I'm at an age where it might be time for me to rethink about what I want. Not give up, not let go, just shift and recreate and see what the world has to offer. I'm pondering my life as somebody old enough to collect social security - on one level, but young enough at heart and body and mind to kick ass in a CrossFit gym on a...

I didn't know what to do. This is a story about the first time I realized something wasn't right… and how long that moment stays with you. Connect with me: Newsletter Leave a message Transcript: It was a sunny summer afternoon in 1979. I was wearing a gold polyester uniform. I was a waitress at Weeks Family Restaurant. It was my first actual real job, and I loved it. Interacting with people, talking to people you would never talk to. I loved the people I worked with. As I looked toward the front of the restaurant, I saw a gentleman come in and sit at the counter. So I went down to give him a menu and see if he wanted coffee or a glass of water. It was my Grampy Max. I said, "hi, Grampy Max!" and he grinned at me. I didn't notice anything at first. "Max, it's me. It's Barbie!" I said to him, to which he responded with a very flirty, inappropriate reply about Barbie dolls. I was looking at somebody I knew and they had no idea who I was. And saw me not as - a grandchild but as, as someone to flirt with. I'm one day post funeral for a neighborhood mom. Neil's mother's name was Mary. Mary was your classic stay at home mom that opened her home to everybody. She lived in three different houses on one block, right near Whites Park in Concord. So I went to the calling hours and I was talking to Neil, and I said, "how are we here? How are we here? I wish it was 1980" and he said, "I wish it was 1987" and that was the year both of us would've been juniors and seniors in high school. We just wanted to go back to a time where we felt grown up enough to enjoy the grownup things. You know, sneaking beer in a field, I guess, but young enough that our whole life was ahead of us. And I know for me, and I think it's true for a lot of people, the aging process happens quickly and all of a sudden you find yourself: caring for my mother. The more I watch her, the more I see, where she's, you know, beginning the long walk home, right? Where she's struggling physically, where she's struggling emotionally, and, and it's a reminder that - there's a lot she just can't do by herself, and that's just the reality of it. Then I look at Kenny, who's 70, he'll be 71 in September. Am I expecting too much of him? Does he sleep late in the morning 'cause he is just exhausted, not because he's trying to be a jerk? Am I asking too much of him around Jack? He has such a good rapport with Jack, but I, I just notice and watch now. I'm watching how things change and they change subtly so you don't notice it right away. This hurts me and makes me sad and I'm surrounded by it. And I was dumbfounded. I was 15 years old, just about to turn 16, and I was horrified - paralyzed. The manager of the restaurant watched this interaction and came over to scold Max, my Grampy, and I said, no, no, no, wait. And walked away with him and told him that it was my step-grandfather, that he didn't know me. We should call my grandmother, which we did, and she came down and got him. She didn't realize he left the house. I was looking at somebody I knew and they had no idea who I was. I didn't know what to do. [OUTRO] I wrote all of this down later, on a crumpled, coffee stained napkin. If you want to see it, it's in my newsletter. I hope you like it, Grampy Max. Credits: Sleepless by Clavier-Music Clavier's Youtube Restaurant Ambience

As I watched Colin Kaepernick's documentary, I thought about the times in my life I felt rejected, times I felt underestimated by the men in my life, and the times I felt outcast by different groups and like I'm constantly walking a path trying to find the right one. Key Takeaways: [2:18] Colin Kaepernick's documentary: rejection is not failure, but calibration [4:09] Colin being adopted and feeling like a second choice [6:02] I feel like a second choice in many ways [8:43] What does recalibration and rejection even mean? [12:37] Trust your power, even when they reject you [13:46] I feel rejected on the school board [15:50] How do you find your own path and make a change? [17:46] Colin gave away so many scholarships [20:53] Underestimated, overlooked, and outcast [22:16] Ask the people who are impacted by political choices Resources: Colin In Black & White Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I read the most wonderful piece of writing that is short, but so impactful because in five chapters it made me think through all the crap in my life that hasn't gone well, but also to the future and what I could do with it. As I continue into March, I do so with trepidation - and perhaps, just a little hope. Key Takeaways: [1:08] Missing Gracie, keeping time, the CrossFit Open, weight gain, and my newsletter [4:47] An autobiography in five chapters [6:46] Chapter one: traumatic things that have hobbled me [7:43] Chapter two: my weight gain [9:10] Chapter three: my alcohol use [12:02] Chapter four: the Bahai fast [14:04] Chapter five: what I could do with my life [16:02] Coming up with new ways to make money for the foundation [16:57] How do I personally walk down the street? [18:45] Having a hard time with God [20:29] Trying to change behavior [22:55] My newsletter connects to the podcast Resources: The Karen Kenney Show Autobiography in Five Short Chapters Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

It's crazy to think about how many people I've connected with and I'll never meet them. How many times I'll stand in a subway, wonder if I knew a person from school, and never find out. Because life doesn't always give us answers, but it always gives us choices. Which ones are right and wrong? Well, I'll be here with you as I find out. Key Takeaways: [1:23] Is it about the destination or the journey? [3:17] I'm just left pondering and ruminating [6:08] The show Ripple is so reflective of my life right now [11:46] Thinking of how we're connected to people we've never met [13:20] I'm at a turning point in my life [15:21] Stop putting pressure on ourselves to be who we were [17:42] Life sometimes feels like walking in circles - in the mud [19:13] Not every question we have is meant to be answered [20:35] Heading into spring and I can't fix anything [21:32] Maybe we learn to carry pain with us Resources: Ripple Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I have a lot of anxiety and resentment present in me right now and in my never ending quest to understand how I got here, I turned to something truly holy: memes. They led me where I didn't expect, which was down a path of contemplation of what karma really means and how what I can get done in 15 minutes changes by the day. Key Takeaways: [0:39] Having a lot of anxiety right now [2:41] Toxic positivity [3:27] Americanized karma is crap [6:51] The Great Law [8:40] The Law of Creation [10:11] The Law of Humility [13:56] The Law of Personal Growth [16:12] The Law of Responsibility [18:05] The Law of Connection [19:45] Hamlin's Razor [20:43] The Peter Principle [23:19] The Dunning Kruger Effect [26:32] Parinson's Law [27:43] The Pareto Principle [28:52] What law or principle stood out most for you? Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As usual on nights I can't sleep I turned on the TV and into the most amazing series on a woman's children who are kidnapped by the father and the tension that ensues. It made me think about what a family is, how that defines us, the societal rules around it, and what role domestic violence leaves people. Key Takeaways: [0:49] The show: No One Saw Us Leave is amazing! [2:30] The patriarchy in this really struck a chord with me [5:18] Vicarious violence and second order violence [7:26] Equality is not the same thing as equity [10:10] The nuclear family and societal rules [14:01] How this show connects to my job loss and upbringing [18:09] How far should family loyalty go? [19:46] What's disrupting families [23:25] What does family mean to you? Resources: No One Saw Us Leave Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I finally found the term that describes me: Generation Jones. Not a Baby Boomer, but not quite Gen X either. The in-between that's sandwiched between two generations and as I talked with my friends I realized many of them felt the same way. Key Takeaways: [0:30] So I'm technically a boomer - but I'm not [3:01] I'm a generation Jones [4:35] Biggest difference between baby boomers and gen jones [6:01] The political and technological differences [11:57] Idealists vs realists [14:07] Feeling like you don't belong in a generation [14:53] Keeping things private versus saying something [17:52] How we manage our emotions [20:19] Being able to talk freely [21:33] The different way we grieve Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

One Boomer. One Gen Z. Who will prevail? In this battle of wits both generations hash out what Riz means, how to use a landline, and if crop tops were truly a move forward in fashion. It's going to get groovy - with a little turbulence! So hold on to your seats, sit back, put your oxygen mask on first, and enjoy the episode. Key Takeaways: [2:02] How did you find info without the internet? [3:28] Slang: cap, riz, stand on business [6:32] Did you have to rewind a VHS or use a payphone? [7:39] What's a Tamagotchi? [8:04] How did you entertain yourself on a Saturday morning? [9:50] Were you a latchkey kid? [11:53] How much time do you spend socializing online vs in person socializing? [15:01] Did you have to use a landline? [15:52] How do you feel about being constantly connected with social media? [22:10] What's the most memorable 80s/90s fashion trend you wore? [24:05] What's a fashion trend that's been brought back in popularity? [26:31] What is a walkman and did you have one? [28:02] Who are the biggest influencers in your life? [31:58] What was your first job and how did you apply for it? [35:03] What's most important in your future career: money, purpose, or balance? [39:05] What is a Rolodex and what is it used for? [40:21] How do you approach talking about mental health in the workplace? [41:36] Generation Gap Trivia: name 3 members of the Spice Girls [42:27] Can you identify a popular TikTok or 80s movie star? [44:45] What was the most significant invention in your lifetime? [46:24] How did you keep in touch with friends without a phone? [46:53] What was your favorite childhood movie, book, or show? [49:33] What age did you think was old when you were a teenager? [50:45] What is the most pointless app on your phone and why? [51:26] What is a fashion trend you think is ridiculous? [53:32] If you had to live without a piece of technology for a week, what would it be? [54:11] What is the biggest misconception about your generation? [56:04] What do you think is uncool about your parents' generation? [58:33] What is the best piece of advice you've ever received? [59:28] If you could go back to any era, which one would it be? [1:02:39] What's a family tradition you hope to pass on? [1:03:14] What's something we could teach each other? [1:05:08] What's a movie you wish you could watch for the first time again? [1:06:57] What's a floppy disk? [1:07:15] What's a pager? [1:07:45] What did one use 6*7 when making a phone call? [1:07:57] What's a BOPIT? AOL? WWW? [1:08:58] What's My Little Pony? American Girl Dolls? Easy Bake Oven? Napster? [1:10:36] Who are the characters of Friends? Gwen Stefani? Fanny packs? [1:11:42] What's an overhead projector? Mimeograph machine? [1:13:36] The biggest difference between our generations [1:15:30] If you had to describe your generation, how would you? [1:20:47] What generational divide did we forget? Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As my mother ages and new challenges arise, my life is becoming increasingly complex and overwhelming as I try to find a way forward that preserves my mother's dignity and my sanity. Part of me feels like there is a reason to charge forward with my work and the other part of me feels like giving up. Key Takeaways: [1:31] The Netflix documentary Empty Rooms [5:58] My mother living with us has been a struggle [9:54] Not having my own space [12:24] My mother has this expectation that she just gets things [16:09] I never thought my adult parent would live with me [19:24] Looking at what I've tried and what hasn't worked [23:03] I feel like I should just give up Resources: Empty Rooms Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I am still battling the flu, running my household, spending most of my day sleeping, and binge watching TV shows I've had time to think. It's given me time to think about my mindset, where I live, what I'm doing next, and it's given me time to look over the wonderful guests I've had that continue to inspire me. Key Takeaways: [1:23] Binging Stranger Things and realizing the choices in front of me [5:58] Shows involving time travel and grief [9:23] Being sick, sleeping a majority of the day, and calling myself a victim [11:52] Is my environment unhealthy for me? Do I need to change it? [13:55] My previous guests on the podcast and future ones [21:10] My podcast episodes that have profoundly impacted me [24:20] Getting wonderful feedback Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I feel directionless in life, I don't know what to choose next, and I need to figure things out. Because in Motherland? I have no other choice. I've been goal setting, problem solving, and trying to learn how to take care of myself in an effort to find a solution. But one thing keeps getting in the way. How do I mother others without someone mothering me? Key Takeaways: [1:09] My TV interview and why I chose the title Motherland [3:08] Waiting for things I know won't happen [4:48] My mom's losing her independence and I'm left mothering myself [6:52] My psychic, visit from Molly who told me to get rid of manipulators [8:08] Being told to take care of myself and not take things personally [9:39] Being parentified as a child, but wanting to change [12:27] Making outcome based goals makes me feel like a failure [13:22] Working on my mobility is a process goal [16:18] If I stay where I am, how will I change? [18:02] I've never really taken good care of myself [19:19] I need to promote my book and figure out my podcast [22:32] I am at a fork in the road and don't know how to make things happen [23:59] Enjoy whatever your January will be Resources: My Psychic Medium My TV Interview Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Gracie and I got together to talk about New Year's resolutions, Wicked, our favorite swear words, and how we've grown. From lessons on not comparing yourself to others to realizing setbacks can actually be an opportunity for growth, listen to us as we come up with the most creative curse words we can think of. G is for the grumbling that I do. R is for the resolutions, toodle-oo. A is very, very asshole-a-ary. C is cunnnnn-tinuing another year to go. I is insomnia that gives no rest. E is existential dread all year… Key Takeaways: [1:10] Letter A [1:58] Letter B [2:36] Letter C [4:09] Letter D [18:02] Letter E [4:46] Letter F [5:32] Letter G [6:23] Letter H [7:20] Letter I [8:00] Letter J [8:38] Letter K [9:20] Letter L [10:00] Letter M [11:21] Letter N [11:58] Letter O [12:56] Letter P [13:45] Letter Q [14:27] Letter R [15:14] Letter S [16:09] Letter T [17:26] Letter U [18:34] Letter V [19:56] Letter W [21:06] Letter X [22:02] Letter Y [22:19] Letter Z [22:44] Gracie's year has been filled with lots of setbacks and growth [26:10] Gracie's resolutions for the new year [26:46] I feel like I'm in the middle of everything [30:03] You can't compare yourself to everybody else Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Grieving during the holidays sucks. I'll never "be over it" as some people like to say. I will grieve again and again for Molly. My grief has changed how we celebrate holidays, but at the same time having Jack is also changing how we celebrate. I don't know what's ahead, but no matter what my message is the same - celebrate the holidays how you want. Key Takeaways: [4:40] Not feeling excited about anything anymore [6:13] The non-profit Compassionate Friends [11:15] Going through the stages of grief over and over again [16:45] I'm never letting go of my feelings of Pain over losing Molly [18:02] Grief takes time [18:46] I think using things like alcohol or drugs can sometimes be necessary [20:39] The different ways you can grieve [21:44] Not celebrating the holidays [23:18] How my grief has impacted Jack [24:17] The anticipation of grief is the worst part [24:48] Acknowledge your pain, take charge of life, and think positively and realistically [27:42] Be patient and kind with others [28:45] Strategies to help cope with grief [30:00] Keeping holiday traditions, changing them, and new ones [31:23] Siblings always get thought of last in grief [34:59] Do what you want for the holidays Resources: Compassionate Friends Coping with Grief During the Holidays Sixth Stage of Grief Friends of Aine Camp Erin Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

The current school board is beginning to feel like… Regina Georgia's lunch table. It reminds me of previous years on the board, my relationship with Chris Rath, all the emails on my school account, and so many other mistakes I made. One thing's for sure: I need to learn to notice the change in the weather unless I want to sit with more regrets soon. Key Takeaways: [1:34] Wanting to keep things the same and not noticing a change in the weather [3:07] Not becoming president of the school board [5:54] The board is twisting my realities into something it's not [10:08] Most of the board members have the same demographics [11:36] My separation agreement that wasn't so confidential [14:01] Filing a lawsuit against Chris Rath [16:35] Putting sensitive information on my school emails [21:49] Requesting time to go to the divorce hearing and being denied [24:42] Speaking out against the demolition of Kimball School [26:20] Fired for testifying at hearings and "giving athletes passing grades" [28:36] Looking back on all my mistakes [31:49] Being setup to fail [33:39] I need to learn to pay attention to subtle cues Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

If a clone of me was suddenly created and I interviewed myself here's what I'd say. Because trust me, I did not want to do another episode where I talk about the sadness of grieving during the holidays. So instead, enjoy as I talk about everything from what I'd tell myself at 18 to the name of my book - if my enemy wrote it. Key Takeaways: [4:23] What people misunderstand about me most [5:30] My biggest failure and what I learned [7:17] What I want to be remembered for [7:53] My favorite holiday movie [9:29] The advice I'd give to my 18 year old self [10:26] The three most influential people in my life [12:15] What health and wellness mean to me [14:26] My self care routine [15:42] How I stay on track with my diet [16:59] My favorite way to stay active [17:43] The turning point to take my health more seriously [18:07] A wellness hack for everyone [18:56] How my perspective on mental health has changed [19:43] My inspiration to stay healthy, what I love, and my best choices [20:48] My favorite social media platform [21:25] My favorite sports [22:19] When I got interested in sports [22:50] My greatest accomplishments in sports [23:35] My favorite sporting icons [24:18] Which player in history I would speak to [24:47] Sports education is important [25:56] Where I would live if I could [26:31] What historical figure I would get coffee with [27:04] My favorite subject in school [27:22] My astrological sign [27:36] What I would do with $10,000,000 [27:53] What I would write a book about [28:08] The one meal I'd eat for the rest of my life [28:28] Name of my book if my enemy wrote it [29:20] My favorite color [29:57] Do you like this episode? Resources: Family Secrets Podcast Karen Kenney Podcast Secrets of the Blue Zones Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

After my job loss, I was invited to do an interview which became the most popular one on our local radio show. A few days ago was the 40th year anniversary of a school shooting in Concord and I talked to one of the students who went through it. In this episode, I go on a trip down memory lane. Key Takeaways: [1:25] I don't feel like I've made a lot of progress [2:12] 40 years ago there was a school shooting in Concord [5:40] The overwhelming grief of the mother [6:34] I talked to one of the students that went through it [8:02] Why is my anger getting in the way? [13:37] My interview on my job loss [18:41] I'm angry, frustrated, and lonely Resources: 1985 School Shooting Interview with Paul Part 1 Interview with Paul Part 2 Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation