Broken to Brave

Once in a while, we do something that marks a “before” and “after.” This list, for me, was one of those things. The defeated, desperate, broken person I was at the beginning is far from the determined, risk-taking, brave person who I became by number 50. And because the list never quite ended, I simply stopped counting, my progress continues and, a year and a half after completing the list, I’m finding bigger and better ways to challenge myself. This journey has come to a close, but our Patreon show will continue with Rob and myself discussing what our life has been like after number 50. We hope you will join us. Until then, thank you for listening and sharing this journey with me. I truly hope that you will make a list of your own and break through the fear that is holding you back. Completing the list was scary, writing the posts, that would eventually become the podcast, was scary, recording each podcast was scary, but none of that came close to the insane courage and vulnerability required for me to get through the terror of doing number 50 on the list... I Shared My List. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

So much of my life has been spent worrying about what other people think. I stressed over what people would think of how I was dressed, my hair, my makeup or lack thereof, my weight, my shoes, whether the colors I was wearing suited my complexion. Does anyone remember when we had to know what “season” we were? There’s so much pressure to know what we’re doing. I opted out. I made myself as invisible as possible. I dressed in black. I wore clothes that hid my shape as much as possible. Stepping out and doing my hair, makeup, and outfit and going out in public with people who knew me was a risk I avoided at all costs so I knew it would eventually have to be faced which is how I found myself at number 49 on my list.... I drew attention to myself physically.

When something is scary, we avert or close our eyes. We don’t watch. We don’t look at it. We close our eyes and wait for it to be over, right? Someone will take away the scary or gross thing, the scene in the movie will be over and you’ll be able to come out from under the blanket. So when I found out that what I feared most was about to be shown on a large screen in front of me, my first instinct was to close my eyes and wait for it to be over, but I didn’t. I challenged myself to face it and watch every second of it with my eyes fixed on the screen which is how I found myself doing number 48 on my list... I Watched the Live Feed at Take-Off and Landing If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

Is there anything scarier than approaching a group as an outsider? For me, in the moment, I couldn’t think of anything harder to do. They were having fun and in mid-conversation. All I could think about was, “What if I interrupt and they stare at me awkwardly? What if I’m not welcome?” Forcing my legs to move me across the street and my brain to be quiet despite my terror is what led to number 47 on the list... I approached a group of fans at the pole. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

I’ve spent my life hiding and so much of my list reflects that fact as I’ve repeatedly fought to break out of that pattern. It hasn’t gotten easier. I think some things have, the more I’ve been exposed to them, but not this. I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t push through my fear, yet again, and do number 46 on my list...talked to Gillian without a shield. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

Maybe it was the adrenaline rush and momentum from riding the London Eye because, not long after, I found myself deciding to attempt yet another height related challenge. Our Airbnb host told us where to find one of the best views of the city which is how I found myself white knuckling it as I faced my fear and did number 45 on the list...I went out on the deck of the viewing area at Tate Modern. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

I could have stayed on the bench. I could have been content with just getting on the ride. It was a big step. It could have been enough, but then I wouldn’t know if I was capable of more. I wouldn’t have seen the view which looked so very different from the window. I wouldn’t have a shared experience with Rob and Molly, and I was really tired of the disconnect that comes when you live trapped in fear and anxiety. So I got off the bench and forced myself to do number 44 on the list... I stood at the window. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

I have always been terrified of heights. I don’t like rides that go up in the air. I’m also afraid of drowning. I’m not a good swimmer and I have asthma which adds another layer of anxiety for me. The one absolute I had when we were planning our trip to London was that I would not be riding the London Eye. Rob and Molly could go on together and I would wait for them safely on the ground where I belong. As soon as we approached it, though, I knew I couldn’t fall back into my old patterns. I knew I had to face my fear of heights and my fear that the ride was above water which is how I found myself doing number 43 on the list... I rode the London Eye. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

It seems there are endless ways to numb out these days. We don’t have to look very far for ways to distract ourselves. The problem is that it only prolongs the inevitable. We have to feel the feelings eventually whether we like it or not. This was the last layer of the work I had been doing throughout this list. Notice it, name it, feel it, and let it go was working to a point, but I seemed to get stuck and/or prolonged the process or wanted to dull the residual pain with “treats” for having endured difficult feelings. Working the entire process and not reaching for my crutches, for the first time, was number 42 on my list... I didn’t numb out. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

Tattoos are a way of marking a moment or a feeling or an event. They tell a portion of our story. They are a visual reminder and I desperately needed a visual reminder that I am safe. That I can let go. To pick up that pen and write. Sounded easy enough until I remembered that to get that visual reminder I must first allow someone to inject my skin with ink and a needle. Facing my fear of both of those things is what led me to number 41 on my list...got tattoos. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

When you struggle with anxiety and/or social phobia it is very easy to avoid certain tasks or situations and let someone else do them for you. It seems helpful at the moment and it can be hard to see the downside. For me, the downside was that my life was getting smaller and smaller and my self-esteem was eroding more and more each time I avoided a task. That’s why I knew I had to face my fear head-on and challenge myself to do number 40 on the list... I pumped gas. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

I am surrounded by people who live to get their pictures taken. They do photoshoots for fun. I am not one of those people. I’ve always hated getting my picture taken and struggle with the vulnerability that comes with being “seen.” When we produced a fan event for C2E2, I never in a million years thought that it would end up on my list. We had done close to 200 live events at that time so I didn’t think there would be any surprises, yet there I was facing one of my worst fears as I did number 39 on my list... Let an artist draw my face. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

I struggled with perfectionism for much of my life. I have improved a lot over the years, but not when it comes to my writing. Sharing my early writing is something I only do with Rob and Molly. I don’t let others see it until it is more complete...more polished. I was even more nervous about this particular work because it was my first time writing fiction. I was writing about a girl who lost her father. Grief is always hard, but grief for children is even harder so I wanted to write a story that illustrates the difference. When my friend asked if I’d show him what I’d written so far and my initial reaction was to run, I knew I had to face that fear head-on. I went home, sat at the computer, tamped my fear down, and, with a very shaky hand, pressed send and did number 38 on the list... shared my first draft with someone. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

So often I have kept my life small by avoiding situations that scared me. The only way out of that pattern is to root out where you are still stuck and push through the fear. Sometimes you need to follow the path to its conclusion and other times, like this one, just going through the steps and being willing to try is enough. There are far scarier items on my list, but what I keep getting reminded of is that it’s the seemingly insignificant baby steps that often bring about the most change. That’s why number 37 is on my list... attempted to go to the gym on a Saturday. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

I have always tried to control my environment in order to feel safe. I don’t like to even go to a restaurant without reading everything on their menu. I don’t like surprises and I sure as hell don’t like to do anything without knowing the rules and what to expect. Learning as I go? God no. Which is why number 36 on my list is so significant... I beta’d. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

Sometimes things ended up on my list because I pushed through tremendous fear to achieve them and then there are times like this where the list takes on a mind of its own. I was gaining so much confidence by this point that I was jumping in before the fear had a chance to stop me. The act of staying with it and not bailing when this happened was where I fought through the fear and held strong as I waited for the results of doing number 35 on my list...Volunteered to be a guest on a podcast I didn’t know. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

I’ve always hated to make or receive phone calls. I’m sometimes okay once they get started, depending on the person and the reason for the call. More often than not, however, I end up talking over the person or having awkward silences. Video calls make it worse... well, because they’re video. I mean let’s face it there’s way too much to deal with there on top of the already awkward phone call. There are also lag problems that cause me all sorts of issues. It has always been so much easier for me to convince someone else to make the call for me...by someone, I mean Rob...but not this time. This time I sucked it up, dialed the number, and connected to number 34 on my list...made a phone call. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

One of the hardest things for me to face on this journey was the loss of my playful side. I used to be fun and I wanted it back so I took a chance. I was so scared that it was gone completely, but I pushed through the fear, put on a thousand pieces of clothing, and went outside to do number 33 on the list... played in the snow. My podcast about my year of living dangerouslyIf you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

Sometimes an idea is planted and we allow the door to open just a crack. We allow ourselves to think, “What if?” Or “Maybe that could work for me, too.” And sometimes it takes on a life of its own and becomes more than we ever dared imagine. This was one of those times. I cracked open that door and then I took a huge leap of faith and landed right on number 32...bought tickets to a play in London. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

I’ve always been jealous of people who could use sleep as an escape. Sleep, for me, has always been a struggle. I wanted it to be a time of peace and rest, but it was often the opposite. Hypervigilance, fear, and anxiety were my constant nighttime companions as I waited for morning to come. Night terrors and nightmares plagued me most of my life and now we're opening up a memory I didn’t want to relive which was why it was so important I face that fear and do number 31 on my list...worked on my sleep habits. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below. Patreon @brokentobrave I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website. Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast Twitter @broken2brave Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.