Busting Addiction and Its Myths

In this podcast, we examine why the truth is so elusive for family members of alcoholics and addicts. We discuss how people who have an addict or alcoholic in the family: 1. Deny the very existence of the disease. 2. Become too ashamed to admit the truth to themselves. 3. Ultimately need to confront the truth in order to heal.

You’ve probably heard the term “enabler”. It’s one that’s often charged with judgment and stigma. That’s because one feels accused of aiding and abetting addictive behaviour and it doesn’t feel at all fair because you do what you do out of love. More than a role, enabling is a dynamic that arises in specific scenarios. People who engage in enabling behaviour behaviours aren’t the “bad guy”, but their actions have the potential to promote and support unhealthy behaviours in others. In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time with life at the moment. If you think about it, it would be hard to find a person who is completely aware that they are engaging in enabling behaviour and go ahead and do it anyway. Enabling behaviour is the invisible ally of the addiction. Denial, minimising, excusing, explaining, covering are well-intentioned or unconscious. But it is mis-guided because it simply feeds and prolongs the unhealthy behaviour.

Love has this wonderful ripple effect, emanating its warmth and power from you to your family and well beyond, and it seems miraculous in its infinite ability to heal. Think for a moment about unconditional love: loving someone regardless of what they look like, what they do for a living, how much money they have, or whether or not they are doing what you want or expect them to do. This kind of total love - the unconditional kind – is put to a severe test when it comes to loving someone who is a substance abuser. When you think about it, it’s almost impossible to invoke unconditional love when the abuser abuses not only drugs, but also causes needless pain and worry on the entire family. They, not the addict, bear the consequences. There is no use in trying to leverage love, as in: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t be doing this.” Addiction cares only to feed itself. Love has no influence over it. We often tell parents of addicts that even though their actions were often based on love; even though they thought they were doing the right things, their actions were well-intended, but they were misguided. They were acting on the illusion that they had some control over the trajectory of their loved one’s disease while also not recognising that protecting their loved one from the worst consequences was simply feeding the addiction. It was the highest form of enabling: feeding the addiction by providing shelter, food, money and the freedom to come and go. With zero consequences.

When you are talking to a full-blown alcoholic or addict or one who is both - and the list of cross-addicted people is growing – you might not be too surprised to learn that they speak an entirely different language than you do. An example: an addict is confronted by his mum who says that he has a big problem. The addict doesn’t hear that. He thinks to himself that his mum is the problem because she stands in the way of him getting more dope. When an addict or alcoholic does something that is reasonable, don’t get your hopes up. It’s more likely than not to be a coincidence, for every once in a while, he does make a good decision. Every once in a while, he has a good day. After I sobered up, I used to say: “When I was drinking, every once in a while, I had a good day. Now that I’m sober, every once in a while, I have a bad day. Not that I drink over it, either.” The brains of alcoholics and addicts, when they get to that stage, have changed and will never entirely be the same.

A well-known actress, comedienne and TV producer was once asked what made the essential difference in her highly successful life. For those old enough to remember Lucille Ball, she answered as follows: “All my young life, I was told I was a no-good show-off. My self-esteem hovered just above zero, until I was told by a good friend that my first job was to learn to love myself first and everything else would follow. I had to overcome the toxic shame that was imposed upon me by others and learn that I was a person who was lovable by others and above all, by me myself. I had to care for myself as If I were caring for my dearest friend. Then when I showed myself the same love that I would show my dearest friend, I was filled with Love and became able to love others, to trust them, to give of myself with no thought of return. My love became unconditional. So, no matter what, I could love you even though I might find what you did was terrible. “ So that’s the problem with those who love an addict or alcoholic. They, the caregivers, have developed self-hatred because of their inability to control or “fix” their addicted loved one. They have yet to appreciate the value of self-compassion, perhaps have lost their own identity in the co-dependency of the relationship, so there is no one there to love. Addiction is known as a family disease because addictive disorder causes addictive behaviour on the part of everyone in the family.

It’s never too late to act, whether your loved one is now at the stage where an intervention is necessary, or you have a younger child who might fall prey to an addictive disorder and want to keep that kid safe. But you are not sure how. Shatterproof is an organisation 100% dedicated to preventing addiction, providing greater access to treatment, and educating the public and public officials on the nature of addiction. One of their initiatives is called “Building Youth Resiliency”. The purpose of the program is stated as: “Parents and communities can help young people develop the self-esteem and decision-making skills needed to avoid substance use.” They created a resource kit called “A Parents Guide to Raising Resilient Kids” and in its 36 panels, it contains some sterling advice for parents who rightfully fear the risk of their beautiful child falling prey to drug use. The evidence is overwhelming that kids as young as ten are exposed to and experiment with street drugs. These days, with deadly fentanyl on the loose on the street, in your local coffee shop or at the convenience store, parents must be vigilant yet give their children the freedom they deserve to grow without undue restrictions. They need to raise kids who are resilient.

A friend said to me the other day that she feels like everything we do is becoming pathological. We eat a lot, so we’re a candidate for Overeaters Anonymous. We have sex with more than one person, we should join Sex Addicts Anonymous. We got drunk, so we should join AA. If I choose to call an addiction “repetitive behaviour that causes you and those affected by your behaviour major harm, and you can’t stop even when you want to”, then maybe you have an addiction. This was hardly a scientific definition, of course. Using it as an informal standard, think of the many things besides drugs and alcohol that we know people are addicted to.

There is still little understanding of the power of the substance fentanyl. Let’s start with some inconvenient facts. Drug overdoses claim more lives than breast cancer, gun violence or car accidents. Combined. They are the #1 cause of accidental death in the United States. According to the CDC, there were over 109,000 fatal overdoses in the 12-month period ending March 2022 (the latest data available). Overdose deaths were fuelled by the rapid increase in the availability and low cost of synthetic opioids, especially fentanyl. It’s now sprinkled into almost any illegal drug to give it a bigger kick, and that’s so that you the addict will go back to your dealer and say: “Hey that was some good …I’ll have more of that.” Fentanyl is consumed straight up as in snorted, injected, or smoked with marijuana, mixed into meth, snorted with cocaine, consumed as part of a heroin injection and so on. Users often don’t know that they’re also using it as part of a recipe for their drug of choice. Since it is 50 to 100 times more powerful than heroin for its weight, it’s easy to overdose if you’re only off by a little bit. Thank goodness that naloxone, also known as Narcan, is now widely available to help those who have overdosed but are still alive to instantly reverse fentanyl’s effects. Multiple naloxone doses might be necessary because of fentanyl’s potency.

Very recently, my ex-fiancé called me in a panic and sobbed that her son, my stepson really, was a raging addict and she didn’t know what to do. He and his wife have a two-year-old son who deserves better, while my stepson – let’s call him Jimmy – is snorting and smoking and injecting who knows what. He’s applied for a medical discharge due to joint disabilities, and it is apparent that he got addicted to pain killers coming out of his knee surgery. So, my ex wants me to “talk to him and get him to go and get some help”. You must be kidding. First, I’m 9,000 miles away and he is defiantly rejecting any help. I said to my lovely ex: “You have two big problems; one he doesn’t want to go into treatment, and second, you haven’t set up a treatment centre that will take him. In other words, you (mum, sister, wife) are all running around feeling sorry for yourselves and expect me to save the kid. You have no plan. We have no plan. And you’re acting as crazy as he is right now. What we need at the very least is an intervention, either a well-planned family intervention where everybody reads the intervention book and/or we hire a professional interventionist.” “Are you prepared to give him the choice of treatment or the street? As in: “You don’t get to see your son if you choose to continue to use and not get treatment”? Because now they continue to enable his addiction to flourish. They are feeding it. Housing it. Paying for it (he’s stealing the money or dealing in the drug). This is how they love and care for him. I see this all the time. Addiction just sucks any of the positive, creative, life-giving oxygen right out of the family because now “they” are all worried about the addict when they are better off worrying about themselves and what the addiction has done to their family.

It can happen at any time. The bell might ring, the alarm might sound, the light might flash any time of day or night. We might be half asleep or we might have our shoulder to the wheel, pushing with all our might. Awakenings happen all the time, to people all over this earth. For the purposes of this discussion, awakenings are of two types. The Dad says: “Oh my God, my son is an alcoholic.” Or the addict says: “I think I am powerless over drugs and alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable.” In either case, one hopes that upon awakening, the Dad or the addict will seek the help he needs to take him to the next step, and that is the realisation that the admission of powerlessness is the first step in regaining any power whatsoever over a powerful disease. During our addiction (I speak from experience), even though we might have experienced some good times, a vague and persistent nagging within our deepest selves continued to bear witness that all was not well. In fact, it was, at times, hell itself. Then we would get sober or clean for a little while and we could pretend awhile longer. Until we couldn’t.

You would be amazed at the negative self-talk I hear when the family of a drug abuser or alcoholic starts answering pointed questions. “Do you feel as if “this” is your fault?” Most say that they feel at least partly to blame “if only…” which suggests that they believed that they had any control over the trajectory of the disease, that if they had done “something” they might have saved their precious son. Little did they know then that addiction is so slick, their son might have been a drug abuser for years before he could hide it no longer. Denial is such a powerful force that both the addict and the family are in the same fog until a bright light shines into it and exposes the truth for what it is. Addiction as a family disease. One common element is that of self-loathing. The “parents” hate themselves and feel shame that their child is now labelled an addict, and that comes from ignorance that addiction is “just” a disease and not a moral failing. The addict is tortured by feelings of low self-worth and shame that he has fallen down the social ladder, often because he’s no longer employed or employable. Friends his age now have a career and families going while he skulks about looking for his next hit. While he suffers from depression and OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, his family suffers from guilt and shame and cannot imagine being nice to themselves, never mind each other. This is where self-love comes in. Just when it is needed the most. This is where persistent self-compassion comes in. It is to be found in a community of like-minded people, usually, in a fellowship like Al-Anon where people are taught to start loving themselves again after they have imposed brutal punishment upon themselves for not being able to fix their loved one. As if they could.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life. In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home. Signs of a sick relationship I highly recommend the book by Melodie Beatty called Co-dependent No More which she has updated to reflect her experiences in the field over the last twenty-plus years. Some of my views are shaped by her teaching and many more come from my experiences with addicts, alcoholics and their families. When things at home have become really bad, when the addiction runs through the house like a freight train, the family cocoons itself out of self-protection. What I mean by this is the individual members adopt an attitude which is called "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" as a means of numbing themselves against the insanity and horror happening at home. Even when things have not yet become desperately bad, family members exhibit secrecy, resentment, erratic and hurtful behaviour, blaming, and active denial. All the relationships in the family, including the relationships between spouses or between a parent and child, become poisoned by the disease. The issue here is one of awareness. If the family members (or at least one of them) are not aware that they are in the grip of the family disease called addiction and/or alcoholism, then they will spiral down to an eventual breakdown or breakup. Unfortunately, denial steps in to perpetuate the disease, to keep the family in the dark. That is how this thing works. Sick relationships are just symptoms of a much deeper problem. Without realising it, the family slowly but surely comes under the influence of the disorder, because the disease wants nothing more than to feed and sustain itself and cares not at all about who it hurts. In that case, even love itself is powerless unless and until someone in the family wakes up and realises that help from outside is desperately needed.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life. In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home. You can't will this away Our Western culture has us believing that we are the masters of our own fate and that we are the captains of our individual souls. The underlying idea here is that the "will to win" can power us past any obstacle, any barrier, any circumstance that keeps us from achieving some sort of victory. We make heroes of those who have "conquered the odds", and indeed there are many who serve as examples of extraordinary efforts leading to extraordinary results. We are mindful of the fact that for every champion, there are countless others who never even come close. They, too, however, are deserving of praise just for doing their very best in trying to win, powered by the will to win. We all agree that no one can predict the things that are out of our control: a world-champion racing car driver dies in a horrible accident, a famous actor dies of AIDS, a politician dies of brain cancer. We do accept that we cannot predict the unpredictable. That said, our culture has great difficulty, however, accepting the concept of powerlessness. When we are faced with the statement contained in the first of the twelve steps of AA that states "we were powerless over alcohol...,” we reject any idea that suggests we have no power. No power whatsoever is a bitter pill to swallow for those of us who believe that we have power over this thing we call addiction. We have no power over someone else's addiction or alcoholism, and this is the important thing to remember if you are not the one with the addiction. The bitter pill of powerlessness, ironically, is the key to the door of ultimate freedom. We never thought that the key to victory was surrender. Once we accept the reality of powerlessness, we are liberated from our old, erroneous way of thinking. The illusion that we could, will this away on our own had to be smashed. The lucky ones, the ones who have awakened, come to understand that it is only when we surrender our own self-will that we can get onto the path that leads us to healing.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life. In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home. No one is immune No one in the family is immune from the effects of addiction or alcoholism when the disorder appears and lives inside one of the family members. That is why the professionals in the space call addiction or alcoholism (often it's both) a family disease. Why is that so? First, the family suffers from a lack of education about the disease, so family members become unwitting players in a psychodrama written and directed by the addict/alcoholic, or more accurately, by the disease itself. What does the addiction want? Above and beyond anything, it wants to be fed so that it can sustain itself and grow. And grow it will, for it is a voracious beast that needs more and more of the substance by which it is nourished. We know very well that addicts need ever-increasing amounts of whatever substances they are addicted to, to get high, and they seek new substances and combinations thereof to get to the elusive nirvana they are chasing. I know for myself that I needed a 12-pack of beer before I could begin to feel anything going on, and so the same can be true of us drinkers as well. To tell the truth, beer was my gateway drug to marijuana, so there goes the "marijuana is the gateway" theory. All of the above is going on in the family without the "sober" members realising it, and they have started to "dance with the devil", as I often put it. They resort to trying to control the addict's use, lie to protect their job, dispose of the drugs, angrily confront them, resent them when they do not behave, blame them or others for the way it is now; they fear for the future and for the welfare of their loved one. What is happening? The family has caught the disease and is now acting in irrational ways to try to control what they are powerless over. That is what we mean when we say that no one in the family is immune to the disease. It will continue to ravage the family until and unless someone who has had quite enough cries out for help. Only then can the healing begin.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life. In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home. I'm only OK if you're OK Let's stretch this concept just a little further. Let's say: "The mum is Ok only when her addict son is OK". The addict's desires begin to rule the family. That's because it has already started to become dysfunctional as a result of addictive disorder living under the same roof. Because the co-dependent (the mum) is unconscious of her own true needs, the one time she feels OK is when she thinks her son is OK with his life and OK with her. She puts her loved one's happiness above hers at all times, leaving zero room for her own needs or anything that will give her joy or pleasure. She feels depressed and extremely anxious when her son faces a challenge and is compelled to assist him in solving that problem. She takes ownership of every problem he encounters. She is compelled to offer a rapid-fire series of suggestions, even tries to change her loved one's beliefs, and feels very angry when her advice is not followed or proves unsuccessful. She finds herself saying "yes" when she really thinks she should say "no" because the thing she fears the most is the disapproval of her son. In reality, that puts the addict in charge. Imagine a sick, self-centred addict being in charge of anything, let alone what his mother does. Chances are, he's talked his mother into doing something that will enable his addiction to grow and flourish. Co-dependents exhibit all sorts of attitudes that are self-defeating. They reject praise or compliments. They believe they are not good enough. They believe that they can't do anything right and are fearful of making errors and feel guilty much of the time. They attempt to help others live their lives as opposed to paying attention to their own well-being. They have a poor sense of boundaries and think nothing of pushing unwanted advice without being asked for it. And yet, what others think of them is paramount. That's why the co-dependent mum rarely says "no". In the rare event that his mum does say "no", he will make her feel guilty. He connives to make her relent, and if she does say "yes", he will now "love" his mother, and she'll feel OK because he is now OK with her.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life. In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home. The illusion of control There's something to be said for the idea that we have the ultimate say in the direction and quality of our own lives. Being the "master of our fate" is embedded in our culture as a truth, at least as a worthy aspiration. Let's bust this myth with the real truth, a truth grounded in the evidence we see all around us. Too often, an unforeseen event will throw even the most self-assured people off their life's track. Too often, a disease such as an addictive disorder will upend even the most "normal" and happy family. Yet, the family caregiver, typically the mum, will hang on to the illusion that she can affect the trajectory of her loved one's life. Even when her son or daughter is in the grip of a disease over which neither they nor their mother has any control whatsoever. It is a well-proven truth that is well-expressed in the first step of the 12 steps of AA: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol..." That applies to the mum as well, as she is just as powerless over their alcoholism or addiction as they are. It's called a family disease for a reason: because it's true.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life. In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home. Co-dependency - We've all got it Every person on earth has at least some form of co-dependency, just as everyone experiences anxiety. There are some who worry from time to time, and there are others who live in an endless state of worry, what professionals call anxiety syndrome. A whole class of drugs has developed around this one symptom. The same goes for co-dependency. Who doesn't want their spouse or child to be neater at home, and try to “get" them to do what they think is right? This desire can be placed on a continuum from mild to bothersome to severe. When the desire to control becomes severe, it is classified by psychiatry as co-dependency; it becomes an addiction in and of itself. We see the most severe form of this phenomenon in families where there is addiction at home. What starts as the "desire" or "want" to have the other person stop or control his or her drinking or using drugs in the early stages ultimately manifests itself as an all-consuming obsession that sucks all the oxygen from the room. The co-dependent person - the person close to the addict or alcoholic - exhibits many symptoms of unhealthy behaviour, the primary one being feeling overly responsible for the other's feelings, actions, decisions, and overall well-being. They have confused their own agenda with that of their loved one. In fact, they have no agenda of their own anymore, not since they became unwitting partners in addiction. So, even though we all have it in various forms, co-dependency will take over even the most "normal" families if they are not alert to its harmful potential. And most families are not, given their inclination to deny the very existence of addiction in their own family.

In this podcast, the producer of our podcast series, Tony, asks the following question: Do recovering people have to go to meetings their entire life? There exists a myth that going to meetings for the rest of one's life is drudgery. The myth evaporates when a recovering person aspires to life-long recovery just one day at a time.

In this podcast, the producer of our podcast series, Tony, asks the following question: What freedoms are allowed in treatment? Before recovery, we acted on our whims, believing we were free when we were in truth enslaved by our disease. It doesn't occur to us until much later that there is liberation in the disciplines that we learn in recovery.

In this podcast, the producer of our podcast series, Tony, asks the following question: Why is my loved one like this? Shame and denial are companions that prevent a family from taking the action needed to make progress against an addictive disorder. Education on the nature of addiction is therefore the first step in healing.