Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!). TAKEAWAYS: [:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner. [5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery? [12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment and recovery. [15:40] I’m stuck in the rage phase - how can I decide to heal or leave? [23:05] You cannot drag someone else into healing, but you can heal YOU. [27:18] My partner is so ill that I can’t help him anymore. What do I do now? [35:24] Why do so many CSATs coddle their patients? [41:11] My partner recently uncovered childhood sexual trauma. What should come first - couples therapy or CSAT work? [46:48] Can my partner pray his way out of addiction? [49:35] Write this down - there is nothing I have ever done or am currently doing or will ever do to make my partner act out. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “If you have a sex addiction, I don’t want you to stop having sex. I want you to do it in a way that’s healthy and honest.” “Addiction is not about the behavior, it’s about the function it serves.” “You have the opportunity to choose. You don’t have to stay stuck in this.” “Give yourself the gift of getting the help you need.”

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior? [6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical? [10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma? [14:04] I think my spouse is lying about his recovery and he failed his porn addiction test. Now what? [22:45] What resources are available to learn more about addiction so I can better understand my loved one? [27:02] I don’t trust my partner’s CSAT because of my history with unhelpful counselors. What can I do to improve our dynamic all around? [33:25] What are some actionable ways I can rebuild trust with my betrayed partner? [39:25] What is the best 12-Step recovery program for me? [44:05] I can’t stop lying to my betrayed spouse. Is this a slippery slope back into addiction? [51:16] My partner has multiple addictions and is compartmentalizing recovery. Is this the best approach? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “If you choose to leave your partner, you don’t do it to make them do something differently.” “While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.” “Getting sober is not about not doing things.” “If we’re not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we’re willing to change, we can have an amazing life.” “You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.” “A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.” “Being honest takes practice if you’ve been lying forever.”

This week’s conversation features The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler. He answers questions about needs and wants, the role of sex in meeting relationship needs, and what partners can do to feel more securely attached to each other. TAKEAWAYS: [1:24] Is disclosure always necessary? [3:43] People in recovery often aren’t aware of what their needs truly are. [6:42] What happens when we neglect our own needs in favor of others? [9:36] Babies understand that making demands develops love. [11:05] The danger of ignoring your needs during recovery. [13:55] Is sex a need or is it a tool? [17:40] Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner. [22:53] Only one of the four categories of needs can be met in a partnership. [27:10] The importance of relational agreements. [30:08] Who holds all the cards in our relationship? [35:57] I’m doing all the heavy lifting in our relationship, why should I meet his needs? [42:10] The underlying needs behind sexual advancements. [45:55] What do we need to explore that will feel fulfilling for both of us? [49:50] How can I better receive my partner’s bids for attachment? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Wants and needs are ultimately synonymous.” “Both partners deserve to express and meet needs within the relationship.” “Boundaries give the other person an opportunity to treat me to my needs.” “Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner better.” “The only category of needs that you can meet as a couple is relational.” “Without trust in a relationship, you’re going to have a hard time with attachment.”

In this week’s Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss answers participant questions about spectrum disorders, personality disorders, honest therapeutic disclosure, and the importance of involving qualified professionals in diagnosis and recovery. TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] What are the key differences between the compulsion of a sex addict and OCD? [6:08] The danger of self-diagnosing personality and mood disorders. [11:51] Is the treatment the same for hypersexuality and sex addiction? [16:50] How can my partner have an honest therapeutic disclosure if he doesn’t remember what he did? [20:23] The importance of involving qualified professionals in recovery. [24:46] Am I dealing with a sex addiction or chronic cheating? [31:36] How does an addict come to recognize lying and omission of details? [37:46] Is it dangerous for my addicted partner to only communicate with their support group via text? [39:42] Key differences between addiction and co-occurring mental health issues. [42:00] Are all CSATs trained in therapeutic disclosure? [44:56] How can I support my friend on the spectrum with their addiction? [50:06] Is my partner ready for disclosure if he still has active accounts on sex and dating websites? [53:23] How can I set healthy boundaries against my partner’s rage? [54:42] Can my addict partner stay separated from other addicts so they can’t act out together? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “At the end of the day, even people with obsessive compulsive disorders can get help.” “Often the behavior looks manic, but it’s really addiction.” “Having one positive experience isn’t going to drive long-term change.” “There is zero downside to doing recovery work.” “Stopping problematic behavior is just abstinence, it doesn’t change your life.” “Recovery isn’t about stopping behavior. It’s about integrity and doing the right thing.”

In this webinar, CSAT therapist Jon Taylor offers a high-level overview of Attachment Theory, how it manifests as maturity in a relationship, and how it impacts sex addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. Jon and Tami then answer questions about attachment theory's role in creating strong relationships. TAKEAWAYS: [:55] The role of attachment theory in addiction recovery. [1:58] The history and research of attachment theory. [7:02] Emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity. [8:20] Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits. [9:35] Patterns in baseline attachment styles. [13:20] Recent findings in attachment theory. [15:50] What does attachment theory teach about maturity in relationships? [19:20] How does attachment style apply to couples in recovery? [23:18] Contemplating real loss and forgiveness in recovery. [27:40] How can I navigate trauma in a way that doesn’t traumatize my children? [29:55] Attachment and personality grow out of temperament, but presentation can change over time. [35:04] Attachment explains everything, but it’s not the answer to everything. [36:10] As a partner, how can I preserve our progress and disengage early in the negative cycle? [39:22] How can I overcome my attachment style to create a stronger marriage? [43:51] How long should an SA be in treatment before making a long term relationship decision? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “It’s one of the most annoying parts of therapy, but it really does all come back to mom and dad.” “Part of attachment theory is understanding that emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity.” “Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits.” “Attachment theory is important but it does not totally dictate how we can and must show up in our relationships.” “For maturity to take place, we have to learn how to control our impulses.” “Attachment explains everything, but it’s not the answer to everything.”

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of sex and pornography, and how these addictions create dysregulation in the dopamine rewards system. Scott and Tami also answer participant questions about the difference between habits and addictions and timelines in recovery. TAKEAWAYS: [1:10] The dopamine system craves rewards and pleasure. [3:41] The danger of manipulating the dopamine system with addictions. [6:13] Sexual fantasy delivers a high that is much cheaper than drugs, but just as dangerous. [6:47] As a self-adjusting and self-healing organ, the brain senses when things are going wrong, but addicts respond by consuming even more. [10:15] The downregulated brain will always win when chasing a higher high. [15:26] How long does it take to reset a dysregulated dopamine system? [16:12] Rerouting the pathways that addiction creates in our brains. [19:05] Addicts are so focused on acting out that they aren’t paying attention to what they’re missing out on. [21:51] People who pass the one year mark are much likelier to stay sober for the rest of their lives. [23:18] Does the brain magically reset? [24:01] Can sex addicts actually change? [27:01] My addict husband doesn’t have any problem performing multiple times a day, how is that even possible? [27:53] Why do I continue to lie to my partner when I know it’s causing her pain? [32:35] My addictions and ADHD medication have dysregulated my system. What are my options? [34:11] How can my partner keep relapsing when he promises me he won’t? [39:36] How can I help my partner who is on the spectrum? [40:25] How long does someone need sobriety before they can work on trauma? [44:26] Can we incorporate specific sex acts into our relationship during recovery? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “There’s a reason we have a dopamine system. It’s part of our survival.” “The problem with addictions is that we can manipulate the dopamine system.” “For addicts, it’s much more about the hunt than the actual sex act.” “We have created a chemical imbalance in our brain through our addictions.” “Addicts are so focused on acting out that we’re not paying attention to what we’re missing out on.” “Once my brain reset I had no interest in going back to the misery.” “Addicts chase pleasure as a way of really avoiding pain.”

Mark Anthony Lord joins Tami to discuss the value of building a better Higher Power relationship, and why that can be a key to lasting recovery. He shares his personal addiction recovery experience, the joy he feels from being alive today, and how he was led to create the 12-Step Church. TAKEAWAYS: [1:32] Sex and drugs recovery was the impetus for Mark’s spiritual path. [4:47] Learning how to forgive is a critical component of effective healing. [6:45] Church can be a place of gathering, healing and community. [12:55] 12-Step Church offers connection and celebration in recovery. [16:45] Recovering addicts deserve more than just being sober, we deserve to be happy and alive on purpose. [22:48] Details for joining a weekly meeting with 12-Step Church. [27:01] Addictions of all kinds are addressed at 12-Step Church. [31:03] How am I still alive? The miracle of life after addiction. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “My entire life took a completely different path because of one little moment.” “There’s always a number of people in recovery in the room at church, but the room wasn’t always designed for them.” “Wherever you are on this journey, that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.” “We all deserve not only to be sober but to be happy.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Erin Snow answers participant questions about fetishes and triggers – what they are, where they come from, and what they really mean about a person’s sexuality and the likelihood of successful recovery. She also offers resources and actions betrayed partners can employ to empower themselves while they offer support to their addicted partner. TAKEAWAYS: [:56] My husband’s fantasy about my sister underlines his addiction to non-consenting victims. [4:00] All humans fantasize. That doesn’t make all behaviors acceptable. [8:00] Do fetishes get more intense from watching porn? [10:01] Can we incorporate healthy fetishes into our sex life? [12:47] Is my fetish a sex addiction? [15:13] What happened in my childhood that led to my fetish? [20:20] My husband is defensive about watching teen porn. How can I keep myself and our children safe? [26:29] I think my partner is protecting his addiction, he says I’m crazy. How can I protect myself? [32:10] I’m going crazy waiting for my partner’s disclosure. What can I do to empower myself in this process? [38:25] My partner is watching barely-legal porn. What does his fantasy say about our reality? [45:13] What actions reduce intimacy? My partner doesn’t recognize all of the ways that I’m trying to connect with her. [50:13] My partner has been lying about his recovery group. How can I reset clear boundaries? [52:02] My partner never follows through with his safety plan and is relapsing again. I think I’m done, but where do I go from here? [57:10] My partner’s CSAT causally diagnosed me in their session. Now what? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Fetishes are not going anywhere. It’s part of your arousal template.” “Fetishes are neither good nor bad. It’s just a question of whether you can incorporate it into your sex life.” “Knowing the fantasty and the why behind it is not going to solve the problem.” “For most of us, recovery is literally learning a new language.” “Fantasy life and reality are two very different things that shouldn’t be compared at all.” “We are not going to judge you for staying or for going. But that decision has to be yours.”

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of pornography, and why it's such a hard "drug" to quit. Scott and Tami then answer participant questions about porn addiction and recovery support for both the addict and the partner. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Porn, written porn, and ‘not porn’ – all from a porn addict’s perspective. [2:47] What makes so appealing porn to addicts? [4:20] The two elements of pornography that make it highly addictive. [12:45] What is happening inside your brain while watching porn? [13:51] Porn, cocaine, and orgasm payoffs, ranked by pleasure levels. [16:20] Why do some addicts have a physical library collection of porn? [19:38] By escaping, porn addicts miss out on the good as well as the bad. [24:48] Should I start using video editing apps to take away erotic content? [27:20] What is the difference between porn addiction and compulsive porn usage? [28:23] Is there anything healthy about sexualizing myself in a performative way? [31:07] Is any element of porn usage healthy? [34:12] As a sex and porn addict, is there any scenario where I could view porn in a healthy manner? [38:30] Is sex itself ever going to be satisfying enough for my porn addict partner? [42:13] How do I protect myself from rewiring my brain into an addict's brain? [45:30] Is my addict partner trying to escape our marriage? [48:58] If we have sex every night will my partner stop cheating? [50:47] How can I be the best cheerleader to my partner through recovery? [52:01] Is watching porn considered cheating? [55:10] Resources that focus on grief and loss of porn addiction. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “If I’m looking at an image to get a physical arousal, it’s porn, whether somebody else would classify it as porn or not.” “Porn addict brains and cocaine addict brains are indistinguishable. The parts that are over and under developed look exactly the same.” “Addictions are not about pleasure. They’re about escape.” “There is nothing in a TV show that is worth me losing my recovery.” “There is no ‘just one’ for addicts.” “There is not a partner on the planet that can make their addict not act out if they’re ultimately going to.”

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami discuss and answer questions about building confidence in recovery. They describe the coping strategies and layers of hurt that can be found on the pain field, and the four things that have to happen in order for a partner to successfully stay on the pain field in order to work toward recovery and healing. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on February 21, 2024. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] The pain field is a place where both partners are speaking a different language. [5:03] Emotional dysregulation happens when either partner leaves the pain field. [7:25] Where does a partner go when they leave the pain field? [9:10] Why should a partner want to stay on the pain field? [11:30] Slowing everything down is the starting point for staying on the field. [13:52] Quiet down the inner child to engage as an adult. [15:32] Stay present and engaged, then identify the pain point. [20:32] If you see your spouse moving off the pain field, tell them. [24:00] The ultimate goal is reconciliation. Getting there will be a process. [27:36] If a man is getting flooded, he needs to take a break. [32:41] My spouse has a pattern of accidentally physically hurting me or my possessions, is this unconscious resentment? [37:04] If my spouse needs to take a break, why doesn’t he just say so? [38:12] We just got back together and now I’m experiencing abandonment trauma. What should I be focusing on to feel healthy? [41:43] How can I be more attune to my wife’s wishes? [45:20] How important is it that the betrayer be on the pain field? [48:00] What does Dr. Eddie which he had known early in his recovery? [49:34] My wife gets triggered when I don’t check in with her. Is this normal in recovery? [51:45] How can I quiet my inner child if I don’t believe it’s real? [53:45] My husband doesn’t think he’s dealing with addiction. How can we navigate recovery? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “We’re not going to do anything perfectly, but if we’re willing, we stand a chance.” “You have to quiet the inner child before the emotions begin to ramp up.” “If you’re not engaged you may as well be on another field.” “Your infidelity is the cause, but not the core of your spouse’s pain.” “If your partner is totally deflated and depleted, you’re not going to get what you’re looking for. You’re going to get just the opposite.”

Debbie McRae takes on a word that she hears daily in her practice – gaslighting. Why do sex and porn addicts gaslight, and what can their partners do about it? This webinar covers what exactly gaslighting is, what purpose it serves, what it might sound like, and what you can do about it. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Gaslighting is a term that Debbie McRae hears every single day in her practice. [1:21] Simple and clinical definitions of gaslighting and common dialogue used in gaslighting. [5:13] Acknowledgement of the seriousness of an addiction means the addict would have to do something about it. [6:19] Gaslighting partners are trying to avoid facing reality and avoid confrontation. [8:01] Increased defensiveness and denial are common signs of gaslighting. [9:10] Addicts often believe they are the exception to the rules. [10:09] Shame and extended periods of getting away with gaslighting are common reasons addicts continue to gaslight. [11:25] Gaslighters have a style – the intimidator, the good guy, and the glamor gaslighter. [15:24] DARVO – deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender – aims to shift the blame off the addict. [16:35] The danger of minimizing rather than validating, withholding, countering, diverting and discrediting, deflection and distraction, and stereotypical labeling. [22:49] Using loving words and rewriting history are confusing ways to manipulate a hurt partner. [24:30] How can you stop the gaslighting as an addict? [28:18] What can the betrayed partner do about gaslighting? [34:50] The importance of focusing on your own recovery. [38:01] Is it normal that my spouse won’t even talk to me about his porn addiction? [44:21] How much responsibility do I need to take for my addict partner’s behavior? [48:35] Why does my partner blame me when I am blindsided by his behavior? [52:44] How can I identify real abuse versus the mental illness that is adding to the issues? [55:00] How can I handle my partner’s passive aggressive behavior? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Gaslighting is a power trip. People gaslight because it gives them power.” “Gaslighting keeps the betrayed partner constantly on their toes and on high alert.” “Gaslighting can be really hard for the betrayed partner to identify.” “Betrayed partners have superior memories because they are connected to the prefrontal cortex.” “If you are a liar, know that you are a gaslighter and you have to be honest with yourself.”

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating? [8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain. [11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse. [13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement. [18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I’m slipping? [24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery. [26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out. [30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.” [30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am? [37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery. When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing. [38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here? [42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it? [48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem. Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.” “Relapse doesn’t just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.” “It’s much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.” “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.” “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it’.”

Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off? [2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom. [4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more. [6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response. [7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers. [8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you’re feeling. [12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally. [15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to. [18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers. [19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift. [24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner? [27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain. What can I do? [36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain. [43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband’s recovery group? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don’t want to be in.” “Triggers are normal for addicts, they’re normal for betrayed partners, they’re normal for people whose lives are perfect!” “All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.” “Triggers lose power when they’re not rewarded.”

Boundaries can be one of the hardest areas in recovery for both the addict and their partner. Addicts and their partners only have one thing in their control during recovery – themselves. Setting up both internal and external boundaries is key to a successful recovery journey. In this online webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses internal boundaries. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] Common boundary mistakes that are setting recovering couples up to fail. [2:10] What safety boundaries are (and aren’t). [4:05] Internal boundaries define what you will and won’t tolerate from your partner. [6:28] ‘Thinking’ boundaries allow us to challenge our negative thoughts. [12:47] ‘Emotion and feeling’ boundaries allow us to decide if and how to move forward. [15:35] Choosing to respond rather than react. [20:11] Internal boundaries that focus on healthy actions and behaviors. [27:15] Appropriate boundaries around betrayal details. [31:40] The best place to start is with yourself. [36:40] If the goal is connection, boundaries are essential. [37:15] My partner doesn’t even know what they’re feeling. Where do we start? [44:01] My partner refuses to put in the work. Now what? [47:52] How does neurodiversity affect our relationship and recovery? [52:35] My partner lied about his therapist. Where do I go from here? [56:08] I need help setting reasonable boundaries. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Boundaries are about keeping the good in and the bad out.” “Internal boundaries allow you to question the facts without getting triggered into distressing emotions.” “I can approach my feelings as opportunities to learn about myself and my partner.” “The more time we spend getting to know our internal boundaries around our actions and behaviors, the better the outcome is going to be.”

Forgiveness is a long and winding process. Like grief, it takes many forms and cannot be rushed or demanded. Betrayed partners can choose to offer forgiveness on their own timelines. Dr. Rob and Tami explore the steps of forgiveness, the timeline of returning intimacy, and what it takes for an addict to truly hit rock bottom and start to make real change. TAKEAWAYS: [:28] What is a good indicator that a betrayed spouse is ready to start working on forgiveness? [6:06] What is your motivation for forgiveness? [10:05] What is a realistic timeline for returning intimacy? [13:48] Is revenge sex ever appropriate? [19:08] What does it take for an addict to truly hit rock bottom? [27:00] If the threat of losing their family doesn’t change an addict, will anything? [28:00] How much of my husband’s acting out was done consciously versus as a result of drug use? [32:45] My cheating spouse hasn’t had sex with me in 3 years. Should I have sex with him now that he has confessed? [36:14] Why is my partner still triggered about my betrayal when it was over a year ago? [43:58] Should we sell the house that my partner cheated on me in? [47:52] What recovery resources are available to me and my partner? [53:52] Is it okay to ask my husband to share what he discussed in therapy? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES “Forgiveness is like grief. It’s a long and rolling process.” “Intimacy is taking a risk that your partner might reject you. It’s one of the highest forms of vulnerability.” “If you, your relationship, and your children weren’t important enough to your addict, then nothing will be important enough.” “If we are not your first treatment program, we want to be your last.”

An apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing. In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize. TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology. [4:06] John shares the first big fight he and his spouse had in their marriage. [6:41] Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the first step, then asking ‘How can I help?’” [12:25] If your apology is coupled with resentment, you’re not doing it right. [15:30] Turn on your thinking brain and consider what you could do differently. [18:30] Offer solutions to your partner that can correct the hurt. [22:05] The danger of a forced apology. [24:08] The non-apology apology is thinly veiled manipulation. [27:27] How can I proceed when the people I’ve hurt refuse to talk to me? [33:14] How does self-sabotage show up for both addicts and betrayed partners? [37:40] Self activation and authentication can open us up to hurt as well as clarity. [38:50] How can I react to my addict spouse if he refuses support? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES “If you’re going to use apology, you need to be ready to follow through. Otherwise you’re going to hollow out the word and make it the word that signals the start of a fight, not the start of repair.” “Apology, executed well, can be a powerful change for the person issuing the apology.” “I ended up listening and paying attention, and that’s the power of saying ‘I’m sorry’.” “Be careful not to hold your ‘I’m sorry’ hostage or make it conditional. If you’re doing that, then you are the problem.” “We’re misusing an apology when we expect it to be a quick fix.” “We never know where our person’s breaking point is and we can’t be the one to define that.”

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the details of honesty – when, why and how you must tell the truth to begin reestablishing trust with your betrayed partner. Recovering addicts often take breaks in their recovery meetings and goals only to discover that they have taken serious steps backward as a result. Prioritizing the 12 Step program is essential to recovery and is also a sign that the addict is prioritizing their partner as well. TAKEAWAYS: [0:44] If sex addiction is so prevalent, why are there so many strip clubs? [03:51] Any tips for practicing rigorous honesty? [9:00] Slow down and just tell the truth. [11:00] Are betrayed spouses perturbed when partners start changing? [15:26] Honoring your boundaries when your partner is picking a fight. [19:08] Is it okay to focus on my own steps as well as my partner’s at the same time? [24:20] Part of recovery is developing interests that are not sex-related. [26:00] How can we rebuild trust when the initial disclosure was dishonest? [30:45] How can I stop obsessing over whether my partner is being honest? [35:08] My affair partner won’t leave me alone, what kind of individual help is available to me? [38:49] I’m the former affair partner, now he’s cheating on me. [42:43] I’m so hurt. Is righteous victimhood a justified option? [49:12] How can more privacy be a good option in recovery when there is no integrity? [54:16] Prioritizing the 12 steps is prioritizing your spouse. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES “The problem isn’t in all the stuff that’s out there, the problem is within us.” “Tell the truth and tell it faster.” “We don’t tell the truth for other people. We tell it for ourselves.” “You can’t fix your partner. You can only work on you and how you show up.” “Disclosure is a tool. It’s not the end point.” “You don’t want to do the things that have been done to you. You need support and healing so you can be at peace with what’s happened.”

Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to leave. [6:45] Practical considerations that face the betrayed partner who is thinking about leaving. [10:17] Are you suffering any physical or emotional abuse by choosing to stay? [11:50] How has staying with your partner affected your physical and mental health? [13:45] Has your partner ever voluntarily come clean about their addiction? Are they making any effort toward their progress? [15:50] What does your support network look like? [18:46] What is your financial situation? [19:45] Are there children involved in your relationship? [20:52] Are any of your needs being met in this relationship? Are you able to stay aligned to your own values and goals? [22:09] Have other boundaries failed to work up to this point? Would leaving help your partner realize the gravity of their actions? [24:12] Is there a foundation of love, hope, and respect in this relationship? [27:58] The right frame of mind to help you decide whether to stay or go. [33:06] How can I anticipate what my partner needs as we heal together? [38:23] Is it manipulation when my partner only says what I want to hear rather than taking real accountability for what they’ve done? [43:01] Am I enabling my partner by choosing not to divorce him for the sake of the kids? [49:34] My husband is inconsistent about recovery. How can we move toward healing? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES “If you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed and feeling like you need to leave, remember that more likely than not, you don’t have to make that decision today.” “Ask yourself, how has staying with your partner impacted your physical and mental health?” “You need to surround yourself with supportive people to help you move through the crisis into a state of figuring out how to move forward.” “Could your leaving be enough of a consequence to shake your partner awake?” “Your partner gets to decide whether they want recovery. They have choices.”

Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again? Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past. How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways? TAKEAWAYS: [0:27] I’m turned on by women that look nothing like my wife. What does this mean about my arousal template? [4:30] Even models are made to feel like they are the wrong ‘type’. This isn’t about you, it’s about the broken person that is hurting you. [6:51] It’s been 39 years without emotional intimacy. I need guidelines for living as married singles. [10:20] Why now? Consider what is prompting you to make a major change now. [17:34] Integrity issues are still a major problem. How can I enjoy intimacy again? [22:58] Setting boundaries for healthy sexuality and better communication. [26:45] Self-loathing and repulsion is a common side effect of acting out. [29:12] How can I help support my spouse through my recovery? [38:39] I’m open to reconciling, but he’s accusing me of still living in the past. Is this manipulation? [44:35] Hurt spouses are often just looking to be heard and supported for a change. [45:55] Why is my partner’s sex persona online nothing like his real life personality? [50:05] What your partner is doing is not as important as the level of safety that you deserve to feel. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES “We have to separate addiction from arousal. People have lots of fantasies that they don’t act on.” “It is challenging as a recovering partner to have your spouse not be focused on you.” “You are never, ever, ever, ever responsible for the behavior of the addict.” “I may feel entitled to have sex, but going and doing it is just acting out.” “You don’t get a gold star for not doing what you weren’t supposed to do in the first place.” “I want you to see reality clearly and without judgement.”

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the arousal template and the meaning behind escalation in addiction. Behaviors themselves are rarely as important as the reasons why the behavior is happening in the first place. What steps does an addict need to take to stop acting out in addictive and harmful ways? How can all involved parties get the support that they need when working through trauma, and where should the intimacy focus be placed in every step of recovery? TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My husband’s porn addiction has grown to include trans sex. What does this mean about his arousal template? [4:35] What role does escalation play in porn addiction? [9:12] Why do sex addicts have delusions, and can they be cured? [11:56] Examples of delusional thinking and the harm it can do. [13:48] I am the addict. What is the best way to get started with sex recovery? [19:15] The one thing Dr. Rob knows is true in every recovery situation is that no one can do it alone. [19:45] I’m one month into recovery - is it time for fun and safe games for reconnection with my wife? [26:45] Consultation options with Dr. Rob for anyone who is seeking hope and validation. [29:01] Recommendations for formal disclosure for a recovering addict should come from the therapist they are working with. [32:40] Is a period of abstinence necessary? The simple answer is YES. Now is the time to work through trauma. [38:10] If your spouse was an alcoholic, 30 days of sobriety would merely be the first step toward recovery. Sex addicts can abstain while focusing on healing. [40:02] What is the difference between high libido and sex addiction? [44:15] The top 15 activities for creating intimacy does not include sex. [44:53] Is a straight man watching gay porn seeking trauma reenactment? [48:51] What matters most is not what is happening but why it’s happening in the first place. [50:15] Gay is a way of living, not just who you are attracted to. [53:08] Understanding the why behind betrayal is not going to take away the pain, but doing the work to find peace and stability will. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES “There are many things that we are curious about that we don’t act out in real life.” “Delusional thinking means ‘I lie to myself first, and then I lie to everyone else’.” “You can’t do this alone. You cannot do this alone.” “You do not want to have sex with someone that you don’t trust.” “The issues that you’re dealing with as an addict are so much bigger than sex.”