Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

The inspiration for Episode 259 comes from a heartfelt submission we received from a betrayed partner. Her words encapsulate a struggle that many couples in recovery face. She wrote: "It has been 18 months since D-Day, and my husband has been sober for six months. Recently, he went on a work trip, which already triggered a lot of anxiety for me. While he was there, I received a receipt for a movie he watched that contained nudity and sexual content. Even though I trust that he skipped the raunchy scenes, the issue is that there was no consideration for how this would make me feel. This has been a common theme in our marriage. I have so much compassion for how he got here, but it doesn't seem to go both ways. His sobriety is there, but the selfishness and entitlement don’t seem to be shifting. I’ve asked for an in-home separation because I can't keep living like this. How can I get him to understand how much this hurts?" These words hit home for so many couples navigating recovery. Sobriety may be present, but without consideration—the conscious choice to think about your partner’s feelings and anticipate their emotional needs—the pain lingers. Consideration is a vital element in the recovery and healing process, going beyond sobriety to rebuild trust and foster emotional safety. It requires intentional, proactive efforts to understand and empathize with a partner's emotional world, especially in the context of betrayal trauma. Through actions that reflect care and awareness, such as pausing to think about how decisions may impact a partner, consideration demonstrates that their feelings matter. This practice bridges the gap between sobriety and intimacy, as shown in the story of a husband whose thoughtful choice to prioritize his wife's emotional safety became a turning point in their marriage. Despite its importance, practicing consideration is challenging due to significant barriers. Addicts often struggle with emotional awareness, fear of vulnerability, and habits of selfishness rooted in their addiction, while betrayed partners face fears of being hurt again, hypervigilance, and difficulty trusting changes. Both partners may also lack healthy examples of consideration from their past, making it harder to implement. Overcoming these barriers requires consistent effort, including pausing to reflect, validating a partner’s feelings, and taking proactive actions that demonstrate thoughtfulness and care. When practiced consistently, consideration transforms relationships by fostering trust, collaboration, and emotional connection. It allows betrayed partners to feel valued and chosen, while helping addicts break free from selfish patterns and grow emotionally. This practice turns recovery into a shared journey, where both partners link arms and work together to create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Programs like Dare to Connect offer tools and guidance to integrate consideration into daily life, enabling couples to experience the profound healing it can bring. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/the-powerful-potential-of-consideration-in-recovery-the-betrayal-trauma-healing-process Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In relationships and personal growth, conflicts often become fixated on facts—what happened, what didn’t, and who’s to blame—while neglecting the deeper emotional needs driving these disputes. Facts feel safer and easier to articulate, offering a shield against vulnerability. However, this focus on logistics often leads to surface-level arguments that fail to address the real issues, leaving partners feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Beneath every disagreement lies an unmet emotional need, such as feeling valued, prioritized, or connected, but these underlying truths are often buried beneath layers of factual disputes and miscommunication. The article highlights the importance of shifting focus from facts to feelings, using real-life examples to illustrate how emotional vulnerability can transform relationships. For instance, a husband in recovery who paused to consider his wife’s emotional needs before engaging in a triggering behavior created a breakthrough moment of connection. This act of prioritizing her feelings over rigid boundaries allowed the couple to address the core issues driving their conflicts, building trust and intimacy. Balancing facts with feelings requires practical strategies such as leading with vulnerability, setting clear discussion boundaries, and reframing conflicts as opportunities for growth. Ultimately, the article urges individuals and couples to fight the “right war” by connecting with their emotions and communicating with intentionality. Pausing to ask what’s truly at stake in a conflict helps avoid getting lost in the “fog of war” and ensures that both partners address the underlying needs behind their disputes. By integrating self-awareness, emotional honesty, and vulnerability into their interactions, couples can build stronger, more meaningful relationships where trust and connection thrive. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Are You Fighting the Right War: Working Within the Facts, but NOT at the Cost of Connecting with the Feelings?" Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 257, Mark & Steve respond to submissions by two different partners in betrayal trauma healing. Navigating the complexities of philias, fetishes, and taboo behaviors in the context of addiction and recovery can be challenging for both addicts and their partners. These behaviors often stem from factors such as exposure to pornography, trauma, or unique life experiences that shape an individual’s arousal template over time. The escalation of pornography use into increasingly taboo behaviors can reinforce unhealthy patterns, particularly when paired with masturbatory conditioning. Understanding these influences and their impact on the relationship is essential to determining whether such behaviors are healthy or detrimental. Key to this understanding is evaluating how these behaviors affect vulnerability, respect, safety, authenticity, and connection within the relationship. Healthy sexual behaviors strengthen intimacy, trust, and presence, fostering deeper emotional and physical connection. In contrast, addiction-driven behaviors often disconnect individuals from reality and their partners. Open communication, free from judgment, is crucial to exploring these issues. Partners must feel empowered to express their fears, boundaries, and preferences, ensuring that mutual respect and alignment with personal values remain at the core of the relationship. For couples facing these challenges, solutions include honest dialogue, professional guidance, and, if needed, a sexual “reset” to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy. By reflecting on the impact of these behaviors and committing to shared growth, couples can redefine their relationship in ways that align with their authentic selves. While the process can be difficult, it offers the opportunity to deepen connection, foster healing, and move forward in recovery with greater empowerment and understanding. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "My Addict Partner has Certain Philias, Fetishes & Taboo Behaviors. What is the Impact of this on His Recovery & Our Relationship?" Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 256, Mark & Steve talk raw and real to the partners of porn/sex addicts whose authentic voices have been "silenced." Silence often becomes a way of life for partners of sex addicts, rooted in past experiences, family dynamics, and cultural norms that discourage authentic self-expression. Many learn early on that their needs don’t matter or that speaking up leads to rejection or conflict. This pattern is exacerbated in relationships with addicts, where manipulation, gaslighting, or neglect make it feel safer to remain quiet. While silence may seem like a survival tactic, it comes at a steep cost—fueling anger and resentment, diminishing self-worth, and preventing relationships from evolving into deeper, more authentic connections. Over time, these suppressed emotions and unmet needs create disconnection and imbalance, leaving partners feeling isolated and unfulfilled. Breaking free from silence requires partners to reconnect with their self-worth and recognize that their value is independent of others’ validation. Practicing self-advocacy, even in small ways, is crucial to rebuilding confidence and learning to express needs and boundaries. Establishing boundaries protects emotional well-being and helps partners reclaim their voice in a healthy way. While fear of rejection is a common barrier, it’s important to remember that relationships worth keeping are those where both partners can express themselves honestly and be heard without fear of judgment or invalidation. Rediscovering your voice is not just about speaking up—it’s about reclaiming your identity and creating a life of authenticity and empowerment. This process may require support from safe spaces like therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. As partners practice authentic communication and challenge fears, they foster deeper connections with themselves and their loved ones. Ultimately, relationships where both individuals can express their true selves are healthier, more fulfilling, and sustainable. By finding your voice, you take the first step toward building a life rooted in respect, mutual growth, and healing. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Why Do I Go Silent As the Partner of a Sex Addict, and How Do I Healthily Break Free of This?" Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 255, we talk about one of the most common stories we hear: a partner stuck in the rinse-and-repeat cycle of addiction and betrayal, trying desperately to keep the relationship afloat. We received an emotional, raw submission from a listener—“Heartbroken and Exhausted Wife”—who articulated her pain, frustration, and fatigue so clearly that her words resonate as a voice for countless others in similar situations. Her journey reflects years of enduring her husband’s addiction to pornography and sexual behaviors. Over their 23-year marriage, the cycle has repeated itself again and again: discovery, apologies, promises of change, followed by a temporary calm before everything falls apart once more. This pattern isn’t just exhausting—it’s soul-crushing. It leaves partners wondering how much more they can give before they’re completely depleted. The heartbreaking truth is that no matter how much love exists in a relationship, trust and safety are essential. Without these, even the strongest bonds begin to erode. Her love for her husband hasn’t waned, but her ability to trust him has been battered by broken promises and actions that don’t align with his words. It’s no wonder she’s reached a point of despair, questioning how to move forward. For those of us who have lived through addiction—on both sides—it’s painfully clear how this happens. Addiction thrives in cycles. For the addict, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of avoidance, short-term fixes, and empty promises. For the partner, it’s easy to become consumed by the effort to keep things together. But unless the cycle is broken, both people remain trapped in their own version of suffering. In this episode, Mark & Steve get deep and personal in offering empathy and solutions for betrayed partners. They also talk directly to porn/sex addicts about what "real" recovery looks like. And why there is great HOPE for couples who find themselves in this deeply difficult place. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "My Partner Relapses, Says He's Sorry, Does Better for a Time, Then the Whole Cycle Starts Again!" Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In PBSE episode 254, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a man who has been married for 45 years and for many of those years, the sexual relationship between he and his wife has been very broken. The reasons are multifaceted and very complex. These include—the horror of emotional and sexual abuse his wife endured during her growing up years; an extremely rigid and shame-based religious culture which they both grew up in and continue to participate in; his periodic use of pornography; his anger and emotional abuse towards his wife; and other factors. He desperately wants to repair the damage he has done and find a way to heal the emotional and physical relationship in his marriage. Mark & Steve not only address the issues that this listener submitted, but the most common issues couples face in connection with healing sexual wounds, creating sexual safety and building a truly healthy sexual relationship. This PBSE listener and his partner's situation is very complicated, with a lot of moving parts: Although this situation does have some unique elements, it brings up a lot of common struggles for couples, both in and out of recovery: Really exploring a coupleship’s sexuality means backing up from preconceived “norms” around sex acts and forms of physical expression: For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Sex in Our Marriage has Always Been "Broken." How do we Repair and Heal it?" Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

With Episode 253, we just crossed the “One Million Downloads” threshold! And we’re in 204 Countries/Territories worldwide! Thank you to all of our PBSE listeners across the planet! None of this is possible without YOU! In this episode, we address a betrayed partner's questions about the role of pornography in a relationship. Here's what she submitted— Hello, I know you talk about how porn isn’t healthy or true intimacy, but what happens when your partner says they use porn to better learn how to please their partner? I ask because I’m a part of a couple of support groups, and there are a good number of women who share that this is the approach of their porn-addicted partners. I know it’s an excuse, which if anything is an understatement. Is it to possibly do a podcast specifically on this? We all know porn is NOT how to learn how to please your partner, and ultimately it’s a cop out to continue in addiction. In other words, their porn brain justifies it. I do want to note thankfully this isn’t my husband’s mindset, and have to thank both of you for the podcasts you post. My husband has shared it has helped him not feel alone, or attacked, and has helped him stay in active recovery. Over the last couple of decades, we have run into this rationale too often! Where does this come from? What role do you want “sex” to play in your relationship??? Porn has the potential to impact your capacity for feeling happiness in general! Take back ALL sexual aspects of your relationship! Do NOT allow it to be highjacked & manipulated by outside sources. Make it what the two of you want it to be; a healthy, connecting part of your overall WHOLE relationship intimacy! For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "I Use Porn to Learn How to Please my Partner. That's Healthy . . . Right?"

In Episode 252, we talk about how our “Culture of Empowerment” at D2C came about; our PASSION for PARTNERS finding their EMPOWERMENT . . . (and addicts of course, but this episode is about partners) The seeming BLARING CONTRADICTION of a betrayed partner “owning her side of the street”!— Here at D2C, our goal is to help you claim your right & power to create and collaborate in your own change, growth & serenity—to EMPOWER YOU! For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Live "Empowered" Regardless of what my Addict Partner Does or Does Not Do?" Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 251, Mark & Steve respond to a submission by a betrayed partner who is a regular PBSE listener. She describes a long-term, ongoing situation with her partner who struggles with porn use. In the beginning of their relationship, they both agreed that his porn use would not be considered, "cheating." But then a number of years into their relationship, she happened across an online account of his and actually witnessed first-hand the porn he was viewing. It was so shocking to her that she approached him to let him know that she DOES consider his porn viewing cheating. He was surprisingly agreeable and cooperative. He got into recovery, did well for awhile, and then the whole cycle started again—her discovering his use; him lying, denying and gaslighting; then finally coming clean and getting back into recovery. Then, he began "debating" whether or not he has an actual "porn addiction" and insists that in order for him to continue in recovery he MUST have a professional give him an absolute "diagnosis" of addiction or it really isn't a problem. Here's what she submitted about this— I am so angry. Can’t he see that if he is unable to prevent himself from watching porn AT WORK that this is a problem??? His “slips” happen every few months or so, and I think this is why he believes that it’s not an addiction…. So my big question…. At what point do you consider porn use to be an addiction? To me it seems like it’s neither here nor there as it’s a behavior he has been unable to discontinue, no matter how infrequently it happens. I believe he needs support and tools to help navigate this habit, but it seems as though he believes not having a “diagnosis” means he doesn’t have a problem… In this episode, Mark & Steve get raw and real about how porn addiction is a topic that often elicits confusion and doubt, especially when someone isn’t formally diagnosed as an addict. They explore the nuances of defining addiction, the impact of pornography on relationships, and the importance of recognizing unhealthy behaviors—whether they fit into a diagnostic label or not. They dive into the complexity of dealing with a partner’s pornography use, and why waiting for a “diagnosis” is not the best approach for recovery or healing. Mark & Steve address crucial issues for the porn-using-partner; for the betrayed partner; and for the coupleship. For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "Unless my Partner is “Diagnosed” as an “Addict,” his Porn Use is NOT a Problem . . . Right?" Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

This is PBSE's 250th Episode! Our deepest gratitude goes out to our global audience of listeners!!! YOU all make this possible! THANK YOU! After reviewing the last several months of PBSE Episodes, we have tackled a LOT of HEAVY topics! For this 250th episode, we want to focus on all of the hopeful, optimistic, positive reasons WHY we all do the CRAZY hard work of betrayal trauma healing and addiction recovery. To illustrate just how "worth it" this can all be, here's a comment that one our of our Dare to Connect clients just submitted to us— When I first started with D2C I had a year and half of sobriety from porn and masturbation addiction. My wife and I were still struggling with communication because of her trauma response and my lack of shame resilience. D2C sessions have helped us identify these issues which has helped us to start the true healing and recovery process. We are communicating and now collaborating with each other like we never have before. We are still learning new things a year in and plan to continue with D2C for a while longer. Thank you Mark and Steve for all the effort you put into your work. You will notice in the title the words in all caps—”COLLABORATING in the HARD” The greatest CONNECTION, INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIP RESILIENCY come from coming together as a “collaborative team” to face the STRUGGLES! Our experiences in our own relationships as well as what we have witnessed working with couples for more than 20 years— Owning and “being real” about the obstacles ahead puts us in the driver’s seat as a coupleship: Once we know where we are really starting, we can begin to truly prepare for and actually set out on the required journey. Developing coupleship “skills” in the HARD means REAL SKILLS! We are “welded” together–an atomic bomb can’t break us apart! I’ve got you; you’ve got me; we’ve got US! We actually get to decide for the first time if we want to CHOOSE “all” of each other—and KEEP choosing each other. For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "COLLABORATING as a Couple in the HARD Struggle of Recovery & Healing"

In Episode 249, Mark & Steve respond in detail to a situation and quesiton submitted by the betrayed spouse of porn/sex addict. Here are her words— My husband is very closed off with me. He doesn't tell me important things about his life, family, or what really happens in his 12-Step recovery meetings. It's like I have to know the answer and ask specific questions to get him to talk to me with any sort of detail. I know he used to do this to hide his pornography use and affairs. But even simple things, like going to a restaurant he kept hidden. Is this just a part of his personality? He's sober from porn now, but he still doesn't talk to me. It's like I only exist to him when he is at home. He was recently in a car accident and didn't tell me until he came home from the hospital. Is there any hope he will treat me like a true friend and partner, or has compartmentalization become so ingrained in him, this is just how it is? The song “Say Something” by “A Great Big World”—Say something, I'm giving up on you; I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you; Anywhere I would've followed you; Say something, I'm giving up on you. Why can addicts be “closed off” to their partners?How does this impact betrayed partners?What is the Addict Partner’s Response-ability in this situation?What is the betrayed partner’s “side of the street” in this situation?Will we ever become true friends and partners??? For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: pbsepodcast.com

In episode 248, Mark & Steve tackle an extremely intense and heart-breaking submission by a betrayed partner. Here's what she submitted— I have listened to many of your podcast episodes. An area I wish you would do an episode on is how is a spouse to handle it when your porn addicted/SA husband comes home and discloses (not the first time in our marriage) that he has been acting out for several years and contracted an STD. How am I supposed to forgive and get past that? I can’t see ever having an intimate relationship with him. However, we have built a great life (other than his sexual addiction) over our 20+ year marriage. He shows remorse, is in therapy as am I. We have not had a Formal Therapeutic Disclosure yet but it’s coming. There are a lot of aspects I’m struggling with but would love an episode on navigating an incurable STD. Sincerely, Heartbroken Spouse. Our hearts go out to this betrayed partner! In too many ways, the consequences and fallout are not only devastating upon disclosure, but also create an ongoing traumatic nightmare! What this is like for betrayed partners?What is this like for the porn/sex addict?When these two worlds COLLIDE—Addiction & Ongoing Trauma—how can a Couple navigate this?!For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/how-does-a-betrayed-partner-navigate-the-news-that-their-sex-addict-partner-has-contracted-an-incura

In this episode, number 247, Mark & Steve discuss a situation and questions submitted by the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. She does a great job presenting a balanced description of their situation, while also being very direct, vulnerable and authentic. Her addict partner has struggled with porn addiction nearly his whole life and when all the "trickle truths" started coming out, it nearly finished off their marriage. But, they both got into therapy and did a lot of hard work individually and as a couple for over a year. She describes their marriage as "feeling a lot safer and stronger." At the same time, there are still some significant struggles. Here's how she describes it— The issue that continues to arise for me, is that my husband seems to “need” sex every 4 days, or he will feel that he is too distracted by women and his sexual desires which impacts his recovery. This also impacts my ability to feel that I am in full control of my own body as well as feeling wanted and chosen, as opposed to just being the object of a selfish need. I understand that men are biologically more inclined to feel sexual desire more often, but is he limiting himself in his healing journey by assuming that this need is normal and biological (his words). He does have some sort of goal to increase the amount of days by using self discipline, but it seems that he believes it’s a biological need for men and specifically for himself because he feels too much physical and mental discomfort when he pushes it off. He has not masturbated in around 8-10 months (other than 1-2 slips, and a recent relapse) but we have created a plan where he has the option of masturbating after 7 days of no sex if he feels he “needs” it. My question is—does this sound like something that is limiting the recovery process or is each person an individual case and this plan can be something that is helpful for him and helpful for me to feel full control of my own body, while he does his own recovery work? Mark & Steve directly address this couple's situation and this betrayed partner's questions. They discuss the critical importance of the addict taking charge of the healthy wiring and management of his brain's "pleasure/reward system" and how this impacts his recovery. They address the "need" for sex vs. a healthy balance in a WHOLE relationship. They speak raw and real about "his side of the street" and what he is response-able and account-able for in this situation. They also speak directly to what this betrayed partner needs for her own "body sovereignty" and for a path of true healing. In addition, they speak to what is needed to make consistent deposits to the relationship trust account and what true "holistic intimacy" looks like vs. a narrow focus on physical sex. Also discussed are healthy sexual boundaries and what it means for an addict in recovery to evolve, mature and transform. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode 246, we explore the concept of interdependence in the context of recovery from betrayal trauma and porn addiction. Interdependence, often mentioned but not always fully understood, is a critical aspect of healing and moving forward in a relationship after the discovery of a partner’s addiction. Many betrayed spouses struggle with defining what interdependence looks and feels like, particularly as they navigate the complexities of their partner's ongoing recovery and behavior. Today, we’ll dive into what interdependence truly means and how it manifests in real-world scenarios, especially for those who have been deeply impacted by their spouse’s actions. Our discussion centers around the journey of a betrayed spouse who has been married for over two decades and is actively working on her own recovery after discovering her husband’s sexual addiction. She shares her experience of wrestling with the pain of watching her husband’s behavior, such as scanning or getting captivated by other women, and how it feels intensely personal, even though she intellectually knows it’s not about her. This inner conflict highlights the struggle many face in separating their spouse’s actions from their self-worth, and how exhausting it can be to maintain a healthy mindset amidst these triggers. We’ll also examine how interdependence can evolve over time, contrasting the early stages of recovery with later phases where individuals may experience greater emotional resilience and independence. The question is raised about whether, over time, triggers like a partner’s inappropriate behavior still impact those who are further along in their recovery. This conversation is not just about reframing mindsets but also about understanding how personal growth and healing can empower individuals, regardless of the outcome of their marriage. Join us as we unpack these challenging dynamics and provide insight into what interdependence can look like in healthy, recovering relationships. Visit www.daretoconnectnow.com

In Episode 245, Mark & Steve respond to an all–too–common, legitimate struggle faced by the betrayed partners of sex/porn addicts. Here's a submission from a partner— My husband is starting a new position within his company where he will be working very closely with this woman. She is highly attractive, and the only female in the male dominated company they work in. He has admitted a few times that “_______” is beautiful, smart and is going to go far in the company. While I have never been concerned he’s going to cheat on me, with her or anyone else, I have a lot of mixed feelings about them working so close together. I’m scared that he is fantasizing about her, masturbating to her and lying to me about it. Like he has lied to me about everything else so far. I asked him bluntly and he laughed at me and told me that “he only has eyes for me—obviously, we’re married!” He has some pretty obvious “tells” when he is lying and I’m almost certain he is in this case. How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships? For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 244, Mark & Steve address the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict who submitted the following to PBSE— As a partner of an addict, what can I do to help my partner feel more supported during his recovery, so that he may feel more comfortable telling me the truth??? Time and time again, I have caught him in lies or omissions and it’s eating away at the trust in our relationship. Most recently, we engaged in physical intimacy and I could tell IMMEDIATELY that he had been looking at porn that day. I can’t explain it- I just knew. I felt used, like my body was simply a means to an end for him, like a masturbation device. So I asked my partner if he’d been hiding anything from me, and he came clean that he did in fact have some slips over the weekend. I have since made it clear, respectfully, that I do not wish to engage in intercourse while information about his sexual proclivities is being withheld from me. The main issue here is that during previous conversations, he has agreed to PROACTIVELY come to me when these slips happen so that I don’t have to play detective anymore… but he has never followed through with that agreement, and he continues to wait around until I ask the perfect question. After this incident, my partner told me that he doesn’t feel like he can come to me because I get really quiet when he talks about his slips and therefore I do not make him feel supported enough. If you have any suggestions or words of wisdom to share, I would greatly appreciate it so much. For Her: For Him: An addict in sincere recovery will be making progressive efforts to: For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/is-it-my-responsibility-to-make-my-porn-addicted-partner-feel-comfortable-so-he-will-consistently-te

In Episode 243, Mark & Steve address a very important issue submitted to PBSE by a listener who is the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. This question especially resonated with Mark as he himself, along with a number of his children and many of his extended family, have suffered with the challenges of mental illness and related diagnosed issues like ADHD. Here's the submission by a PBSE listener— My husband and I have been friends for close to 20 years, in a relationship for 7 years, and married for 3. He has been addicted to pornography for most of his life, close to 40 years. I started to suspect something a couple weeks before we got married, and he finally confessed his addiction about 6 months later. We now both have CSATs that work together as a team and we have been seeing them for about 18 months. My husband has been doing fairly well, or so I thought, but I have just found out he has been in a relapse for a couple of months. I am of course hurt and angry that he would go back down this road after all the work, time, and money that has been invested in his recovery. He very much wants to get back on track, but feels that I need to take a much larger role in his recovery. I should mention that my husband is diagnosed with ADHD. For this reason alone, he feels he needs me to essentially manage his recovery. If he has homework, sit down and do it with him. Set up our weekly check ins and give him reminders about them. Follow up that he has made therapy appointments, continually check in with him that he is not using porn etc. I do not want to have to manage all this for him. He feels that If I truly care and support him, I will understand that because of his ADHD, this is what he needs in order to be successful. I do know that it is not the wife’s place to do this typically. Is there ever a time, for instance when ADHD is present, that this could be a healthy, successful approach to both partners' recovery. Thank you so much. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this

In this PBSE episode (#242), Mark & Steve respond to an incredibly vulnerable, painful submission by a PBSE listener. Her submission starts out with— I was happy to have found your podcast after my partner’s reluctant disclosure last month. After experiencing what can only be described as one of the most intensely painful experiences of my life, I navigated my way to one of your episodes about betrayal trauma and it immediately eased my mind and provided me a much-needed sense of validation. I really thought my full mind and body breakdown was an unwarranted overreaction. A little bit of context before I ask my question . . . She then describes how she was married for 8 years to an extremely abusive man who was addicted to drugs, alcohol and pornography. She finally had to end that relationship to protect herself and her children from further abuse and ongoing danger. Afters a number of years, she was courageous enough to "try again" and shares that she has been in a new relationship for the past 4 years with someone who has helped her understand what love truly is for the first time. He has been steadfast, reliable, kind and patient. From the outset, she made her stand on porn clear—that it has no place in a healthy relationship. He said that he had used it prior to their relationship, but had no need for it anymore. Then comes the bombshell that rocked her world! Here's how she describes it— After returning from a three-day work conference last month, I sensed that he was less than eager to reconnect with me. I just had this intuitive, crushing feeling, so I asked him point blank if he had used pornography while I was away. He confessed, but very minimally, and he may have said more but I broke. Absolutely broke. I was flooded with despair. Not even a month after our marriage, I was faced with the terrible realization that I had made another huge mistake. That this was a complete stranger who had lied by omission countless times, and that I was once again in the position of being the “not good enough” wife. Despite his good intent and compassion, I wrestle with these and many more tormenting thoughts daily. I feel like life has pretty much stayed the same for him, while my whole world has been ripped apart. My question is this - he said that he has never liked this “need” within him, and that I could never understand because I am not a man. If this “need” is in every man, is there even a point in any woman EVER expecting their partner to be 100% faithful to them, spiritually, mentally, and physically? If my husband, an upstanding, moral, and loving individual, could betray me in this way and then chalk it up to the “essence” of man, then it doesn’t leave me with much (in fact, ANY) hope that I will ever be worth fidelity from him or anyone else. I would truly rather be on my own than deal with the incessant and intrusive thought that he will be forever seeking sexual gratification outside of our union. Your words and wisdom would be truly appreciated. Sincerely, One jaded, exhausted, and heartbroken wife. In this episode, Mark & Steve speak from the heart to this blindsided and deeply betrayed partner. They help her understand her completely legitimate trauma and the flood of emotions she is experiencing. They talk about "his side of the street" with regard to her addict partner and what he can do going forward IF this relationship is to be saved. They also offer some insights and guidance to this betrayed partner and speak specifically to HOW she can STEP INTO HER POWER moving forward! For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/men-will-just-be-men-live-with-it-really

In Episode 241, Mark & Steve respond to a porn/sex addict in recovery who is facing an extremely difficult situation with his betrayed partner. Here's what he submitted through the PBSE contact form— Hey, my wife is one of the .01% of wives who expects me to be absolutely perfect. I don’t know what to do? I’ve been focusing on being serene. Learning from every mistake I make. I’m 16 ish months sober. And in full recovery. Each step of the way, I’m reminded how I’m a screw up. That the score will never be even because I betrayed her, I took away her dreams, and because I’m an addict, I will never be the man she wants. Ever. That she is staying with me solely because she doesn’t want to miss time with our young son. Who we both love. She says I trapped her and she can’t leave and that she plans to stay until our son turns 18. Then leave and find a better man and have a new family. That her life is on pause until then. That I deserve to burn in hell for what I’ve done. I validate her pain. I do make mistakes and objectify her every so often and imply that I do find her “sexy” and I recognize my reasons of how my head got there and I work on those defects. I’m able to work through my shame in these moments and stay present and hear her pain. I just am at a loss of how to support her further. I feel I’m at loss and I’m committed to her. She is my only option and I love her. I never want to go back to life without recovery. I love my life and love the healing I’ve accomplished. I just don’t know how to help support her to get here as well so she can enjoy life again. In this episode, Mark & Steve address this difficult and delicate situation: For a full transcript/article of this podcast, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/how-can-i-support-my-partner-who-i-betrayed-so-she-can-enjoy-life-again

In Episode 240, Mark and Steve address an important issue submitted by a male betrayed partner. Here's his submission— How do male betrayed partners process betrayal trauma differently than women? What are the difficulties male partners have when trying to heal the relationship with their betrayer? Are there any differences in recovery and repair between male betrayed/female sex addict vs female betrayed/male sex addict? I have been attending 12 steps for codependents for sex addicts, and have only met one other man in my situation. Also, struggling to find any literature or resources on this topic. Betrayal Trauma Defined: the emotional, financial and relational “bottom falling out” Many of the differences between the healing tracks for men and women lies in the cultural differences present, which stem from: Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services