True You!

Greg Kovacs speaks with Donnell McCloud, CEO of Long Run Clothing in Utica, NY. Donnell explains how his own perseverance through adversity informs the Long Run mission to produce high quality clothing with high attention to detail. Donnell explains why he wants his clothing line to inspire others to never give up or give in. Click the button below to visit Long Run Clothing at SHOP | Long Run Ent (longrunclothing.com) https://youtu.be/lGH1ASl56xg Donnell McCloud, CEO, Undaunted Ambition, and Long Run Clothing

Conspiracy Theories: Definition and Perspectives Evolutionary, Psychological, and Social Functions of Conspiracy Theories Demographics of Believers Costs and Benefits of Conspiracy Beliefs Effective Communication with Diverse Thinkers The dollar bill has been a focus of conspiracy theories for generations

With political polarization at an all-time high, it is important that we develop a willingness and ability to have conversations with those who think differently than we do. Greg spoke with Dr. Tania Israel, who is a Professor in the Department of Counseling, Clinical, and School Psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara. Dr. Israel teaches about helping skills, leadership, and community collaboration and has facilitated educational programs and difficult dialogues about a range of topics, including abortion, law enforcement, religion, and sexual orientation. Beyond Your Bubble She wrote a book called, Beyond Your Bubble: How to Connect Across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work (APA, 2020) grew out of Dr. Israel’s skill-building workshop that she developed and delivered to hundreds of participants following the 2016 election. Dr. Israel’s honors include 2019 Congressional Woman of the Year (CA 24th District), Asian and Pacific Islander Heritage Award for Excellence in Mental Health from the California Asian & Pacific Islander Legislative Caucus, and Emerging Leader Award from the APA Committee on Women in Psychology.

Gaylemarie’s story is one that unfolded rather quickly and required her to rapidly adapt and cope. There is a lot of research out there on the power of social support in helping us through the most challenging times. Unfortunately, Gaylemarie was not able to reach out to her family for support. She felt that her struggles would not be accepted by her family and that by revealing her struggles at the wrong time would make things more challenging for her. Instead, she found support in the partner that she feared her family would reject. Not only did she rely on support from someone that she was only beginning to get to know, but she also relied on them during a time when she was questioning some of the most fundamental aspects of herself—and she did this after relocating halfway across the country! My discussion with Gaylemarie starts off with a description of her early family life, which helps to inform the struggle, the courage, and the strength that she has shown as she persevered through the current stage of her life. The last half of our discussion takes a turn that reveals strength, courage, and perseverance. Gaylemarie’s story is one that would likely not be told if she had not asked to tell it on True You! Stories like Gaylemarie's are why True You! exists, and I am so glad she wanted to tell it!

Communication problems are a top concern for couples in my couples therapy practice at Upstate Marriage and Family Therapy, PLLC. Based in cognitive behavioral theory, one question can help couples avoid communication impasses and emotional reactivity.

In over 22 years as a therapist, I have seen people fall apart then find the strength to put it all back together again. I have heard stories of people who refused to give up, who found ways to adapt, and who chose to not let events from the past or present influence the way they wanted to experience the world today. Through my work I have the opportunity to help people rewrite their stories. But despite their power to inspire, stories from the therapy room are confidential. So, I created True You! where people can share their stories. Because we know that when other people listen to stories of courage, strength, and perseverance, those people can become inspired to change their own narratives. Madalyn's Story But when my own daughter, who is now 12, began to experience symptoms of anxiety at a young age, I never imagined that, 6 years later, she would be sharing her story on True You! I also never imagined that my daughter would WANT to tell her story. Well, it has taken 6 months of her persistence to convince me that her motivation to tell her story was not the fun of sitting in front of a microphone or of hearing her own voice. She was not dissuaded by worry that other kids might listen to her story and give her a hard time. That was my worry, to be honest; I will always be a protective dad. Madalyn wanted to tell her story not only because her story might help other kids. She wanted to tell her story because this kid earned her story. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Madalyn was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) at the age of 10. That means that she was experiencing symptoms for a long time before that. At age 7 or 8, or even younger, she was experiencing repetitive, unwanted thoughts that a 5-, 6-, or 7-year-old would be unable to understand. Even more, kids at that age have little innate ability to communicate what they may not realize is problematic. Instead, they often express fear, anger, reactivity, and defiance. Madalyn, and our family, all experienced those emotions. And despite most of my early career working as a therapist for kids with challenging emotions. I could not see outside of my own box to get a grip on what was happening with my own daughter. In 2018 Madalyn's symptoms of OCD were really taking control. She hid them well! Eventually, we caught on. We found the right providers, at the right time, and Madalyn was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You can listen to my prior interview on True You! with Dr. Elizabeth McIngvale, who is an OCD specialist who was diagnosed with OCD around the same age as Madalyn. Exposure with Response Prevention In January of 2000 we flew down to Tampa Florida after enrolling Madalyn in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), which is a 6 hour-a-day program, 5 days a week, for 6-8 weeks. They offered Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP), which is the gold standard treatment for OCD. Madalyn talks about Roger’s Behavioral Health in her story, but we really cannot describe how essential that treatment was for Madalyn, and for us as a family. While Madalyn resisted for several weeks, eventually she dug in. She pulled as much out of that program as she possibly could. Her therapist, Sara, became Madalyn’s worst nightmare; after all, ERP required her to confront deep-seated fears. And Sara also was also an excellent therapist and one of Madalyn's greatest assets in helping her develop the tools that she needed to manage some tough thoughts and behaviors. Madalyn found strength and courage at Rogers that I just do not think she would have found anywhere else--that is how it felt, anyway. Since leaving Florida Madalyn has made a 180-degree turn. She still gets stuck in repetitive thoughts. She still struggles at times to quell the thoughts that get in the way of attending school. OCD is something she was born with and is never going away. And Madalyn knows that. But she pushes herself through every challenging obsession and com...

Loyalty to Donald Trump: Is there a need to feel safer in a world of unpredictability and difference? Loyalty is an instinct, evolved in humans over thousands of years, that draws people together through the safety of sameness. Anxiety has evolved to “fight or flight” against anything that threatens that sense of predictability and safety. Technology Has Made Our World Smaller Over the past twenty years technology has brought us social media, cell phones, global transportation, and constant access to negative news stories. We now have daily exposure to cultural and ethnic diversity. We experience a daily flood of opinion and constant challenge to our values and beliefs. And when COVID-19 struck the United States in early 2020, fear and unpredictability increased furiously, resulting in emotional reactivity and detrimental social isolation. And when we can’t predict or understand something, we develop anxiety and fear, which fuels protective behavior. While exposure to diversity offers vibrant challenges to stuck ways of thinking, those continual challenges to our values and beliefs can contribute to confusion, anxiety, and fear. I think of the television show from the 1970’s, Little House on the Prairie, which is about how shared values and beliefs help to establish a loyal community offering the safety of sameness. Like a child’s love of a cardboard box fort, people seek safety, predictability, and controllability. Like a child’s love of a cardboard box fort, people seek safety, predictability, and controllability What is Loyalty? Does it make me feel safer? Does it make my life easier? Does it make my life better? According to James Kane, these three signals tell us to begin the process of developing loyalty to another person, community, product, or political orientation. He suggests that when those signals are affirmed, we move into the process of establishing a loyalty, which consists of three essential elements: trust, belonging, and purpose. Trust Trust can develop when someone else’s standards of competency align with our own. Mr. Kane explains that their competency needs to meet our standards before we can trust them, even if our standards are unreasonable. He states that the same holds true for their character (are they fair, moral, and ethical), their capacity to deliver what they promised, and their consistency of delivering that promise. Mr. Kane noted that when we feel unsafe or threatened, we tend to trust subjects of loyalty rather the experts to whom we have less loyalty. Was this dynamic playing out when groups of Americans failed to heed the warnings of Dr. Fauci, the Chief Medical Advisor to the President, amidst the COVID-19 crisis? My guest notes that in the process of developing trust, individuals must know the standards of their potential followers and must appeal to those standards. This speaks to the second element in the development of loyalty: Belonging Belonging Do followers of Donald Trump feel a sense of belonging in their community? To establish this sense of belonging it is essential that Donald Trump show that he has insight into the hopes and dreams of his potential followers. He needs to be sure that he makes them feel included, wanted, appreciated, and valuable. His followers want to be able to identify with him and for him to be someone to whom they can aspire and relate. This is an important piece in the process of developing loyalty to Donald Trump. His followers may be seeking solidarity. Are people experiencing fear and unease because of increasing differences in American values? Is that difference driving people to seek out individuals, communities, and movements that will help them return to a place of safety and predictability? In my opinion, Donald Trump and his fellowship is a manifestation of fear that comes from challenges to American morals, values, and beliefs. Mr. Kane notes, When a large group shares a common purpose the glue that ho...

Male infertility and its treatment are breeding ground for complex emotions and challenging relationship dynamics. One-third of infertility cases are caused by male reproductive problems that include low sperm production, abnormal sperm function, or blockages that prevent the delivery of sperm. Illnesses, injuries, chronic health problems, lifestyle choices, and other factors may contribute to male infertility (Mayo Clinic). Male infertility can lead to feelings of anger, shame, resentment, confusion, and persistent relationship conflict. And while the thought of invasive procedures can be a cringeworthy topic for many men, fertility problems in men are often treatable once the cause of infertility is discovered. And though infertility treatment requires patience and perseverance, this True Story! shows that the outcome can be worth every bit of effort! Infertility treatment requires patience and perseverance Steve Bolander, Founder of Bolander Fertility Coaching in Utica, New York, shares his story of anger, depression, and self-blame that challenged his marriage, his quality of life, and his sense of self-worth. But following four years of in vitro fertilization, a biopsy, several testicular extraction procedures, and a strict Keto diet, Steve and his wife gave birth to a healthy son in 2019. The stigma surrounding male infertility causes many men to shy away from conversations and to avoid seeking treatment. But, Steve realized that his story of male infertility could help other men and couples to manage the emotional and relational difficulty in their own journey toward parenthood. Through Bolander Fertility Coaching, Steve helps couples to stay on track to a healthy lifestyle and to navigate the trials and tribulations of infertility and of starting a new family. Learn more about Steve Bolander and Bolander Fertility Coaching on Facebook and LinkedIn. Be sure to check out more True Stories! of courage, strength, and perseverance that feed the mind, inspire growth, and encourage transformation.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) was first acknowledged in the mid-1980s and affects between 2% and 10% of Americans every year. Nearly three-fourths of those affected by SAD are women SAD is thought to be caused by problematic circadian rhythms and imbalances in hormones and neurotransmitters, including serotonin and melatonin, and can result in annually persistent and potentially debilitating symptoms Symptoms of SAD Hypersomnia Fatigue Increase appetite and weight gain Difficulty waking in the morning Feeling depressed or sad much of the day Loss of interest Sluggishness Feelings of hopeless/worthlessness Circadian Rhythms The body has a master circadian clock that resides in the suprachiasmatic nucleus (SCM)within the hypothalamus and coordinates rhythms throughout the brain and other systems of the body. The SCM is stays in tune with what’s happening outside the body by tracking light cues through the retina. So circadian rhythms are generated by feedback loops that cycle every 24 hours maintaining the balance of hormones and systems in the body. The brain uses 20% of the energy for the entire body, so it needs to do so in an efficient manner. And circadian rhythms in the brain are incredibly important for maximizing energy efficiency and health of the neurons. When we’re awake, neurons are constantly firing in response to stimuli. And all of that activity creates the buildup of something called reactive oxygen species (ROS) and other by-products. And during sleep, antioxidants remove excess ROS and other byproducts. Disruptions to the timing and duration of sleep and wake will disrupt these processes. In fact, a recent study found that even one night of sleep deprivation can result in an accumulation amyloid-beta (one of the proteins that accumulates in the brain in Alzheimer’s disease). So, efficient brain function depends on consistent sleep-wake timing. Patients suffering from SAD often present with a phase-delayed circadian system, meaning that they fall asleep too late in the evening and awaken too early. This alters the body's natural rhythm of hormone secretion affecting mood and energy levels. If patients with winter depression have phase delayed circadian rhythms then adjusting the sleep phase should help regulate the circadian rhythm and improve mood and brain function. Treatment Light Therapy: One to two hours of 10,000 LUX light every morning may cause a corrective phase advance. However, it is important to speak with a specialist who can help you understand the best timing and intensity of light therapy. Side effects include mild visual complaints, nausea, dizziness, headaches, tired eyes, agitation, sleep disturbance, and sometimes hypomania. Melatonin: Research has shown mixed results for the effectiveness of melatonin in helping to correct imbalances in circadian rythm Bupropion (i.e., Wellbutrin XR): Research has suggested that Bupropion may help relieve the symptoms of SAD in some patients Supplements such as St. John's Wort, Kava, Ginko Biloba, and Tryptophan have not been extensively studied for treatment of SAD, though some individuals have reported positive results for the treatment of SAD. Ketchesin, K. D., Becker‐Krail, D., & Mcclung, C. A. (2018). Mood‐related central and peripheral clocks. European Journal of Neuroscience, 51(1), 326-345. doi:10.1111/ejn.14253 Øverland, S., Woicik, W., Sikora, L., Whittaker, K., Heli, H., Skjelkvåle, F. S., . . . Colman, I. (2019). Seasonality and symptoms of depression: A systematic review of the literature. Epidemiology and Psychiatric Sciences, 29. doi:10.1017/s2045796019000209 Zghoul, T. (2020). Can we prevent seasonal affective disorder (SAD) with melatonergic agents? BJPsych Advances, 26(4), 193-197. doi:10.1192/bja.2020.25

Dr. McIngvale’s story really is quite remarkable. She was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at the age of 12, and doctors initially believed that her symptoms were too severe to be treated. Her rituals included severe repetition of tasks, obsessions with religious symbolism, and washing her hands over 100 times a day. She engaged in a treatment for OCD called Exposure with Response Prevention and at age 18 became the national spokesperson for the International OCD Foundation. She now successfully manages her symptoms of OCD and has turned her struggles into opportunities for others. My story should not be the exception; my story should be the norm. Everybody living with a mental health condition should have the ability and the opportunity to get appropriate treatment and to learn to manage their illness. Dr. Elizabeth McIngvale Dr. McIngvale operates ocdchallenge.com, a free self-help website for OCD which is available in 6 languages and serves nearly 4,000 individuals. She is the Director of McLean OCD Institute at Houston and is a renowned speaker on both the local and national level, speaking on behalf of OCD, mental illness, and mental health stigma. She has received numerous awards for her advocacy and impact on the mental health field and is internationally recognized for her clinical work and advancements in the OCD field. In my interview with Dr. McIngvale, she talks about managing ongoing symptoms of OCD, her experience with Exposure with Response Prevention treatment, and her ongoing clinical, academic, and advocacy work in the field of OCD.

Zach Schleien is the co-founder of the video speed dating app, Filter Off. Filter Off has been featured in publications such as The New York Times, BBC, and ABC. Prior to Filter Off, he ran and sold the dating blog Top Romp, which covered dating hacks and apps for the millennial dater. His passions lie in technology, health, and creating authentic connections.

Fish stories are like opinions. Everybody’s got one. The difference is, people actually enjoy a good fish story. In his first book, Mark Usyk sets out to prove that he not only has a couple, but that he knows how to tell them as well. But are they really all fish stories? Or is he trying to unlock the mysteries of the universe as only an angler can? From his time as a cell tower climber with a bunch of fly rods packed alongside his climbing gear, to his days spent at a grungy and thankless production factory job indoors and all but cut off from the great outdoors, to memories of simpler days and the ones that got away, here are 61 short stories told by a self-proclaimed marginal fly fisherman. Whether they’re about fishing or something more is up to you to decide. From Reflections of a Fly Rod, by Mark Usyk I met today with Mark Usyk, author of Reflections of a Fly Rod and Carp are Jerks and blogger at Streamer Junkie. Using flyfishing and storytelling as his medium, Mark has embarked on a journey toward his truest self like few others can. The Author Reflections of a Fly Rod Carp are Jerks Environmentalist Trout Power Blogger Streamer Junkie Dreamer

The world seems to be spinning out of control. Social distancing, holidays without family, and an uncertain political climate make it seem like our psychological moorings are unraveling. In today’s episode of True You!, I speak with Dr. Mike Griffin about the challenges of COVID-19 and political stress on our emotional health. Fear, unpredictability, and perceptions of lost social relationships appear to be the culprits. Fear When COVID-19 crossed continents reaching pandemic proportions in April 2020, our curiosity quickly turned to fear and anxiety. Since the function of fear is to prepare the body for potential threats, it is no surprise that rates of fear and anxiety increased by 20% in some parts of the world over the summer. Fear and anxiety can sometimes be a good thing, but when they become persistent and overwhelming, it often leads to chronic psychiatric disorders including post-traumatic stress, phobias, chronic anxiety, and depression. Unpredictability A perceived lack of predictability is associated with increases in fear and anxiety. Earlier this year and almost all of a sudden, everything seemed to become unpredictable. To compensate, we tried educating ourselves on how to identify, avoid, and treat symptoms of COVID-19, only to discover many conflicting opinions from people we have been taught to trust. Compounded by the uncertainty of the 2020 presidential election, our sense of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety became a significant and overwhelming part of our lives. Loneliness Researchers have identified a common fear response called tend-and-befriend. In times of national or personal crisis, social support has proven very important. For example, following Hurricane Katrina, social support played a crucial role in mental health recovery as well as building resilience to the crisis. Interestingly, the research to date has not shown any significant increases in loneliness. Social media has enabled new and powerful ways of maintaining essential social connections, especially now in a world gripped with a pandemic. With advances in social media, coupled with video chat apps like Facetime, Zoom, and Skype we have been able to adapt to new ways of maintaining social connection. Remaining at risk for decreased social support are those who do not have access to such technology, including the elderly and the financially disadvantaged. Putting the Pieces Together When our thinking is clear and rational we hold power over our emotions Cognitive science tells us that our perceptions contribute to neurochemical reactions in the body that we experience as emotions. It is critical that the information we use to understand COVID-19 or political stressors be as clear, understandable, and rational as possible so that we can predict the steps needed to keep ourselves safe. We should avoid sources of information that do not offer evidence-based and trusted information. With healthy thinking, you’ll have healthy emotions. In these times of uncertainty, unpredictability, and unprecedented societal flux, we must use our available resources to support ourselves and each other. We must be sure to maintain social connections, consume information with a discerning, rational mind, and seek counseling if needed. Mental health counselors are trained to identify problematic thinking and will help you think differently about the world around you. Referenced Resources: Tulane University Self-Care Tips American Psychological Association COVID-19 Free Resources

I spoke with Jim Brule’. Jim is a Maggid, which is a traditional storyteller who tells stories of healing, hope, and transformation. But, I first want to talk a bit about storytelling. None of us are strangers to the practice of hearing and telling stories; we’ve been hearing stories since the day we were born and often even before that. We all love to listen to a story told by a good storyteller. For me, it wasn’t until graduate school that I realized how powerfully stories can define us, and how we can allow stories to change the way we understand the world around us. “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” Patrick Rothfuss, author In fact, when we tell stories to our kids we are contributing to the development of their morals; we are sculpting their values into something that resembles the way our own parents sculpted ours. Just re-read some of the fairy tales that we listened to and read as kids. Read some of the Brothers Grimm fairy tales and you should be able to see how those works may have contributed to the German national identity. Or read Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” or even watch some of our modern fairy tales, like Frozen and Moana. These stories instill values and morals into our kids, and into us, parents, as we tell them. You can very easily find themes of gender equality, gay rights, and warnings about having too much political power. Politics And the stories we tell our kids often align with the beliefs and values underlying our political ideologies. Psycholinguist George Lakoff writes about the ways in which our current political leaders have become skilled at weaving the language of liberal and conservative worldviews into their public discourse, and how that language becomes so deeply engrained into the teller and the listener that the transmission of political values has become an art form. In fact, it is impossible to have a transformative discussion with someone on the opposite political spectrum unless you understand the etiology, the silent meanings, of the words used by your opponent-storyteller. The only way we are going to win an argument with our political opposite is to use their own language, which carries generations of secret meaning meant to silently deliver deeply held beliefs, values, and morals. In fact, the power of stories to inform complex systems of thought is reflected in the fact that at a meeting in 2019 of the Annual Society of Neuroscience they held a minisymposia devoted to the topic of storytelling. Neurology I don’t want to make this too much about neuroscience (although Jim will speak briefly about this), and I certainly don’t want to make this about politics. But it reminds me why I love the art of storytelling. A good story affects us cognitively, neurochemically, and emotionally; it affects our values and morTine these ideas in action. And stories serve as hosts in the transmission of those values and morals to our children and to future generations. Today’s Guest: Jim Brule’ Jim Brule’ is a Maggid, which is a traditional Jewish narrator of transformational stories. He is a teller of stories that inspire growth and change in the listener. Jim is also a Clinical Psychologist by trade and is actively training others to become transformational storytellers. Head over to TransformationalStorytelling.org to learn more about Jim’s work as a Transformational Storyteller. Here’s my discussion with Jim Brule’. And stick around until the end of our discussion when Jim offers a story of transformation and hope.

Think about the last time you interacted with your spouse or partner. Did you think about how events in your partner’s day affected their current emotions? Were you able to acknowledge and understand their emotional state, and then use your own emotions to sooth them? Or did you stay inside of yourself, unable to use emotional expression to sooth your partner? In every interaction with our partner, and in every other social interaction, we have an opportunity to engage in one of the simplest and most powerful forms of relationship enhancement: Emotional Attunement. Remember Plasma Balls? When you touch the orb, the purple or blue bolts of electricity pull away from the center and gather at the tip of your finger. Emotional Attunement is like a Plasma Ball. Your partner’s emotional orb would be boring and unfulfilled if left sitting on a shelf, untouched. Instead, they need us to place our emotional fingers on the orb and connect with their emotions; to pull their emotions toward us, and ours toward them. When we can do that, we are practicing Emotional Attunement. Emotional Attunement is an essential relationship skill in which we recognize, understand, and engage with our partner’s emotional state. And research on relationship health consistently finds that when we fail to remain emotionally attuned to our partners our relationships experience a loss of trust, resentment, and eventual breakdown. WHAT CAUSES LACK OF EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT? Attachment During Infancy Emotional Attunement is an essential skill that we learn as infants. When our primary caregiver consistently recognizes, understands, and meets the needs expressed by our emotional state, we begin to develop a belief, that persists into adulthood, that emotional expression is a good thing; it helps those around us to better understand and meet our needs. However, if something gets in the way of our primary giver’s ability to consistently respond to our emotions, due alcoholism, severe depression or anxiety, excessive work stress, or even marital distress, then we develop a persistent belief that our emotions have no value; that we should not express them because they are likely to fall on deaf ears. To make this more challenging, it is often the case that when a primary caregiver is unable to respond appropriately to their infant’s emotional messaging, they are more likely to value their children for their ability to sooth the parent’s emotional state. When that happens, those infants develop a persisting worldview that their emotional needs are not important and that there is no value in emotional expression. Instead, they believe that their job in life is to say and do whatever is needed to keep important people close to them. They learn that their worth is only to give to others. They learn to give away compliments, emotions, and physical energy in an emotionless, inauthentic, and draining effort to sustain the relationship. Or they give nothing, instead waiting for a mother figure to meet their emotional and physical needs (i.e., “I’m your wife, not your mother!”). Those with insecure attachment styles as a result of misattunement often first consider a partner’s behavior in terms of what it means for them, their needs, and the overall security in the relationship. Life Stressors Even those who experienced attuned caregiving during infancy can develop problems with attunement as adults. As above, things like alcoholism, being overworked, having severe anxiety, depression, or other forms of mental illness can affect one’s ability to develop or sustain emotionally healthy behaviors. When the stressor is removed or resolved, the individual will often again engage in emotional attunement behaviors. Individuals who are unable to engage in Emotional Attunement will display one or more of the following behaviors: Will become codependent by putting the needs of others first to gain their approval or love Rarely express emotions and,

My next guest is all about authenticity. One interesting thing about authentic people is that you can identify them quickly. They have an energy that makes others want to be around them; they’re like magnets. Without saying it, sometimes without even knowing it, we are all striving to become our most authentic selves. And the process of becoming our truest selves has been studied for decades. Erik Erikson was a developmental psychologist from the 1960s who put quite a lot of effort into understanding how we can stay true to ourselves in the face of so many outside factors that want to pull at us to be something different; that challenge us to remain true to our beliefs, our values and that want to distract us from our life goals. I often imagine our truest self to be a perfectly round ball made up of loose parts connected on the inside with rubber bands, so the parts can temporarily pull away from the core then fall back into place when whatever was pulling at it goes away. And the goal is to never let a part of that core self get pulled too far for too long by some outside force and to not let that sphere stay out of shape for any longer than we want it to be. And when we have full and total control of the shape of that sphere, we have reached the holy grail of authenticity; we have become our truest self. We usually experience our truest selves in kind of fleeting glimpses somewhere in adolescence. But most of us didn’t stay there for very long. Even as adults most of our spheres look like one of those plastic spherical puzzles that you take apart and have to put back together again. Except for some it never really gets put back together perfectly. That's because it’s hard to be our truest selves. And I would argue that it’s harder today than it ever was! One of my favorite shows growing up was Little House on the Prairie. I liked it for the same reason that kids love tree forts and big cardboard boxes: for the solace of being within a confined, controllable, and manageable space where nothing is pulling at us and where we can be our truest selves. The folks in that little house on the prairie were kind of isolated. Their families and close friends were their primary supports. They tended to hold a single job for a lifetime usually and their parents and grandparents usually did the same work. They met a fewer number of people each day, and those that they did meet likely held similar beliefs and values. It was safe; it was manageable. It was one socially confined cardboard box. But society today isn’t like that; we are progressing. We’re expanding. We now have text messaging, cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, and email. We travel huge distances physically and virtually. We change jobs. We change partners. We relocate more frequently. We meet sometimes hundreds of people each day, each with different perspectives, values, and opinions. While exposure to that kind of diversity offers vibrancy and healthy challenges to stuck ways of thinking and being, we need to remember that rapid and continual challenges to our values and beliefs can contribute to confusion and unpredictability and uncertainty, like an assault on our psychological moorings. This can cause that sphere of self to remain chronically out of shape. And when we feel constantly pulled apart from who and what we truly want to be, we feel it. And it’s not a good feeling. It seems no coincidence that rates of uncertainty and unpredictability have increased quite a lot in the past ten years. Ironically, in this age of social opportunity, our kids leave the house less frequently. In the past ten years, rates of volunteerism amongst adolescents has decreased. We’ve gone from kick-the-can, whiffle ball, and family mealtimes, to iPhones, Facebook Live, and Blog Posts. We download books, instead of going to the library which is one of our community’s social hubs! What we’re doing is seeking solitude in reaction to the social complexiti...

A few days ago, in a True You! Short Discussion, I talked about the fact that hitting and spanking our kids doesn’t work; it’s not supported by research in any situation or culture across the world. It doesn’t work. So, what does? Well, I said that I would talk a bit about how to use the Time Out to help manage our kids’ negative behaviors. Keep in mind that Time Outs are a part of a larger program of discipline and that there are many healthy approaches to child discipline. But Time Outs tend to work with most behavior management approaches. Parental Control First, I want to talk a bit about a topic that is an important part of my doctoral research and is something I’ve helped parents understand in over 20 years of work with parents who need solutions to their children’s behaviors. The topic is "control." Most parents are well-intentioned. We aren’t abusive or neglectful; rather, we want to very best for our kids. And sometimes we want the very best so much that we get too involved in our kid’s business. We start doing things for them that they are very capable of doing for themselves because we want to be sure that they succeed; we want to form a base on which they can thrive and eventually launch into adulthood. So we build a formidable launching pad for our kids, designed exactly to our very own specifications. Then we put huge walls around it, add three layers of offensive weaponry to keep out anything that we have deemed to be bad for them, then we plop them in the middle of this launching pad and tell them to thrive. I know this world is insane. As the father of a 12-year-old this world scares the hell out of me. I’m nervous about coordinating her launch into adulthood and it’s tempting to hover over her, making sure she does everything I think she should do to ensure her success. But when we overcontrol our kids, when we do everything we can do to minimize their discomfort and their failures; when we make sure they’re warm, that they don’t get their feet wet in the rain that they pass that big test, that they properly manage their friendships; when we use guilt or shame to redirect their behavior, when we hit or spank then, we are often satisfying our need to feel like we’re actively parenting our kids; that we are ensuring their success in this crazy world. When we impose our will on our kids, what we are really doing is removing our child’s sense of agency over their environment; we are removing their sense of control. We are taking away from them the opportunity to learn that there is a consequence for everything they do. Wouldn’t it be great if our 7-year-old would wake up in the morning, open up the door and feel the cool air, and think, “it’s cold outside today; it’s going to uncomfortable waiting for the school bus if I don’t wear a long sleeve shirt and put on a jacket?” Instead, what do many parents do? They say, “Good morning, it’s cold today; make sure you wear dress warm; that long sleeve shirt we bought the other day would be perfect for today!” Why do we think we have to inform them of this? It’s well-intentioned; but it prevents your child from using a skill that they are very capable of using; and in so doing, it gives them a powerful sense of pride; a sense of control of their environment. When our children make good decisions on their own it instills in them a sense of independence, confidence, and control. Independent problem solving is an essential skill that kids need to successfully launch into adulthood. I’m not suggesting that parents give up authority or relinquish their responsibilities as parents—there is a huge difference between being in control and being controlling. But what happens with many parents is that they recognize that if we let our kids make their own, developmentally appropriate decisions, that they will, at first, make decisions that result in their discomfort. We know that our kids will be cold at the bus stop. We suspect that they will fail a test.

Over the weekend I saw at least two memes on social media talking about spanking. The one that REALLY got me read, “my parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as ‘respect for others.’” This belief has two really big problems with it. One, it assumes that that spanking kids is a good thing. It also suggests that children who are spanked develop increased respect for others. I think these memes should be required to cite their sources—and no, I don’t mean “as believed by this faithful believer in Facebook memes!” What was just as interesting is that, when I searched for this meme on the web, I found the same one with thumbs up and thumbs down voting buttons. And this was as disturbing to me as the meme itself. For this meme there were 2379 thumbs up and 998 thumbs down. Of the 3,377 people who chose to vote on the sentiment, over 70%, said to themselves, “yep . . . for sure . . . kids need to be hit in order to whip ‘em into shape.” You’ve likely seen dozens of memes, social media posts, and direct statements from devout believers in spanking that the problem with kids today is that they just aren’t hit enough; they need to be hit to keep them in line! I know there are a lot of people out there who like to dismiss research—rather, it seems that there are people out there who like to pick and choose the research they believe in based upon their preferred habits, belief systems, and morals. So, in some ways I know that despite the huge, vast, amount of incredibly credible research that denounces any benefits of spanking kids there are going to be those that stand their ground, saying, “I don’t know . . . I was hit as a kid and I turned out great.” —maybe one of the benefits of spanking is that the kids will turn out being unable to distinguish between and subjective reality. So I thought I would talk a bit about the research that strongly points to spanking as entirely detrimental to kids—with no benefit whatsoever—at least no benefit that can’t be gained from other parenting approaches that DON’T have all of the negative consequences. Ok, so this is an important point . . . the reality is that any credible research out there supports the hypothesis that even if spanking can get parents the outcome they are looking for, it carries with it many enduring negative consequences to kids; and that it is very possible to get the same benefits—which really is compliance—we want our kids to comply with authority. But it is very possible that we parents can get our children to comply with authority using parenting approaches that actually add ADDITIONAL benefits with regard to our children’s emotional, psychological, and behavioral health. What is Spanking? Spanking is open-handed hitting that doesn’t physically harm the child and is done with the purpose of modifying the child’s behavior—and this has been done for many generations. But in the past 10 years or so, as the evidence has accumulated, you will find no major professional organizations, including the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics, supporting the practice of hitting our kids in order to change their behavior. In fact, I implore you to send me one convincing article from a peer-reviewed academic journal—kind of the gold standard in reporting research results—or one statement from a respected professional organization that supports the practice of spanking or hitting our kids. In fact, in one article from a journal called Child Development Perspectives in 2013, they found that spanking is actually associated with LESS compliance from our children and can actually cause our kids to become MORE aggressive than they were before. I would imagine that the person who posted the meme supporting a link between being hit and being respectful is saying right now, “maybe it’s just that aggressive kids are more likely to be hit.” But research simply disproves that; in fact,

I want to talk about my conversation with a remarkable person, Peggy Sweeney-McDonald. I met Peggy after joining a social networking group of podcasters. Peggy is an actress, producer, and author of a book called Meanwhile, Back at Café Du Monde…Life Stories about Food. Peggy is also the host of a podcast called Life in the A-Zone in which she shares her story of moving back to Baton Rouge Louisiana after 36 years when her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. My conversation with Peggy was filled with emotion, sincerity, and skillful storytelling. As I listened to her story I couldn’t help but think about the story behind the story. I became so curious about Peggy’s experience of telling her story, how she became skilled at storytelling, and how her story changed her in the telling. So I reached out to her and we had a conversation that was as rich as the story itself. Peggy is a passionate storyteller who skillfully weaves pauses, voice fluctuations, emotion, and humor to share a story that reveals a long family history of love, laughter, loss, and life in the A-Zone. But first . . . a related tangent about storytelling! There is so much happening in our world: from COVID, to politics, to so many lifestyle changes. To me, these changes are both unnerving and fascinating, especially around American politics. Here is something that is certain: our political beliefs are a reflection of our values and morals, and they are very often a reflection of how we were raised. Our politics are reflected in how we parent and how we care for others. So how we develop our political thinking is fascinating. And in many ways what is happening with politics is storytelling. Our political thinking represents an oral tradition that passes our values, morals, and beliefs to the next generation. And some politicians are simply very good at telling that story. Today’s episode is about storytelling . . . . not political stories; that’s not really a hill I want to professionally die on. Pueblo Storytellers In my office, I have a small collection of Pueblo storytellers. You may know what I’m referring to—most of them are pretty small, maybe a few inches, tall; they are handcrafted from clay with bright colors and they portray a figure that is sitting and usually holding kids or even animals on his or her lap; the figure can be pretty much anything, but are often a man or woman or any type of animal even. Pueblo Storytellers have a really distinctive, exaggerated open mouth that makes it really hard to deny that the figure represented in the art is telling a story with purpose; a story that’s important to them. Sometimes the kids even have open mouths, as if they are repeating the story they are being told. Storytelling is important in Native American culture. In fact, Native American people see their storytelling tradition as crucial in the preservation of the morals, values, traditions, and experiences of their culture. Storyteller pottery started in the 1960s by a woman named Helen Cordero, from Cochiti Pueblo, New Mexico. And since then well over 200 potters across 13 pueblos have created their versions of the storyteller figures, all with varying shapes and sizes. Some are represented as Santas, or owls, or Koshares, which are pueblo Indian clowns that represent ancestral spirits. The reason I have a fascination with Pueblo storytellers is that I have great respect for storytelling. Storytelling is something I’m not great at, but I know good storytelling when I hear it! A good story is hard to find and is something I don’t find in most Hollywood movies or even NY Times bestsellers. Too many of those stories are formulaic; they’re predictable. And most really don’t teach us much. What I love is a story that passes cultural values to future generations; that instills the principles, morals, and belief systems of a society. And storytelling is important in counseling because the stories we tell become a reality in some...

In this episode, I meet with Divorce Mediator, Max Markin, who helps me talk about the ins and outs of divorce mediation. Max is a professional family mediator and founder of Markin Mediation. He works with the Center for Mediation & Training in New York and the Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation in Scottsdale, AZ. Max offers sliding scale services, because he believes professional family mediation should be accessible to people of all incomes. Before earning his Master’s degree from Brooklyn College, Max received a BA from the University of Minnesota and later studied dispute resolution at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. He is a member of the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation, the Family & Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York, and is co-chair on the Academy of Professional Family Mediators conference committee.