Become A Calm Mama

Dr. Angele Close is back on the podcast! Today, we’re diving deeper into letting go of mom shame and how to build a new relationship within ourselves so we can release that guilt and stress and show up in a more loving, kind, open-hearted way. You’ll learn: Today’s episode is part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Angele Close. If you missed last week’s episode, be sure to go back and check it out here. You can also find links to my previous episodes on the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) at the end of the show notes. --------------------------------------- Dr. Angele uses the Internal Family Systems model in her therapy and coaching in order to help moms unburden themselves from trauma, guilt, stress, burnout, overwhelm, and that mental load that you're carrying in your head. She then teaches them how to relate to the stressors of parenting in a different way so that they can feel more joyful, calm, present, and able to actually enjoy the experience of raising kids. Turning Myths into Empowerment In last week’s episode, we talked a lot about the myths of motherhood, including the Good Mom myth. There is so much about mom culture in our society that is toxic. The messaging all around us is sending messages that we basically have to be Supermom, or else we’re failing. Dr. Angele says, “It’s oppressive. It’s life limiting…The liberation comes in the awareness of it.” When it comes to these myths, we have to ask ourselves, “What am I believing? What are the parts of me that have come to believe some of this stuff?” When you understand the answers to these questions, you can actually design your own experience of motherhood. It is an opportunity for awakening and empowerment. Dr. Angele says, “I think becoming a mother is a gateway for us to become our true, authentic self. That's the invitation. That's the true power.” Self Energy and Being Self-Led “Self” was conceptualized by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who created IFS. It’s that place inside yourself that is just you. He talks about an energy of being coherent and connected. Your body, heart, and mind are all in the same place. Dr. Angele thinks of it as our soul energy. She says, “It’s the energy within yourself which every human has. And it's not changed or tarnished by anything that you've been through or that's happened to you.” One example Dr. Angele shared was the image of the sky. Your Self energy is the sun, and your parts are the clouds. Even on a cloudy, overcast day, the sun is always there. Working with Your Parts - the Manager and the Firefighter Unfortunately, we’re not living fully in Self energy every day. That’s not realistic when we live in a complex world that often feels unsafe or stressful. That’s when our “parts” take the wheel. These other parts come in to help us navigate and cope and live in the real world. They’re a bit like our armor, our protection. When we can drop that armor and unburden our parts, we become more aware and conscious to choose our beliefs and energy. The Manager and the Firefighter are two of our Self-protective parts, and they come up a lot with moms. You might also discover parts that are a caregiver, critic, or coach. I’ve even named some of mine: iPad girl and Wild Child. Have a little fun with...

I’m so excited this week to introduce Dr. Angele Close on the podcast. We're talking all about motherhood, the myths of motherhood (including the “good mom” myth), and what it's like to be a mom in this modern world. In fact, we had so much to talk about that this week’s episode is only part 1! You’ll Learn: Dr. Angele and I talked a lot about the myth of being a “good” mother and the process of matrescence - the act of becoming and being a mom. We also got into how to release yourself from our society’s unrealistic standards of motherhood so that you can tap into your own internal wisdom and intuition. ----------------------------------- Meet Dr. Angele Close Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher. She is also a therapist in the Internal Family Systems model. She is about to release a new book called Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom. I cannot tell you how much I love this book, and I know you will too. Dr. Angele is also the mom of 3 teenagers and shares how, as they entered elementary age, parenting got really tough for her. Her oldest child is neurodiverse, and traditional ways of parenting just weren’t really working anymore. Everyone (including Dr. Angele) was having a lot of big feelings, and she found herself becoming really self–critical and hard on herself. Emotion-focused therapy, mindfulness, and meditation were her profession, but as a mom she felt like she was losing her mind. This led to seeking out help and support, learning about the concept of matrescence, and discovering the Internal Family Systems model. As she healed herself and gained some traction in her personal life, she quickly realized she needed to share it with other moms. What is Matrescence? The word “matrescence” was conceptualized by an anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s. She was interested in what happens to women when they become mothers. It turns out that mothers go through a significant, profound transformation of identity, similar to in adolescence. It changes every aspect of our lives - emotionally, physically, hormonally, spiritually, our roles, and our careers. Dr. Angele says, “Some people will say it's only the first few years of motherhood. That's not been my experience. To me, it’s lifelong. Our relationship to our children and our identity are forever tied.” These transformations can happen at different stages of motherhood. For me, one of those times was when my youngest started kindergarten. I’d lost myself in the previous 7 years of parenting, and I didn’t even know who I was or what I liked anymore. When you realize that you’re in a transition like that, it’s an opportunity to redefine yourself, your career, whatever it is that feels like it’s shifting. And whoever you become in that transition is okay. We don’t have to make ourselves wrong for any of it. The other piece that is acknowledged in matrescence is that through motherhood, anything we haven’t healed or dealt with from our own childhoods will get reactivated. Finally! A concept that lets us see motherhood as a process. To recognize that we’ve changed, and that’s okay. The “Good Mom” Myth Dr. Angele says that a key focus of her...

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of pre-regulation and how it can help with preventing meltdowns. Today, you’ll learn how to help your kid get calm (and stay calm) so you have less dysregulation and fewer tantrums. You’ll Learn: I hope you implement just one or two of these this week for yourself and for your kids. Then, tell me how it goes! --------------------------------------------- Understanding Meltdowns and Regulation In kids, dysregulation often looks like kicking, screaming, punching, yelling at you, saying really crazy things… aka a tantrum or meltdown. I like to call them Big Feeling Cycles. You can actually see that your child is sort of out of control. As a parent, the instinct is often to try to control that behavior. So maybe you raise your voice, make a threat, or try to bribe your kid in order to stop the behavior. But these don’t deal with the cause of the meltdown, because feelings drive behavior. Arguing or trying to “teach them a lesson” doesn’t help in these situations. It usually just creates more problems. When you trust that the grumpiness, complaining, or meltdown is temporary, it gives you some perspective. You’re able to allow for some of those feelings to be and have compassion. A helpful thought for you when your kid is in the midst of a Big Feeling Cycle is: Thoughts and feelings are like weather. They always pass. As your kid’s emotional coach, your goal is to help them get out of fight or flight (the sympathetic nervous system) and into rest and digest (the parasympathetic nervous system). Imagine this (or maybe it already happened in your house today)… Your kid is having a fit because they’re in a bad mood and they don’t want their chicken nuggets. Instead of arguing, you say, “Okay. Eat it or don’t eat it. We’ll figure it out.” And then all of a sudden, they start eating! What happened in that moment is that their nervous system came back online, and they’re better able to regulate. In-the-Moment Strategies for Calming Big Feelings If you want to go deeper and get the step-by-step process for these strategies, I’ve done individual podcasts episodes on most of them, so go back and listen! The Connection Tool is your best strategy to handle a Big Feeling Cycle. It has three parts: The 3 Rs of emotional regulation are also really helpful in getting back to calm. Intercepting or interrupting the Big Feeling Cycle with a small task or...

Today, I’ve invited Sara Hartley onto the podcast for a conversation about raising neurodivergent kids. I really appreciate the work Sara is putting out into the world, including her new book series called Purposefully Me that helps kids navigate big feelings, embrace their differences, build resilience, and discover their unique purpose through affirmations and storytelling. You’ll Learn: Sara and I are both moms of neurodivergent kids, so you’ll get lots of real life perspective and examples in this episode. We also talked about Sara’s ALIGN Parenting Method™, which helps you handle those challenging moments when your kid gets out of bounds and you need a reset. I know you’re going to love her! ---------------------------------------------------- Sara Lewis Hartley is a mom of two neurodivergent boys, a healthcare executive, and a certified ADHD & neurodiversity coach. Passionate about assisting families to choose connection over perfection, she inspires parents to approach challenges with compassion, confidence, and a strong sense of purpose. Being a Parent of Neurodivergent Kids As two moms of neurodivergent kids who are passionate about connected parenting, Sara and I feel like we’re speaking the same language. I have one son who is highly gifted with ADHD and another with pretty severe sensory processing and an eating disorder. So between the two, I was constantly trying to figure out strategies that would work. Sara shared her story of noticing that, at a young age, her oldest son was surpassing every cognitive milestone, but struggling with social-emotional and behavioral issues. It also brought some unique parenting challenges. Sara says, “I took positive parenting courses. I did all of those things, but it still wasn't working. Because his intellect was so high, he was outsmarting every strategy that we tried.” Fortunately for Sara, she had a good friend who worked with neurodivergent kids and put her on the right track to getting some more information and support. Through assessment, they were able to narrow down what was going on with her son and get him into OT and play therapy to help with sensory issues and emotional regulation. I had a similar experience with my oldest son. He didn’t really fit into any of the stages I read about when he was a toddler. As an 18-month old he may have fit in with behaviors of a 9-month old but cognitive abilities of a 3-year-old. I didn’t know what to make of it, and it was really confusing. When you’re parenting a neurodivergent kid, you’re likely experiencing different challenges than other moms you know. You’re trying all kinds of strategies, but they’re not really working for you. It’s easy to wonder if you’re doing something wrong or if something is wrong with your child. And this can bring up a lot of anxiety, guilt, and shame. You might worry about: Many of these same concerns can also arise with neurotypical kids who struggle with emotional regulation, trauma, medical conditions or other issues. One way to embrace the experience is to connect with other moms of neurodivergent kids. Sara shared that when her son was young, they became good friends with another family whose son also had ADHD. While there...

Today, I’m walking you through 3 things that kids need in order to feel secure in their attachment with you. Consider this your crash course in attachment basics, a how-to guide. You’ll Learn: I’m willing to bet that you're doing a lot of things right already. But if you want to improve your attachment and make it stronger, these steps will help you do it. ----------------------------------------------------- One thing I want you to keep in mind is that attachment is a robust system. It’s not easily broken, and it’s never too late to focus on strengthening your attachment with your child. Your kid wants to connect with you. They want to feel safe and secure with you. And the truth is that most parents do create secure attachment with their children. We’re hardwired to protect our kids, to take care of them and to make sure that they get what they need. Why Secure Attachment Matters When a child has a secure attachment to their parent, it means that they feel pretty safe in the world. They’re not living in a hyper vigilant, stressed, reactive headspace. Their mental health is pretty good. Kids who are securely attached typically grow up to be self-reliant, independent, have a strong self esteem, and experience less anxiety and depression. They launch into the world… The amazing thing about these 4 S’s is that when your child has this modeled for them - when they feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure with you, no matter what - they can create this inside of themselves. It’s that feeling of being okay. And who doesn’t want that? The 4 S’s of Attachment Each of these 4 S’s leads to the next. When your child feels safe, when they feel seen, when they feel soothed…that results in security (aka a secure attachment with you). SAFE Safety means that your child is physically and emotionally secure in their environment. They feel protected from harm, and they don't experience fear or threat from you. Essentially, you need to be the safe person for your child - not the thing that scares them. This is really the crux of connected parenting. We’re not using fear or threats in order to get compliance. Spanking is one example of this. Your child’s fear activates their nervous system (which is not going to improve their behavior) and confuses them. You’re supposed to be the source of safety, but yet you’re the source of fear in that moment. They might be uncertain of whether they can fully trust you. Of course, we all have times when we are a source of fear. You might yell, rage, or get physical. That is why repair is so important. Instead of your child seeing you as dangerous, unpredictable, or unreliable, you take responsibility for your actions and use it as an opportunity to strengthen the attachment. SEEN To be seen is to have a caregiver who perceives and understands a child's emotional experience. It means that you see your child as an individual. You become curious about them, you think about what they want, who they are, and what they need. You view them as a fully whole individual...

Today, I’ve invited Dr. Sarah Bren to talk to us about attachment, knowing whether or not we have a secure attachment with our kids, and how to maintain that secure attachment through the process of repair. You’ll Learn: You’ll get some really practical tips about how to actually say sorry and make amends and talk to your kids when there's been a rupture in your relationship. I know you’re going to love this conversation and the confidence you feel when your attachment with your kids is strong. ------------------------------------------------- Dr. Sarah Bren is a clinical psychologist and a mom of two. She has dedicated her career to translating the science of attachment into simple, real-life strategies for parents wanting to support healthy child development while not losing sight of their own mental health along the way. She is also the co-founder and clinical director of Upshur Bren Psychology Group in Pelham, NY, where she and her team of highly specialized therapists work with parents, children, and families. What Is Secure Attachment? Dr. Sarah defines attachment as an instinct to form a bond that allows for physical and emotional proximity to a caregiver. It’s biological and increases our chances of survival as a species. She says, “We’re hardwired to create these relational bonds.” Everyone attaches, but attachment science looks to the quality of that attachment relationship. Basically, secure attachment happens when a child believes that the parent will consistently and reliably meet their basic survival needs most of the time. This includes needs like food, sleep, warmth, and safety. Attachment Myths Dr. Sarah says that many parents are quite anxious about the attachment relationship with their kids. Here are a few myths you can stop worrying about right now. Myth #1: Attachment is fragile. It can feel like the stakes are really high when it comes to creating a secure attachment with your child. The good news is, “It's not that fragile of a system. Not every single move you make is going to make or break an attachment relationship. It's a pretty robust system.” Dr. Sarah says that secure attachment is actually the default. Our job is to not actively derail it. Myth #2: If there’s friction in the relationship, your attachment is not secure. Smooth sailing is not a requirement for a secure attachment. You won’t always get along, and there will be friction sometimes. You’ll still need to hold limits. You’ll still upset your child, and you’ll be frustrated by them sometimes, too. In fact, when your kid is really mad and throwing their vilest muck at you, it’s actually a sign that they feel safe in the relationship. They know you’re not going anywhere. Myth #3: Attachment is fixed. If you experienced insecure attachment as a child, you’re doomed. Dr. Sarah explains that our initial attachment relationships create a sort of blueprint that we then use to anticipate how other people will receive us, respond to us, and meet our needs in the future. Fortunately, attachment is not fixed. While early experiences are important, the blueprint is also a...

When my kids were little, I came up with a routine that I called “The 5 Things”. Basically, I decided on five things that my kids needed to do before school every morning - the non-negotiables. Today, you’ll learn how to create and follow through on your own morning and bedtime routines. You’ll Learn: Barking orders, reminding over and over, and rushing kids does not set you up for a good morning or the gentle handoff we want. The 5 Things is a way to create a simple routine kids can remember and complete on their own (with a little practice, of course). ---------------------------------------- What Are The 5 Things? In our house, The 5 Things were: About five minutes before it was time to leave, I would stand at the door, look them in the eyeballs, and say, “Okay, it’s time to leave. Have you done your five things?” If they hadn’t done them all yet or if they looked at me with a confused, blank stare, I’d try to coach them through in a way that required them to do their own thinking. You can just hold out your 5 fingers and help them go through and tick them down together. I LOVE this video from @sprinkleinlearning showing a similar morning routine in action. Choosing Your 5 Things Your 5 Things don’t have to be exactly the same as mine. In the video, you’ll see that the little girl is already dressed, and her 5 Things are backpack, water, lunch, shoes, and jacket. There are a few areas here where I have some thoughts… Water bottles - I never really cared about my kids taking a water bottle to school. They were welcome to fill up a bottle and put it in their backpack anytime, but it wasn’t something I was going to manage for them. Breakfast - There are lots of differing opinions about eating breakfast in the morning. In our house, I always had breakfast available for a certain period of time (e.g. 7:00-7:40 am). This allowed me to have things cleaned up and put away before we had to leave for school. I deeply believe that a hungry belly is the best teacher when you want kids to learn to eat right. Their brain will start to connect the dots of, “I was hungry today, and it didn’t feel good. So I’m going to eat my breakfast tomorrow.” Most young kids also end up having some kind of snack early in the day, so they likely won’t be hungry for long. If you’re really concerned about your kid eating because they need to take medication that requires food, etc., you can have a granola bar or smoothie set up that they can eat in the car. Jackets - If you live somewhere with cold weather, and your child needs a jacket, don’t overthink it. It can get clumped in with putting on socks and shoes. Often my kids would come home with their sweatshirts in their backpacks (we live in California, so not a lot of cold weather), so I would have them keep the sweatshirt near the backpack so it was ready to go the next day. Why The 5 Things Works The biggest thing I like about The 5 Things is that it requires kids to do their own thinking. They have to memorize what is required of them in order to go to school. It will take some time for kids to internalize this. What I love so much about the video with the lights (you could also use a checklist or other tool) is that it starts to...

This one simple practice that I call “Eyeballs” can make your afternoons easier and add powerful connection to anytime you reunite with your child. It only takes a few seconds and very little effort, but I know it will make a huge difference in your home. You’ll Learn: I love this so much because your child wants to be seen by you. They desperately want to feel loved, accepted, and safe. And they get this from you when you simply take a moment to acknowledge them and say hello. -------------------------------------------------- Moments of Reunion Matter A moment of reunion can happen anytime you’ve been apart from your child. Maybe it’s first thing in the morning, when they get home from school, or after a sporting event or play date. When you are truly present in moments of reunion, it sets up the rest of your time together in a way that feels connected and calming. It feels good to be greeted warmly. Think about when you walk up to a hostess in a restaurant or check in for an appointment. How much nicer is it when they make eye contact, smile, and welcome you? It makes you feel lighter, more compliant, and you probably smile back. This is the kind of moment you’re trying to create with your kid. Especially at the end of the school day, kids are really tired. They’re waiting for that moment when they can relax and decompress. It’s time for them to take a deep exhale, and they want you to be a part of it. How To Do Eyeballs Eyeballs is all about connection. I call this strategy Eyeballs because I think it’s funny 😆. But it’s also more than just eye contact. It’s looking into your kid’s eyes and looking past the surface, a little bit deeper. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I love looking into my kids’ eyes is because it makes me remember that I like them. I remember who they really are at their core and all the things that are great about them. Here’s how to do it: Pause what you’re doing. Even if you’re talking to another mom at school pickup, say, “Hey, I’m going to greet my kid real quick.” If you’re folding laundry or doing other chores when your child comes through the door, put it down. Look your child in the eyes and actually look at them. Notice who they are. If you have little kids, squat down to eye level. This can be harder if you have to go through a carpool lane (which often feels so hectic), but it only takes a second to turn around and look at your child while they’re buckling their seat belt. Greet them with a smile. Say something like, “Hi, I missed you,” “I’ve been thinking about you,” “I’m so glad you’re here,” or “I can’t wait to hear about your day.” Wait to get into transactional conversation like homework, water bottles, afternoon activity plans, etc. until after you’ve done this Eyeball reunion. Why It Works If you show up in the school carpool line and you're still on the phone and you are distracted and you're stressed out about dinner, it’s really difficult for you kid. No judgment - we’ve all been there! Kids need a chance to reset their nervous system after school and connect back to home life. They need a little bit of a transition. If your child doesn’t get that reset and is dysregulated, you’re going to see more misbehavior, complaining, arguing, sibling fights, etc. But when you do that little bit of connection with your kid, they tend to not need to get attention from you...

In today’s short and sweet episode, I’m giving you two simple strategies for better mornings (which I know you can use now that school is back in session!). You’ll Learn: I show you how to help your kids get physically and emotionally ready for their day. ---------------------------------------------- When I think about a kid getting ready for school in the morning, I imagine that they are armoring up. No matter how great their school is or how much they love their teacher and their friends, school is stressful for kids. They have to think, listen, and deal with other kids (and their behaviors). They have to do things on a schedule that isn’t always the way they want it, and there are a lot of expectations on them. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a lot of work for them. So we want to help facilitate and support them as they get physically and emotionally ready for their day. Strategy #1: The Gentle Handoff The “handoff” is that moment when you drop your child off at school, daycare, camp, wherever they’re going for the day. From the time my kids were young up to this very day, my goal when I’m dropping them off anywhere is to deliver the most emotionally regulated human being that I can to that activity. That means that I have created an environment for my kids that is emotionally regulated. We’re not in chaotic, frantic, stressed energy. …Which means I have to be in my calm energy. Here are some ways to work toward a gentle handoff. Prioritize Emotional Regulation Our kids borrow our energy. So whatever energy you’re in (chaotic or calm) will transfer to your child. The key to prioritizing your emotional regulation and your kid’s emotional regulation is to start your day gently. Some simple ways to do this are: Delay If possible, delay the other non-kid stuff until after dropoff. If messages, problems, or stress come up, tell yourself, “I’m going to have to deal with this. But I’m going to deal with it later, because my goal is to deliver the most emotionally regulated person I can to school today.” Know Your Cues We all have cues that we’re getting dysregulated. When you know what yours are, you can pause before things get too far off. Some of the clues I see when I’m getting dysregulated are: Yelling is also a good indicator that you’re dysregulated. Because if you’re yelling, you’re not calm. Period. If you have a rough moment or yell at your kid. see if you can do a little repair on the way to school or while you’re waiting for the bus. You may not be ready to take full accountability, but just recognizing that you lost your cool will help. Try saying something like, “Whoa, sorry. That was a rough morning. I got out of control of my emotions a little. We’re going to do better tomorrow.” Say Goodbye I know this isn’t always possible, but when it is, little kids really benefit from having you park and walk them toward the school.

If you’ve ever known anyone who’s going through a divorce, if you’re considering divorce yourself, or are in the early stages of making that decision, this episode on surviving divorce is for you. My guest today is Certified Divorce Coach® Laila Aitken Ali. Laila is known as the Split Coach, and she helps people (especially parents) to restructure their lives and relationships post-breakup so they don't get stuck in old dynamics and reactive patterns. You’ll Learn: We’re talking all about how to take care of yourself and frame the situation for your kids, as well as support people in your life who are dealing with separation and divorce. ------------------------------------- Laila is also the co-founder of Split.fyi, a digital platform and supportive community helping people move through divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions with clarity, confidence, and strategy. Laila’s work is deeply personal. She went through her own divorce while pregnant, and that raw, life-altering experience pushed her to build the very kind of support she wished she had - one rooted in emotional truth, practical tools, and human connection. That journey shaped her mission: to help others navigate the emotional chaos of separation while creating structure, strategy, and a new sense of self along the way. She’s known for her warm, no-BS approach and her fierce belief that breakdowns can become powerful turning points - which you know I love! The First Steps When a marriage ends—especially when kids are involved—the experience can be deeply overwhelming, emotional, and disorienting. If you're facing the start of a divorce, whether the decision was yours or not, it’s easy to get swept up in shock, fear, and a rush to fix everything right now. Laila describes it as feeling completely “sideswiped”. One moment you think you know your life’s direction. The next you’re questioning everything, from how you’ll manage parenting alone to where you’ll live and how you’ll support yourself. The key takeaway in these first days? Press pause on “doing” and prioritize your own wellbeing. Yes, your kid is always first and foremost. But sometimes, that looks like doing what’s best for you so that you can show up for them. Laila says, “You have to think about things in all aspects. But you can’t think about them all at once.” The first thing you should deal with is not money, not custody arrangements - it’s your wellbeing. The divorce process moves slowly, and you actually have a lot of time. Because when you are in fight-or-flight mode, you’re not able to make clear, healthy decisions. You’ve got to deal with the thoughts and feelings that are coming up, like blaming the other person, thinking that you’ve failed, feeling angry, sad, or afraid. Just like grieving people are advised to avoid major life moves in the immediate aftermath, with divorce, there’s wisdom in allowing yourself some breathing room instead of forcing immediate, big decisions. This is when you give yourself lots of grace and permission to focus on just being okay. And don’t personalize. It’s normal for one or both people in a divorce situation to be hurt and grieving. And hurt people often hurt people. When your ex is pushing against your...

Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re continuing our conversation from last week about The Drama Triangle. This week, we’re diving deeper into a healthier model, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). You’ll Learn: In this episode, you’ll learn HOW to actually switch roles and shift into this healthier dynamic. This is one of those episodes where you may want to grab your journal, answer some questions, and work through where these roles are showing up in your own family. ---------------------------------------- In The Empowerment Dynamic, the roles shift from… Victim → Creator Persecutor → Challenger Rescuer → Coach Shifting Into The Empowerment Dynamic We all take on different roles at different times. It’s normal to switch between them (even within a short period of time). But my guess is that there are a couple that you do most often. The challenge for you is to figure out how you act and why. Victim → Creator Becoming a Creator is about getting creative with how you want to respond to life’s challenges. It is inevitable that we will all experience sadness, pain, and misfortune. But you get to choose the way you look at and respond to these obstacles when they arise. The Victim has a “poor me” mindset. They don't really believe in their own power. They don't take responsibility for the circumstances that they find themselves in. They feel very helpless and trapped, doubt their own capabilities, and look to others to solve their problems for them. You can see how it would be easy for our kids to fall into this role. They’re young, and little, and they do need our help. But there are ways to provide that help and guidance without being a helicopter parent or bulldozing a smooth road for them (which does nothing to help their self-confidence). If you think you or your child might be in a victim mindset, ask: In the Empowerment Dynamic, we want to shift from the role of Victim into the role of Creator. This shift develops resilience and confidence. The Creator wants to create and be their best self. A creator thinks things like, “I'm good enough. I get to choose how to respond to my life,” and, “I am capable. I have the ability to take care of myself,” and, “I can trust myself. I know that I am worthy of trust.” You can help your child make this shift to believing in their abilities by affirming that: Don’t bypass the feelings. Validate their emotion, show your support, and ask, “What do you want to do now? How do you want to handle this?” If you are in a victim mindset yourself, think about how you can get what you want in a healthy way. Think about times in the past when you have overcome challenges and feel gratitude for your strength in those moments. Persecutor → Challenger The shift from viewing someone as a Persecutor requires you to look at them from a more neutral place. Rather than seeing them as “the bad guy”, you see the circumstance as a challenge that you can overcome. And if you are showing up as a Persecutor, this shift...

Today, we’re digging into the concept of the Drama Triangle (which you can probably guess is something you don’t want to be stuck in). I’m talking all about what the Drama Triangle is and how it shows up in parenting. You’ll Learn: Let’s get you and your family out of drama and into a place of empowerment and resilience. ------------------------------------------------ What Is the Drama Triangle? The Karpman Drama Triangle (named after psychologist Stephen Karpman) describes how we often adopt one of three unhealthy roles when attempting to resolve conflict: The VictimThe PersecutorThe Rescuer Overall, the Drama Triangle is maladaptive - meaning that these roles are not actually helpful for conflict resolution or family dynamics. How the Drama Triangle Shows Up at Home Maybe your oldest is always “the troublemaker” (Persecutor), your youngest is constantly “getting picked on” (Victim), and you’re forever running interference (Rescuer). Or maybe, after a particularly tough bedtime, you feel like the Victim—powerless over your child’s tantrums—and wish your partner would “rescue” you by stepping in. Over time, these patterns teach our kids to rely on others to solve their problems, or—worse—internalize harmful labels as “the bad one” or “the helpless one.” And as moms, we sacrifice our own needs for peace that never really lasts. Here’s the tough truth. When we fall into these roles, nobody wins. Victim If a child (or anyone, for that matter) is repeatedly put into the Victim role, we take away their belief that they can solve their own problems. We let them think that they are helpless and that they are trapped and that they cannot do for themselves. They look to their Rescuer to solve problems for them, which is a really disempowering place to be. Persecutor A Persecutor often blames others for their actions. Instead of responding to problems with helpful behavior, they often respond with judgment and criticism. When we remember that feelings drive behavior, we can see that the Persecutor is the one who is actually in pain. The one who needs support. But we often don’t give that support to the Persecutor. We go to the Victim instead. So the Persecutor stays stuck in that pain and that role. They start to feel like the “bad kid”. This is common with older siblings, aggressive kids, kids with ADHD or neurodivergence, and parents who aren't emotionally regulated. And because they are treated like the problem, they feel very isolated and disconnected. They’re trying to get control by putting someone else down, but that isn’t really empowerment. And it doesn’t make them feel good. Rescuer The Rescuer is doing the Victim’s dirty work. A lot of moms find themselves in this role, and it ultimately creates a codependent dynamic where everybody's turning to you, and now you're the rescuer of everybody and you have to solve all the problems and fix everybody's issues all the time. It’s exhausting, and it leads to resentment. Plus, by rescuing our kids, we deny them the opportunity to learn how to

This encore episode about the back to school shit show is one I come back to over and over again - because it’s something parents struggle with every. single. year. The transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. Kids suddenly have to wake up early, get themselves ready and out the door (on time). And it’s a transition for you too as you settle everyone into a new routine. You’ll Learn: There are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks. ------------------------------------------- In this fan-favorite episode, I’m talking about 5 things you need to know as school starts and how to create the right mindset going into the next couple of weeks so that you can be compassionate with your kids (and so you don't lose your mind). I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening. Why is Back To School Such a Shit Show? For your kid, going back to school is kinda like going back to work. And it comes with a lot of thoughts, feelings, excitement, and nerves. This can show up in a lot of different ways. Here are 5 of the ones I see most in the families I work with. Your kid may not like their teacher. Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Social stuff is going to come up. Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly. Your Back To School Mindset Shifts Feeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods). This is a transition.It will take time to...

Today, we’re wrapping up the 3-part series on Internal Family Systems (IFS). This episode is all about being what your kid needs, with lots of strategies to show up as the calm, connected parent you want to be. You’ll Learn: Note: If you haven’t listened to the first 2 episodes in this series, I recommend you go back and do that. There’s a lot of background information that will help this all make a lot more sense. ------------------------------------------ Preventing Childhood Trauma A lot of parents come to me with the goal of not f*cking up their kids. They don’t want to do something that creates trauma in their children. But when you are parenting from a place of reactivity, insecurity, stress, or overwhelm (your wounded parts), you may end up accidentally injuring parts of your kid. Trauma happens when we have a difficult experience and the emotional pain is not processed. It gets stuck inside of us. If your child’s pain is not validated and seen by the grown-ups in their life, they may end up confused or thinking that something is wrong with them. They might feel worthless, unlovable, or shameful. One common example of this is bypassing emotion. It can look like rescuing, jumping quickly to logic or a solution, bribes, looking to the future. Doing this can give your kid the message that their emotion isn’t okay or valid. If you’re sitting there thinking, “Great, I’ve already done all these bad things to my kids. I’ve already created trauma,” take a deep breath. Your children are still children, and they’re still processing their feelings. You can start now being that compassionate leader for your family. I’ve seen it thousands of times. Mom changes >> Kids change. They heal in real time. It’s incredible and so, so beautiful. Compassionate parenting is not about making sure our kids don't ever feel badly. It's helping them learn what to do with those bad feelings when they happen (i.e. growing up to be emotionally healthy). I think of emotional health in terms of emotional literacy: And just like literacy in reading or writing, these are skills that can be taught and must be practiced. Being What Your Kid Needs Ultimately, your kid needs you to be available to help them process their big feelings and provide a model for emotional health. Once you’ve begun to step into your SELF energy (like I talked about in the last episode), you start leading your life from a more grounded, calm place. You become less reactive toward your children. Here are some ways to bring that SELF-led energy to your kid. Be a witness It can be difficult to be around someone who is very emotional and activated. Your child’s big feelings might trigger emotion in you (that’s your amygdala at work). A lot of parents fall apart when their kids fall apart. And this is actually pretty terrifying for the child. When you are willing to witness your child’s pain and help them process it, it can be released. Your kid needs you to be the grown-up in the room. And they need to feel safe enough to express their authentic pain, desires, and whatever...

There are many different religious and cultural traditions and concepts that help us understand what I’m referring to today as the SELF. This is the term used in the Internal Family Systems approach (IFS) to describe our inner being, essence, soul, or spirit. Find out: In this episode, you’ll learn about finding your SELF so that you can live from a place of peace and strength. --------------------------------------------------- The concept of SELF reminds us that we are not our pain, our personality, or our behavior strategies. We are something else entirely. At our core, we are pure and unwounded. But as we go through life and get hurt, we become disconnected from that core SELF. We develop maladaptive behavior strategies to help us deal with that burden and pain. We lash out at people. We hurt ourselves and others. In order to be a Calm Mama, you need to be able to tap into the calm that lives within you. You need to tap into your inner wisdom so that you can respond instead of react. Finding Your SELF Think about a time in your life when you felt very calm or loving, or you stayed really grounded during a tough situation. Your mind isn’t spinning. You’re not thinking or worrying about all the things you need to do or what might happen later or money or your body or whether people like you… See if you can feel this in your body. Maybe you feel a gentle weight in your belly, like you’re sitting more grounded. Maybe you notice a lightness in your chest and head, softness in your shoulders and neck. You’re breathing a little deeper and easier. Your core SELF’s intention is to heal you and to give you more and more access to that SELF. Here’s how to reconnect. Notice when you aren’t in your SELF Energy IFS gives us the 8 Cs of the SELF: Curiosity, calm, confidence, compassion, creativity, clarity, courage, and connectedness. If you feel any of these (and especially if you feel more than one), you’re likely connected to your SELF. When you are disconnected from SELF and in your wounded energy, you might notice yourself feeling panicked, anxious, stressed, insecure, or judgmental. Take a Pause Break This is a tool I teach a lot. It’s simply taking a moment to slow down time. Buying yourself a few seconds so you can get ahead of the next moment instead of reacting to it. Getting to a place where you can respond slowly. When you see everything as an emergency that you need to respond to right away, you get sucked into the drama and overwhelm. You get into fix it/change it/stop it/solve it mode. When you want to jump in and control things - that’s not your core SELF reacting. It’s your wounded parts, your ego, your fear, and your stress. I truly believe that even 10 seconds can help you settle your nervous system and feel more calm. Get into your body Notice the feelings in your body. One thing that really helps me is to lay flat down on the ground with my arms and legs extended (similar to Savasana in yoga). I remind myself that the earth can hold me, and I feel my body relax and release. A body scan is another helpful technique. Visualize each part of your body - from your toes up to the top of your head - recognizing and feeling each part as you go. If you’d...

Moms often start the summer feeling energized, encouraged and ready to go! Then around week 6 or 7, the kids are fighting, they never seem happy and everything sucks. This is your late summer pep talk to help you get out of that funk and get through the rest of summer. If you're having a great summer, I love that for you. But if you're struggling, if you're burned out, resentful or overwhelmed, if you're feeling like your kids are out of control, then this is your episode. You’ll Learn: I’m giving you 3 strategies to help you reset your body, mind and limits. If you’re feeling crappy about how things are going, your kid is pushing boundaries or you’re just plain exhausted, these are for you. You can read the full show notes here. ----------------------------------------- Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources! Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Years ago, I was talking to a client about what it truly means to be a Calm Mama. And she realized that the absence of yelling ≠ calm. There is something deeper that we’re working toward. An inner wisdom, inner peace, and knowing that you can handle anything that comes along. There might be a lot of chaos around you, but inside you are calm and steady. Today, we begin a new 3-part series on Internal Family Systems (IFS) - a therapeutic model created by Richard Schwartz. One of the central concepts is that everything you need for deep healing and wisdom are already within you. You’ll Learn: Listen to find out how IFS works and how you can use it to move into Self-led energy and feel more peace. ------------------------------------------- Why Does Your Peace Matter? We talk about this a lot on the podcast, but in case you’re new to my world (or need a quick refresher), there are a lot of reasons that being calm matters as a parent. The big picture is about raising our children in emotionally healthy families so that they grow up to be emotionally healthy adults. This looks like: When we try to prevent our kids from experiencing or expressing negative emotion by over-protecting, over-planning, over-organizing, or bypassing that emotion, we're actually creating little micro wounds in our kids. They are learning to shut down their own feelings, which is not what we want. In order to be able to do the things our kids need for emotional health, we often need to reparent ourselves and heal our own emotional wounds. Maybe there were times when you were told that you weren’t good enough, or that you didn’t matter, or that the way you felt didn’t matter. In order to feel truly at peace, we have to believe that we are loved, safe, worthy, and that we’re going to be okay, too. This is much easier said than done. So, how do we get to that place of deep, legit calm? 4 Parts of the Internal Family System Feelings drive behavior. And when we don’t know what to do with our feelings, we act them out in behaviors or strategies that we think will protect us from pain or help us deal with pain when it comes up. When we’re acting from our wounded parts, we act in ways that might hurt us or others. The goal is to act from our whole, healed, healthy parts - the Self. The Self is an embodied sense of who you are at your core - without any pain or wounds. We all come into this world pure and filled with joy, ready to experience all the things in life that come. At our core, what we want to feel is peace. But then the world steps in. We experience all kinds of discomfort, and if we don’t get to express and process it, it can get stuck within us. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to healing that identifies the wounded parts of you, as well as the whole, not wounded parts of you. And it helps you to build a relationship between your core Self and those wounded parts so that they can heal, have a sense of wholeness and become what we call “unburdened”. Imagine your internal family as your core Self, plus the other parts of you that are related to your Self and your pain (aka burden). There are...

If you’re feeling like your family could use a break from screens and a reset, this is the episode for you. You may remember a podcast I recorded last year about how to do a digital detox. Well, that episode was based on an amazing book called Digital Detox: The Two-Week Tech Reset for Kids, and I am so thankful to have the author, Molly DeFrank, here with me today. You’ll Learn: Molly normalizes tech overuse (it’s not just you!) and lays out a simple, accessible way for you to give your kid a break from digital input, reset their nervous system, and allow your family to become a bit more whole and integrated. You’ll love our conversation and hearing Molly’s perspective. ------------------------------------------ Molly DeFrank is a mom to six children, ages 8 to 15, and the author of two parenting books, including Digital Detox: The Two-Week Tech Reset for Kids. She lives in California and has helped thousands of families break free from digital dependence. The State of Screen Use I often think of the pandemic as “letting the cat out of the bag” when it comes to screens. Even for slow tech families, school was online and our kids were spending way more time on screens. So now, 5 years later, our kids are struggling and we’re seeing a lot of families doing some course correction. Molly shared that the vast majority of parents say that their kids’ screen use is their biggest parenting struggle and that “8 to 12 year-old kids are spending 40 hours per week on digital entertainment…13 to 18 year-olds are spending 50 hours a week. Our kids are spending the same amount of time as having a full time job being digitally entertained.” Molly was heavily influenced by Dr. Victoria Dunckley, who coined a new condition called Electronic Screen Syndrome that is brought on by too much digital entertainment. It can disguise itself as ADHD, bipolar disorder, or OCD, when it’s really just the adrenaline, cortisol, and dopamine that is hijacking their brains. She saw so much of this that she decided to no longer diagnose a new client until they had undergone a digital detox. And most of the time, symptoms were resolved and medication was not needed. That’s how powerful this is. Some of these symptoms that come with screen overuse include irritability, aggression, low frustration tolerance, problems sleeping, and inattentiveness. Parents know that something needs to change, but they don’t want to deal with the fallout and tantrums of reducing or taking away screens. I know you’ve experienced this. The timer goes off, and the monster comes out. The negotiations (just 5 more minutes, pleeeease) and big feelings begin. This is purely dysregulation from the transition from stimulation from that device to non stimulation. I call this the boredom gap, and believe it or not, there is so much hope and freedom on the other side. Benefits of a Digital Detox Molly wants us to know that a detox doesn’t mean you’re signing up for 2 weeks (or forever) of screen tantrums. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. She says, “You’re actually getting your kids back.” A detox comes with benefits to your child's creativity, mental health, social life, and academics, as well as your relationship with them. In fact, every parent she knows who has...

Today, I am so excited to introduce two special guests, Julie Scelfo and Julie Fruman, from Mothers Against Media Addiction (or MAMA). I believe so much in MAMA’s vision and mission for healthier tech and healthier families. I can’t wait for you to meet them. You’ll Learn: This episode is full of simple, practical ways you can help your family have a healthier, more balanced relationship with screens and media. So sit back and listen to us talk about the hope for an environment where media does not infiltrate everything and our kids can grow up without overexposure to media and screens. ------------------------------------------ Meet the MAMAs Julie Scelfo is the founder and executive director of MAMA, and she has created a chapter-based grassroots movement of parents who are fighting back against media addiction. Her goal is to create a world in which real life experiences and interactions remain at the heart of a healthy childhood. She is an award-winning journalist, a former New York Times staff writer, a media ecologist, and a parent. She says, “MAMA grew out of my own frustration as a parent trying to keep my kids safe online and realizing that the problem was beyond anything I alone could manage as a parent. At one point, I signed them up for software that was going to let me know anytime they were exposed to something dangerous. And I started getting over 100 emails a day. And I realized there's no way that I could manage all of that alone.” Now, MAMA has a 3-part mission to educate parents, get smartphones out of schools, and advocate for basic safeguards on technology products. Julie Fruman is the leader of the local chapter of MAMA in my community. For more than a decade, Julie has provided mental health support to individuals, couples and families. She holds a Masters degree in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. She hosts frequent workshops for parents, teens and tweens, encouraging safe, intentional, balanced technology use through the Conejo Valley Chapter of MAMA. She says, “When MAMA first launched, I heard about it and I knew immediately I wanted to get involved. I loved the idea of having other parents around me and not doing this work solo. I like being with other parents who want the same things for our children and for the community, too. I wanted to do this hand in hand and not by myself.” Effects of Media Addiction & Overuse If you’re like a lot of moms I talk to, you just feel a little “off” when it comes to screens and tech. You know something doesn’t feel quite right, but you’re not sure why or what exactly to do about it. Scelfo says, “We as a society right now are completely addicted to media and screens. Think of all the places we have screens. They are in our restaurants, they are in our cars, our elevators, our gas pumps. There's almost no place that you can go anymore and just enjoy the natural setting without being bombarded with information.” And this constant exposure comes with some downsides. Acute Risks We know what dangers look like in the “real world”, but we can’t always see what’s happening online. Social algorithms often promote content that includes...

We’re a few weeks into summer, and you might be starting to feel like you’re in the doldrums. If you’ve been feeling frustrated, disappointed or sad that your summer isn’t going quite the way you hoped it would, this is the episode for you. You’ll Learn: In this encore episode, I’m talking about how to do a summer reset and get things back on track. You can read the full show notes here. --------------------------------------------------- Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources! Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes