Become A Calm Mama

The best way to improve your child's behavior on the outside is helping them understand how to cope and communicate with their big feelings on the inside. You’ll Learn: I’m walking you through exactly how to use (new & improved!) The Connection Tool to coach your kids when they're having big feeling cycles or when they're dysregulated. -------------------------------------- The Connection Tool is one of my favorite tools I’ve ever created to help parents emotionally coach their kids when they're having big feeling cycles or when they're dysregulated. Today, I’ll walk you through exactly how to use it. And if you’ve been around a while, you may notice a few improvements. The Connection Tool falls under the 2nd pillar of my Connected Parenting Process: Calm >> Connect >> Limit Set >> Correct This process is meant to simplify parenting for you as much as possible. When you’re seeing off-track behavior, it means that some parenting is probably needed. And by going through the 4 steps of the process, you can use your kid’s behavior as a clue to what they might be feeling or needing. The best way to improve your child's behavior on the outside is helping them understand how to cope and communicate with their big feelings on the inside. Kids don’t know what to do with disappointment, anger, jealousy, and those other hard emotions. So, they complain, ignore you, run away from you, call names, hit their brother, etc. The Connection Tool helps you teach them how to handle those emotions in an appropriate way. What Do I Mean By Connection? When you hear the term “connection” as it relates to parenting, your mind might automatically go to the connection between you and your child. Of course, I want you to have a good relationship with your kid, but that’s not exactly what we’re talking about here. When I talk about “connection” in the Connected Parenting Process, I’m really talking about the connection between your child’s behavior and their emotions. You’re helping to connect what’s happening on the inside and how it’s showing up outside of them through their behavior. In essence, it’s about connecting your child to themself. Giving them an understanding and awareness of how they're thinking, how they're feeling, and helping them learn to manage their feelings in healthy ways. Emotional health and wellbeing always starts with awareness. This is also called “emotional literacy”, which essentially means that they can understand what they are feeling, describe it with words, and express those emotions in health and appropriate ways that work for them, your family, and their community. From there, they can also learn how to shift their thinking so that they have a better mindset about whatever is going on in their life. One thing I want to point out is that when your child is in a big feeling cycle or acting out, they don’t need limits or correction (yet). What they need first is connection. Threatening, accusing, minimizing, or insulting are not helpful in this situation. They will only make your child more dysregulated. The Connection Tool I’ve been teaching this tool to parents for a long time, but through the process of writing my book, I realized that it was incomplete. The NEW Connection Tool has 5 parts. 1. Notice. This is just for you. You notice that something is going on. Your kid is dysregulated or acting out. They might be tired, hungry, overstimulated, facing frustration. They're having feelings of stress, Frustration, anger, disappointment, disappointment. Often, you’ll notice this before they really lose it. You’ll see that something is a little off, something’s brewing. Your kid looks mostly fine, but inside their nervous system is working really hard. This is a great time for you to take a CALM break. You know that your kid is starting to show big feelings, and they’re going to need your help. If a behavior shows up and you find yourself upset by it or you start showing up with some of those...

It’s a big question (especially when your kids are little) - What would I be doing to set my child up for success in adulthood? We all want our kids to thrive and be well. Today, I’m sharing the 3 essential beliefs kids need for emotional health. You’ll Learn: This episode breaks down the key ingredients to helping your kid become emotionally healthy and resilient - now and as an adult. ---------------------------------------- The three essential beliefs are: These are the beliefs that help ensure your child grows up to have good self esteem, take risks, think for themselves, be responsible, and have good relationships with others and with their own body. Each person comes into the world preset to believe these things. They want them to be proven true. The problem happens when they start to get different messages or they have experiences in childhood happen to them and that are never explained. Your child's earliest years (between 0-5) set the groundwork for their subconscious beliefs about themselves and the world. And those beliefs are reinforced up until around age 12. They are absorbing messages all the time about themselves and the world based on their environment and their interactions with you. You have a lot of influence over your child's beliefs about themselves. When you can reinforce these essential beliefs in them - showing them that they’re safe, lovable, and capable - they get the message and carry those beliefs with them into adulthood. Belief #1: I am safe. This is the belief that I am safe, and the world is safe. I don't need to worry so much about my needs. I can relax in my environment, and from that relaxed state I can go and try and do hard things and take big swings in the world and live my life. Why it matters Babies cannot meet any of their own physical needs, so they trust and rely on us to care for them. This is the beginning of building safety. “The grownups in my world are safe.” As they get a little older, safety becomes not only physical but also emotional. They want to know that you can handle their big feelings. You are the person who will protect, not harm, them. They don’t need to be scared of you. The idea of safety also shifts as we see more behaviors. They might start to see safety as conditional. That they are safe and cared for as long as they act a certain way. It can also be based on the adult’s emotional capacity, patience, etc. When their safety is in question, the child becomes hypervigilant and aware. They’re always looking around trying to figure out, “Am I safe?”. Without a core belief that the world is safe, we start to see things like anxiety, dissociating, seeking safety in relationships (or rejecting relationships), and other unhealthy behaviors. What to do The goal, then, is to be a physically and emotionally reliable caregiver for your child. This means regulating your nervous system, so that you can be calm and reinforce these core beliefs. Boundaries and rules are also important to creating a sense of safety. We don’t want to be too harsh or rigid, but predictable routines and limits help kids know what to expect and show them that their adult is going to do what they say they will do. I like to think of these rhythms as a metronome in the background of life. Belief #2: I am lovable. You can also think of this belief as “I'm good enough”. We want our kids to walk through the world believing that they're good enough exactly as they are. That they're worthy of love, and you accept them unconditionally. Why it matters Kids have a really hard time separating themselves from their behavior. So when you communicate that you don’t like how they’re acting, it can be confusing. They can take it to mean that you don’t like them. Or that you only love them when they’re behaving a certain way. This means that you have to actively communicate to them that they're lovable no matter how they act, that they are good enough, and that you accept them exactly as they...

If you’ve experienced mean mom groups, mom drama, cliques, gossip, rumors, and nastiness, you’re not alone (and you’re not imagining it). Today’s episode is an honest conversation with my friend Danielle about these topics, as well as some loving, kind ways that we can support each other as moms. You’ll Learn: We're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others. ------------------------------- Danielle and I raised our kids alongside each other. We were in the same elementary school and community, but we also had different friend groups and different experiences. She is one of my favorite people to talk to about motherhood, so I’m so excited she’s here. Experiences of Matrescence Every woman in motherhood is going through some stage of matrescence - the process of becoming a mother. During this transformational time, we tend to experience a lot of the same insecurity, confusion, and overwhelm that we felt in adolescence. Maybe you’ve felt insecure or confused. Or thought: These are all super common during matrescence. Plus, once you think you’ve started to figure things out, everything changes as your child moves through stages of infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary, high school, and beyond. Mom Drama When you’re going through matrescence, you’re also likely surrounded by other women who are also going through this transition. When you put a group of moms together, those insecurities can show up as immaturity and drama. And just as teen girls stir up drama because they’re insecure and not sure when they fit in, moms act out their insecurities in a similar way. Particularly when their kids are around early elementary age. When your kids are in preschool, it’s like you’re at war together. You’re sharing stories and struggles, comparing behaviors, and just trying to figure out how to get through it. It’s a very physical time in parenting. You’re picking them up, putting them down, dealing with sleep issues and potty training. It’s a daily battle, and you’re exhausted. Once your kid is out of diapers and strollers and is off to school, there’s a shift from physical parenting to emotional parenting. You start to look around and wonder, “Am I doing this right?” This is the stage when we tend to see “mean mom” behaviors that are driven by insecurity, fear, and the desire to fit in. Belonging The preschool years are short. You may connect with other moms mainly in the drop-off or pickup line, and you know that in a year or two, kids will be heading in different directions and to different schools. During the elementary years, you might start looking for longtime friends, knowing that your kids will be in school together for the next 6 or 8 or 12 years. Now, you’re looking at other moms and asking yourself, “Are these the people we want to spend time with?” “What group am I going to be in?” You want to make sure that you and your kids are in with the “right” families and groups. What often happens then is that the insecurity of wanting to set our kids up for success and make sure we’re in the right group lends itself to observing, judging, and criticizing other moms. Then you get into comparison. And then you get into gossip. Fear Danielle brought up a fear moms have of a “bad kid” rubbing off on their child. Especially if your kid is slightly divergent or working through emotional regulation issues, people tend to run away. It’s like behavioral issues are contagious. There isn’t a lot of grace extended in those early years. It’s a fear not only of their kid behaving badly but also insecurity around the parent’s ability to handle that behavior. Moms think, “I don’t even know how to parent that, so I’m just gonna avoid it.” Judgment Many people also have the belief that your kid and their behavior is a reflection of you as a parent. So, when someone sees a child behaving badly, they might jump to the conclusion that the mom is...

Dr. Angele Close is back to talk with me more about matrescence - the transformation and experience of becoming a mother. Motherhood comes with so many changes, identity shifts, frustrations, overwhelm, delight (I could go on all day). You’ll Learn: It’s a big deal to become a parent! We are forever changed by the experience. Today, we’re diving deeper into what it means to go through this process, how it changes us, how it's like adolescence, and the beautiful gifts that come with becoming a mom. ------------------------------------ As you may remember from our previous conversations, Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher who draws on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of healing and transformation to support maternal mental health and well-being. She helps mothers navigate the identity shifts of matrescence, releasing perfectionism and shame so they can embrace motherhood with greater self-compassion, confidence, and joy. Dr. Angele is also a mother of 3 teens and the author of Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom. Transformational Stages We all go through certain periods of transformation in our lives. Two of the biggest are adolescence and matrescence, and Dr. Angele shared some comparisons between them. She says that each of these is a transformational journey that every woman who becomes a mother will experience. Just as your body, identity, and friendships change during adolescence, your mindset, identity, career, and relationships also change over the course of motherhood. And while we all go through this transformation, every person’s experience is unique. Matrescence begins in the moment that you start thinking, “I think I want to be a mother” (or, “Oh shit, I’m going to be a mother!”). And it lasts as long as you are a mother. Because this covers such a wide range of time and experiences, it can also help to pinpoint where you are within matrescence: Depending on your stage of matrescence, there are some common patterns and experiences that Dr. Angele has seen come up for moms. Fantasy v. Reality This is a big one in early motherhood. Chances are, you had a vision in your mind of what it would be like to be a mom. Maybe it was carried with you from childhood, when you pretended to be a mom to your dolls. Personally, I had a vision of strolling down Venice Beach in a cute outfit with my nails done and perfect hair. I had no idea what it was actually going to be like. The lived reality of motherhood is usually a bit different from the visions in our heads. Suddenly, you’re dealing with sleep schedules, feeding schedules, figuring out how to manage your time and energy in a whole new way. There’s a heavy mental load, lots of new demands, and you’re mentally and physically exhausted. The next thing you know, you haven't showered in days, you forgot to brush your teeth, haven't put a bra on, and can't figure out how to get you and your kid(s) out the door. It can be a little bit of a rude awakening compared to that vision of walking along the beach looking beautiful with the wind blowing in your hair! You probably realize that there are parts of momming that you don’t like. And then you feel like a bad mom. When you’re early on in matrescence (the first 4-5 years), it’s kinda like early adolescence. It feels awful, you don’t know who you are, and you’re confused about what you’re supposed to be doing, what matters, and what doesn’t. That confusion of identity leads us to… The Inner Split Matrescence isn’t just about schedules and the demands of motherhood. It is a full transformation of identity. Matrescence can be really uncomfortable and isolating. You might feel torn between who you were as a woman and who you are becoming as a mom. Between what you want and the limitations that you’re facing. Dr. Angele explains that most moms make their child a priority, which is natural because...

If you’re a fan of the Pause Break, you are going to love the new and improved tool I’m teaching in today’s episode. And if you’re new here, the CALM Break is going to change the way you show up as a parent! You’ll Learn: The CALM Break is the new and improved Pause Break. It’s a step-by-step process for what to do when you find yourself overwhelmed, yelling at your kid, or just not showing up as the parent you want to be. Today, I’m breaking down what it is and how you can use it to show up as a calm mama. -------------------------------- Why Aren’t You Calm? We all feel overwhelmed and dysregulated at times, especially when it comes to parenting. Understanding what’s going on can help you to be more compassionate with yourself and feel less out of control. Your nervous system has two parts: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The parasympathetic nervous system is the calm part. It's what we think of as “rest and digest”. It's a state of equilibrium and balance. For the most part, you should be living your life in the parasympathetic nervous system. These are the times when things are relatively easy, you know what to be doing, the demands on you are manageable, and you're able to keep up. When things become stressful - there is too much demand on you and you feel overwhelmed - your nervous system says, “Uh-oh, we can’t handle this,” and it decides that you need a bunch more stress hormones (e.g. adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine) in order to deal with what’s in front of you. This triggers your sympathetic nervous system. That's the fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn response. Basically, you either become activated or you shut down. At certain times in your life, this stress response can be really helpful and useful. But we’re not supposed to stay in an activated state all the time. The stressors in our lives aren't supposed to outpace our ability to manage those stressors. But kids (even if you only have one) create a lot of extra stress. You're constantly worried and looking out for their safety. You're constantly trying to problem solve. They’re melting down because their nervous system is immature and misfiring all the time. And then you add the everyday life demands of time, money, work, relationship drama, physical fatigue, and it can feel so overwhelming. A lot of the time, you can handle things as they come up. Somebody spills their juice, you clean it up, you move on. Give yourself a little credit here for not being a raging lunatic all the time! But there are also moments when your stress response takes over. Your brain tells you this is an emergency, your stress response activates, and it takes you out of your logical, thinking response. This is when you need to use the CALM Break to get your parasympathetic nervous system back online to manage the stress juice and get you back to a more balanced state. The CALM Break Listen, if you have kids under 10, it’s probably cuckoo pants all the time in your house. Under age 5, forget it. You've got kids climbing and jumping and throwing and spitting and punching and hitting. And you're gonna feel like you're going bananas (and you kind of are). Your nervous system is not ready for those demands. It’s not built to be. CALM is an acronym that helps you remember the steps to follow when you notice that you are overwhelmed, triggered, or dysregulated. CALM stands for: Catch yourself Align Label Move Step 1: Catch Yourself & Pause This step is about building awareness of how you’re feeling and when you are dysregulated. You can also think of the “C” as checking in with yourself. This can be as simple as noticing and saying to yourself, “Oh, I’m very overwhelmed right now.” When you interrupt your stress response, you are retraining your nervous system to respond differently to those circumstances. Step 2: Align Align refers to getting your nervous system back online with your values and your goals of becoming a calm parent. First, delay....

I’m back with brand new episodes and a new name for my signature parenting framework! You’ll Learn: I want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. Introducing The Connected Parenting Process. ---------------------------------------- I’m back from a 10-week hiatus of recording new episodes. The reason for that break is that I’ve been busy writing a book! It’s all about raising an emotionally healthy kid using connected parenting. More to come on that later, of course. Through the writing process, I realized some things about how I’ve been teaching about parenting and how I want to talk about it moving forward. For the last several years, my signature process has been called The Calm Mama Process. But now, I see that this title isn’t really fair to moms. It makes it seem like the mom is the person who's supposed to be calm and do all the connected parenting. I realized that in some ways, by titling my parenting philosophy “The Calm Mama Process”, I was putting pressure on moms to be the person who's responsible for parenting, and I was alienating dads in the process. I do not want to perpetuate these gender-typical roles and continue putting the emotional and mental labor of parenting solely on women. Frankly, I’m over anything that puts more pressure on moms. I’m done with it. I want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. So, I decided to rename my framework The Connected Parenting Process. The Connected Parenting Process If you’ve been with me for a while, this will sound pretty familiar. My process, whatever the name, has always been made up of these 4 parts: calm, connect, limit set, correct. When you practice those 4 pillars, you raise an emotionally healthy kid and you are a connected parent. Let’s walk through them together. CALM Calm is all about the parent and your connection to yourself. The tools, strategies, and concepts under this pillar support your emotional health and your ability to self-regulate. By learning to process your negative emotion, coach yourself through big feelings, and manage your mindset around your kid’s behavior, you will be calm. This is so important (and the first step) because the rest of the parenting pillars are really hard to access if you are not calm and regulated. CONNECT Connect is about connecting your child to themselves. You're teaching your child the connection between what's going on inside of them and how they're acting on the outside. You give them tools to connect how they're behaving to how they're feeling and then coach them to self-regulate. This is one of the main differences between traditional parenting and connected parenting. Traditional parenting is focused only on behavior modification. It doesn’t matter how the parent is acting or if it’s aggressive. It doesn’t matter what is driving that behavior in the child. The focus is solely on behavior and consequences. In connected parenting, we focus on the feelings that are underneath the behavior and on helping our kids learn to cope with their emotions (which means that they don’t need to act out). LIMIT SET Limits connect your child to the boundaries that work within your family. As a connected parent, you will set, communicate, and hold limits. Beyond your family, you’re using boundaries to connect your child to the world - helping them understand how the world works and giving them clear guidance and parameters on which behaviors are okay. This isn't a feelings-only or a behavior-only model. It’s a combination. You can have compassion for your kid and also not give in just because they’re having a big feeling (no way!). Helping them regulate that emotion and having a firm limit helps them to become resilient. CORRECT Correct is where you show your child the...

It happens to us all - You yell, shame, hurt, or otherwise show up in a way you don’t love as a parent. It’s normal to lose it with your kid. It's part of being in a relationship with anybody. There are times when we get upset and create a disconnection, or rupture, with the other person. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward. You’ll Learn: When you create a rupture in your relationship with your child, you first have to forgive yourself. Then, it’s time to apologize and reconnect with your kid. --------------------------------------- You know what this looks like… Your kid keeps complaining about what you’re serving for dinner. Or they keep asking for something over and over, even though you already said no. Or they start hitting their sibling while you’re trying to make an appointment on your phone. You lose your compassion and patience and get angry, overwhelmed, irritated, or frustrated. You get dysregulated, short-tempered, and disrespectful toward your child. It’s normal to lose it with your kid. It's part of being in a relationship with anybody. There are times when we get upset and create a disconnection, or rupture, with the other person. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward. What It Feels Like For Your Kid Children are very self centered. That's their natural way of viewing the world. They're pretty sure the world revolves around them. So when they notice that you’re mad, they will automatically think that they are the reason. And further, they’ll think that something is wrong with who they are. They don’t know how to separate their core self from their behavior yet. They internalize our anger, and it's very easy for them to go into shame. This means that when you yell or get upset, you have to go back and give your child some understanding of why you behaved the way you did. We call this repair. You explain to them that you were in a big feeling cycle, and you didn’t use your tools of taking a pause or deep breathing or moving your body or whatever you typically use to calm yourself. The conversation is about repairing your relationship with your child, as well as their self-esteem and internal self-talk (basically your kid’s relationship with themself). When To Repair Here are some signs that your child might need a repair conversation with you. You might notice that they: When you act out your big feelings on your kid, it activates their stress response. They go into fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn. Anytime you notice that you’ve created a rupture, go make a repair. If you’re at the beginning of your Calm Mama journey, you’ll probably have to do this a lot. You haven’t developed the skills yet, and that’s okay. You are still learning. Another thing to note is that the repair conversation should happen separately from parenting, limit setting, or correction. You might feel tempted to say something to your kid like, “I’m sorry I yelled, but I wouldn’t yell at you if you would just put your pajamas on.” Discussion about your child’s behavior is a whole different conversation. You are responsible for how you respond to misbehavior. Repair is the time for you to fix your mistake and reconnect. How To Apologize and Reconnect with Your Kid Repair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child. You caused a problem with your behavior, and it is your responsibility to make it right. You’re essentially saying to your child, “Hey, I know that happened. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and I’m working on it.” But it’s not enough just to say, “I’m sorry.” We also want our kids to have a chance to talk about how they felt in that moment and have their feelings acknowledged. We want them to understand that your behavior was not about them. Remember, it’s not your kid’s job to forgive you and make you feel better. You have to do that work for yourself first. Take the time...

When you lose your temper with your kid, it doesn’t feel great. But it IS totally normal. Perfection is not possible, in parenting especially. All parents lose their temper and speak or act harshly towards their kids from time to time. You’ll Learn: In this episode, I’m sharing what’s really going on when you lose your temper and what to do after the dust settles. ----------------------------------- When You Lose Your Temper First, let’s get clear on one thing. No one can make you angry. Not even your kid. Anger is an emotion that comes from your thoughts about a situation or behavior. And getting angry isn’t actually the problem. What really matters is how you handle the moments when anger takes over and you lose your temper. These moments are sometimes called “ruptures”, because they interrupt the connection between parent and child. When you speak or act harshly towards your child, you create a negative impact and disconnection in your relationship. Have A Repair Conversation When you do lose your temper, it’s time to take responsibility for your actions and repair the rupture (in the same way we would guide our kids to take responsibility for the impacts of their behavior). "Repair" is the conversation you have with your child in order to mend the disconnection between you. These conversations teach your kids how to resolve conflict, empower them to make mistakes and repair them and create more emotional safety and connection in your home. A repair conversation has three parts: And in between, you hold plenty of space for your child to process and respond. I’ll walk you through these three parts in more detail and show you how to have a repair conversation with your kids that actually restores connection and strengthens your relationships. There is no "right" outcome for these conversations. They can be awkward and don't always go smoothly. But, I promise, the benefits outweigh the discomfort. Listen in to learn how so that you’ll be ready the next time you lose your cool. Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Ever feel like you are a mean mom? The difference between being mean and being firm can be confusing. A lot of moms think that when they are firm with their children, they are being mean. You’ll Learn: Get clear on the difference between being firm and mean and what to do when you’ve actually been mean with your child. ------------------------------------- The Difference Between Being Mean & Firm I want you to know… Being mean is when you hurt your child’s body. It’s when the moment of holding their arm to protect yourself or others becomes you squeezing too hard, or shoving their body away. Being mean with your mouth is when you personalize your kid’s behavior or mistakes and say something about them as a person. There might be a moment or many moments when you’ve been physical with your child in a way that crossed a line. Or moments when you’ve called your child a mean name. Or lectured them into shutdown mode. Cornered them with your rage. What To Do When You’ve Been a Mean Mom As you hear me share examples in this episode, you might be flooded with shame and guilt. The way to get out of that shame and guilt is to talk about these moments. To find out what was going on for you in that moment. To be tender enough with yourself that you can say what you did, and ALSO explore what led up to that moment. You can’t change something if you won’t look at it. The best thing you can do is find your firm, strong, leadership voice as a mom. Get clear on what is and what is not allowed in your family. Be firm, without being harsh. I’ll leave you with this quote from one of my clients who said “Firm limits are the shortcut to the behavior you want without making your kid feel like shit in the process”. Yep. Firm, but not mean. You’ve got this. Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you...

One thing moms struggle with is feeling bad about their progress in becoming calm and showing up calm with their kids. We all know we aren’t at our best when we’re stressed, overwhelmed and reactive. But knowing how to calm down in the moment isn’t always as easy as it sounds. You’ll Learn: I’m walking you through my 3-step process to catch yourself, pause and get back to feeling calm. --------------------------------------- Why Do I Still Get So Mad? All moms experience really tough parenting moments. Moments when you’ve been stuck in what I call Mad Mom Syndrome You know what I'm talking about. Then, when you have a mad mom episode and act in a way you don’t think you should, a lot of criticism, guilt, and doubt pours in. You feel bad that you aren’t calm or think you should be getting there faster. But here’s the thing…Becoming calm is a PROCESS. It’s a PRACTICE. It’s something you work on over time. Some days it’s easy, and some days it isn’t. All of that is ok. These types of moments are a clue that you are in your stress cycle and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Your brain is convinced that the circumstance is an emergency. Then, the brain activates a BIG, INTENSE STRESS RESPONSE. You become super reactive and respond to your children with stress, anxiety, frustration or anger. Then they escalate their stress behaviors and the next thing you know you are in a chaotic argument with your kids. The 3 Stages of Becoming Calm Becoming Calm is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself. When you feel yourself spiraling, CATCH YOURSELF AND PAUSE. This is simple but not easy, and it comes in stages. Stage 1 - The AFTER. When you’re first starting out, you may only catch yourself after you've yelled or gotten upset. Stage 2 - The DURING. After a while, you’ll catch yourself while you are yelling or acting upset. Stage 3 - The BEFORE. Eventually you start to catch yourself before you yell or act out your frustration/overwhelm. This is the goal that you’re working towards. No matter what stage you’re in, to get out of Mad Mom Syndrome and get back to feeling calm, you need the Pause Break. There are also 3 steps to the Pause Break: Step 1: STOP Don't Talk. Don't Engage. You can stop yourself at any point when you notice you are in your stress response and are seeing signs of Mad Mom Syndrome. Step 2: DELAY Don’t decide. Don’t act. Don't do anything about the situation (unless it’s a true emergency). Give yourself time to think and get calm. Step 3: RESET Actively do something to calm your stress response. During a "Reset", you will move your body,

In this episode I’m sharing with you my definition of CALM and giving you my go-to strategy for getting to calm using a tool I call The Pause Break. You’ll Learn: The Pause Break allows you to access calm, even in the middle of a moment when you feel overwhelmed or angry. ---------------------------------------- Before we get to that, let’s talk about what the absence of calm looks like. I know you’ve been there, and so have I. Get Calm with the Pause Break Showing up when you aren’t feeling calm looks a little different for everyone, but you might find yourself: …generally acting in ways you don’t love. When you have a mad mom episode, it’s easy to beat yourself up and tell yourself things like I’m a bad mom or I’m messing up my kids. Which makes you feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated and confused. The more negative thoughts you have, the more defeated, discouraged, and guilty you will feel. And when you feel bad, it’s hard to change your behavior. So you end up yelling again. I call this Mad Mom Syndrome, and it is a vicious cycle of negative thoughts leading to negative feelings leading to negative actions and then back again. So how do you break that cycle? That’s what we’re diving into for these 30 minutes. The Pause Break is the single most important tool I teach. It is where all of your personal growth happens. It’s the space where change occurs. If you only take one thing away from this podcast episode, I hope it’s this: You can always take a PAUSE BREAK. It’s the first, and most important, step towards CALM. Listen to the full...

Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past. You’ll Learn: Please note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself. --------------------------------------- My best friend, Tiffany Howsam, is here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey. How Trauma Informed My Parenting When my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time. There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help. One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked. As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control. I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe. This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance, When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow. As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do. There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for. How I’m Healing From Childhood Trauma There are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress. A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it. As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines...

In order to feel less stressed (and stop yelling), you've got to learn to understand and care for your nervous system. You’ll Learn: I’m zooming out to talk about the bigger picture of your entire central nervous system. And I’ll show you how you can use your own nervous system to calm yourself more quickly. ------------------------------------------- Your Nervous System Explained There are two main parts of your nervous system. The first is your sympathetic nervous system. You might also have heard this talked about as your fight/flight/freeze/faint/fawn response). The second part is your parasympathetic nervous system, which includes the vagus nerve. The two parts work together to help you respond to stressful situations and then decrease that stress response, kinda like a teeter totter. One is activated at a time, while the other is decreased. Think of your nervous system as an information highway running through your body at all times. It takes in information through your senses and tells the brain how to respond to what you are experiencing. Neurons (brain cells) carry this message all throughout your body. If your brain interprets any of this information as dangerous, it triggers your stress response and activates the sympathetic nervous system. To your brain, a threat can be something like a kid spitting in your face or getting a bad grade or spilling juice all over the table. Stress juice floods your body, giving you the oomph to respond to the danger. When your stress response is activated, there is a period of time where you aren’t able to regulate your nervous system. When that threat has passed, you start to come back online and your parasympathetic nervous system comes into play. The parasympathetic nervous system is your best friend when it comes to managing your stress response. It has its own network of nerves and helps relax your body after periods of stress or danger. It typically activates on its own after a stressor, but when we have triggers coming at us all the time (like in parenting life), it gets weakened and doesn’t respond as well. That’s why you need tools to reset the system on your own. When we talk about calm and taking pause breaks to reset, the parasympathetic nervous system is the piece that we’re resetting. Chronic Stress Your stress response is healthy and necessary. But often, our brains misinterpret things (like spilled juice being a life-or-death emergency). Parenting is a lot. What ends up happening is that you have a lot of demands and stressors coming at you one after the next, and you don't always have enough time to recover from them. This causes us to be chronically stressed. We constantly have stress juice pouring through our bodies, and it makes it really difficult to stay calm. This is what’s going on when you find yourself getting angry and annoyed about every single thing your kid does. You’ve probably been in an activated stress response for a while, so you are dysregulated. As a mom, you’re dealing with stressors all day long, especially if you have more than one kid. But there are little breaks in between. Our goal is to practice getting ourselves into the parasympathetic nervous system so that we can more easily recover from stress. We want that teeter totter to go easily up and down so that we flow smoothly between the two states of stress and non-stress. The way to do this is to...

I want to let you in on a little secret. You don’t yell because there’s something wrong with you (or your kids). You yell as a response to stress and what your brain perceives as a threatening situation. In this episode, I’m talking about the stress cycle - what it looks like, why it happens and how it shows up in your parenting. You’ll Learn: But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. Let’s break the cycle. ------------------------------------ Before we get into the details, I want you to first imagine walking your dog at night and seeing a pack of coyotes. They start chasing you. Your brain activates the stress response, quickly assesses the threat and decides that you should RUN. You get back home, come in and close the door. You are technically safe, but your body doesn’t know that yet. It still has all of the stress juice running through your system. Once you are inside and safe, it’s time to deal with the stress that has accumulated in your body. You do that by getting your breath back, telling someone what happened, getting a hug, shaking, crying. Stress cycle complete. YAY! Now imagine that instead you come inside, but before you get a chance to deal with the stress juice, there is a new stressor. You walk into the house and your kids are arguing and your husband is yelling at them. Then you head to the kitchen and notice the dishes piled in the sink and there isn’t any meat thawed for dinner. Stressful situations keep popping up and the stress juice continues building up inside you. 2 key parts of the stress cycle Notice that there are two parts of the story above: the actual threat of the coyotes and what happens after. The stressor. The stressor is the external situation that is happening around you. This can look like your child screaming, crying, being aggressive, arguing with you, peppering you with questions, blaming you for things, etc. The stress response. This is the stress juice. It’s a sort of chemical cocktail of hormones and neurochemicals that course through your body and create your stress response. And it’s not a bad thing. It helps us respond to our environment and keep ourselves safe. But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. When stress juice builds up in you and isn’t released, it can make you more reactive, less effective and clouds your thinking. The problem many parents face is that we are constantly surrounded by stressors, but we don't give ourselves a chance to release the stress juice and reset. Sometimes, we don’t even realize that stress is building up inside of us. We think we’re handling things well until something unexpectedly sends us over the edge. Parenting stress cycles Think about some of the stressors above. If you were out in the world and another adult was screaming at you or being aggressive toward you, it would likely mean that you are in a threatening situation and that you need to do something to protect yourself. So when your kid is screaming, crying or complaining, your brain can’t tell the difference. It thinks you’re being attacked, and your stress response is activated. Aggressive behavior isn’t the only thing that triggers us, though. You might also notice yourself reacting to things like dilly dallying, rudeness, bad grades or your kid just being grumpy. These behaviors activate us because we feel we’re being threatened not physically, but socially. As a community-based species, we fear rejection from...

“Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” is a phrase I use often in my coaching. When you say it out loud, it captures that feeling we have as parents when our kids behave in a way that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, angry or worried. In this episode,you’ll learn: What I hope you take away from this episode is it's actually good for kids to feel upset and have you be okay with their feelings. You do not need to fix your kid’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them. ---------------------------------------- "Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it" is an emotional and physical response to what our kids are doing, and our brain jumps in and tries to fix, change, stop or solve the situation. Your Kid’s Big Feelings The most common time I see parents experience this reaction is during a Big Feeling Cycle. When your kid has big feelings, they might express them in ways that are overwhelming to you. The tendency is often to try to shut down their behavior. But because that behavior is a reaction to how they’re feeling, we end up shutting down their feelings, too. The problem with jumping in to fix/change/stop/solve is that you miss an opportunity to connect with your kids and to help them connect with themselves and learn how to process their own negative emotion. What “Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” Looks Like Here are some things I see parents do when they don’t like the way their child is expressing their emotion. Minimizing. When our kids are upset, we want to say, “Oh honey, it’s not that big of a deal. It’ll work out.” This sounds like a nice thing to say, but your child is left feeling like you don’t understand. It feels like a really big deal to them. We want to validate the emotion and acknowledge the intensity of their feelings instead of minimizing it. Comparing. This looks like, “This sort of thing happens all the time,” or, “Other kids don’t complain about this,” or “This wasn’t a big deal to your brother.” It happens when you think their feelings aren’t warranted or justified. We’re trying to get them to think and feel differently but, again, we’re doing it by shutting down their feelings. Ignoring. There might be times when you need to take a break to calm yourself before dealing with a situation. Ignoring is different. This is another way of shutting your kid down, and it makes them feel unheard, unfelt, unseen and unvaluable. Your child might think, “Mom only wants to talk to me when I’m happy.” Talking about their feelings is how they’ll learn to deal with them. Weaponizing gratitude. Gratitude is an incredible emotion. I love it. Weaponizing gratitude is when we use it to bypass negative emotion. You cannot get rid of sadness by thinking grateful thoughts. We have to feel the sadness (or anger or worry) and acknowledge it before we allow the brain to find another perspective. Indulging. Sometimes, you might try to change the circumstance to make your kid feel better. Maybe you tell them they can skip practice or promise to go get ice cream afterwards. Instead of letting them feel upset, indulging tries to give them a positive feeling so they forget about the uncomfortable feeling. Logic-ing. This looks like...

Today I’m talking about misbehavior and the #1 reason it is so hard for parents. Misbehavior creates a lot of conflict in families. It’s one of the main reasons parents yell. You’ll Learn: If you’ve ever thought “If they would just listen and stop acting out, I wouldn’t have to yell!” this episode is for you! ----------------------------------------- Maybe your brain has offered you the solution of getting your kids to behave better by having more rules and more limits and more consequences. By being more strict. Many parents think the answer to misbehavior is in having better routines, or being more consistent, or being more firm. The problem with this solution is that it doesn’t address the roots of misbehavior. In this episode, I’m sharing why it’s so triggering and upsetting for you, and some concrete and practical steps to handling misbehavior without resorting to lecturing, avoiding, yelling, threatening or shaming. Surprise! It all starts in your brain. As a parent, your child’s behavior often activates your stress response. Your brain wants to INTERPRET your kid’s behavior as a DANGER to your physical or emotional safety. It will TRICK you into thinking that your kid’s behavior is a threat to you. It will tell you that you need to protect yourself. Get bigger. Get louder. Fight back. Run away. And that can make it hard to remain calm. But when you can understand what’s driving the behavior and view it as an opportunity rather than a problem, you can head off the stress response and feel more calm in the situation. Related Episodes: Episode 62 Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today’s episode is the final installment of a series on setting (and achieving!) your goals. This week, we’re talking about making an action plan - one that you’ll actually follow through on. In this episode, I’m walking you through how to tackle a goal that is challenging for a lot of moms - simplifying weeknight dinners. You’ll Learn: If you missed either of the previous episodes, go back and listen to the first two episodes about defining your goal and solving for obstacles. And be sure to grab the free workbook here. ----------------------------------------- I once read that former Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, decided to go back to college when she had three small children. She did all of her schoolwork while in the car waiting for them at pickup. Proof that big goals are achieved through manageable, consistent actions. Throughout this series, I’ve used the example of my own 2026 goal to publish a book to illustrate this goal process. Today, I’m tackling a goal that is a little more relatable for most moms - simplifying weeknight dinners. 3 Steps to Defining Your Plan Step 1: Do a brain dump Start by rewriting your goal, so you’ll keep it top of mind. Then, write down anything you can think of that will help you make progress toward your goal. What are all the things you could do in order to make your goal happen? Brain dumps are the time to get EVERYTHING out on paper. There are no bad ideas in this stage. No editing, just brainstorming. Think about what will keep you accountable, too. When I started my podcast, one of my action items was to share my goal with others. Don’t keep your goal a secret. When other people know what you’re working toward, they can check in and cheer you on. Step 2: Choose your first small step Emphasis on SMALL. The goal here is to start taking action without getting overwhelmed. Taking the first step will help you build momentum to keep going. When in doubt, start small - small, simple actions, small chunks of time. These are much easier to stick to than big, lofty goals that leave you with a feeling of dread. Step 3: Chunk your goal into phases There are a few phases that are common to most goals. They’ll look different depending on what you’re working toward, but the overall concept is the same. In the beginning of a goal, you probably won’t be sure what to do or which approaches will work best for you. There’s a lot to figure out, and your actions will take longer at the beginning. As you continue taking action, you’ll build routines and momentum, until your goal starts to feel easy.

Welcome to part 2 of the Goal Setting Series! Last week, I walked you through how to figure out what you want and clearly define your goal. Today, we’re talking about defining and overcoming obstacles on the way to your goal. I’ll share some common obstacles, as well as really tangible strategies to help you overcome them. You’ll Learn: Obstacles are inevitable whenever you are achieving something big (or even something small). By preparing for setbacks, you’ll be less likely to get discouraged and thrown off course. If you haven’t already grabbed your copy of the free Goals Workbook, click here to get it and follow along. --------------------------------------------- I’m using my 2026 goal of publishing a book as an example throughout this series. This is a goal I’ve wanted to achieve for a long time, and I have PLENTY of evidence of the obstacles that have prevented me from achieving this goal in the past. Common Obstacles to Achieving a Goal There are 5 obstacles that I’ve seen come up in myself and others over and over again. They are: The good news is that these are all solvable! You just have to be committed and have some helpful tools and strategies ready to go. Obstacle #1: Belief Your thoughts about yourself, your goal, and what's possible for you play a major role in whether or not you achieve your goals. We know that thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to action. That means that if you don’t have belief in yourself and your goal, you’re way less likely to take the actions needed to achieve it. Some of the negative thoughts that creep up can be sneaky. Watch out for ones like: Just because these thoughts pop up, it doesn’t mean they’re true! Strategies to Build Belief This first strategy is one of my favorites, and I do it often. I call it an “I love you” letter. Sit down and write yourself an encouraging letter, as if your best friend is talking to you. Or your purest...

Are you already thinking about things that you want to achieve or create in 2026? For me, it’s publishing my book (eek!). In that spirit, today kicks off a brand-new 3-part series all about getting what you want, prioritizing yourself and your goals, and making good things happen. We’re starting at the beginning - defining your goals. Because you can’t get what you want if you don’t know what it is! You’ll Learn: This episode will show you how to figure out what you want and define it in a specific, real, and accessible way. Click here to get the free goal-setting workbook. --------------------------------------- How To Reach Your Goals Throughout this series, I’m walking you through the 4 main steps I take when I am working toward a goal. This has worked for me to build my business, start a podcast, and achieve many other things in my life. Here are the 4 steps: I’ll go into each step in much more detail, but here is what you need to know upfront. In order to take action and achieve your goal, you have to prioritize your goal. You have to commit, to say “yes” to your goal and your action plan over and over again. And in order to prioritize one thing, you will have to deprioritize other things. The truth is that you have a limited amount of time available to you. If you want to give more time to your goal, you’ll have to make some difficult decisions about where your time is going. Now, let’s take the first step and define your goal. Defining Your Goal Here are 3 strategies (and a fun bonus exercise) to help you get clear on your goal. I’ll use my goal of publishing a book as an example as we go through this process. Goal Guidelines Make it specific. If your goal is too generic (e.g. I want to lose weight), it can be hard to make a clear plan, stay committed, or to even know if you’ve reached the goal. My current goal is to publish my book before the end of 2026. There are two things that make this goal specific for me. One is the timeline. The other is a shift in wording from “writing” a book to “publishing” a book. Why is this important? Because I have had the goal of writing my book many times. I actually have written the book many times in many forms. But I have never actually sent a draft to the publisher (even though I have one ready and waiting). I have been NOT doing this for 3 years now. I have a lot of fears and overwhelm around this goal, so I have continued to put it off and prioritize other things. No more. So get specific. How much?How many pounds do you want to lose? What size clothing do you want to wear?What does that mean? How many clients do you want? How much profit do you want to earn?When do you want your shop to be up and running? What will you sell? How many items do you want to sell? And give yourself a timeline. WHEN do you want to have achieved your goal? Make it manageable. Your goal doesn’t have to be something grandiose. In order for you to take action, it has to feel...

When a kid has experienced trauma, their nervous system often fires in ways that are unpredictable, intense, and challenging. Today, my guest Jamie C. Finn is sharing trauma-informed parenting techniques to help you and your child be better regulated. You’ll Learn: We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Whether your child has experience trauma or not, I know you’ll love this episode! -------------------------------------- I invited Jamie to the podcast because she is a foster parent, an adoptive parent, and a parent of children she has birthed (7 kids total!). And she has a lot of experience raising kids who are neurodivergent and have a history of trauma. We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Jamie C. Finn has written 3 books: Foster the Family, Filled, and God Loves Kids. She is also the founder and president of Foster the Family, a national nonprofit that serves vulnerable children and the families welcoming them, as well as the founder of the Filled Gathering, the largest gathering of foster and adoptive moms in the world. Meet Jamie C. Finn Jamie’s family started out as something pretty conventional, but has grown into so much more. 11 years ago, she and her husband had 2 kids - one boy, one girl - living the American dream. Today, they have 7 children ranging in age from 2 to almost 17, including 4 kids that they adopted through foster care, and 1 in a current foster placement. She says it became a life of “keeping our doors open to kids who need us.” She came from a background of conservative, traditional, gospel-centered Christian parenting. And while Jamie still draws heavily from her faith and religion, her approach has changed drastically over the years. The first parent training she ever went to was very authoritarian, and she was immediately uncomfortable with the strategies she was being taught. But Jamie’s first trauma-informed training opened her eyes to a whole new way of thinking about her kids and their behavior. She was amazed to learn that a trauma-informed approach also worked with her biological child who struggled with ADHD and anxiety. She says, “This isn't just about trauma. This is about seeing our kids’ brains and meeting our kids where they are.” It’s not about getting immediate obedience. It’s more like saying, “My heart is for you and I'm with you and I want you to be able to succeed in obedience.” She’s now been on a journey for the past 11 years of learning to love and parent her children well and helping other families to do the same. The Power of Curiosity When I looked up “trauma-informed parenting”, I found that it was “based on the concept that behaviors are often windows into underlying emotions or unmet needs.” And I thought, well that just sounds like human-informed parenting to me. To some extent, Jamie agrees. She says that she doesn’t change the way she parents based on whether a kid has experienced trauma or not. She still wants to understand the need and how she can help them meet it. However, she believes that the curiosity goes deeper in a trauma-informed approach, especially when you don’t have the child’s full history. She says, “It leads to curiosity, which leads to generosity, which leads to meeting that need.” This curiosity can almost be harder to access with...