Become A Calm Mama

When we set out to create positive change and healing in our lives, those actions must come from a place of love and trust in ourselves. The key is practicing radical acceptance of ourselves and our circumstances. In this episode, you’ll learn: The faster you can accept the hard things in life as reality, the faster you will be able to get into action and take the next right step. ------------------------------------------- As you move through your healing journey, you may have experienced times when you made a decision to change something in your life. You made a checklist or a set of rules to follow, but then you didn’t end up making as much progress as you wanted. You thought you just must not be good at healing or taking control of your life, so you gave up. Often, this happens because your actions are rooted in shame, guilt, buffering, or trying to avoid pain. To make positive change, you have to come from a positive place. This starts with our previous steps of radical self-love, self-trust, honesty, and listening. The next step in the hierarchy of healing is to accept where you are, accept your current circumstances. Radical Acceptance Acceptance is the idea that you are okay with what’s happening in the present moment. You don’t need to judge the moment or your behavior. It’s saying, “This is the way things are right now and that's okay.” We’re often afraid to fully accept our circumstances because we think that if we’re okay with how things are, it implies that we don’t care. That we’re powerless, defeated, and we’ll never take action to improve or grow. But the opposite is true. Acceptance is not about excusing yourself from responsibility or giving up. In fact, the faster you accept your current reality, the easier it will be for your nervous system to calm down and to problem solve. It will be easier for you to show compassion to yourself and get into action. It reminds me of the Buddhist saying that “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” There are facts, and there are our interpretations of the facts. Often, it’s what we make things mean that hurts us the most. And it is entirely unnecessary. Imagine that you’re sitting in horrible traffic. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable to be sitting there waiting for so long. But when you become frustrated, angry, and try to resist it, that’s where suffering comes in. You are adding more pain to the moment. Instead, you can choose to accept that there is always a lot of traffic on that particular road, you plan for it, and take different actions (e.g. driving a different route or leaving earlier). When we struggle because we believe something should be different from how it is, we’re fighting reality. When we resist our feelings, ourselves, and our experience, we create suffering. Acceptance is going with the flow, and it’s what you see in people that seem to be at peace, even when things are chaotic. Accepting Other People’s Behavior Radical acceptance applies to other people’s behavior, as well. Maybe your spouse or partner committed to doing something and didn’t follow through. Or your kids are misbehaving. You can choose to accept that they are acting the way they’re acting. Of course, as parents, we also have a responsibility to teach our kids better ways to behave, manage their feelings, get their needs met, and demonstrate their emotions. So, we do have to take action (more on that next week). For example, you’re going...

My healing journey began as a 19 year old, wandering drunk and alone on a beach in San Felipe, Mexico. This is the story of my first attempt at healing and what I learned early on.

Welcome to part 4 of the How To Heal series. In this episode about radical listening, you’ll learn strategies for listening more carefully and trusting your intuition and inner wisdom so that you can build a better relationship with your core self. You’ll Learn: The closer you move to your authentic, core self, the more content you will feel. This truest version of you feels peace no matter what is happening. ------------------------------------- Healing is really about wanting to feel better. To feel freedom, joy, gratitude, peace, safety, and calm. To be kinder to yourself, become a good friend to yourself, notice your patterns, and make small changes to influence them. Those are our goals here. As my mentor, Martha Beck, says, “Your true nature, the part of you that always remembers what it is meant to be and never stops trying to be what it is, no matter what happens to her. Your birthright is to feel peace and joy and gratitude and love. And in your core, you carry all of that.” Radical Listening The goal of radical listening is to find your inner guidance to move away from the patterns that you've created to protect you from pain and toward new patterns that help you get what you actually want. We all have patterns in ways that we think, feel, and act. We need to look at them and ask ourselves where they’re coming from. Are you trying to avoid pain? Are these patterns protecting you, or are they sabotaging you because you don’t think you’re worthy of feeling freedom, love, peace, and joy? The statements we’re working with as we learn to radically listen are: I will listen to my needs and wants and see those as valid and important. I will listen to my intuition and trust my inner wisdom. Who Are You Listening To? When you practice radical listening, you are having a conversation with yourself. But who are you talking to? In his book No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz outlines four parts that live within each of us: Your Inner Child You may have wounds or patterns that you developed in childhood. These were really important to you as a kid, but they might not be necessary now. These wounds are often based on attachment or authenticity. Perhaps you were conditioned in childhood to believe that you don’t matter or that your needs aren’t important. Or your need for security and attachment wasn’t met, so you didn’t feel safe. You may have been told all sorts of negative things about yourself. Or you were taught that you had to look or perform a certain way in order to be loved, valued, and accepted. For example, I grew up in a household where it often felt like there wasn’t a grown up. As a result, I developed patterns of hypervigilance, overthinking, overplanning, overstructuring, and then getting easily dysregulated when things weren't going to my plan. Now that I am the adult, I’ve had to teach myself (and my inner child) that I am safe. The grown-ups are here. Were you taught that your value depended on your grades, performance in sports, or how nice you were? Did you hear that you were dumb, ugly, mean, selfish, lazy, rude, or a problem? What messages did you hear in childhood that you might still be acting out today? Maybe it’s time to look at those messages and examine them. Where’s the evidence? Your Pain Our wounds and patterns can also come from culture - religion,...

In this third installment of the How to Heal series, I’m talking about radical honesty - why it’s important, what happens when we’re not honest with ourselves, and how to get more honest. You’ll Learn: You can't heal from anything until you’re aware of what it is that is causing you pain. Listen to learn how. --------------------------------- In this healing process, we’re trying to tap into our most pure state of being, where we have a deep sense of peace and wholeness so that we can be okay no matter what is happening around us. Why Honesty Matters You can't heal from anything until you’re aware of what it is that is causing you pain. Often, we are unwilling to look at our patterns and our pain because it creates a discomfort in us that we don't know if we can handle. But the truth is, what you resist persists. If you resist your pain, it will stay. Being willing to really look at ugly, hard, difficult things about ourselves and our lives requires us to be radically honest with ourselves. Ultimately, you’re healing yourself so that you don’t harm your kids. Because, in full love and safety, yelling at your kid, shutting down, or being rough with their body hurts them. I want your children to grow up and not have to heal from childhood wounds. Now, everyone is gonna get hurt in childhood. In life, pain is inevitable. It's how we deal with pain, how we talk about pain, and how honest we are that actually creates the healing in real time. When you start to get honest with yourself, you’ll probably start to notice some clues. Thinking negatively and critically of yourself… Feeling despair, discontentment, discomfort, anger, resentment, confusion, or lack of clarity … Behaving in ways that hurt you or others (like your kids)... These are all really good indicators that you might have something to heal from. Why Honesty Is So Hard I think of radical honesty as being willing to admit how you are thinking, feeling, and acting - even when it’s uncomfortable. Being honest about your pain is the key to healing your pain. So, if honesty is so important, why aren’t we honest with ourselves and each other about our pain? We often don’t even realize how cruel we’re being to ourselves with our thoughts, we don’t understand why we’re feeling or acting the way we are. We also live in a society that tells us we should be happy all the time (good vibes only😒). And we’ve taken a lovely thing like gratitude and weaponized it as a way to bypass negative emotion. Maybe you feel ashamed if things aren’t going well - embarrassed because you think you should have it all together. Sometimes, we’re scared to get honest about what we’re really thinking and feeling, especially if they’re negative thoughts about our kids or our life. We’re afraid that if we have a problem, we won’t be able to fix it - and we also won’t be able to ignore it anymore. And what I see more than anything is that most people are simply unaware. They’re just not paying attention. They're going through life a little bit unhappy, a little bit dissatisfied. It’s all just kinda meh. Sometimes it all feels too big to deal with, so we avoid feeling the pain by shutting off awareness. Pushing the pain away actually blocks you from getting a life filled with hope, healing, love, joy, peace, and all the things we...

This is part two in my How to Heal series. Today, we’re talking about radical self trust and how to build more confidence and trust in yourself. You’ll Learn: When I think about trust, I believe the entry point is when you have an experience of feeling really safe with somebody. So, let me ask you… Is there anyone in your life that you feel completely safe with? That you can say or admit anything to (even the shameful, embarrassing, negative things), and you trust that they can handle your vulnerability with unconditional love? In this episode, I’m going to help you become that person for yourself. So even when the hard stuff comes up, you know that your love for yourself will never change. ------------------------------------ How to Heal is a 6-part journey for healing from emotional pain, figuring out what’s not working in your life so that you can make small changes to be less reactive, feel happier, and show up as the Calm Mama I know you want to be. What Are You Healing From? In this context, I'm talking about healing from emotional pain - going back and looking at moments in the past when your core emotional or physical needs were not met. Understanding these core emotional needs is also super helpful as a parent. These are tools to help you heal your past and parent your child in the present so that they don’t have the same wounds to heal from. The core emotional needs are really questions we’re trying to answer: Am I safe?Am I loved unconditionally? they When you experience moments where you feel unsafe or unloved, core wounds can form, and they show up later in our behaviors. There were definitely times in my own life when I did not feel safe. I experienced abandonment when my dad left our family. I experienced sexual abuse as a child. My mother had depression and undiagnosed ADHD, so she was not always available for me and sometimes chose men that were not safe for me. I started to decide that the world is not safe. When I looked around, I saw that adults were unreliable. They hurt you. They leave. Later in life, this core wound showed up as hypervigilance, constantly scanning for hazards, being controlling, looking to see if I fit in, and lots of insecurity and anxiety. If you have felt that you aren’t loved unconditionally, you might notice that wound come up as people pleasing, pushing others away, over-performing, perfectionism, or over-planning. We develop these coping strategies, often even in childhood, to help us deal with the pain and discomfort. As a parent, when these old wounds are aggravated by life circumstances or your kid’s behavior, you might find that you react really intensely. Overreaction is a good indication that you have something to heal from. Something is triggering you, and you might want to change your reaction. This is the WHY of healing. You see that you are reacting in ways that create pain for yourself or others. Your past emotional wounds are...

A conversation with Kristin Lafontaine about a time I almost died in the ocean, how Shrek is my life coach, and our messy kitchens

Today’s episode is the start of the How To Heal series here on the podcast. We’re starting with the foundation of it all - radical self love. A person who experiences self love and demonstrates self compassion has less depression, less anxiety, less stress, and less shame. Isn’t that what we all want? You’ll Learn: Radical self love is the foundation of healing. It is vital. It is a gift that you give to yourself. You are entitled to loving yourself and feeling good about yourself, and I want that for you so much. ------------------------------------------ This is such an important topic that I’ve had a lot of feelings come up as I get ready to share this with you - tenderness, insecurity, and impostor syndrome (just to name a few). But the truth is, I’m not trying to solve all of the world’s emotional pain problems. I’m creating this series to share with you my own journey of healing from trauma, uncertainty, and difficult experiences and the things that have been fundamental to me on that journey. Over the course of this series, I’ll help you to: This isn’t about making a huge overhaul of your life. It’s about picking one or two patterns in your life that you want to get curious about and explore…and loving yourself all along the way. Radical Self Love Radical self love is the foundation of healing. It is vital. It is a gift that you give to yourself. You are entitled to loving yourself and feeling good about yourself, and I want that for you so much. Repeat after me: I unconditionally love and accept all the parts of me, no matter how I think, feel, or act. Write this statement down, put it somewhere you’ll see it often, and practice saying it to yourself throughout the week. Then, I challenge you to practice self love through connection and compassion (sound familiar?). Step 1: Recognize the worth of your core self At your core - your essence, your soul, the divinity that lives within you - you are good. You are worthy of love. You are lovable, and you are good enough exactly as you are. Think of a newborn baby. Think of how deserving it is of love and care. There are no expectations of the baby. It doesn't have to prove anything. It doesn't owe anybody anything. It's just this love being. You have that same pure soul inside of you. There is an essence to you that is pure and loving and good. It is worthy of love. It is worthy of being cared for and treated kindly. Step 2: Connect to your core self Unfortunately, we don’t always live in connection to our core self. We have subconscious thoughts and behaviors. Our environment influences how we think, feel, and act (e.g. parents, teachers, peers, religion, childhood experiences, etc.). Sometimes we lose our connection to that core self, and we start using strategies that we think will either help us get better or help protect us. And these strategies aren’t always very loving to ourselves or others. Our thoughts become ruled by our inner critic. Feelings come up that we don’t know what to do with - like anger, hurt, or resentment. We use strategies to soothe, protect, or punish ourselves. You might recognize these as people pleasing, yelling at your kids, overthinking, drinking too much, overworking, buying new things,...

As we approach Valentine's Day and my upcoming series on radical self-love, you are getting a love letter from two life coaches that I recently recorded on accident. What you’ll hear today is a conversation between me and my coach and friend, Kristin Lafontaine, as we talked about what it means to heal yourself from pain, how to regulate your emotions and process hard things. We are two life coaches, two mamas who have been through the ringer…and two people who love you. ❤️ Even if I don't know you, I care about you. I think about you. You are important to me. I want to be a voice of hope and support for you on your journey towards deeper well-being. The upcoming “radical self-love” series is meant to help you: Get a sneak peek in today’s episode, and come back next week as the series kicks off. You’ll Learn: Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

In last week’s episode, I talked about how to forgive yourself when you yell, shame, hurt, or otherwise show up in a way you don’t love as a parent. Today, we’re talking about what comes next - saying “I’m sorry” and having a repair conversation with your child. You’ll Learn: before It’s normal to lose it with your kid. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward. ---------------------------------------------- You know what this looks like… Your kid keeps complaining about what you’re serving for dinner. Or they keep asking for something over and over, even though you already said no. Or they start hitting their sibling while you’re trying to make an appointment on your phone. You lose your compassion and patience and get angry, overwhelmed, irritated, or frustrated. You get dysregulated, short-tempered, and disrespectful toward your child. What It Feels Like For Your Kid Children are very self centered. That's their natural way of viewing the world. They're pretty sure the world revolves around them. So when they notice that you’re mad, they will automatically think that they are the reason. And further, they’ll think that something is wrong with who they are. They don’t know how to separate their core self from their behavior yet. They internalize our anger, and it's very easy for them to go into shame. This means that when you yell or get upset, you have to go back and give your child some understanding of why you behaved the way you did. We call this repair. You explain to them that you were in a big feeling cycle, and you didn’t use your tools of taking a pause or deep breathing or moving your body or whatever you typically use to calm yourself. The conversation is about repairing your relationship with your child, as well as their self-esteem and internal self-talk (basically your kid’s relationship with themself). When To Repair Here are some signs that your child might need a repair conversation with you. You might notice that they: When you act out your big feelings on your kid, it activates their stress response. They go into fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn. Anytime you notice that you’ve created a rupture, go make a repair. If you’re at the beginning of your Calm Mama journey, you’ll probably have to do this a lot. You haven’t developed the skills yet, and that’s okay. You are still learning. Another thing to note is that the repair conversation should happen separately from parenting, limit setting, or correction. You might feel tempted to say something to your kid like, “I’m sorry I yelled, but I wouldn’t yell at you if you would just put your pajamas on.” Discussion about your child’s behavior is a whole different conversation. You are responsible for how you respond to misbehavior. Repair is the time for you to fix your mistake and reconnect. How To Have a Repair Conversation: Saying “I’m Sorry” Repair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child. You caused a problem with your...

A shopping ban?? What!? Yep, this year I'm committed to buying only essentials and not buying stuff online. I'm especially avoiding Amazon! On this episode of Confessions, Danielle Walsmith dive deep into the REASON I'm doing this and all the 'rules' I've created for the shopping ban.

Darlynn shares the story of a big ol' fight she had with Kevin on Thanksgiving. Who knew how bad things could get just by asking "What do you want for thanksgiving dinner?"

I'm the host of the Become a Calm Mama podcast, which is a podcast that is all about parenting and mama mindset and how to get calm and how to get your kids to listen and how to stop feeling like a piece of crap parent. I love that podcast! And I'm going to keep teaching you how to parent and show up as the mom that you want to be week after week. As much as I love talking about parenting, I also love talking about so many other things that I'm interested in. So I decided to start a NEW segment on the Become A Calm Mama podcast called Calm Mama Confessions. On episodes of Calm Mama Confessions, you’ll hear me share things that have been on my mind that are outside of parenting. Calm Mama Confessions is the place where I’ll dive into different experiences I’ve had, things I’m learning, life-situations I’m working though. Some examples could be: Marriage: I've been in a long marriage, and so I've learned a lot about being married. I've been married for twenty seven years so there’s A LOT of wisdom to share about that (and a lot of mistakes). The first episode is all about a BIG FIGHT Kevin and I just had over Thanksgiving about mashed potatoes. Recovering From Childhood Trauma: I also want to go into my backstory a little bit and share how I’ve recovered from a variety of childhood traumas - things I’ve alluded to on the podcast - but haven’t discussed throughout. Like what it meant to have experienced sexual abuse as a child, to experience abandonment, to grow up with a mother who was clinically depressed but untreated, to be poor, tons of stuff around that. Empty Nest & Aging: I now have young adult children, and so I'm thinking about what it means to be an empty nester or a roomier nester. I'm going through menopause, and so I'm talking about hormones with my friends and all the physical changes we're experiencing. Disordered Eating/Body Stuff: As most of you know, I’m in recovery from an eating disorder, so I think a lot about diet and my body and body image and how to heal myself from that. I also love talking about homemaking and money and travel and goals and dreams. In an upcoming episode I share all about my No Buy/Low Buy commitment for 2025. I’ve always got a new goal or challenge or situation I’m diving into. Expect to hear about whatever is going on in my life or whatever experiences I've had or things I've been thinking about that I think might help you feel less alone. There will be a ton of random topics! Also, you won’t just be hearing from me! I’ve had so many amazing conversations with my friends over the years that have changed me, that have informed me, that have helped me grow or understand something about myself. That’s why I'm inviting some of my dearest friends to be on this new podcast to talk with me about a variety of topics. This is the podcast for you… New episodes will drop whenever I feel like it. There won't be a regular schedule so be sure to subscribe to the podcast to get notified of new episodes of Com Mama Confessions. I hope Calm Mama Confessions brings you a smile, a laugh, a big AHA, and is an inspiration to become more and more YOU everyday.

None of us is perfect. Not your kids, and not you. We all mess up, lose our cool and act in ways we aren’t proud of. It’s normal to feel guilty after you blow up on your kid, but there is a path back to connection. It starts with learning how to forgive yourself. You’ll Learn: before When moms come to me worried that they’re messing up or traumatizing their kids, it’s often because of a few isolated experiences of them losing themselves in an angry moment and acting in a way that they don't love, like shaming their kid, name calling, being threatening, acting in a way that causes fear and pain for their child. Afterward, they feel this overwhelming regret, guilt, and fear that they have done permanent damage. But these isolated moments don’t define you as a mom. The only thing you need to do now is attune and repair. This idea is so simple, so beautiful, and absolutely true. ------------------------------------------- Guilt, Remorse, and Repair When you have a rupture with your kid and you show up in a way that doesn't feel good, or you end up not connecting with them when they're doing a bid for connection, and they feel hurt and sad, you probably feel really bad. It feels existentially wrong when we cause our children pain. You had a big feeling cycle, you weren’t calm and emotionally regulated, and mama had a meltdown. After this happens, it’s normal to feel yucky. It’s also important to have a conversation with your child to reconnect and repair the relationship. When you repair, you’re helping your child make sense of what happened when you yelled, shamed or otherwise caused them fear or pain. It helps them to understand that the way you acted wasn’t about them. It was about you. But before you do this, you need to deal with your guilt. If you go into the conversation feeling like a monster or like something must be wrong with you, your kid is going to feel like they have to convince you that you’re not a monster. You can’t rely on your child’s forgiveness to make you feel better. That’s not their job. It’s your job to deal with your guilt and shift to remorse. Guilt can be informative. Guilt is when you realize, “I’ve done something wrong.” But when we focus only on guilt, we can feel really alone and ashamed of ourselves. It is a self-centered feeling that keeps you focused on worthlessness and self-loathing. Guilt can keep you stuck in a destructive cycle of, “I’m a bad mom,” “I’m not good at this,” or “Something’s wrong with me.” It will keep you from actually taking action to make things right. I’m here to tell you that you are not a bad person or a bad mom. You had a moment of overwhelm. You are a human, and you're going to have human reactions. So rather than guilt, let’s shift toward remorse. Remorse takes it a step further to, “I have regret. I did something wrong, and I don’t like that I did it.” From this place, you can process those yucky feelings and start to make amends. How To Forgive Yourself The keys to self-forgiveness are to separate the behavior from your core self and to have compassion for yourself and the feelings that led to the behavior. When you act in a way that you don't love, you are acting that way because of your own emotional needs, because of something that's going on inside of you. The temporary overwhelm, anger, resentment or frustration that you felt and acted out is not YOU. You are not a bad person, you had a bad moment. You are a human who had a human reaction. One of the...

If you feel worried about messing up your kid, today’s episode is for you. I’m teaching you how practicing attunement will help you build a more connected relationship with your child and create emotional health within them. You’ll Learn: As moms, we feel really scared that we’re going to mess up our kids. This is a normal fear, and it comes up because you really care a lot. You want to do a good job and raise emotionally healthy kids. Attunement is a big way that we do this. Listen to learn how. ----------------------------------- What Is Attunement? Emotional health and feeling secure are rooted in having a strong attachment with your parent. So, the way to trauma-proof your child is through attunement, which is about seeing them and soothing them. In the Calm Mama Process of Calm, Connect, Limit Set, Correct, attunement the “Connect” step. When we talk about validating emotion, we're talking about attunement. In this process, you are becoming aware of your child's emotional state. If they're misbehaving, crying, asking for something - whatever you’re seeing on the outside, you are also trying to figure out what might be going on on the inside. You’re understanding that your child has an inner life. They're walking through the world experiencing something. They have their own thoughts, feelings, reactions, and a perspective on life. When you are regularly attuning to your child, they feel safe and secure. And from that secure place, they are willing to trust others, to be vulnerable, to take risks, to grow, to change, to self-reflect, to have self compassion - all these traits that are part of being an emotionally healthy person. Attunement also normalizes emotions, creates a shame-free environment for processing negative emotion, and helps your child become more self-aware (another key for emotional health). Of course, there are no guarantees. There are always factors that are out of our control. But generally speaking, the more secure a child’s attachment is with their parent, the more likely they are to have an emotionally healthy life. As we talk about attunement, the goal is not for you to do a, b, and c to make sure your kid turns out okay. It’s an opportunity to look at yourself and decide how you want to show up as a parent and what kind of strategies you want to use in your family. Practicing Attunement Being seen and validated is really, really powerful. And a little bit of attunement goes a long way toward compliance. Not only is it an effective parenting strategy, but it’s also helpful for your kid in the long term. It models the process of emotional regulation. You help them understand the messy inside feelings. You give them language to communicate it and to cope with it. When you do this over and over again, your child eventually learns how to do that for themselves. Step 1: See. Attunement starts by just paying attention - looking at your child’s behavior and wondering what could be going on underneath. You’ll see clues like their behavior, body language, or words. Your role as a parent is to try to slip into their narrative, their emotional state. Then, you can respond to that emotional state and try to help them through it. Step 2: Soothe. When your child is in distress or having a negative experience, they need soothing. Sometimes this is as simple as communicating to them, “You are not alone. I see you. I’m here to support...

The recent fires in Los Angeles (not far from where I live) have me thinking a lot about resilience. As I hear more and more stories of families who are displaced, who have lost their homes, I’m overwhelmed by thoughts of the resilience that these individuals, families, and communities will need in order to recover. You’ll Learn: When we experience adversity, it’s almost like we’re being forged in a fire to become stronger and more beautiful. So as parents, how can we develop resilience in our kids so that they can overcome adversity and hard things throughout their lives? ----------------------------------------- Preventing Pain We want our children to face disappointment with bravery, courage, and strength. But at the same time, we often try to prevent them from ever experiencing hardship. When your kid is struggling, you might feel guilty because you see their discomfort as a kind of failure on your part. Try shifting your thinking to, “Hard things are gonna be inevitable, and my job is not necessarily to prevent those things. My job is to equip my child so that they are able to experience pain, discomfort, and hardship, and overcome it so that they become more and more resilient.” Another big reason why parents don’t like their kids to experience hardship is because they feel ill-equipped to deal with their child’s big feelings (and the crying and complaining that come with it). Parents even fear that going through hard things will “break” their kids. The truth is, humans aren’t actually that breakable. And you can’t prevent your kids from ever getting hurt or going through tough things. Even if you did it “perfectly”, it is impossible to stop anything bad from ever happening to your child. And you’ll burn yourself out in the process. Kids are going to face challenges from potty training accidents to not getting into the college of their choice and many, many experiences in between. Life is filled with beauty and pain and loss. Hard things and really beautiful things. In fact, you don’t really even want to protect your kids from all hardship. Preventing problems (or trying to) creates a different set of problems. It’s important for our kids to experience small disappointments so that they feel confident in their ability to overcome those hard things. Give them your support, care, and love through tough times. Resilience is really all about this internal belief that’ “I'm okay. I can handle it. I'm good enough. I can figure things out.” It's a mindset that comes from the inside. If you let your kids go through little hardships as they age - struggling to put on their shoes, going back up to the bedroom and remaking their bed, losing their water bottle and having to pay $10 to buy a new one - it will give them that inner belief that they can handle it. Building Resilience It’s natural for big feelings to come along with a difficult or uncomfortable situation. Processing feelings allows us to overcome them. When you give your kids space to cry, to grieve, to be sad, mad, hurt, frustrated, or afraid, their nervous system will find its way back to equanimity, balance, and calm. You can give them the tools to process those negative emotions. Don’t rush to problem solving or finding the silver lining. Building resilience really comes from allowing the pain, hurt, sadness, anger, or frustration to be fully digested and processed by the nervous system. Trust that your child can handle those feelings. If it seems that your...

There are so many options out there for sports and extracurriculars for kids…and so many questions that come with them. Should you have your kids play sports? When? Should you make them stick with something they hate? The list goes on and on. You’ll Learn: Today, I’ll give you some guidance on all of these questions. And we’re not just talking about sports. Whether it’s football, gymnastics, music, religious education, learning a new language (or pretty much anything else you can come up with), this episode will help you decide what’s best for your child and your family. ----------------------------------------- Formal vs. Free Play One important distinction to make between kids’ activities is whether it is formal (i.e. structured and usually adult led) or free play (open, freely chosen and participant led). Lego is a good example. Using instructions to build a kit is an example of formal play, whereas making their own creations from a bunch of random blocks is free play. Free play is play without a purpose in mind. Think Hot Wheels, playing with dolls, pretending to cook, having a party with stuffed animals, etc. It’s all just for fun. They’re not trying to achieve anything except what they’re doing in the moment. Plus, there are a lot of benefits that come with open play, including better emotional regulation, self-soothing, problem solving, resilience and knowing their own likes and dislikes. They learn to manage conflict with their playmates. For the most part, kids under age 5 do not need to be in any organized sports or activities. Their primary job at this stage is to learn how to move their body, listen, understand basic rules and directions, and play with others. They are likely getting plenty of formal training during preschool or kindergarten, and they don’t really need more than that. I often see parents wanting to put kids in activities because they struggle to keep their children entertained all day. Their kids are restless, overwhelmed, dysregulated, and easily bored. As an adult, it feels good to bring in some structure and put something on the calendar. There’s nothing wrong with this, but I want you to recognize that it is for you, not for them. When kids aren’t used to this open, unstructured time, they’re going to be uncomfortable figuring out what to do with themselves. They’re used to having a lot of direction from grown-ups. As the parent, you might see this and think that your child only does well when they’re in a programmed environment, but it’s really just a skill they haven’t developed yet. Ultimately, we want to see kids having more and more time in free play. This looks like kids moving their bodies with open-ended equipment (e.g. blocks, figures, scooters, balls, trampoline, etc.). Imaginative play is the beauty of being a kid, and we want to give them as many opportunities as we can to do that. Rather than running soccer drills, give them a chance to kick, run and play. Go to the park and set them loose to run, pretend, and make up their own games. Let them jump off low walls, muck around in the mud, play tag, have foot races, pretend to sword fight, and use their body to develop their muscles and motor skills. And if they want to play sports later, this experimentation and movement is also how athleticism is built. Pros & Cons of Structured Activity When your kids are in organized sports and activities, it takes away time for the free, open play we know they...

If you’re setting goals or resolutions for 2025, this episode is for you! This year, I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks and shifted my entire approach to goal setting. The end result was goals that made me feel joyful instead of shitty. Now, I’m sharing that question with you. You’ll Learn: Listen to learn the process I used to create a vision, goals and some actions steps for 2025. ------------------------------ This year, I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks and shifted my entire approach to goal setting. What about your life doesn’t need to improve or change? When I read the question, I immediately felt myself push against it. I was like, “Oh, I don't want to think about what’s going well.” To be honest, it took me a couple of days to get back to this question. Maybe you’re like me when it comes to goal setting: I usually approach them from a kind of a “manager type” - let's find out all the problems in this system, and let's address those problems. I usually start with questions like: Where are the gaps? Where are the problems? What are the things that are going wrong? What needs a Re-Solution? The “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” thing. But this year, when I opened up Ameila Knott’s “Reimagining Resolutions” workbook and she asked me to look at “What about my life doesn't need to improve or change?" I saw very clearly how much I was using goal-setting as a “whip” to compare, measure, and criticize myself. (This workbook is SOOO good, and Amelia is sharing it with the Calm Mama community for free! Get your copy of Reimagining Resolutions by clicking here.) Reimagining Resolutions in 2025 Creating goals and dreams from a negative headspace of scarcity and “not good enough-ness” is like letting our inner critic give us a pep-talk. Not fun. (My inner critic can be pretty mean, although she’s much nicer than she used to be.) When we let our most negative self define us, we’re left feeling “less than” and hopeless. No wonder most of us give up on our goals by mid-January… But this year, very cool things happened when I spent time reflecting on my life from a place of gratitude, hope, satisfaction and contentment. Mostly I didn’t feel like shit. Instead I felt so joyful! The best thing you can do for yourself right now is... This is the mindset you want to be in BEFORE you think about what you want to create or do in 2025. From that headspace, you can take a look at the 7 major life areas (Spirit, Mind & Emotions, Body, Relationships, Livelihood, Play, and Space & Things) and decide if you WANT to work on anything new or different. I talk all about these in the episode. You don’t have to do any of this, btw. You can let everything be good exactly as it is. Contentment is a super power. Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop...

Many people believe that thinking about regrets is a waste of time or unimportant. But I think it can actually be informative and instructive. Today, I’m sharing some of my parenting regrets as I look back on the decisions I made when my kids were younger. I want to show you how you can use regret in a positive, supportive way. You’ll Learn: But regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life. --------------------------------- As we wrap up 2024, it’s a good time to reflect on where you’re at and do some gentle reflection. Through this process, you may notice mistakes you made or areas of your life where you don’t think you’re doing that great. Often, when we think or talk about our mistakes, we end up feeling a lot of embarrassment and shame around them. We tend to beat ourselves up, and we don’t really know what to do with those regrets. But regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life. Instead of ignoring it and pushing forward, you can gain something from that mistake or regret. Dealing with Regret as a Mom It’s normal to make mistakes as a mom. It is normal for you to pick an educational path and then decide that it wasn't right for your kid. It's normal to make them stay in a sport and then find out that they were getting a chronic injury that you didn’t know about. You're going to act in ways you don’t love. You’ll create disconnection with your kids. You'll sometimes say things the wrong way or say things you wish you hadn't. You’re going to push your kid too hard sometimes and not hard enough at others. It’s impossible to do motherhood perfectly. Especially when so many of the decisions we make as moms are based on an unknown future. You make the best decision you can at the time with whatever kind of capacity you have. And that’s okay. You don’t want to do it perfectly anyway. Because when you make a mistake, you learn from it, grow and change. When you feel regret starting to creep in… Accept that you have limited capacity. Not everything can be the most important thing. If there is something you can’t fully commit to now, you might regret it later. This is where forgiveness comes in. Instead of getting stuck in the coulda, woulda, shoulda, you can say, “Well, I guess I didn’t have it in me at that time.” Balance compassion and responsibility. This is the same thing we try to do for our kids. You don’t need to bury yourself in guilt and shame. But you do want to be willing to accept feedback, take an honest look at the situation. Love yourself through the process of using your mistakes to serve you instead of hurt you. This way, when your kid comes to you with feedback, you can receive it without it crushing you. You can be ready to make amends, apologize or make things right. Here are five ways to handle regret when it comes up. Undo it. “At least” it.

Winter break can be hard for us and our kids. What often happens is we sort of just start going into the holiday season and winter break without a plan or being prepared. You’ll Learn: In today’s encore episode, I’ll give you 4 winter break tips for you and 4 tips for your kids. You’ll learn strategies to take better care of yourself, feel less overwhelmed, be compassionate with your kids and reduce meltdowns. ------------------------------------- Today, I hope you’ll feel empowered to put the brakes on if you need to so that you can actually enjoy this time with your kids and have fun doing the things you want to do this holiday season. Get What You Want Out of Winter Break In order to have the experience you want this winter break, you have to know what that is. What do you want? Before any sort of winter break, holiday, summer experience, vacation, birthday party, or anything like that, I spend a few minutes making my own personal bucket list of what I want to do or experience and how I want to feel during that experience. I’m a big fan of chasing the feelings we want. What feelings do you want to chase during this break? Maybe you want to feel connected, calm, or joyful. When you know how you want to feel (and what kinds of things make you feel that way), it’s easier to make a plan. Decide in advance what you want to feel, and then make a plan to create opportunities for it. Look at your calendar and figure out what you want to do and when you will do it. For example, if you want to create intentional one-on-one time with each kid, decide when it’s going to happen, put it on the calendar and communicate the plan to your family. And as you look at what’s already on the schedule, ask yourself why you are doing it and if it aligns with how you want to feel. Remember, you don’t have to do it all. Winter Break Tips When you are overwhelmed and you have no time or energy to take care of yourself, it's gonna take away from enjoying the season with your kids. These four strategies will help you to be more calm and present this winter break. Tip #1: Be realistic about your schedule and to-do list. Before you jump into a bunch of activities, take a moment to ask yourself, “What can I actually handle right now? What’s been going on for my kids, and how are they doing?” Think about how much time, energy and mental capacity you have. If you’re really depleted (or if you just know it’s always a disaster when you go out to eat in a restaurant) I want you to opt out and say no. Change your plans rather than push yourself. Tip #2: Stop people-pleasing. Similar to the first tip, this is about not doing things that are outside of what you want to do or what you can handle. When you try to please others by going outside of what you have capacity for, you end up feeling like crap. You don’t enjoy the thing or you feel resentful or you get home and dump all your overwhelm and feelings on your kids. It is okay for you to disappoint people, change your plans or decline invitations. Friends or family might feel a little sting when you say no, but that negative feeling will likely pass quickly. Tip #3: Ask for help. This is a hard one for moms. We feel like it’s our job to do all the holiday stuff, but sometimes there are people in our lives who actually want to

Recently, I’ve coached a few different moms about allowance and chores. These concepts often go together, but I think about them as two separate pieces. Today, I’ll teach you how to use giving allowance to teach financial literacy to your kids. You’ll Learn: Giving allowance gives your kid the ability to have some money in their pocket so they can learn how to spend, how to save, how to have regret, and how to feel proud. Listen to learn how. ---------------------------------- Why Financial Literacy Matters Managing money is a skill - and an important one. When you want to teach your kids how to read, you give them books. When you want to teach your kids about their feelings, you emotionally coach them about their feelings. When you want to teach them how to count or do math, you give them small items that they can count and manipulate. So if you want to teach your kids about money, you have to give them some money. There are a lot of things I want my kids to learn and understand about money. In order to do that, they have to make decisions and have a lot of different experiences with money. I want them to experience the feeling of having some money and then spending it. I want them to spend money and be thrilled by the purchase. And I also want them to have the feeling of spending money on something that’s not good quality that breaks right away or that they regret. I want them to have the feeling of saving their money in order to get something. But I also want them to have the feeling of wanting something and not having enough because they didn't save. I even want them to have the experience of paying for fines. Sometimes, in life, we make a mistake and we have to pay money to fix it. Ultimately, I want them to experience both success and failure when it comes to making decisions and spending money. This is how we learn. The Allowance-Chores Connection My take on allowance and chores might be a little different than you’re used to. While the two are connected, I don’t actually believe that you should pay your kids to do chores. Allowance is meant to teach financial literacy. Chores teach kids how to be in community. As a part of your family community, they should participate and help out…just because they live there. Both help teach responsibility. So if you’re not paying your kid to do chores, how do they fit together? As a member of the family, your child will have jobs to do around the house. There will be expectations for them to meet. If they don’t do their jobs, what happens? Often, you end up doing the job for them, and they’ll need to pay you back for the time and energy it took you to do that. Not doing their chore is a mistake. When you make mistakes, you have to pay for them in some way. You have to make it right. One way is for them to pay you back in time. If you did one of their chores, they can do one of yours. Another way is to pay you back in money. For example, you might give your kid $5 a week for allowance. One night, you realize they didn’t take out the trash, so you do it before bed. The next day (or the next time you pay allowance), you say, “This chore that I did cost $1,” so they owe you that or you take it out of their allowance for the next week. The shift is that the amount of their allowance is set, but you are docking their pay for things they didn’t do. Giving Allowance to Teach Financial Literacy These are some tips and things to think about to use an allowance as a financial literacy...