Become A Calm Mama

Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re continuing our conversation from last week about The Drama Triangle. This week, we’re diving deeper into a healthier model, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). You’ll Learn: In this episode, you’ll learn HOW to actually switch roles and shift into this healthier dynamic. This is one of those episodes where you may want to grab your journal, answer some questions, and work through where these roles are showing up in your own family. ---------------------------------------- In The Empowerment Dynamic, the roles shift from… Victim → Creator Persecutor → Challenger Rescuer → Coach Shifting Into The Empowerment Dynamic We all take on different roles at different times. It’s normal to switch between them (even within a short period of time). But my guess is that there are a couple that you do most often. The challenge for you is to figure out how you act and why. Victim → Creator Becoming a Creator is about getting creative with how you want to respond to life’s challenges. It is inevitable that we will all experience sadness, pain, and misfortune. But you get to choose the way you look at and respond to these obstacles when they arise. The Victim has a “poor me” mindset. They don't really believe in their own power. They don't take responsibility for the circumstances that they find themselves in. They feel very helpless and trapped, doubt their own capabilities, and look to others to solve their problems for them. You can see how it would be easy for our kids to fall into this role. They’re young, and little, and they do need our help. But there are ways to provide that help and guidance without being a helicopter parent or bulldozing a smooth road for them (which does nothing to help their self-confidence). If you think you or your child might be in a victim mindset, ask: In the Empowerment Dynamic, we want to shift from the role of Victim into the role of Creator. This shift develops resilience and confidence. The Creator wants to create and be their best self. A creator thinks things like, “I'm good enough. I get to choose how to respond to my life,” and, “I am capable. I have the ability to take care of myself,” and, “I can trust myself. I know that I am worthy of trust.” You can help your child make this shift to believing in their abilities by affirming that: Don’t bypass the feelings. Validate their emotion, show your support, and ask, “What do you want to do now? How do you want to handle this?” If you are in a victim mindset yourself, think about how you can get what you want in a healthy way. Think about times in the past when you have overcome challenges and feel gratitude for your strength in those moments. Persecutor → Challenger The shift from viewing someone as a Persecutor requires you to look at them from a more neutral place. Rather than seeing them as “the bad guy”, you see the circumstance as a challenge that you can overcome. And if you are showing up as a Persecutor, this shift...

Today, we’re digging into the concept of the Drama Triangle (which you can probably guess is something you don’t want to be stuck in). I’m talking all about what the Drama Triangle is and how it shows up in parenting. You’ll Learn: Let’s get you and your family out of drama and into a place of empowerment and resilience. ------------------------------------------------ What Is the Drama Triangle? The Karpman Drama Triangle (named after psychologist Stephen Karpman) describes how we often adopt one of three unhealthy roles when attempting to resolve conflict: The VictimThe PersecutorThe Rescuer Overall, the Drama Triangle is maladaptive - meaning that these roles are not actually helpful for conflict resolution or family dynamics. How the Drama Triangle Shows Up at Home Maybe your oldest is always “the troublemaker” (Persecutor), your youngest is constantly “getting picked on” (Victim), and you’re forever running interference (Rescuer). Or maybe, after a particularly tough bedtime, you feel like the Victim—powerless over your child’s tantrums—and wish your partner would “rescue” you by stepping in. Over time, these patterns teach our kids to rely on others to solve their problems, or—worse—internalize harmful labels as “the bad one” or “the helpless one.” And as moms, we sacrifice our own needs for peace that never really lasts. Here’s the tough truth. When we fall into these roles, nobody wins. Victim If a child (or anyone, for that matter) is repeatedly put into the Victim role, we take away their belief that they can solve their own problems. We let them think that they are helpless and that they are trapped and that they cannot do for themselves. They look to their Rescuer to solve problems for them, which is a really disempowering place to be. Persecutor A Persecutor often blames others for their actions. Instead of responding to problems with helpful behavior, they often respond with judgment and criticism. When we remember that feelings drive behavior, we can see that the Persecutor is the one who is actually in pain. The one who needs support. But we often don’t give that support to the Persecutor. We go to the Victim instead. So the Persecutor stays stuck in that pain and that role. They start to feel like the “bad kid”. This is common with older siblings, aggressive kids, kids with ADHD or neurodivergence, and parents who aren't emotionally regulated. And because they are treated like the problem, they feel very isolated and disconnected. They’re trying to get control by putting someone else down, but that isn’t really empowerment. And it doesn’t make them feel good. Rescuer The Rescuer is doing the Victim’s dirty work. A lot of moms find themselves in this role, and it ultimately creates a codependent dynamic where everybody's turning to you, and now you're the rescuer of everybody and you have to solve all the problems and fix everybody's issues all the time. It’s exhausting, and it leads to resentment. Plus, by rescuing our kids, we deny them the opportunity to learn how to

This encore episode about the back to school shit show is one I come back to over and over again - because it’s something parents struggle with every. single. year. The transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. Kids suddenly have to wake up early, get themselves ready and out the door (on time). And it’s a transition for you too as you settle everyone into a new routine. You’ll Learn: There are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks. ------------------------------------------- In this fan-favorite episode, I’m talking about 5 things you need to know as school starts and how to create the right mindset going into the next couple of weeks so that you can be compassionate with your kids (and so you don't lose your mind). I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening. Why is Back To School Such a Shit Show? For your kid, going back to school is kinda like going back to work. And it comes with a lot of thoughts, feelings, excitement, and nerves. This can show up in a lot of different ways. Here are 5 of the ones I see most in the families I work with. Your kid may not like their teacher. Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Social stuff is going to come up. Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly. Your Back To School Mindset Shifts Feeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods). This is a transition.It will take time to...

Today, we’re wrapping up the 3-part series on Internal Family Systems (IFS). This episode is all about being what your kid needs, with lots of strategies to show up as the calm, connected parent you want to be. You’ll Learn: Note: If you haven’t listened to the first 2 episodes in this series, I recommend you go back and do that. There’s a lot of background information that will help this all make a lot more sense. ------------------------------------------ Preventing Childhood Trauma A lot of parents come to me with the goal of not f*cking up their kids. They don’t want to do something that creates trauma in their children. But when you are parenting from a place of reactivity, insecurity, stress, or overwhelm (your wounded parts), you may end up accidentally injuring parts of your kid. Trauma happens when we have a difficult experience and the emotional pain is not processed. It gets stuck inside of us. If your child’s pain is not validated and seen by the grown-ups in their life, they may end up confused or thinking that something is wrong with them. They might feel worthless, unlovable, or shameful. One common example of this is bypassing emotion. It can look like rescuing, jumping quickly to logic or a solution, bribes, looking to the future. Doing this can give your kid the message that their emotion isn’t okay or valid. If you’re sitting there thinking, “Great, I’ve already done all these bad things to my kids. I’ve already created trauma,” take a deep breath. Your children are still children, and they’re still processing their feelings. You can start now being that compassionate leader for your family. I’ve seen it thousands of times. Mom changes >> Kids change. They heal in real time. It’s incredible and so, so beautiful. Compassionate parenting is not about making sure our kids don't ever feel badly. It's helping them learn what to do with those bad feelings when they happen (i.e. growing up to be emotionally healthy). I think of emotional health in terms of emotional literacy: And just like literacy in reading or writing, these are skills that can be taught and must be practiced. Being What Your Kid Needs Ultimately, your kid needs you to be available to help them process their big feelings and provide a model for emotional health. Once you’ve begun to step into your SELF energy (like I talked about in the last episode), you start leading your life from a more grounded, calm place. You become less reactive toward your children. Here are some ways to bring that SELF-led energy to your kid. Be a witness It can be difficult to be around someone who is very emotional and activated. Your child’s big feelings might trigger emotion in you (that’s your amygdala at work). A lot of parents fall apart when their kids fall apart. And this is actually pretty terrifying for the child. When you are willing to witness your child’s pain and help them process it, it can be released. Your kid needs you to be the grown-up in the room. And they need to feel safe enough to express their authentic pain, desires, and whatever...

There are many different religious and cultural traditions and concepts that help us understand what I’m referring to today as the SELF. This is the term used in the Internal Family Systems approach (IFS) to describe our inner being, essence, soul, or spirit. Find out: In this episode, you’ll learn about finding your SELF so that you can live from a place of peace and strength. --------------------------------------------------- The concept of SELF reminds us that we are not our pain, our personality, or our behavior strategies. We are something else entirely. At our core, we are pure and unwounded. But as we go through life and get hurt, we become disconnected from that core SELF. We develop maladaptive behavior strategies to help us deal with that burden and pain. We lash out at people. We hurt ourselves and others. In order to be a Calm Mama, you need to be able to tap into the calm that lives within you. You need to tap into your inner wisdom so that you can respond instead of react. Finding Your SELF Think about a time in your life when you felt very calm or loving, or you stayed really grounded during a tough situation. Your mind isn’t spinning. You’re not thinking or worrying about all the things you need to do or what might happen later or money or your body or whether people like you… See if you can feel this in your body. Maybe you feel a gentle weight in your belly, like you’re sitting more grounded. Maybe you notice a lightness in your chest and head, softness in your shoulders and neck. You’re breathing a little deeper and easier. Your core SELF’s intention is to heal you and to give you more and more access to that SELF. Here’s how to reconnect. Notice when you aren’t in your SELF Energy IFS gives us the 8 Cs of the SELF: Curiosity, calm, confidence, compassion, creativity, clarity, courage, and connectedness. If you feel any of these (and especially if you feel more than one), you’re likely connected to your SELF. When you are disconnected from SELF and in your wounded energy, you might notice yourself feeling panicked, anxious, stressed, insecure, or judgmental. Take a Pause Break This is a tool I teach a lot. It’s simply taking a moment to slow down time. Buying yourself a few seconds so you can get ahead of the next moment instead of reacting to it. Getting to a place where you can respond slowly. When you see everything as an emergency that you need to respond to right away, you get sucked into the drama and overwhelm. You get into fix it/change it/stop it/solve it mode. When you want to jump in and control things - that’s not your core SELF reacting. It’s your wounded parts, your ego, your fear, and your stress. I truly believe that even 10 seconds can help you settle your nervous system and feel more calm. Get into your body Notice the feelings in your body. One thing that really helps me is to lay flat down on the ground with my arms and legs extended (similar to Savasana in yoga). I remind myself that the earth can hold me, and I feel my body relax and release. A body scan is another helpful technique. Visualize each part of your body - from your toes up to the top of your head - recognizing and feeling each part as you go. If you’d...

Moms often start the summer feeling energized, encouraged and ready to go! Then around week 6 or 7, the kids are fighting, they never seem happy and everything sucks. This is your late summer pep talk to help you get out of that funk and get through the rest of summer. If you're having a great summer, I love that for you. But if you're struggling, if you're burned out, resentful or overwhelmed, if you're feeling like your kids are out of control, then this is your episode. You’ll Learn: I’m giving you 3 strategies to help you reset your body, mind and limits. If you’re feeling crappy about how things are going, your kid is pushing boundaries or you’re just plain exhausted, these are for you. You can read the full show notes here. ----------------------------------------- Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources! Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Years ago, I was talking to a client about what it truly means to be a Calm Mama. And she realized that the absence of yelling ≠ calm. There is something deeper that we’re working toward. An inner wisdom, inner peace, and knowing that you can handle anything that comes along. There might be a lot of chaos around you, but inside you are calm and steady. Today, we begin a new 3-part series on Internal Family Systems (IFS) - a therapeutic model created by Richard Schwartz. One of the central concepts is that everything you need for deep healing and wisdom are already within you. You’ll Learn: Listen to find out how IFS works and how you can use it to move into Self-led energy and feel more peace. ------------------------------------------- Why Does Your Peace Matter? We talk about this a lot on the podcast, but in case you’re new to my world (or need a quick refresher), there are a lot of reasons that being calm matters as a parent. The big picture is about raising our children in emotionally healthy families so that they grow up to be emotionally healthy adults. This looks like: When we try to prevent our kids from experiencing or expressing negative emotion by over-protecting, over-planning, over-organizing, or bypassing that emotion, we're actually creating little micro wounds in our kids. They are learning to shut down their own feelings, which is not what we want. In order to be able to do the things our kids need for emotional health, we often need to reparent ourselves and heal our own emotional wounds. Maybe there were times when you were told that you weren’t good enough, or that you didn’t matter, or that the way you felt didn’t matter. In order to feel truly at peace, we have to believe that we are loved, safe, worthy, and that we’re going to be okay, too. This is much easier said than done. So, how do we get to that place of deep, legit calm? 4 Parts of the Internal Family System Feelings drive behavior. And when we don’t know what to do with our feelings, we act them out in behaviors or strategies that we think will protect us from pain or help us deal with pain when it comes up. When we’re acting from our wounded parts, we act in ways that might hurt us or others. The goal is to act from our whole, healed, healthy parts - the Self. The Self is an embodied sense of who you are at your core - without any pain or wounds. We all come into this world pure and filled with joy, ready to experience all the things in life that come. At our core, what we want to feel is peace. But then the world steps in. We experience all kinds of discomfort, and if we don’t get to express and process it, it can get stuck within us. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to healing that identifies the wounded parts of you, as well as the whole, not wounded parts of you. And it helps you to build a relationship between your core Self and those wounded parts so that they can heal, have a sense of wholeness and become what we call “unburdened”. Imagine your internal family as your core Self, plus the other parts of you that are related to your Self and your pain (aka burden). There are...

If you’re feeling like your family could use a break from screens and a reset, this is the episode for you. You may remember a podcast I recorded last year about how to do a digital detox. Well, that episode was based on an amazing book called Digital Detox: The Two-Week Tech Reset for Kids, and I am so thankful to have the author, Molly DeFrank, here with me today. You’ll Learn: Molly normalizes tech overuse (it’s not just you!) and lays out a simple, accessible way for you to give your kid a break from digital input, reset their nervous system, and allow your family to become a bit more whole and integrated. You’ll love our conversation and hearing Molly’s perspective. ------------------------------------------ Molly DeFrank is a mom to six children, ages 8 to 15, and the author of two parenting books, including Digital Detox: The Two-Week Tech Reset for Kids. She lives in California and has helped thousands of families break free from digital dependence. The State of Screen Use I often think of the pandemic as “letting the cat out of the bag” when it comes to screens. Even for slow tech families, school was online and our kids were spending way more time on screens. So now, 5 years later, our kids are struggling and we’re seeing a lot of families doing some course correction. Molly shared that the vast majority of parents say that their kids’ screen use is their biggest parenting struggle and that “8 to 12 year-old kids are spending 40 hours per week on digital entertainment…13 to 18 year-olds are spending 50 hours a week. Our kids are spending the same amount of time as having a full time job being digitally entertained.” Molly was heavily influenced by Dr. Victoria Dunckley, who coined a new condition called Electronic Screen Syndrome that is brought on by too much digital entertainment. It can disguise itself as ADHD, bipolar disorder, or OCD, when it’s really just the adrenaline, cortisol, and dopamine that is hijacking their brains. She saw so much of this that she decided to no longer diagnose a new client until they had undergone a digital detox. And most of the time, symptoms were resolved and medication was not needed. That’s how powerful this is. Some of these symptoms that come with screen overuse include irritability, aggression, low frustration tolerance, problems sleeping, and inattentiveness. Parents know that something needs to change, but they don’t want to deal with the fallout and tantrums of reducing or taking away screens. I know you’ve experienced this. The timer goes off, and the monster comes out. The negotiations (just 5 more minutes, pleeeease) and big feelings begin. This is purely dysregulation from the transition from stimulation from that device to non stimulation. I call this the boredom gap, and believe it or not, there is so much hope and freedom on the other side. Benefits of a Digital Detox Molly wants us to know that a detox doesn’t mean you’re signing up for 2 weeks (or forever) of screen tantrums. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. She says, “You’re actually getting your kids back.” A detox comes with benefits to your child's creativity, mental health, social life, and academics, as well as your relationship with them. In fact, every parent she knows who has...

Today, I am so excited to introduce two special guests, Julie Scelfo and Julie Fruman, from Mothers Against Media Addiction (or MAMA). I believe so much in MAMA’s vision and mission for healthier tech and healthier families. I can’t wait for you to meet them. You’ll Learn: This episode is full of simple, practical ways you can help your family have a healthier, more balanced relationship with screens and media. So sit back and listen to us talk about the hope for an environment where media does not infiltrate everything and our kids can grow up without overexposure to media and screens. ------------------------------------------ Meet the MAMAs Julie Scelfo is the founder and executive director of MAMA, and she has created a chapter-based grassroots movement of parents who are fighting back against media addiction. Her goal is to create a world in which real life experiences and interactions remain at the heart of a healthy childhood. She is an award-winning journalist, a former New York Times staff writer, a media ecologist, and a parent. She says, “MAMA grew out of my own frustration as a parent trying to keep my kids safe online and realizing that the problem was beyond anything I alone could manage as a parent. At one point, I signed them up for software that was going to let me know anytime they were exposed to something dangerous. And I started getting over 100 emails a day. And I realized there's no way that I could manage all of that alone.” Now, MAMA has a 3-part mission to educate parents, get smartphones out of schools, and advocate for basic safeguards on technology products. Julie Fruman is the leader of the local chapter of MAMA in my community. For more than a decade, Julie has provided mental health support to individuals, couples and families. She holds a Masters degree in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. She hosts frequent workshops for parents, teens and tweens, encouraging safe, intentional, balanced technology use through the Conejo Valley Chapter of MAMA. She says, “When MAMA first launched, I heard about it and I knew immediately I wanted to get involved. I loved the idea of having other parents around me and not doing this work solo. I like being with other parents who want the same things for our children and for the community, too. I wanted to do this hand in hand and not by myself.” Effects of Media Addiction & Overuse If you’re like a lot of moms I talk to, you just feel a little “off” when it comes to screens and tech. You know something doesn’t feel quite right, but you’re not sure why or what exactly to do about it. Scelfo says, “We as a society right now are completely addicted to media and screens. Think of all the places we have screens. They are in our restaurants, they are in our cars, our elevators, our gas pumps. There's almost no place that you can go anymore and just enjoy the natural setting without being bombarded with information.” And this constant exposure comes with some downsides. Acute Risks We know what dangers look like in the “real world”, but we can’t always see what’s happening online. Social algorithms often promote content that includes...

We’re a few weeks into summer, and you might be starting to feel like you’re in the doldrums. If you’ve been feeling frustrated, disappointed or sad that your summer isn’t going quite the way you hoped it would, this is the episode for you. You’ll Learn: In this encore episode, I’m talking about how to do a summer reset and get things back on track. You can read the full show notes here. --------------------------------------------------- Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources! Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to another Confessions episode! NOTE: This episode is a doozy. It might even need a trigger warning (sexual abuse trauma). But I KNOW it’s going to be really helpful on your healing journey. Listen when you feel ready. My friend, Kristin LaFontaine is back on the podcast, and I'm confessing some of my deepest fears and how I spent years and years in what I call the fix it/fuck it cycle. → Fix it = hyper-rigidity, super productivity, high control behaviors → Fuck it = who cares, no rules, give up/give in behaviors In this episode, I’m sharing all about my experiences in the fix it /fuck it cycle and how I got out of it. Hint - it’s all about self-love and self-trust. Resources: Click here to learn more about Internal Family Systems (IFS)

The thing about dinner is that it happens every. single. day. And it’s typically the worst time of day for kids, especially littles. Plus, you might have sports or other evening activities in the mix. Today, Madison Wetherill of Cook At Home Mom is here to help you make preparing meals for your family easier and more joyful. You’ll Learn: Listen in as we talk about the overwhelm and resentment that can come along with cooking and practical tips and tools to overcome those obstacles and even involve your kids in the process. ------------------------------------- Madison Wetherill is the woman behind Cook at Home Mom, where she inspires busy families to embrace wholesome, delicious cooking. Based in sunny Arizona, Madison juggles life as a wife and homeschooling mom to three energetic boys (ages 2, 7, and 9), blending the chaos of family life with her passion for creating meals that nourish the body and soul. Madison’s culinary journey began after her college years when cooking shifted from a necessity to a passion. Whether she's experimenting with new ingredients or hosting family dinners, her mission is simple: to make cooking at home easy, enjoyable, and always full of flavor. Madison says that while her dream Saturday is hours of alone time in her kitchen, she realizes that this is not the case for most people. For a lot of moms, cooking is a chore and definitely does NOT top the list of ways they want to spend their free time. Listen in to hear some of her best tips for simplifying family meals. End Mealtime Overwhelm Madison recognizes that just the basics of cooking for a family can be overwhelming. There are so many moments between the beginning of planning and the finish line of sitting down to eat a meal. It’s a much more complicated process than we often give ourselves credit for. She adds, “Then when you add in picky eaters or dietary needs or preferences or requirements for time or equipment, there are so many complexities to it, it's no wonder that it's overwhelming.” And, of course, meals are just one of many, many things you’re managing as a mom. The first step is to get curious about what exactly makes mealtimes feel stressful or exhausting to you. Is it the planning part (or lack of a plan)? Time? Budget? Not knowing what to make? She says, “There are different avenues and solutions for all of each of these problems. But I think so often we're quick to dismiss it and think, ‘That's just how it is. And it's never going to get any easier.’” The biggest pain point Madison sees in moms is planning meals, which includes a few different pieces. First is having the time to plan. Next is figuring out what to eat, which brings in factors like picky eating, dietary needs, what’s healthy, what your family will like, affordability, etc. There’s certainly no shortage of recipes out there. The challenge is deciding which ones fit your needs and your family will enjoy. 💡Tip: Create a Meal Planning Routine We can think about meal planning the same way we use intention in parenting. For example, if you want to feel less stressed about meals during the week, create a routine around meal planning. When you take the time to plan your meals on Monday, imagine how you will feel on Thursday night when you know exactly what to cook and your ingredients are ready to go. Madison says, “Many practical problems you might have within the realm of...

Have you ever seen your kid do something and think, “They should know better”? I think we all have at one time or another. But here’s the thing - maybe they don’t. Today, I’m talking about what kids don’t know so that you can adjust your expectations, feel less annoyed by their behavior, and help them learn the skills they’re missing. You’ll Learn: Parenting is a constant process of resetting limits and teaching new skills and behaviors. Listen to learn how. ------------------------------------- Reminder: When you’re teaching your kids something (like how you want them to behave), once isn’t enough. You’ll have to tell them many, many times. And every time they go through a new developmental stage, their brain grows and changes, so they end up needing to learn things again. What Kids Don’t Know Let’s face it: There are a LOT of things our kids don’t know yet. Some of these are practical, like how weather, time, and money work. How to do specific tasks. Today, I’m focusing more on social and behavioral skills, as these are the ones that tend to cause us the most frustration and can be really challenging to understand. Every society has social norms - unwritten rules that govern behavior and dictate what's considered acceptable or unacceptable. These kinds of norms might be related to a country, religion, cultural group, or even smaller subgroups like a school environment or sports team. And they can be helpful because they create predictable and harmonious interactions within our society. When our kids do things that go outside of these acceptable behaviors, we get annoyed or embarrassed. We think they’re being rude. But often, kids don’t actually know what is rude (and they just have no filter). They aren’t born understanding these social norms, and a lot of them are complicated and nuanced. So we have to teach them how to behave so that we don't have chaos and confusion. Your job as a parent is to give your child the awareness, skills, and tools to know what behavior is accepted so that they can be successful in our society and culture. It’s a lot of work to learn how to be a person in society - to understand which behaviors are okay in which settings, and a lot of mistakes are going to be made. Society and Sense of Self Kids learn to understand and follow social norms through socialization. Interacting with people in different types of situations gives them a basic understanding of what works in the world, and teaches them tools to manage themselves. But we don’t just want our kids to follow the crowd. We also want to parent them in a way that preserves a positive sense of self. At times, it can feel like these two goals are at odds with each other. On the one hand, we have social norms - Be nice, be smart, be athletic, be attractive, be helpful, be likable, care about others, don't hurt others. Then we have social and personal values that might be things like be unique, be creative, be yourself, be authentic, take care of yourself, express your needs, express your feelings. So, what if you have a child who is expressing their authentic thought that you have stinky breath? They’re being honest and using their words, and this also has an impact on the other person that might cause a social problem. Teaching Social Norms Teaching the nuance of socializing while being yourself is no easy task. We...

We’ve all been there. You make a plan to do something that you think is going to be really fun for you and your kids. But then, it turns out to not be as much fun as you thought. Your kids aren’t into it, they’re complaining, and you end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed. You’ll Learn: I’m talking about parenting pivots and flexibility when you’re dealing with grumpy moods, “I don’t wanna”s, and plans that get off track. ------------------------------------------------- Let’s start with a little story… Years ago, my family was in Yosemite for a vacation, and we were all going bike riding. It was getting really, really hot, and we stopped along the trail so that we could go into the river and cool off. And one of my sons did NOT want to go in the river. I was really stuck on this idea that we were all going to cool down in the river. We were cajoling him, trying to convince him to get into the water. Finally, I realized that I could pivot from my expectation or my need for him to go in. I just let it go. I decided to enjoy myself in the water and let him enjoy whatever he was doing. With that pivot, the whole energy shifted between the four of us because I settled down as the emotional leader in my family. My other family members settled down, and we were all at peace. We started to include my son in a different way that allowed him to participate. He would go to the backpack to get us some water or chips or take a towel back to the bikes. He loved it, and it ended up being a really fun experience for us all. Because I was able to detach and pivot and shift into acceptance. To allow for people to be people. To allow for my own feelings and desires to be met. I trusted that it was going to be okay. When you can detach from the desire for your child to participate in a certain way, you’ll be fine with whatever happens. Maybe they join you in the activity, maybe they don’t. Funny thing is, when you detach, kids often come back around and want to be involved. But if they don’t, you’re still okay. Structure Submits to Spirit This was a core principle of a church that I went to for a long time. The idea is that we have some basis of structure - a routine, plan, event, etc. But then something happens that you have to submit to. Maybe it’s a big feeling cycle, an illness, bad weather, or a new opportunity. And you have to adjust your expectations. Being flexible and pivoting our plans was a huge struggle for me for a long time. Maybe you can relate. Childhood trauma had me using hypervigilance and overplanning as a way to cope. And as a mom, I was really scared that if I didn’t overplan, my kids would act out, I would not stay calm, I would lose my crap on them, and I’d be a bad mom. I thought that by being really organized, I would keep myself and my kids safe. But this isn’t an all-or-nothing. Having a plan is a really good idea. And we can be flexible in the way we respond when things don’t go the way we expect. Every family needs an adult with some idea of how things are going to go. You need some kind of structure for when people are going to eat, what activities are coming up, how dinner, bedtime, and cleanup will go. Most families work well when there is some kind of rhythm and flow to your days and weeks. But we also need to be able to submit to the spirit. In parenting, I think of this as

Let’s face it. Summer is great. And it’s a lot. A lot of time with kids. Traveling. Extra meal prep. Day trips with snack bags. Feeling like there’s not enough time to get work done. Long days. Late nights. Sibling fights. Loneliness. You’re going to need a plan to enjoy the season - and avoid burnout. You’ll Learn: When you decide that taking care of yourself this summer and avoiding burnout is a PRIORITY - you will be creative and find a way to make it happen! And I’m here to help you do it. ----------------------------------- Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources! Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

On today’s episode of Become A Calm Mama, I have 2 guests - Angie and Megan - co-founders of Front Row Moms. We’re talking about what it means to be a working mom, as well as the benefits and obstacles to being a working parent. You’ll Learn: Whether you are a working mom out of choice or necessity, I know you’ll get some helpful tips and lots of encouragement from our conversation. (And if you’re not a working mom, stick around anyway, because there are some great life management and mindset tips in here for you, too.) -------------------------------------------- Meet the Front Row Moms Angie Macdougall and Megan Corey are the powerhouse duo behind Front Row Moms, a dynamic community redefining what it means for women to “have it all” — with heart, health, and high impact. Angie, a mom of two teens, ages 16 and 19,, thrives on being active year-round in the beautiful Okanagan Valley, British Columbia. With over 28 years of leadership at Vector Marketing/Cutco Cutlery, she has recruited and trained thousands, becoming the first woman in the company’s history to balance an executive role with motherhood. Megan Corey is a mom of two boys, ages 10 and 11, and the CEO of 4CORE. As she moved up the chain and was being groomed for a senior leadership role in her previous job, she realized that it didn’t feel right. She didn’t want the burnt out, stressed out, work-first-and-forget-about-family kind of life. So she started her own consulting company where she’s known for simplifying complexity, fostering strategic alliances, and building impactful communities. Angie shares that her biggest fear used to be that she’d have to quit a job she loved in order to be a mom. At that time, she didn’t have an example in her company to look up to. Her journey of navigating career and family inspired her to seek and create a community of women who support one another in embracing life’s challenges and opportunities. Together, Megan and Angie created Front Row Moms to be the kind of community they craved — one where women could grow without guilt, connect deeply, and support one another in every season of life. The Myth of Work Life Balance Lots of working moms feel the pressure to “balance it all”. Balance isn’t an end point you reach, it’s a constant process of shifting priorities and time. Megan says, “We don’t have to be doing all the things all the time 100%.” She and Angie are redefining what “having it all” actually looks like. Angie believes that one solution is looking at results over how long it takes to get something done. You may not be able to fit into the traditional 9-5 schedule, but you can still be counted on to complete tasks and projects. Working from home adds in some unique challenges, as well. When Mom is at home but not available, it can be confusing to kids. In this case, setting clear expectations and boundaries ahead of time is so important. And sometimes, going into the office actually allows you to be more present with whatever it is you're focused on at the time. Each woman has to define “balance” for herself. What does “having it all” look like for YOU, in this stage of life? It’s not always going to be the same. And it probably won’t look like your favorite Instagram feed or your friend’s idea of balance. Dealing with Mom Guilt There can be so much guilt that comes with being a...

Summer Break can somehow be both easier and more stressful for parents. Create a rhythm and make sure your kid’s (and your) needs are met with these 7 family essentials this summer. You’ll Learn: If you start to see your kids fighting or complaining a lot, seeming lethargic or unmotivated, this episode will help you to know what to work on to get them back on track and enjoying summer again. You can read the full show notes here. ---------------------------------------- Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources! Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

On today’s episode, we’re talking about child-led versus values-led parenting. Last week, I walked you through how to define your family values, and this week we’re putting them into practice - letting them be your guide in parenting. You’ll Learn: Leading with your values lets you feel good about the “why” behind your choices, set boundaries that actually work, and keep your family on track with where you want to go. Listen to learn how. 🎁As a special gift to my listeners, I’m also giving you a FREE Defining Your Family Values worksheet. Click here to get yours now. ------------------------------------------ As a parent, you're faced with a lot of decisions, and it might not always be clear what you should do. It’s easy to make an emotional decision in the moment that you might not love when you look back on it later. Child-Led vs. Values-Led Parenting Over the past ten years or so, we’ve heard a lot about how feelings matter, and we need to validate our kids’ feelings. This is completely true and important. And it’s led to a lot of child-led parenting. Where parents get confused is knowing what to do with those feelings after we validate them. Are we supposed to give in? Child-led parenting is sometimes called horizontal attachment. You and your child are essentially on the same level when it comes to decision making. You are focused on your child’s feelings and what they think of you. You want them to like you, so it’s harder to set limits and hold boundaries. Parents using the approach often want to give in so that their kid feels good. They let the child decide what they're doing, what they're getting, and how they're acting. It is a form of permissive parenting. Values-led parenting falls under the category of vertical attachment. Here, you are the guide, mentor, leader in the relationship. There is some type of hierarchy, and the kids are not in charge. Let’s say your child is on a sports team, and they’re sad because they don’t get a lot of playing time. They don’t want to go to practices or games anymore. They want to quit. In a child-led household, you might let them give up because of the way they’re feeling. In a values-led household, you might remind them that one of your family values is commitment, so they are expected to finish out the season. Values like integrity, reliability, and teamwork could also apply. You can say, “We’re going to continue to do this even if you’re uncomfortable. I believe in you. I know you can handle it.” There’s still room for lots of love and compassion, even as you hold your boundary. Downsides of Child-Led Parenting In the short term, child-led parenting can feel really good. You get the perceived feeling of being liked or loved by your child. The problem is that kids miss out on opportunities to grow in your values, to trust you, and to build resilience. Kids learn about themselves when they have to work through hard things. Low Self Esteem. The increase in child-led or feelings-led parenting is even leading to a self-esteem crisis in kids. They haven’t been given the opportunity to learn to handle discomfort and work through that emotion. Life is full of hard and frustrating things. Plans change. We have to wait. We don’t get things that...

To have a stress-free summer (or at least something close to it), you’ve got to create the right mindset. And that’s exactly what I’m teaching you to do in this encore episode of the Become A Calm Mama podcast. You’ll Learn: This can be the summer that you feel good, actually enjoy the extra time with your kids and create some incredible memories. ------------------------------------------------ Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources! Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with Darlynnwww.calmmamacoaching.comInstagram Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

What decides the direction of your family? Today starts a two-part series on defining your family values and how you can make decisions based on the things that are most important to you. You’ll Learn: The goal with this exercise is to find 5-8 core values that you’ll share as a family and as a couple in your parenting. 🎁As a special gift to my listeners, I’m also giving you a FREE Defining Your Family Values worksheet. Click here to get yours now. --------------------------------------------- Parenting can be really, really confusing. Maybe you’ve wondered… What am I supposed to do here? Do I let my kid go to this birthday party? Do I let them quit the sports team? Do I let them not go to our religious service? Do I let them blow off steam by swearing? These are hard questions to figure out, and it’s easy to find yourself making decisions based on what your kids want, how you feel in the moment, or how your children feel in the moment. Your family values can serve as a guide when you’re answering the tough questions of parenting. You can look at your values and decide… Is this aligned with the things that are important to us? Is this decision going to help us get our kids closer to our values and where we wanna take our family? Or is this decision going to undermine our family values? Defining Family Values Values are defined as a person's principles or standards of behavior. So, you're figuring out what is important to you, how you want to show up and act in the world, and then putting words to those values. This is a very simple thing, AND it requires a lot of thinking and self-reflection. If you don’t have the capacity to dive into this right now, that’s okay. Come back to it when you’re ready. Some times that I feel are natural times to talk about values are: The change of seasons can also be an invitation to look at your intentions for the coming season, how you want to show up, and what you want your kids to work on. How To Define Your Values as a Family The goal with this exercise is to find 5-8 core values that you’ll share as a family and as a couple in your parenting. Start with yourself. Before you think about your family as a whole, look at your life as an individual. What is important for you as a person? Looking at what's important to you and what bothers you about other people or yourself is going to be a big clue about what you value as a person. When you get angry about a behavior, what value is that rubbing up against? I give you a ton of examples to get you started in the free Family Values worksheet. Discuss values with your co-parent (if you have one). Encourage them to do their own individual reflection, and then come together to talk about it. Take turns talking about your values and asking each other questions about what that means to the other person and how it shows up for them. Identify shared...