DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“Sorry, Cameron. We don’t have the budget for bras” The panel of peril perform the necessary preparations before their date with a beeeeyootiful blonde; for they are taking their beau to see a movie – this week’s movie There’s Something About Mary (Bobby and Peter Farrelly, 1998). Mary (Cameron Diaz) is a bachelorette in high demand, particularly from brief high school flame Ted (Ben Stiller). When he hires private detective Pat Healy (Matt Dillon) to find her whereabouts everyone gets...

“I like how horny Hercules is” The panel of peril return home from a voyage across the seven seas, wearied by battle against foes both human and… inhuman – skeletons and wotnot. Just after putting a big wash on for all their travel clothes, they settle in to watch this week’s film Jason And The Argonauts (Don Chaffey, 1963). Jason (Todd Armstrong) and his merry band of Argonauts are sent on a perilous expedition to find the mythical golden fleece by his baddie uncle Pelias (Douglas...

“Hackers do not apostrophize” The panel of peril dust off their leathers, straddle the cheap motorbike they’ve been painstakingly restoring, and speed through the cold winter’s night, homeward. Once they’ve warmed up with a hot toddy, they stick on this week’s film The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (David Fincher, 2011). Disgraced journalist Mikkael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) takes on a decades old mystery at the behest of the elderly industrialist Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer): solve...

“It’s like murder Pringles” The panel of peril put on a pair of comically unwieldy magnifying-style glasses, shriek in the face of danger and down tools to view this week’s movie Sleepy Hollow (Tim Burton, 1999). Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp) has been summoned to the sleepy Dutch settlers town of Sleepy Hollow to investigate a series of murders by decapitation. The locals headed up by Baltus Van Tassel (Michael Gambon), Magistrate Philipse (Richard Griffiths), Dr. Lancaster (Ian Macdiarmid),...

“They got Orson Welles to do the farts” The panel of peril adjust their codpieces, lacquer their hair profusely, and settle down with our goblin lackeys to watch this week’s film Labyrinth (Jim Henson, 1986). Sarah Williams (Jennifer Connelly) is a young woman who lives in somewhat of a fantasy world. And by that, I mean that she dresses up as a medieval princess down at her local park. Her parents aren’t happy about her lack of responsibility at all, but she’s having none of it. Until the...

“Oooooh, dinosaurs!” The panel of peril slow their day glo off road vehicle first to a crawl, then to a stop before removing their sunglasses and staring in awe at this week’s film, Jurassic Park (Steven Spielberg, 1993). John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) has created the unthinkable, a park populated by long extinct dinosaurs, and invited several experts along before the grand opening. Alan Grant (Sam Neill), Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern), Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldlum) et al. arrive to see...

“Is homunculus a verb?” Wandering absent mindedly into a local shop, the panel of peril become quite concerned as one of the proprietors begins to strip naked whilst the other rants at them about having been in a war. They are summarily tied to a stake and told to watch this week’s film The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse (Steve Bendelack, 2005). World’s collide as The League of Gentlemen (Mark Gatiss, Reece Shearsmith, Steve Pemberton) are confronted by their own creations from two...

“Once women everywhere are empowered, it would be time to bring in the rent boys” One by one the panel of peril change up their weapon set as they engage in a life or death four way dual, as they smash and slice each armament to pieces in turn. The only thing that breaks their furious combat is a swift two hour viewing of this week’s film, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Ang Lee, 2000). Jade Fox (Cheng Pei-pei) is a woman with a grudge against Wudan. And it just so happens that she and her...

“Doesn’t matter, badgers are infinite” The panel of peril all arrive home at the same time, Craig narrowly avoiding being run over by Gaz pulling his car into the garage, and dive onto their couch (and then something funny happens). Then they stick on this week’s film, The Simpsons Movie (David Silverman, 2007). Springfield has become the most polluted town in the US and special measures will have to be taken. Head of the EPA, Russ Cargill (A. Brooks) decides that the best course of action...

“I’d feel vulnerable in little pants and a vest” The panel of peril wake up from hypersleep (normal sleep really), cough for absolutely ages, have a quick brekkie, and stick on Ridley Scott’s 1979 classic Alien. The Nostromo mining ship is on its return journey to Earth when it intercepts a distress beacon form LV 426. But Dallas (Tom Skerritt), Brett (Harry Dean Stanton), Parker (Yaphet Kotto) and Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) find more than they bargained for on the planet’s surface. In...

“We had a wonderful conversation. Please don’t print it in the newspapers that I got mad” The panel of peril sanitise their hands, walk out of the hospital that they’ve been visiting a badly burned acquaintance in, and thank the staff for all of their hard work. Because we support the NHS. And the Postal workers, heck all of Britain’s workforce! Once home, the panel grab a glass of blackcurrant squash and turn on this week’s film The Dark Knight (2008). Bruce Wayne/Batman (Christian Bale)...

“Wes Anderson uses the power of symmetry to travel through time and space” The panel of peril square up to one another all of a sudden, snarl, and flap their arms around whilst saying things like “Cuss you!” “Cuss me! Cuss you.” Things soon de-escalate though, they are friends after all, and they take a pew to watch Wes Anderson’s Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mister Fox (2009). Foxy (George Clooney) is an animal who has it all; a beautiful wife (Felicity voiced by Meryl Streep), smart son (Ash...

“Well, you’ve blown my toy” The panel of peril run screaming around the house like a bunch of absolute little monsters amongst an army of siblings and extended family. It is, to be honest, an absolute nightmare. Fortunately they have the respite of settling in to watch a Boxing Day treat in the form of 1990’s Home Alone! Kevin McCallister (Macauley Culkin) is just an ordinary kid: he likes plain pizza, leaving toys laying around all over the shop, and not having to sleep in the same space...

“Breaking her down mentally,” “Like Craig does with porridge” The panel of peril arrive for their annual Christmas party, meet the office coke fiend, argue with their estranged wife, and then settle in to watch the first of our Christmas films of the year: John McTiernan’s 1988 classic Die Hard. John McClane (Bruce Willis) is a New York cop visiting his estranged wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia) at her work’s Christmas party in wacky Los Angeles. That party takes place at the beautiful Nakatomi...

“Give them a genetically engineered giant conker” The panel of peril awaken in their massive new blue alien bodies and go for a joyous run through a bioluminescent jungle before settling in to watch James Cameron’s Avatar (2009). When paraplegic Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is tasked with inserting his consciousness into an alien avatar body on the moon of Pandora he does his duty. That duty is to bargain with the indigenous people, the Na’vi, to gain access to their sacred land and mine...

“Drink blood out of Gandhi’s head” The panel of peril awaken to find that the pilots of their small prop plane have left them in the lurch, hop in a rapid inflating dinghy, and glide to the safety of a tumultuous river, landing in a small Indian village just in time to watch this week’s film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)! Uncannily, this exact series of events also befalls Indy (Harrison Ford), Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) and Shortround (Ke Huy Quan) as they are drawn into...

“Just like Lloyd Christmas in his dreams” The panel of peril valmorphanize their gondola into a very slim car, straighten their ties, cock their eyebrows suggestively, and then take in a viewing of this week’s film Moonraker! Moonraker (1979), directed by Lewis Gilbert, find Roger Moore’s James Bond locked in a game of wits with Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) when a Moonraker space shuttle is stolen in very mysterious circumstances. With the iconic Jaws (Richard Kiel) in hot pursuit, Bond...

“Mama Fratelli as played by Rip Torn” The panel of peril activate some sort of Rube Goldberg device, put on a hard-wearing pair of boots that are ideal for spelunking (or so the Littlewoods catalogue description said), then settle in to watch the first film of season 2, The Goonies! The Goonies features an all-star cast of child stars (Josh Brolin, Sean Astin, Ke Huy Quan, Corey Feldman) on the hunt for One Eyed Willie’s lost treasure. But there’s a family of criminals fast on their trail...

“You slaggin’ me?” The panel of peril stand side by side, stare into the bathroom mirror whilst having a group shave and DO NOT say Candyman five times because that would be very silly indeed. Instead, they finish shaving, towel off the excess moisture from their faces and sit down to watch Nia DaCosta’s legacy sequel to Candyman… Candyman! Candyman (2021) finds local artist Anthony McCoy (Yahya Abdul Mateen II) drawn into the folklore of urban legend the Candyman whilst researching for...

“Catching blood in a Snap, Crackle and Pop bowl” The panel of peril throw themselves in front of a gunman during a prison escape, get bundled into a high-tech plane, transported to the hidden nation of Wakanda, and upon waking go “Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” They then watch the MCU’s Black Panther before trying to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. Normal Monday stuff. Black Panther (2018) sees T’Challa (Chadwick Boseman)...