Hops and Box Office Flops

There are many things under siege in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory—the audience, Steven Seagal’s credibility as a tough guy, his belt, and the statutory laws of wherever they filmed. None of those equate to an entertaining action movie, nor should they describe the sequel to a pretty solid film of the genre. Yes, this movie sucks. But, it did essentially end the silly notion that Seagal was anything more than the blowhard that he actually was. We can all thank it for that, at least. Now, sit back, chop open an Oatmeal Porter from Highland Brewing, and hack that Apple Newton! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are knife fighting terrorists on a runaway train! This Week’s Segments: Toy Soldiers And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Filmed during the pandemic, 2025's War of the Worlds was shelved for four+ years before being foisted upon the unsuspecting public. This turd should've never been dusted off. There is nothing less suspenseful than watching Ice Cube fluctuate between looking anxious, angry, disturbed, and smarmy whilst sitting at a computer screen. Literally, that is the film. Now, sit back, ease your migraine with a Hazy Sculpin from Ballast Point Brewing, and stop hacking those drones! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are fighting off the alien invasion with nothing but our moxie and Amazon Prime Air! This Week’s Segments: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Jaws: The Revenge is the sad end to the great white's big screen carnivorous adventures. Last episode, we skewered Jaws 3D for its cheap effects, lack of tension, and overall moronic story. Jaws: The Revenge is somehow worse. Sure, the shark effects are better (however moderately), but the story is nonsensical slop. This time around, the prehistoric predator is out for more than just satisfying its own bloodlust. This hunt is personal. The Brody family is going to pay! Why does this particular shark care so much about their past offenses? That's an impossible question to answer, and, therefore, it probably shouldn't have been asked. Regardless, they're going to get what's coming to them, and neither the laws of physics nor basic logic will stop Jaws! Hell, why are we even debating this?! Just jump on the banana boat and have some fun! Now, sit back, toast to Sean Brody's memory with a Fiddlehead IPA from Fiddlehead Brewing Co., and track those sea snails! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are betting it all with Hoagie at the craps table! This Week’s Segments: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Jaws 3D is the third entry in the killer shark franchise. The original is still widely regarded as a classic. The second is a watchable flick with some decent gore. This one, however, is a shipwreck of epic proportions. From its shoddy 3D effects to its dearth of tension, Jaws 3D never offers anything to justify its existence. Yes, money is why, but having a good idea or two wouldn't have hurt. The titular fish terrorizing a SeaWorld isn't exactly fodder for action and excitement. Critics and audiences agreed, sinking the threequel. Sadly, their disdain for Jaws 3D didn't bury the franchise deep enough. It would rise back to the surface one last time for an even dumber adventure. Now, sit back, ease your fears of the great white with a Devil's Ale from SanTan Brewing, and search that sunken pirate ship! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are perfecting our water skiing stunts with Jaws in hot pursuit! This Week’s Segments: Jaws: The Revenge And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

The Dark Tower is a woeful adaptation of Stephen King's beloved book series. Condensing seven mainline stories into one undercooked film, The Dark Tower lacks any of the elements that made the novels so special. It's a speed run, dumbing down the world and its lore so much that there's really no audience for it. Fans of the books were left dumbstruck, and newcomers were just confused. The Dark Tower is a textbook example of not understanding the property you're adapting. And it very much deserves its 16% on Rotten Tomatoes. No thankee sai, Sony. You botched the hell out of this one. Now, sit back, settle your mind with Black Caddis Porter from Wren House Brewing, and never forget the face of your father! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are beguiling people with our powerful magics! This Week’s Segments: And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Based on a 60s television show of the same name, The Man from UNCLE attempts to merge the cool of James Bond with real-world Cold War era politics. The results are mixed. Directed by Guy Ritchie, it has all the hallmarks of one of his films—quippy banter, smooth action beats, and heroes that ooze charisma. Well, one of the heroes is charismatic. And it's not the one who allegedly is into cannibalism. Henry Cavill is the engine that drives The Man from UNCLE. And just like his turn in The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, he proves he's got the chops to be both comedic and badass. Sadly, audiences never gave this one a chance. On a budget of $75 million, it grossed just north of $110 million. That wasn't nearly enough to warrant the sequel they teased. Now, sit back, stay incognito with a Lord Grey from Three Taverns, and never trust a Nazi scientist! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are enjoying some fine cheese and red wine while Mayor McCheese evades the goons! This Week’s Segments: The Dark Tower And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

As a follow-up to the masterful Mad Max: Fury Road, Furiosa had a tough road to hoe. It mostly lives up to those lofty expectations, but it also suffers from the same ills that plague most prequels. We essentially knew the titular Furiosa's story. It was told brilliantly through the performance of Charlize Theron. Seeing it fully realized onscreen, as beautiful as it can be, doesn't feel entirely necessary. This only ends one way; we've been privy to that. In the end, your left to wonder whether it would've served this universe better to see what comes next. Why drudge up the past? Critics and audiences, those that actually saw it, loved what Furiosa had to offer. But that aforementioned question must have weighed on the general audience's mind. Grossing more than $200 million less than its predecessor, Furiosa lost a lot of money for WB. It may not have felt necessary, but it certainly deserved a better fate than that. Now, sit back, trade some guzzoline for a Sabre-Toothed Squirrel from Smog City Brewing, and top off your blood bag! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are all shiny and chrome! Witness us! This Week’s Segments: The Man from UNCLE And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

There was a time when Hasbro envisioned a cinematic universe. Battleship was a cog in that misguided wheel, an expensive one at that. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for all us movie goers, Battleship sank before it even hit the seas. Critics and audiences alike found little joy or interest in a $200 million dollar blockbuster based on a slow-paced board game. To be fair, they were all correct. Battleship is a slog of a movie; and its nonsensical plot cannot be saved by the bombastic effects and action. Odds are that within minutes, you’ll be sending an SOS to your TV to find something more entertaining. Now, sit back, arm your tastebuds with a Blind Pirate Blood Orange IPA from Monday Night Brewing, and don't promise any late night snacks if you can't deliver! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are sinking alien ships and dropping super cool one-liners — mahalo mother f%$&er! This Week’s Segments: Furiosa And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Batman Forever attempted to course correct the Caped Crusader's big screen adventures after its predecessor, Tim Burton's Batman Returns, was deemed too dark. Swapping Burton for Joel Schumacher in the director's chair, the film certainly has a different feel than Returns. It trades the dark and moody Gotham for a more campy, neon soaked one. That change may have led to greater receipts at the box office, but it hardly equated to a quality film. Batman Forever isn't without its charms, but it is also a tonal wreck, whiplashing between introspective musings of what it means to be Batman and the Two-Face/Riddler comedy hour. It's no wonder than that its star, Val Kilmer—who stepped in for Keaton—wanted no part of a sequel. Judging by our Batman & Robin pod, he made the right choice. Now, sit back, find the courage to fight crime with a Shiner Black Lager from Spoetzl, and don't over kung-fu your laundry! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are joygasming all over Gotham! This Week’s Segments: Battleship And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a fantastic neo-noir that is carried by outstanding lead performances from Robert Downey, Jr. (RDJ) and Val Kilmer. Written and directed by Shane Black, it is a film that thrives on its witty banter, sleek visuals, and intricate plotting. Ok, that latter bit can sometimes be a bit convoluted, but that doesn't detract from the repartee. Kilmer has never been better than he is here. And RDJ capitalized on his exceptional performance as Harry Lockhart to catapult back into the mainstream. Yes, he's that good in this. Sadly, this movie didn't fare nearly as well at the box office as its spiritual successor, The Nice Guys, nor did it ever get the sequel it so richly deserved. Now, sit back, choke down a Rowdy Peach IPA from Sweetwater Brewing, and avoid peeing on the corpse! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are investigating the untimely and mysterious death of Proto-Cop! This Week’s Segments: Batman Forever And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

The Island of Dr. Moreau has the ignoble distinction of being the only movie to appear on this podcast twice. But, to be fair, the first episode was in dire need of further conversation. Thus, we've gone back to the island with all manor of misfit mutants. As we suspected, the film remains just as bizarre as ever. Like the ill-fated experiments of the titular doctor, The Island of Dr. Moreau itself is a Frankenstein's monster. Hurricanes, clashing egos, and an emergency director swap (that's not even the half of it) all ensured that this would be just as odd offscreen as it was on. And believe us, all the on-set discord shows in the final product. Yet there is something unexplainably watchable about this movie. Val Kilmer is at his campiest, and Marlon Brando saves what would be a dull affair with his flair for the absurd. Watch it and wonder how it even exists at all. Now, sit back, mutate your mind with a BajaJack Salted Lime Lager from SanTan Brewing Co., and go on two legs! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are hunting, killing, and running with the pack! This Week’s Segments: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Real Genius was Val Kilmer's second big screen appearance. His first, Top Secret!, we also covered on this podcast. Like that one, Real Genius is a tremendous showcase for his immense acting talents. This is a truly great 80s comedy, propelled by the infinite charisma of Kilmer as brilliant slacker Chris Knight. It doesn't hurt that William Atherton plays his despicable foil Professor Jerry Hathaway. Atherton just excels at playing an asshole. Thus, as Knight relishes in making a fool of him, the audience can't help but laugh. Alas, Real Genius is on this pod for a reason. Despite being a cult classic now, it fared poorly upon its release, grossing $13 million on a budget of $8 million. Thankfully, people smartened up, cementing its rewatchable status over the years. Now, sit back, get inspired with a Space Food from Warped Wing Brewing Co., and fill out those entries for the Frito-Lay sweepstakes! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are unwittingly building murder lasers for the government! This Week’s Segments: The Island of Dr. Moreau And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

2024's Road House is surprisingly watchable, even if it pales in comparison to the original. Jake Gyllenhaal does a serviceable job as Elwood Dalton—the bouncer with a penchant for violence but a heart of gold. And the general premise of a man who busts up bar fights for a living is still wildly entertaining. Where this one stumbles is the odd use of CGI to make the fights appear more "brutal." It's often distracting and offputting. Not distracting enough, though, to make you forget how bland and boring Billy Magnussen's villainous Brandt is. He lacks any semblance of the sleaze Ben Gazzara brought as Brad Wesley. Honestly, and it is baffling to type this, the movie is kind of saved by the ludicrous performance of Conor McGregor. He may be high as hell on blow, but he definitely understands the assignment. Now, sit back, get belligerent with an Orange Blossom Pilsner2 from Orange Blossom Brewing Co., and take it outside! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are brokering shady real estate deals in the Florida Keys! This Week’s Segments: Real Genius And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

The Crow for a long time was considered a property that was untouchable. The tragedy of Brandon Lee's passing during the making of the 1994 film immortalized his portrayal for fans. Although there was zero interest in the property being formally rebooted—there were three sequels and a TV show—the studio soldiered on. They even ignored all the signs that it probably wasn't meant to be. The Crow's path back to the big screen saw multiple directors sign on and off, and a myriad of lead actors come and go. By the time it finally happened in 2024, the fans couldn't even be bothered to hate watch it. The Crow, with a box office around $24 million, was one of the bigger flops of the year. This despite having a rather modest budget of just $50 million. Reviews were just as scathing. Critics made it clear The Crow was better off staying dead this time around, excoriating it with a 21% on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, sit back, free your soul with a Grateful Dead Juicy Pale Ale from Dogfish Head, and quench your thirst for vengeance! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are looking for the exit in this weird purgatory warehouse! This Week’s Segments: Road House And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, Bluesky, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

2012's Total Recall lacks the bizarre charm of Paul Verhoeven's 1990 film. Substituting Mars for dystopian earth, the movie ultimately feels like just any other action movie. Whereas the 1990 version was full of oddities, one-liners, and gore galore, this Total Recall is just a bland, PG-13 wannabe. What it lacks in personality and style, though, it does make up for with a few kinetic action scenes and solid special effects. Those, however, were not enough to save it from the critics' wrath. At 30% on Rotten Tomatoes—compared to 82% for the 1990 version—there wasn't much behind the spectacle to warrant a recommendation. Fans agreed. Thus, with a gross of $211.8 million on a budget of $125, audiences clearly felt this trip wasn't worth taking. Now, sit back, shake the memory fog with a Super Fun Hazy Hop from Paperback Brewing, and get your ass to the Colony! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are dreaming of better days on Mars! This Week’s Segments: The Crow And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

The 2015 remake of Point Break is all style and no substance. It's an extreme sports highlight video that flourishes when the stunts are on display, but fizzles whenever the cast has to act. Ultimately, there is just too much going on, and as we bound from place to place and stunt to stunt, very little in the way of plot or character depth is ever established. Sure, having the radical Robin Hoods branch out into several extreme sports seems cool on the surface, but there has to be more to the film than insane feats across beautiful locales. Hence why this Point Break couldn't muster the same following as its predecessor. It's empty calories. The stakes feel shallow when we don't care about any of the people engaging in the death-defying pageantry. The lesser Bodhi's empty philosophizing doesn't help either. Now, sit back, get gnarly with a Antihero IPA from Revolution Brewing, and follow your line! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are aren't living off the grid! We're living on it—just on our own terms! This Week’s Segments: Total Recall And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Captain America: Brave New World carries on the distressing trend of underachieving and subpar MCU movies. Worse, like much of Phase 4 and 5, there still seems to be no clear direction for what is coming next or why. Brave New World is not a terrible film, but it is one that is clearly stitched together. Plagued by behind-the-scenes drama and frequent reshoots, the whole is clearly made from disparate parts. Thus, despite game efforts from Anthony Mackie as the titular Captain and Harrison Ford, replacing William Hurt, as Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross, it can never overcome its issues. That said, there is fun to be had. The height of which never should have been spoiled in the film's trailers. Now, sit back, enrage your soul with a Pogzilla Double IPA from Scofflaw Brewing, and don't think you're Steve Rodgers! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are sneaking onto Celestial Island to steal all that sweet adamantium! This Week’s Segments: Point Break And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

When Tremors was released in 1990, Kevin Bacon—who starred as Valentine McKee—thought it would kill his career. Like all great cult classics, though, Tremors has come to be one of the actor's most beloved films. And that's not a mistake. Tremors is a ton of fun. With an interesting new creature that burrows under the surface and terrorizes a small town, it does exactly what a monster movie should do. Add in its abundance of humor and great characters, and the recipe is there for an infinitely rewatchable film. It's no surprise then that after a tepid theatrical box office, Tremors tripled its gross on VHS rentals and purchases. That is what insiders call, "bringing home the bacon." Now, sit back, bring the heat with a Hatch Chile Gatos from Fate Brewing, and get off the ground! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are feeding these damned motherhumpers a bucket of hot lead! This Week’s Segments: Brave New World And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Army of Darkness, the finale of Sam Raimi's iconic Evil Dead series, is truly a cult classic. A minor departure from the series more comedic/horror roots, it is a film that revels in its absurdity, taking the protagonist, Ash, back through time to the 14th century. Though it is goofier, it is no less fun than the first two. And its one-liners—frequent throughout—remain infinitely quotable to this day. There is a reason Ash and the hordes of undead he's dispatched over the years with prejudice have continued to captivate the hearts and minds of fans. Good ... bad ... we're the guys with the mics! Now, sit back, wash down tiny Ash with a Dragon Stout Fire, and listen up, you primitive screw heads! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are blasting deadites with our boomsticks! This Week’s Segments: Tremors And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

Empire Records poses the important question: What do a bunch of pre-20s slackers do at work all day? Well, they have random sex with has been celebrities, eat weed brownies, argue over mundane things, and thoroughly explore the existential crises they're all experiencing. To no one's surprise, very little work is actually done amidst all the melodrama. Now, that may not sound all that great, but Empire Records is very much a time capsule film. If you grew up in the 90s, you've no doubt seen it and probably have fond memories of it. Thus, its devout following, despite its lack of box office and critical success, is well earned. Empire Records is a shared experience film. We've all had jobs where we screw around all day, and we've all worked with people who fit the familiar archetypes in the movie. That is what makes it so relatable and has helped it to endure over the years. Now, sit back, compliment your special brownie with a Bloodline Blood Orange IPA from Flying Dog, and delight in the sweet stylings of Rex Manning! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are damning the man to save the Empire! This Week’s Segments: Army of Darkness And, as always, hit us up on Threads, X, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!