Kagro in the Morning

Chaos doesn’t take the weekend off, but David Waldman does, so apocalypse later, make it Monday, ok? Trump’s ouster of Jimmy Kimmel Is much worse than you think it is… maybe even worse than I think it is! The remaining late-night hosts satirically bowed to Trump, but it kind of felt like a rehearsal while old Charlie Kirk Show scripts are being loaded into their teleprompters. Trump and MAGA have no problem with their pronouns, “they” is never “them”, no matter how much they seem like them. Trump will exterminate all of them… or “they” … Obviously, the only way to defend against something like this would be to hire more dipshits for the dumbasses to yell at. And they had better be real dipshits too, because any dumbass can tell if you’re just pretending to be a dipshit by just looking at you. Case in point, U.S. Attorney Erik Siebert will be fired for not pressing false charges against Letitia James, while Ed Martin is free to McGruff cosplay outside James’ house. The case against Lisa Cook is in tatters, while the team that put together the New York Times lawsuit orders another round of drinks. South Korea had such high hopes for us, then they turned on the news. They are beginning to see that with Trump they don’t need to FA to FO. Former Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro will be waiting 27 years and three months for Trump’s pardon. Vladimir Putin must have had TACO translated into Russian, and is checking out Poland, Romania, and Estonia.

Greg Dworkin took a break from supervising the construction of his new walk-in shower to join us and KITM and David Waldman for our Thursday chat. Trump had Jimmy Kimmel disappeared in broad daylight yesterday... ABC wanted to do its part in building the national information hegemony and FCC chair Brendan Carr was happy to lend them a hand, one way or the other. Every person that Trump wanted to anger or sadden has been angered or saddened by the news. Teddy Roosevelt would have been against this treason, and the monopolies too. Oh no, now Stephen King too! Now ABC has been cancelled! (It’s the Australian one though, as if that mattered to Trump.) In order to streamline the administration’s persecution efforts, all “woke” will henceforth be known as “Antifa”, and illegal. All “Groypers” will be “Leftists” until further notice. Charlie Kirk hasn’t yet been added to the Pledge of Allegiance, because Trump has dibs on that slot. They might mandate that his tiny little face be etched into all Confederate statues though. Why can’t Democrats manipulate the masses like Charlie? Gavin Newsom has never met an angle he didn’t like, and Charlie sure had a few. The difference between the mortgage fraud Scott Bessent and Bill Pulte’s parents are accused of, and the mortgage fraud Lisa Cook and Letitia James are accused of, is that theirs is nonexistent.

David Waldman picked a heck of a day to declare war on Boliva, without his Sundance, Greg Dworkin, here to cover him. Donald K. Trump keeps smiting Caribbean fishermen from a distance instead of selling MAGA bonus closeups of their faces sinking beneath the waves. Even ball-crushing John Woo is beginning to wonder if we might just be the baddies in this one. Keep Woo’s copy of the Constitution, we can use it between Gop administrations. Red alert! Has this Antichrist-led holy war crossed its Rubicon? Hmm, that’s some spicy rhetoric! Mike Johnson’s son’s phone is getting steamy with that one. Our enemies overseas are helping fan those fires that the Right are fanning, as if they needed any help. South Koreans are pretty shocked by how they’ve been treated out in the wild west and might take an approximately 1,220 day or so break before returning. Stephen Miller would love to have them all back, as he needs to deport them a few dozen more times to reach quota. An ABC reporter asked Trump a question and Donald threatened him. An ABC reporter asked Trump a question and Donald threatened him. I’m so old that I remember that before Watergate, folks used to say, “This is the worst scandal since Teapot Dome.” Finally, the Trump administration, with help from the United Arab Emirates and World Liberty Financial, will return that phrase to our lexicon.

David Waldman tells us life is like an extra-large order of fries: There’s always lots to ketchup on! RIP to the golden age of Hollywood, and Robert Redford. Don’t let on he was a Lib and you might be able to share condolences without being doxed, fired, or in jail. She-Wolf of the DOJ, Pam Bondi will punish anyone refusing to print flyers, whether for Horst Wessel or Herbert Norkus or any other martyr for the cause. Greg Gutfeld is aghast that anyone would say Melissa Hortman, randomly killed for being a Democratic politician, was a victim of “political violence”, unlike Charlie Kirk, who was a PODCASTER. What do Democrats, homeless, immigrants, LGBTQ, teachers, students and Satan have in common? To Donald K. Trump, they all are you, and he knows they are never him. For a second there, Donald wondered if Melissa Hortman was some woman he violated behind Studio 54. Every woman that Trump has victimized might seem like an individual to you, but combined, they’ve created the TRUMP brand, and you’ll have to answer to Trump attorney Lionel Hutz if you sully the Trump brand. Or perhaps a firing squad, Trump is not sure. The homeless could choose lethal injection, but America is not that great again, yet. Once it is, fewer people will be shot. Trump will keep having Venezuelans killed and South Koreans imprisoned and tortured until those acts become precedent for future acts. What? That’s not how it works? Tell that to Bill Pulte, who now has to lock up his mom and dad for doing the thing his target Lisa Cook did not do.

Today David Waldman welcomes the distinguished Ian Reifowitz, author of Riling Up the Base: Examining Trump’s Use of Stereotypes through an Interdisciplinary Lens, to connect the dots interdisciplinarily between Donald K. Trump riling up his base and the stuff we’re presently going through. Trump will certainly receive his long sought-after Pulitzer Prize after scooping the entire lamestream media to report that his boy Kash Patel finally caught his man, with some assistance from Matt Robinson, a 27-year veteran of the Washington County Sheriff’s Department and father of the alleged shooter Tyler Robinson… Yep, cis, white, Christian, Republican, gun nut, Trump fan Tyler Robinson… Here we all were thinking that we witnessed a political assassination, when it kind of looks like Charlie Kirk might have just shot himself. Let’s learn more about guns! Slap that like! Pity the poor Gops and Trump who required a Horst Wessel to carry them into the midterms. Oh well, back to that Ukranian girl. Meanwhile, South Koreans rejoice to see Korean political prisoners escape American clutches. And Brazilians dance in the streets even more than usual to see their democracy hold strong. Marco Rubio vows revenge. Remember, that’s Riling Up the Base: Examining Trump’s Use of Stereotypes through an Interdisciplinary Lens, with a live Q&A and book signing this September 30 at Barnes & Noble at 1550 3rd Avenue in Manhattan! Meet the Author, Ian Reifowitz, and mention my name for a free soft drink refill!

Ever wake with a start and wonder what David Waldman thinks about a subject? How about Greg Dworkin? Rest easy, they’re both here today! Booooooooo! Donald K. Trump hiked, or maybe was carried on a litter, to a quite local restaurant in order to win a food-related dare from a reporter. (He’d eat anything if you dared him to.) You’d be amazed at what some people will do if you are their source of food. Hey! WHERE the WHITE women AT? Always on the lookout, Donald located one in Charlotte, North Carolina, which is lucky (for him) as surprisingly, white women are worth 6 times more than a black woman! Nonetheless, non-whites and Democrats sure add up if you can keep scoring. Speaking of two weeks, that is when you can expect the Epstein files, as Dems keep racking up their scores and Trump suuuuuuucks. Until then, Trump’s art of the birthday card will carry us through. Jim Jordan doesn’t buy it. Jim knows that Trump was running for president in… 2009… that’s about 10 years since Jim began crying like a dog and begging people to keep him out of jail. A Federal judge blocks Trump from the firing of Fed’s Lisa Cook, for now. There’s only so many rush orders that the Trump Supremes can handle. The Zohran Mamdanimentum continues to roll along. Turns out that Jewish New Yorkers are not anti-Semitic. Congrats to Oliver North on his marriage to Fawn Hall... no that’s not her… not her either, nope… There she is! Ah, that might be why Donald wants to get back to the seventies.

David Waldman is back to tell it like it is and was. Eee-Ew! The Jeffrey Epstein birthday book has been released, the Trump-Epstein birthday letter has been revealed, and it’s real, it’s bad, and it sure is icky, much like many of its participants. Donald was certain that we all agreed the issue killed itself in its cell and was long gone and buried by now, but apparently that isn’t the case. The Trump Supreme Court lifted restrictions on roving patrols and racial profiling on immigration stops, but you better believe they weren’t talking about people wearing lederhosen and alpine hats. The Supreme Court also allowed Trump to fire the FTC commissioner, which of course goes against precedent. It would go against precedent to shut the whole place down and walk away, but here we are. Gops take their tit for tat for tit with Dems to Defcon 2 on Monday. Chuck Schumer tells them they might rue the day that they go Defcon 1… RUE He tells ya! Want to know more about “Discharge Petition No. 9”? Discharge procedure in the House? The travails and tribulations of House Resolution 581? Don’t ask me! David knows about all that stuff. One thing that David did not know is that Missouri Democrats are holding a sit-in to protest a special session to redraw their congressional map. Now we all do!

David Waldman calls 'em like he sees 'em. Greg Dworkin calls 'em like they was. But they ain't nothin' till KITM calls 'em. Roll call! Thomas Massie is joined by empathetic Democrats and a few traumatized Republicans in a discharge petition to force a floor vote on his “Epstein Files Transparency Act.” Nancy Mace was so shaken that she almost forgot who her daddy was. Epstein survivors float release of an unofficial client list, but with all this talk of Epstein victims, will anyone remember the Epstein victors? RFK Jr. tried to sell Senators his snake oil but found few takers. Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo earned his Black Florida Republican bonafides, urging Floridians to earn their PhDs in virology before it’s too late. The West Coast Health Alliance will ally to maintain west coast health. Putin, Xi and Kim aren’t waiting around and are planting their organ orchards today. Harvard wins! Trump’s freeze on research funds was declared unconstitutional. Where did you get the idea that they’ve been losing all this time? Probably from the same place that led you to believe this was all about antisemitism, when the DOJ’s lawyer is a Nazi-stan? Trump is making the losers taking votes from Andrew Cuomo into winners in the hopes of stemming the irrepressible Zohran Mamdanimentum. NASA’s problem has never been a lack of brilliant people; it is their lack of hardball lobbyists. Job cuts are the worst since the pandemic, and you wonder why Trump is blowing up boats?

David Waldman brings us the Wednesday KITM, on Wednesday, as expected, and as expected on a Wednesday, Greg Dworkin, who’s here to ask, “Health and wellness, but whose?” Well, not yours, that’s for sure. This month RFK Jr. plans to announce which of the four humors is responsible for autism, but Bob is definitely certain that most children could use at least a little letting. Meanwhile, Donald K. Trump is dead, he just doesn’t know it yet because he hasn’t seen it on TV. It turns out that when Donald was seen doing his “Stanky Leg” in public, it wasn’t all about his stanky leg... It might have been even worse, if you can imagine that. By the way, Trump will only die when the majority of MAGA says he has, so look for that in maybe in a few generations. Sadly, for Donald, the Nobel Committee only hands out their prize on the 10th war averted, and it doesn’t seem that Vlad will be punching his ticket on that. Xi Jinping sends a message to Trump, the message that he just doesn’t know how to throw a cool parade. Jeffreeeeey Epsteiiiiiiin! Trump sends the US vuvuzela corps over to the capital today, but if that’s not enough he can always blow up some more boatloads of Venezuelan citizens. Are you doing your part? ICE agents across the nation sure are doing theirs, and most are getting away with it, as long as they hide their identities a little. Trump will take over Chicago, NYC, and Greenland as soon as he gets rid of that TACO creeping up his spine. Gov. Kathy Hochul is getting used to defying Trump and accepting Zohran Mamdani. The Fifth Circuit rejects Trump’s wartime deportation baloney, while Jeanine Pirro dejectedly sucks down another wine box as grand juries award her yet another “no bill prize”. The USDA is cutting farmers loose from more supervision, while oyster farmer Graham Platner fights the oligarchy. Space Command moves to Alabama, which is more proof that we are in the wrong timeline.

Hey, it's Labor Day, and you know what that means! Well, it might mean that Trump is dead, but probably not. It does, however, mean that you're getting less Greg Dworkin today. Also, less me! But because we're bringing you our September 3, 2024 episode to keep you company for the holiday, and because September 3, 2024 was a Tuesday, you'll get to hear good ol' Joan McCarter's voice again! If you're wondering why I started the summary so oddly, well, you'll get it once you see how the summary for the original show went. You see, it started like this... Hey, it’s the day after Labor Day, and you know what that means! For one, it means that it’s Tuesday, which means that not only is David Waldman back live, but so is Joan McCarter! Also, it’s the day that millions across the nation awake in the morning, crawl out of their burrows, see their shadows, and realize the need to figure out who they will vote for. Kamala Harris and Tim Walz have already risen to the challenge, while Donald Trump and JD Vance extended their weekend. By the way, Snopes states that no one has yet verified that the specimen jars carried by Trump supporters contained “fake” JD Vance semen… I guess they need local couch cushions for a match? That awkwardly segues us into Trump’s promise to make government socialistically provide IVF treatments for gay couples and single cat ladies. Good for him! Although Donald might not have considered how his stance might affect IUI families, and the sensibilities of his Vice President, or even his previous Vice President. Meanwhile, the Harris-Walz team heads to Florida with a clearer stance. September also is the beginning of Congress’s legislative sprint, although there really wasn’t anything keeping them from starting earlier. House Gops now have only a few weeks left to impeach Joe Biden. If you had time set aside to head to Bedminster to attend the gala in honor of January 6th rioters, or have your photo taken giving a thumbs up standing on Donald Trump’s freshly dug grave, you will be disappointed as both events have been again postponed. Public school teachers, already overworked and underpaid, are now expected to perform surprise sex change operations on their students.

David Waldman pines for the Virginia fjords around this time of year and can only deny his wanderlust two more hours before this three-day weekend. Generalissimo Donald K. Trump will keep hosting military parades until everyone salutes. The Navy version should have better floats of course and will feature dancing Sea Cadets, escorting the beautiful new giant Ashli Babbitt balloon, along with musical guest Gloria Gaynor riding on the Robert E. Lee memorial float, brought to you by that “King of Beers”, Pete Hegseth. ICEISIS are icing themselves out. You can now spot them by looking for the “47” tattoo next to their “88”. You knew that with the Trump administration it’d be only a matter of time before there would be a Federal Boob Inspector. Speaking of Tatas, Anthony Tata, retired brigadier general, practicing racist Islamophobe, and acting Pentagon lacky, has been connected in a few ways to the internet’s most notorious astrologer, Amy Tripp. If New Jersey got rid of Alina Habba when they should have, they wouldn’t be in the trouble that they are in today. Trump cancels Kamala Harris’ Secret Service detail as he’d hate to see anyone live longer than him. Greenland is all bothered just because the US is looking into toppling their government. Trump says, Relax guy! You should see what we have planned for Alaska! Gop Mark Alford goes to town halls to lie, thinking that his constituents understood that. Lies are bad for science, etc. so scientists etc. are moving to Blue Sky.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin regroup here at the top of the week and help work out our next move. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce got engaged on my birthday, thus making that date easier for everyone to remember. Pseudo-president Trump is crypto-president from now on. In happy news for crackers, the cracker barrel returns to Cracker Barrel. Could a one-week feint towards a clipart logo be a publicity stunt to replace their dying customer base with MAGA hardcore? If so, expect Red Lobster’s rebrand as “Red State”. Cops: DC is really cleaning up the town as the interdepartmental queue forms behind each potential jaywalking bust. Anyhow, it’s all the arresting that counts, not the crime. Maybe a nice train station to play with will keep them busy. OK, Doomer. ICEISIS may feel like it’s around every corner (because that’s the intent) but that doesn’t mean that you have to give up. Democrats lead the U.S. House generic by 8 points, and in real-life very-red Iowa, Catelin Drey won by 11, in a district Trump carried by 11. It happened there, and it should be happening everywhere. The US might be involved with attempting to destabilize a sovereign democracy! Shocking, right? Greenland might be asking for it, but that doesn’t mean it’s giving Donald consent to grab it by the windfarms. European postal services are holding your mail. You’ll need to stop by and pick it up. Delulu DOGE dropped skibidi Social Security numbers… AnD fanum tax bro! Kilmar Abrego Garcia has a decision to make. Either Trump’s penis is tiny, and Kilmar goes to Uganda, or it is not tiny, and he goes to Costa Rica. All of the federal judges in Maryland avoid rendering a verdict on Trump’s tiny penis… for now.

Happy birthday to me! And to David Waldman, yesterday. Remember, it’s never too late to send belated birthday greetings or cash! Donald K. Trump, in a move so indefensible that the New York Times can barely defend it, is “firing” Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, which of course Trump “shouldn’t”, in fact, "can't" do, for something that he himself has done time and time again… Lisa Cook will fight back, although a public statement on her part regarding Donald’s not-tiny penis would clear her today. Satire has become standard diplomatic art of the deal nowadays. Kilmar Ábrego García unfortunately has found himself the measure of Trump’s manhood… and just as likely to disappear. Speaking of shrinkage, If Alina Habba’s appointment is held illegal, a lot more could be. Fulton County Georgia commissioners are standing against tyranny and aren’t yet in Uganda, and every federal judge in Maryland now can sleep easier tonight.

David Waldman is older than he used to be! By an entire year somehow! Congratulations! Also… Armando! Greg Dworkin is completely different of course, and so is his Raft O’ Stories™, although they could all be a distraction from the real story. The Zohran Mamdanimentum keeps growing, because it’s fun and Zohran is having fun and New Yorkers are a fun-loving bunch. Similarly, Gavin Newsomentum is building, even though there are Dems out there whose anxiety builds when they see too much fun going on and would like to remind you here in August 2025 that you don’t “have to” vote for Gavin in November 2028 if you don’t want to. Expect Trump to drop the word “CUCK” into his posts soon in order to get ahead of Newsom comparisons. Or Trump could just have Gavin arrested. Time for some legal problems for Chris Christie. Time for some legal problems for every federal judge in Maryland. Gorsuch and Kavanaugh note that none of these people are either of them. Kilmar Abrego Garcia could inspire this administration to reinstitute crucifixion. Let’s pour one out for two Fulton County Dems, Dana Barrett and Mo Ivory, protectors of democracy and presently unincarcerated. Trump will obviously send troops into Chicago. Not because he needs to, but because he wants to. Cheating is so fun that it might not matter if it actually works. Soon we will all have something to cry about. US consumers with prime credit are starting to fall behind in their payments. Millions are being pushed off of Medicaid and Obamacare, no matter what they are being told now. And COVID isn’t going away, but the vaccine is. Years of effort have finally paid off. Nancy Mace has finally worn out her welcome.