Kagro in the Morning

David Waldman counts the days up from the future leader of the free world’s felony conviction as we count down the days until the words felony and conviction legally require quotation marks. In 29 days, there will be the first of several attempts to drown the government in a bathtub. However, there’s only hours until the weekend! Years before D lied to his voters, he just lied to people. Matt Gaetz was of course lied to, and of course part of a bigger lie. The truth will come out when Matt finally wears out his usefulness. Notorious dog rustler and foreclosure fraudster fluffer Pam Bondi will now find Gaetz’ cabinet member Botox and spray tan discounts, along with maybe a little something extra in her Christmas stocking, maybe a lot of something if she plays her cards right. Marjorie Taylor Greene has now stuck around long enough to become the doyenne of Congressional headcases and announced liaison to the super-geniuses at the Department of Purging Excellence. Sure, Marge is a moron, but how smart does one need to be, to be Elon’s federal rubber stamp and designated waterboarder of Anthony Fauci? Do you know how RFK Jr. falsely denied his connection to a deadly measles outbreak in Samoa? He lied. Get over it, like you’ll be getting over a lot of things soon. A Trump judge canceled the overtime pay for millions coming in for the millions calling in sick. Meanwhile, droves of Haitians flee their shithole country… to return to Haiti.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here today, and that’s something, isn’t it? Think, what do Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris have in common? Well, they’re both women who… Whoa, whoa, whoa! It seems we Libs are already off on the wrong track! The answer is, as always, economic anxiety. Just ask any cornered last minute swing voter if bigotry or fear or economic anxiety swayed them, and of course they’ll tell you it was economic anxiety all along. After all, it is the singular topic that the trad wife and bro casters have been talking nonstop about… Right? (I don’t know, I have a life, so I don’t listen.) Your new administration, however, has listened to everyone’s concerns and will address all of your economic anxiety like nothing you've seen. Chock full o’ cabi-nuts are now standing by to make America everything it deserves to be... as soon as they score a piece. According to police reports, Pete Hegseth dry humped a Republican women's conference event before serving a Jason Miller cocktail to a Jane Doe who attempted to prevent him from doing his patriotic duty. Meanwhile, Linda McMahon is set to shatter the glass cellar floor, joining her husband and Jim Jordan in looking the other way while men and boys under her supervision were assaulted. And Matt Gaetz… everybody hates Matt Gaetz, including Matt Gaetz, who has decided that his own behavior is too reprehensible to describe in public. Non-sexual abuse solutions to economic anxiety include Tulsi Gabbard, who even gives Nikki Haley the ick, and … drum roll please… Dan Bongino, who will cut everything from the Secret Service, other than those first two initials. Marjorie Taylor Greene, now most seasoned, experienced, and wise compared to everyone else in this paragraph, will lead a subcommittee executing the whims of Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy’s Department of Purging Employees. By the way, the president does have unrestrained constitutional power to withhold funds, you just don’t understand how pre-wrong you’ve been on the subject yet.

Are you on Bluesky yet? That’s where all of the serious political players have been going lately. David Waldman came over on the Mayflower. Greg Dworkin looks as if he might hold onto the last bit of flotsam sinking into the ex-Twitter vortex, but even he is eyeing the Bluesky lifeboats. “Unpopular opinion” as the engagement farmers say at Threads, but I like Threads more… Engagement bait is sort of… engaging to me and Bluesky kind of felt like it had a stick up its collective butt. Popularity might change that exclusivity. Well, as I have been saying, Republicans have been exploiting an increasing technological and hardball gap, and it’s time to catch up. Cabinet appointments will be made to those who sound as if they can best destroy them, or at least further shake public opinion towards them. Linda McMahon will have Americans question the value of a good education. Pete Hegseth will erode people’s faith in our military, our country and in God. And Matt Gaetz will tackle our concept of innate humanity and intelligence. Liberals believe that there is nothing that can’t be cured with a good, thorough, explaining. The corollary to that belief is that ignorant people will be punished through their ignorance... eventually, somehow. No, those folks may be ignorant, but they’re not stupid. They’ve rebuilt all of their institutions to reinforce and congratulate themselves against any onslaught of reality. A couple of million of other people’s lives will hardly put a dent in that.

David Waldman delivers the Tuesday KITM. We’re still calling it “Tuesday”, right? It feels like we’ve already begun our 4-year long day of chaotic sludge. Perhaps if we didn’t make it all about him, but about what he’s doing, we would be able keep our head above the surface this time. Elon Musk also makes it all about himself, but no one needs two assholes, not even Alex Jones. This time the White House will be called “Mar-a-Lago North, Your Sex Party Headquarters”. Every cabinet meeting will be a toga party. Pete Hegseth believes that wives can’t be raped, nor the comatose. Matt Gaetz believes that age is just a number — Giggity! RFK Jr. will bring his legendary stamina to bear… but will be that guy at the orgy telling everybody what not to eat.

David Waldman is back, like Mondays, but more pleasant, except that it is still Monday, with him in it. Greg Dworkin floats in on his Big Raft O’MFG X links! Nope... I won’t. Blue Sky, Threads or Daily Kos. Somebody’s techwiz has to fix this, not me. You know who’s been smelling a little Vichy lately? Never Trumpers, reliable opiate to Dems until D’s Lame Duck in Perpetuity term… are now feeling like moving back with their ex... Bye, Felicias. As our country advances to a stage 4, it becomes a bit harder to laugh about it. So then, let’s avert our gaze and instead focus on the ridiculous cabinet nominees, brought to you by recess appointments, brought to you by our present, not even future Trump SCOTUS. Lowest hanging fruit in this regard might be considered Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth, although there is recent evidence mounting for hanging him higher. Drugging and raping allegations have surfaced, although Pete himself will tell you that if you drug them first, it isn’t rape, and if they were paid to forget, it didn’t happen. Pete is filled with Christian goodness; it says so right on his label. The difference between 2016 and 2024 is that this time, the Oval Office orgies will be LIT. Markwayne Mullin used to think Matt Gaetz was a sexual predator but has since evolved to see Matt as more of a sexual colleague. As Health Secretary, RFK Jr. will probably ban synthetics at future White House bacchanals. Bob is against unhealthiness and will be sending anyone he finds hopped up to labor camps.

David Waldman delivers us to the weekend, which is back to being just another day of chaos before the two days of chaos before he returns. Ever think about Donald Trump’s… future after politics? Following his election loss in 2020, D would have been lucky to get the plot next to Ivana. Now, he’ll be buried like a Pharoah, to better pwn the libs. America’s Greatest Hugest Traitor might still be considered Confederate President Jefferson Davis, but how much have you heard about Jeff lately? While visiting the Trump pyramids, be sure to check out the 200 ft. tall bronze Kevin Roberts shovel. At least all of this will occur long after we’re all gone, 2028 maybe. All of this will be paid for with the bitchange found between Elon Musk’s couch cushions. Newbie KITM Correspondent Brian Henry reports that the fate of the entire world hinges upon the Elon Musk-Peter Thiel pissing match, which is odd, as both agree that the world should be ended. Wait. Is the world’s richest man, also the world’s most powerful? Yes! No! FU! D has picked his criminal lawyers for key Justice Department posts which is appropriate, considering that they are also his criminal lawyers… Just don’t snitch to the FBI! President Caligula has selected Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to head the department of health and human services, based on the same criteria that he selected his previous cabinet, that is who can destroy that particular department most effectively, along with who would be the best fit in the monthly White House orgy lineup.

The Onion outbid us for the rights to Alex Jones’ InfoWars. It would have been nice, but we’re not bothered. Everyone knows that Kagro in the Morning is a much better name. Anyhow, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin wanted to rechristen it InfoNuancedAnalysiswithDrollChiding. The Onion should save up though, as www.usa.gov could become quite the bargain in about a year. Dick Van Dyke is the only one who really has a solution to this administration, although MAGA will tell you that everything was solved when they inked in the bubble. When the day comes for you to be stood up against the wall, they’ll remind you that things would have been so much worse had Democrats been in control. That’s the motto that will be etched above the entrance of Agenda 47’s American Academy reeducation university. Pete Hegseth goes from war crime promoter to Fox News couch clown to Secretary of Defense to Dancing with the Stars to Fox News. Pete believes that he is a Crusader, old-school, and he has the tatts to prove it. Tulsi Gabbard goes from Bernie supporter to conspiracy theorist to… whatever you got, she’ll go there. Apparently Matt Gaetz’s plastic surgery paid off. Matt has shown himself Guilfoyle enough to qualify for Attorney General. If Gaetz gets the position, he will wreak havoc, and if he doesn’t, the process will wreak havoc. Either way, there’s plenty of revenge and destruction to go around. How does D benefit from these cabinet picks? Well, as long as he can do a little something each day to bring just a bit of pain, suffering and fear to everyone, he’ll be happy.

Well, at least another day brings us closer to finishing the vote counting. And that brings us closer to usable analyses. And because it’s Wednesday, Greg Dworkin can collect these analyses for us. There have been a sea of post-mortems, including several from blue island “survivors” adrift in red oceans, which are of varying levels of usefulness. Here’s one, though, from KY Governor Andy Beshear, which helpfully begins by letting us know who Andy Beshear is. And another, which posits that the youngest voters are… well… young. Like others before them! Speaking of usable analyses, how about the exact opposite of that? As in Trump’s cabinet picks and top appointments to date? They’re not useful, and they don’t do analyses. Take Pete “Pig Pen” Hegseth, for instance. (Please!) He says he doesn’t wash his hands, and he’d like to wash his hands of women in combat roles. As expected, most of the jobs are going to supplicants. And there are plenty of them out there! Although Speaker Johnson is beginning to hope (aloud) that no more of them come from House ranks. Oh, and speaking of House ranks, here’s a story that rankles: two Gop nutjobs conspired to try to sneak a play past during a pro forma session. So “WhyDontchaJust” do that all the time? Because if you haven’t got the juice, they’ll drag you back in by the collar and make you undo it. And how about that Elon Musk guy? He’s so annoying! How annoying is he? He’s so annoying, they write about it in India. His latest? The super-hilarious online meme joke, the “Department” of Government Efficiency. It’s not a department, and it’s so efficient, it has two bosses. They won’t be able to “efficiency” Jack Smith out of a job, though! He’s taking care of that himself. But at least he was still on hand to see the classified document thief go inside for 15 years! No, not that one. The other one!

David Waldman is back again plowing through another KITM cold bedraggled, and as all of us, undermedicated for the task at hand. David was out with this cold on Friday, and I wrote a summary to an imaginary KITM. The summary to that summary: Tech bros created Spanish language dialect sensitive AI chatbots algorithm linked to young male Latino social media accounts based on what countries they follow in soccer, or any other niche criteria. They then had disinformation and conspiracy theories tailored specifically to them, but with the ultimate goal being GOTV for Donald Trump. Or to sum up that summary, while we were door-knocking, they were TikTokking. So, President Donald Trump was… look, all that takes more typing than he’s worth. I’m going with D this term. D’s dictating his cabinet. No Hulk Hogan or Kid Rock, but he might be thinking SCOTUS with them. Susie Wiles will head up Apartheid when Elon’s busy and otherwise will be the focus of media fluff pieces on her grandmotherly charm. Elise Stefanik and Marco Rubio will… Wait, don’t they hate D? Doesn’t he hate them? Sure, they all hate each other. Never Trumpers are just Trumpers who haven’t been assigned a position yet. Which brings us to Jonathan V. Last and the Bulwark, who urge us to let the Reich be the Reich, those things historically burn themselves out in around 4 years or so, no worries. Kevin Roberts, chief architect of Project 2025, hasn’t found a Reichstag to burn, but does have an otherwise well-rounded list of incendiary targets. Roberts has named the Boy Scouts and Loudoun Schools, but conspicuously snubbed David Waldman for his pyre. Schools urge parents to be more sympathetic to the sexual harassing children. Black people are urged to pick cotton. Vladimir Putin is itching to take his new country out for a test drive, after all he was promised 24-hour delivery. The Russia-Ukraine war will be over in a day… that is, if no one else objects. Russian TV broadcast images of Melania Trump nude with the United States Seal behind her. If you want a picture of Melania with a Navy Seal behind her, it’ll cost you extra. Judge Juan Merchan delayed his immunity decision in the NY hush money case, because, why not? Phil Williams, who we needed 500 more of the last ten years, has joined Bluesky.

David Waldman, brought to you by Cold-EEZE®, brings us a Monday KITM. How have we failed? Here, let Greg Dworkin count the ways. Turns out that we were all kinds of stupid until a few days ago, but far too dumb for it to dawn on us until now. We were idiots, idiotic in myriads of interconnected ways that will require this program and others years to explore in full. First mistake, we elected Joe Biden. Then we tried to elect a Black woman. I mean, what were we thinking? We simply forgot to pretend we were what we are not, which is either a tried and true political technique, or the reason that people hate politicians… one of those. The news will explain which one it is to us soon, I hope. What do us dummies get for our lack of intelligence? A brand-new streamlined government that won’t ever need to slow down to get our opinions on everything. Heck, we won’t even need a president soon. President Musk… well, acting president Trump demands that the next Senate leader allow recess appointments, so that the next Senate leader can be the leader of nothing. Trump could skip the legislative branch to directly corrupt the judicial branch, thus more than doubling his available golfing hours... Elon already picked Rick Scott for Donald, so when is tee time? The only thing we have going for us is that they are even more stupid, if that’s possible. Rudy Giuliani got a handout of $200 thousand to keep him from starving to death or ever having to apply for a SNAP card.

Not a great time to be stricken by a nasty cold, but that’s among the many unfortunate turns we’ve been dealt this week! But we haven’t been carted away in irons just yet. We’ll be back on Monday. But until then, it’s another time-travel episode. As usual, the theme is “this time last year.” Because “what it was like last time we did this” was just too much. A year ago today... The collective sigh of relief here at KITM World Headquarters probably delayed our first local snowfall by weeks. Host David Waldman and Guest Star Greg Dworkin are here today to do whatever the opposite is of “fret” … (We might not have a word for that.) We won. That is, we the people of the United States who care about democracy and what not. Dems romped, Gops flopped, pretty much everywhere, notably in Ohio, as voters knew Republican gaslighting by heart after seeing it being used to failure in state after state before them. Freedom and liberty continue to reign as the Buckeye State turns a new leaf. Ohio Republicans pledge to continue to fight freedom, liberty and the rights of individuals until their last breaths. Virginia won big by helping Glenn Youngkin lose big. Loudoun County of course did their state proud. Even Pennsylvania triumphed and extended their Democratic majority. Pundits wonder if all this winning should worry Joe Biden and embolden Donald Trump, and someone continues to pay them. Someone keeps paying House Republicans also, including even Marjorie Traitor Greene. At least Marge is out there proposing some staff cuts. Republicans understand that the biggest obstacle to their governing would be democracy, and no one is more behind that idea than Donald Trump. George Stephanopoulos would like to know where people stand on this before his interviews. Hey, now that you’re in a good mood, isn’t it a great time to consider donating to one or more grassroots campaigns as we head into the Big One next November?

Let’s see… We lost Tester and Brown. We kept Greene and Boebert. And soon both Biden and Trump will be spending more time brushing up on their golf. Why does it feel like the math isn’t right? David Waldman and Greg Dworkin try to help cypher it out. First things first, whose fault is it? Maybe anti-incumbent sentiment drove voters to the former President running for his third or fourth term, or it was the insidious far left media… or maybe a plurality of dumbass voters just like Trump. Young Latino males made a huge shift to Donald Trump. Was it economic anxiety? Racism? Sexism? Well, yes… but who motivated them to vote? Gops win elections through voters who don’t trust the government. Therefore, once elected they will strive to make it less trustable. People made poor then vote for people to make them poorer. Here in Ohio, there was a campaign to reduce gerrymandering, and a campaign to confuse voters about what they were voting for. I can tell you that an issue that takes up more than 2 pages of a ballot to describe is pretty tempting to skip over. David can tell you about how this trick has been used before. Will Trump go to jail? No. Will Trump be sentenced? No. Will anyone connected to Trump’s crime sprees go to jail? No… Other than Jack Smith, maybe.

The good news is that we won’t be reading all the Post and Times articles telling us it’s time to reach out to MAGA, across the aisle to Gops, pardon Trump to unite the country, etc. Otherwise, you know, it sucks. Our bubble was fun and all while it lasted, but theirs turned out to be a bit more accurate. Probably because theirs now speaks in many national, regional, and local Spanish dialects, and we use Google Translate. It was Hispanic vs. Women’s outreach, and the women won when it was something that didn’t involve men, like pregnancy. David Waldman showed up to work today, and Greg Dworkin had a Raft O’ Stories™, which we sunk in the harbor after we keelhauled the pollsters and fed them to sharks. Oh, a few items washed up on shore... Russian fake bomb threats, FBI impersonators, billionaire ratfuckers, bad cops, Supreme Court Justices with multiple allegiances… little things that used to feel kind of relevant but are simply microscopic compared to what’s next. Wait, don’t leave sad! There must be some good news around here… Ann Johnson Stewart won a special election which gave DFL control of the Minnesota Senate! And uhm, Democrats broke the Republican supermajority in the North Carolina General Assembly! Hooray!

David Waldman counts down the days until Thanksgiving and Christmas… both due in about 4 days if all goes well… Gops cut the money to monitor elections, making it much easier for MAGA to create problems. Trump’s Supreme Court skips Congress, the Constitution, precedence, whatever, to disenfranchise voters. Donald Trump relentlessly lies, cynically grifts, maniacally rants, and viciously threatens... Every. Single. Day. Donald Trump wants you to accept this as normal. And we are… at least half of us, or maybe, maybe, a few less than half of us. 10 years ago, the only thing normalized about Trump was his raping… Okay, his racism, fraud, criminal connections, ineptitude, too. Maybe a few more things… maybe a lot more things. Family man Elon Musk was considered a bit weird back in the day as well. People who vote in person can be terrorized. People who use drop boxes can be terrorized as well. A so far pretty unsuccessful ballot box burner is being described as a balding 40-year-old white male against occupying Gaza, into metal crafts, and driving a Volvo on the streets of Portland… well, that cuts it down. Meta’s weaknesses are many, as their defenses seem mostly reactive, and bots are designed to actively exploit them. A Russian court ordered Google to pay $20 decillion, making Trump wish he went bigger in his $10 billion lawsuit against CBS. Donald will probably go quattuordecillion in his upcoming lawsuit against Trump Media. Kenneth Chesebro won’t be his lawyer, though. They say that the only thing that can stop a bad government database of gun owners is a good government database of gun owners. Tucker Carlson only wishes that the demons he sleeps with would have the common courtesy to trim their nails before they came to bed.

Happy Halloween! Even David “Wooooo” Waldman and Greg “Disquieting” Dworkin can’t scare us any more than we already are. For Halloween, Donald Trump appeared in Wisconsin sporting his unwiped butthole face accessorized by a reflective vest and came so tantalizingly close to falling on his head before taking a ride in a garbage truck… in the front this time. Garbage-Man, Garbage-Man! Toss him into that garbage can. Blocking peen, any size, MAGA eats it up, just like flies! Look out! Here comes the Garbage-Man! But wait… what do the polls say? They say it’s a close one, and about 10 people’s votes will count. Ah, but which 10 is now the question, eh? It’s time for some 19th Amendment solutions for our problems. More than half of us will vote before election day, with some surprising niches backing Kamala Harris, like Arnold Schwarzenegger! Who knows who will pop up tomorrow, but they probably won’t be for Donald Trump. KITM Senior Amenities Correspondent Darwin Darko is not positively Yelping the Kamala Harris Eclipse overflow space experience but figures it could be a sign of her campaign’s overperformance. Kamala is getting a few Halloween treats, so Gops are working on some Mike Johnson tricks to even things out. Yet, they keep forgetting to leave the bag on the step when they light it on fire to run away. The Trump Supreme Court is fine tuning their voter disenfranchisement with 1600 voters tossed to them from Glenn Youngkin. Want to see something scary? Check out this North Carolina superintendent race.

We’re under a week to go! Well, under a week until we transition into Trump’s post-election chaos plans. We’re also on Day 3 of fallout from the Madison Square Garden debacle. So it was high time that the Gop attempt to manufacture some counter-outrage. But it didn’t take, largely because Kamala Harris supporters turned out so, well, largely, at the Ellipse. Greg Dworkin was on hand to round up the day’s news and themes, commentary on the strength of the economy, late-breaking state-of-the-race items, and of course, reminders of what’s at stake. Quants will enjoy parsing the stats on early, in-person (EIP) voting, and some more of those polls that can’t actually tell you much. Why can’t they tell you much? Well, we’ve got that, too. Oh, and speaking of EIP voting, do you know why that’s so much better to do in Connecticut than voting absentee, now that it’s available to you? Greg does! As if to signal the end of the Era of the Newspaper, Gannett and others now join the parade of non-endorsing papers. But the Gannett order goes much further than just their flagship, USAToday. And it also turns out that the manipulation at the LA Times goes much further, as well. The panic is setting in over in the Trump camp, so the accusations are ramping up. And as you know, Every Republican Accusation is a Confession.™ So what are they confessing to? Well, in Pennsylvania, it’ll be fake video of “vote” tampering. In Minnesota, it’s just plain voter fraud. While in Indiana, it’s a ballot theft. By someone who was, just recently, on the ballot. Somehow, though, repeatedly getting caught does not persuade Republicans that voter fraud — let alone large-scale voter fraud — would actually be quite difficult. From TikTok World comes a reminder that even old news can be new news to somebody. In this case — because it’s TikTok — it’s “the kids.” And “the kids” are alright. Although we definitely feel their pain as they discover, for the first time as adults, the Access Hollywood tape. More specifically, what it means to find out that their fathers, uncles, brothers, pastors, etc. knew about this years ago, and have been voting for Trump ever since. Still to come, if the story can break through some time in the near future: Elon Musk, immigration hypocrite. What? No way!

It’s Tuesday, the day David Waldman reserves to discuss the latest happenings with KITM’s leading political expert, himself. Hey, have you heard the latest jokes from Donald Trump’s New York rally? They’re being told and retold across the US. Some people laughed. Many people didn’t. Imagine the hilarity had the woke organizers not censored everyone. No one has a sense of humor anymore. No one, except whoever decided to let Steven KG Bannon out of jail 6 days before the election. That’s some humor there. Who was at Donald’s lovefest? Somebody definitely knows. Trump’s axis insist, “Nein, wir sind keine Nazis! Das ist ein Liebesfest!” Trump promises to hire Elon Musk if elected. Donald might need Elon to run Truth Social. Also, Trump doesn’t need FBI vetting his appointees. Donald knows what he’s looking for. David had wondered what would happen if ballots in drop boxes were destroyed. Apparently, so did an arsonist or two in a few states so far. Of course, there is more than one way to destroy a ballot, and MAGAs are working on them all. Remember Kamala Harris Jeff Bezos still can’t quite recall the name

David Waldman counts down the days until it all ends. Hopefully not everything... but hopefully most things. Meanwhile, Greg Dworkin counts how many items he can place onto the KITM story conveyor belt before his hour is up. Sunday’s MAGANAZI rally in New York might be Donald Trump’s last big rally, wouldn’t that be nice? Other than that, there was nothing nice about it. It turns out that a lot of straight white men think it’s uniquely edgy hilarious to joke about people who aren’t them, especially with setups and punchlines at a minimum over a century old. Gags that apple head dolls Newt and Callista laughed at back in the day are somehow brand new again. The original German has now become the original Trump. If Donald had said the opening quips for instance, no one would have noticed. In fact, corporate media would not have noticed this had pesky readers not pointed it out to them. Who knew there were Puerto Ricans in the United States? Clearly, after all that crap, the winner is Kamala Harris… Other than the fact that I just shared about twenty links on Trump with you before a single Harris one… Little shards of attention being passed around a million different ways about Trump, good or bad, are still about Trump. Trump’s where the clicks are, the clicks are where the money is, and the money doesn’t want to upset that. Good thing that elections aren’t won by clicks, yet. Still, Republicans have held thousands of zoom meetings to manufacture misinformation in order to dismantle democracy. If Trump gets in, he will make certain that no one is bothered by the details of what he’s up to ever again.