Hope for the Caregiver

From a major milestone to "the secret of triumph" to precision pastoring, we cover quite a bit of ground in this Hope for the Caregiver episode. www.hopeforthecaregiver.com

Losing her tennis phenom mother to cancer at 12 years old, Cindy felt God was punishing her by allowing her mom to die. A few years later, a friend helped her understand the Gospel - and that knowledge grew to a sustaining faith when cancer once again invaded Cindy's life. www.brinkersimmons.com

Recall a situation where you witnessed an adult overreacting. Did it catch you off-guard? Did it make you uneasy? A psychiatrist friend once shared a valuable insight with his team: "When you see a patient overreact or act out, always remember there's a story behind that behavior." Understanding this 'story' is crucial for caregivers dealing with individuals exhibiting frenetic or hyper behavior, as it allows them to approach the situation with empathy and patience. Adults don't lose self-control in a vacuum—there's a build-up and a story behind their behavior. When caregivers find themselves in the unpleasant predicament of engaging an individual with frenetic or hyper behavior, it's helpful to remember that the behavior is more significant than the moment. Reminding ourselves that "there's a story" enables us to speak to the deeper issues driving the outburst—which often requires assurance rather than reason. Arguing with a long-term wound is futile. Caring for that wound and its symptoms remains a more effective response. As caregivers, we encounter those panicking about pocket-sized problems. Outbursts of a temporary or minor problem are rooted in a long journey that could stretch back a lifetime. Detaching from the immediate eruption allows us to understand better and address the volcanic turbulence behind the explosion. However, it starts with us remembering, "If it's hysterical, it's historical" - and there's always a story behind the behavior. We are not makers of history. We are made by history. —Martin Luther King Jr.

Kelly O'Connor joined my program today to discuss how she's helping families navigate the complexity of caregiving - particularly with seniors. Kelly and Gracie grew up together - and Kelly is one of us. Not only does she have SIGNIFICANT caregiving experience, but look what she's done with it. With specialized certifications in Gerontology, Dementia Care, and Life Coaching and a master's degree in Spiritual Psychology, Kelly brings over 14 years of dedicated experience to the table. Having assisted nearly 2,000 individuals and their families, her insights are a treasure trove for those navigating the complexities of aging. Whether it's providing caregiver coaching or empowering older adults to embrace their next chapter, she offers compassionate guidance rooted in profound expertise. Join us as we delve into her wealth of knowledge and discover how she's transforming lives one conversation at a time. Connect with her and explore the possibilities at Calendly - Kelly O'Connor, MA, CSA, CPRS, CDP Get on her calendar for a conversation - no strings attached. Tell her I sent you, and you can trust her. She really knows what she's doing - and has helped a lot of folks through some rough patches. https://calendly.com/kellyoconnor

Following the loss of her own legs, Gracie resolved to provide quality prosthetic limbs for fellow amputees. In 2005, she and I developed a unique partnership with the Ghana Health Service to train and equip local workers to fabricate limbs for their own people. We call it Standing With Hope.

Many caregivers struggle with decades-old promises to make sure to “never put Mom in a nursing home.” When making that promise, most recall healthier times when the thought of entering a facility seemed far on the horizon. Reality sneaks up on the best of us, and we find ourselves faced with uncomfortable circumstances. The promise’s tether can quickly transform into a noose around the neck of a family caregiver unable to meet the demands of a horrific condition. From personal safety to medical expertise, caregivers easily find themselves outmatched by an affliction—and overpowered by guilt. Despite the promise’s sincerity, its roots often stem from ignorance about the peripheral havoc disease and injury can cause. Disparity and unsustainability quickly appear when a caregiver demands of herself what an entire paid staff of people in a memory care facility accomplishes. The promise must face honest scrutiny to reflect the commitment to caring for a loved one as best one can. When demands exceed ability, changes must occur—and help must be enlisted. The challenge for caregivers is seeking counsel from objective, experienced, and trained individuals to regularly evaluate conditions and possible paths regularly. As we promise to care, let us also commit to caring well. We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. —Dolly Parton FROM: A MINUTE FOR CAREGIVERS - WHEN EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE MONDAY

When Carole Leathem’s husband, Bill, first began his battle with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, she had no idea years of rejection and identity issues would come to a head. After all, when you’re the wife of a senior pastor, there are certain expectations that come with it. Imperfection and mental illness are not among them. Visit Carole's Site: https://www.thecaretakersjourney.com/ Get Carole's Book

A close pastor friend of mine called me after burying his beloved dog. While digging the hole, he wept while angrily reflecting on how much he hated death. The conversation turned to the countless funerals he presided over during his ministry—I played the piano for many of those services. We talked a bit longer about some of the cherished families we ministered to during those funerals and discussed our shared anger at death. Then he said something that’s never left me. “Do you know who hates death more?” “God hates death,” he stated quietly. Pausing, he added, “He hates it so much that He took it upon Himself to provide a way to defeat death.” When Jesus stood at His friend Lazarus’s grave, John 11:38 shares that He was “deeply moved.” Some translations state that anger welled up in Jesus—anger at death. Mere weeks after standing at Lazarus’s tomb, on what we celebrate as Easter Sunday, Jesus indeed conquered death, but at an immeasurable cost to Himself. “Please—Aslan,” said Lucy, “can anything be done to save Edmund?” “All shall be done,” said Aslan. “But it may be harder than you think.” —C. S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

From the challenges of finding one's footing in music to navigating the fog of fear and obligation, we explore the caregiver's journey - and what happens when we lose our way. How do we get back on track? Listen for a compelling discussion shedding light on the struggles and triumphs of caring for a loved one. www.hopeforthecaregiver.com

Winston Churchill stated, "We are masters of unsaid words and slaves to those we let slip out." As caregivers, we live in a pressure cooker - and often spout off things we wish we could reclaim. Sometimes, we have to bite our tongues and learn to like the taste of blood. In this opening monologue from the program, I discuss this issue that affects everyone - it is the human condition - but we, as caregivers, can be exceptionally prone to this. TRANSCRIPT (there may be typos) Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver. Healthy caregivers make better caregivers and this program is designed to help the family caregiver stay strong and healthy while taking care of someone who is not. If that describes you, well guess what? You're in the right place. Hope for the Caregiver.com For me, that's a big deal for me. I mean, you know, it's not Joe Rogan or anything, but for me, I was really quite stunned because years ago when I started doing this program, people looked at me and said, how in the world are you going to talk about caregivers for an hour? How are you going to do this for an hour? I was literally asked that by friends of mine. I mean, people who were very successful in what they do, and they said, this is not going to work. And then, I told you, the radio station that I've originally talked to, they said, we don't see this as being a viable program. Well, here we are. And by the way, that was in 2011. Here we are 13 years later, 800-something episodes, almost 250,000 downloads, and we're just getting warmed up because this issue is not going to go away. If You Love Somebody, You Will Most Likely Be a Caregiver. If You Live Long Enough, You Will Need One. It is the human condition. I was watching on social media the other day, somebody posted a thing, said, what is something you really need as a caregiver? You know, it was really kind of emotional and I appreciate that. That's good. And I was like, I just need somebody to tell me where my grocery list is. Where are my keys? Where's my wallet? You know, I appreciate people getting very sensitive about it you know and we all get emotional we all get frustrated all that kind of stuff but I mean I don't need to sit down and watch the Hallmark Channel and kind of cry it out you know I'm just not there maybe you are I'm not I'm approaching the end of four decades of this you know and as I as 39 years ago in May I went through my first surgery with Gracie So I've been doing this for a long time and there's a point where this is your life and you don't really spend a lot of time trying to emote about it. It is what it is. Let's move on. What can we do? What can we accomplish? And how can I get better through this? How can I become better? What can I become through this? Not how do I get out of it? What can I become through this? How Can I Go Deeper? And that brings me to today's caregiver quote. Our caregiver quote comes from the very quotable Winston Churchill. You all know I'm a fan. Very few world leaders have the place in history that Winston Churchill does and had the impact We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out. We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out. While those words remain in our mind, we're still in control of them. But once they come out, they own us for good or bad. And it's something worthy of our consideration as caregivers. We live with enormous amounts of stress. And on any given day, at any given time, we could be rather brittle. Surely I'm not the only one. I mean, raise a hand. How many of you all get brittle at times? So it's easy to pop off and say things we really wish we hadn't have said. Now let's go deeper because as great as Churchill is, there's one greater. Matthew 12, 36, he said, I tell you, on the day of judgment, people will give...

Host of the popular podcast Nutshell Sermons, recording artist Bryan Duncan (Grammy and Dove award winner) shares his journey as a caregiver for his wife - and his book, "Dear God ...Really? Prayers You Won't Hear in Church.

As caregivers, we often must make decisions that benefit the whole unit - not Just one person. We get into the trap as caregivers where we're thinking of someone almost to the exclusion of everyone else,. I understand why - because that person has extreme needs. But as a caregiver, YOU are meeting many of those extreme needs. What happens if you don't consider the person meeting the extreme needs? You must think of the whole unit. SHOW TRANSCRIPT: (May Contain Typos) If you feel that you are operating out of guilt or fear or any of those things, what kind of decisions are you going to make? See, that's the whole point of this program. I'm not here to give caregiving tips. We'll have them. I mean, you can't help but have them. We're going to talk about it. We'll swerve into all kinds of things, whether it's, you know, handicap-accessible features or taking up the throw rugs or how to deal with an insurance company, how to deal with doctors. Yeah, we'll cover all that. I got that. Okay. But how many of us make good decisions when we are gripped with fear, guilt, or obligation? And how long do you think you can make decisions if you feel obligated to do this, you feel trapped to do this, you feel like this is what you're supposed to do? How long before that turns into full-blown resentment? How many of you are already there? That you're struggling with this right now and you just feel resentful. And I took a temperature of our Facebook group the other day. In one word, describe how you feel. And you see the dynamics of what people are dealing with. They're afraid, they're worn out, they're mad, they're exhausted, depressed. It's all over the map. How Many Good Decisions Are Made With Those Kinds Of Feelings? And then we have to have an anchor point that helps us make good decisions, regardless of what we're feeling or, sometimes, what we're seeing with our very eyes. What I mean by that is many of us have to look at suffering and we cannot allow that suffering to dictate good decision making. We have to think clearly. We have to detach from that somewhat. They're depending on us to do it. I mean, think about when you're in a situation when you're hurting; how many good decisions do you make when you've sprained your ankle or broken your leg or fallen and got yourself cut or whatever? You're kind of almost in panic mode sometimes when you get to that level of trauma. How many good decisions are you making? Well, that's the same point that our loved ones have to deal with, and they count on us to do it. But if we are so paralyzed is a good word, but it's not just paralyzed. If we're so encumbered by all these other things, whether it be fear, obligation to guilt, resentment, terror, or any of those things, what are you going to do? Somebody has got to step back away from that and have a clear head. And if you don't do it as a caregiver for your loved one, who is in line behind you to do it? So that's our reality. Somebody has got to keep a cool head. Now that's hard to do. And I would suggest to you that you can't do it on your own. You're going to need help to do this. And that's why this program is anchored in what Scripture says. What does God say? Now, I promise you, I've looked. There is no place in Scripture where I have found any type of clear instructions on how to deal as a husband caring for his wife For Somebody with 86 Surgeries, Both Legs Amputated, and Going on for 40 Years. I've looked. It ain't in there. Okay? Not there. But there are a lot of scriptures that talk about fear, feeling...

Comedian and long-time Sinatra pal Tommy Dreesen tells a wonderful story about Frank Sinatra and a pair of cufflinks. This story has a powerful lesson for all of us, but particularly for those of us serving as caregivers. This and more from our broadcast on March 9, 2024 “None of this belongs to us, and as soon as we die, someone else is going to get it. It's going to transfer. Somebody will be wearing our stuff, driving our car, living in our home, and living on our land.” - Frank Sinatra

When I launched a caregiver outreach, I established a goal to help provide caregivers with a vocabulary that helped identify their feelings and needs. Without understanding, help remains elusive. In this bonus segment from our broadcast, I provide two unusual examples of how caregivers feel on any given day. I do this to not only give fellow caregivers that understanding, but those who seek to help them, as well.

Covering a lot of ground in this episode as I delve into how we choose to view our circumstances as caregivers in light of what Scripture teaches. www.hopeforthecaregiver.com

For several years, Pat Montague has produced my broadcast, Hope for the Caregiver. I recently talked with her about her own journey as a caregiver. “I have learned that leaning on the Lord for whatever he has in store is much more comfortable than resisting, fighting, and railing against what I don't like. I would have not chosen amputation for my husband, I'll be honest. He had other options that he could have taken, but I was astounded when he made that decision.I didn't agree with it at the time. Now I certainly do. But leaning into the Lord and saying, Father, whatever you have, I will submit myself to it. Being willing to do that makes a huge difference in how things come out because they're not the same thing. You can rail and fight, and you're not going to change your perspective. You're not going to change your circumstances for any amount of money. And so yielding and just saying, Lord, have your way and help me to accept it have been huge lessons for me. And it has not come easy because, yes, I've always known I had that part of my personality that I was willing to go toe-to-toe when I knew I was right.”

TRANSCRIPT: This is the program for you as a family caregiver. Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. You know about that last block, I ought to have a thing where you guys, y'all send us some lyrics for the song. Maybe we'll figure out which one's the best one, and I'll get Gracie to sing it when she starts getting better. What do you think? Because she said, Gracie was very worried. She said, look, I've got to get my voice into shape. I said, well, you've got time, darling. You're just now three months out of surgery, so give yourself a little bit of grace here. And yet, it would be kind of fun to have her sing this song. This is the theme for Peter's show. All right, enough of that frivolity and jocularity. I've been having a conversation ongoing with several different caregivers in the midst of their caregiving and I've challenged them and I'm going to challenge you because I've challenged myself. I do not subscribe to this belief that we as caregivers wait until the circumstances of our loved ones change before we start changing. You all know that. If you've listened to this show for any amount of time, you're going to know that the point is that we change no matter what's going on around us. That we can improve. We can get healthier. And I recognize that we are constrained by Our Journey As Caregivers. I get that. I really get that. Now, let me give you some context. I've been a caregiver since I was 22. I asked Gracie to marry me when I was 22 years old. Bless her heart for her lack of judgment. But here we are, 38 years later. During that entire time, I have been her caregiver. Now, some days have not been quite as dire as others. And then some days have been extremely dire. I mean, when you have the kind of journey we've had. So at some point, and I can't remember exactly when, but I had to make a pivotal decision that this is not going to change. So therefore I must. I kept thinking if we could just get around that corner, if we could just get over that hill, then... I can be settled and content and learn to be productive. This is what's holding me back. And so we've got to get through this. And I would strive towards this. I'm not by any means proud of these things. I mean, I'm horrifically embarrassed by it. But I'm sharing these things with you because I believe that so many of you have those same kind of feelings. If we could just get through this, if he would just stop doing this, if she would just stop doing this, if we could just get mama onto Jesus, if we could just, if, if, if, if, if, then I could be productive, then I could be at peace, then I could be successful, all of those things. Now, if I'm the only one that has had this internal conversation So be it. But I don't think I am. All right? So if you've had this internal conversation, then I'm talking to you. Okay? This is for you. This is just you and me now. Two people who have had these types of thoughts that have weighed heavy on us and it's changed our behavior. It's forced us into a pattern of striving and and unsettledness unrest angst that is at times overpowering okay so just so we're on the same page just you and me all right here's what happened with me once I made that decision that this is my life this is the way it is it's not going to change anytime soon I cannot affect what has happened to Gracie. I didn't cause it. I can't change it. All I can do is care for her in this. And the best way to care for her is to make sure that I am productive, healthy, spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, professionally, all of the above. You've heard me say it now hundreds of times. Healthy caregivers Make better caregivers. I am no good to Gracie if I am fat, broken, miserable. I am no good to Gracie if I stroke out. I cannot guarantee that things won't happen to me, but I live my life in a way to protect that so that I don't take unnecessary...

Recently, at a caregiver support group I lead, a man who is caring for his wife suffering from Alzheimer's, shared how she repeatedly peppers him with the same question. "I sighed for a moment in my heart," he said. "And then I said to myself, 'He's got this; answer her question.'" Listening to him, I thought, "What a tremendous statement of faith; to look at somebody who is suffering from Alzheimer's who asks the same question over and over ... and over. He stopped himself from getting agitated and preached to himself. "He's Got This. Answer her question." That's a worthy goal for all of us to aspire to incorporate in our lives: recognizing that God has this, and we can meet others where they are - not where we wished they could be.

People become disoriented in the journey of caregiving. Caregivers often think, "Okay, if I could get them to stop acting like this, if I could just get through this next procedure; if we could just see if we could stop this particular thing from happening, then we can have the contentment and the peace and the satisfaction or the stability that we're craving." How's that working for you? How's that working for any of us? It's like we have this stick out in front of us, dangling this carrot of things going how we want them to be, but we can never get to it. And we're constantly striving for that because we see it. And if it would just be this way, we'd be okay. But see, that's the kind of thing promulgated in our society. That is the conventional wisdom of this world. "Get What You Want, Get What You Think You Need, and You Can Be Settled in Your Spirit, and You Can Be Happy, You Can Be Content." That is in direct opposition to what Scripture teaches.

“Everything I do is to help talk my fellow caregivers off a ledge because people have done this for me. People get so disoriented in the journey of caregiving. Caregivers often think, "Okay, if I could get them to stop acting like this, if I could just get through this next procedure; if we could just see if we could stop this particular thing from happening, then we can have the contentment and the peace and the satisfaction or the stability that we're craving." How's that working for you? How's that working for any of us? It's like we have this stick out in front of us, dangling this carrot of things going how we want them to be, but we can never get to it. And we're constantly striving for that because we see it. And if it would just be this way, we'd be okay. But see, that's the kind of thing promulgated in our society. That is the conventional wisdom of this world. "Get What You Want, Get What You Think You Need, and You Can Be Settled in Your Spirit, and You Can Be Happy, You Can Be Content." That is in direct opposition to what Scripture teaches.