The Potential State Podcast

Change is not easy. Many individuals and couples are lacking a blueprint for long-term systemic change. In this talk, we integrate Joseph Campbell's Hero Journey monomyth with systemic change concepts and our Potential State ideas and present our integrated systemic hero's journey model. Practical tips will help you recognize which stage you are in the journey and how to advance toward your goals. Good luck! Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Hey Man (or woman), Are you alive or are you somewhat turned off, numb, or somewhat apathetic? If so, you're not alone. You might be suffering from the under-diagnosed phenomenon of the covert male depression, as first described by Terrance Real. In this talk, taken from a webinar for therapists, I share my story of covert depression and detail how this covert depression begins through psychological patriarchy, how it evolves and manifests through a limited relational and emotional repertoire, and its long-term (negative) effects on their intimate relationships. Practical tips are given on how to engage and soften this depression. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Are you living your full self? Are you manifesting all your different passions and talents? Some of us have multiple passions, and don't want to commit to only one profession. That is called being a Multipotentialite (coined by Emilie Wapnick), or slashers. How can you live a multipotentialite life? This is an honest talk with friend Tal Shibi who is a slasher: dance/choreographer/photographer/director/actor/shiatsu practitioner. In this talk we explore how multipotentialites are born, bred, and raised through my personal story of how I got to teach at a dance school without learning dance, and to be an artistic director of a professional playback theater company without going to acting school. We explore the relationship and the (shallow) division between the worlds of art, therapy, and education. Along the way, we laugh and challenge each other to grow. We also talk about what is art and how we can reclaim the title of "an artist" in our life. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Many of us learn at a young age (especially boys) that vulnerability=weakness. We therefore try to hide it and don't show it to our partners. This results in shallow, self-presentational relationships with little vitality, excitement, play or curiosity. Moreover, when you're not vulnerable, then you're less interesting to your partner and over time you become more numb to your own inner workings. The solution? practice the ability of vulnerability. The more you'll show, the more free you'll feel. But how can I be more vulnerable (especially if I'm not used to it)? In this talk, we unpack the issue of vulnerability in intimate relationships, using examples from our marriage and the clinic. Practical tips will help you dare to be more vulnerable in a safe and gradual way. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. Check out more of our content: Blog on Psychology Today YouTube channel Facebook page Podcast show link Twitter Support the show

Fighting is inevitable in every intimate relationship. Most of us don't like, don't know how, or don't even know when we are fighting. Yet arguments and conflicts are a crucial element in building an intimate, differentiated relationship. Too bad there isn't a blueprint for a "positive" fight and make up... Well, actually, there is! In this talk, we share a recommended three-stage model for the positive fight and make up, which will help turn your disputes into relational diamonds. Inspired by the wonderful book After the Fight by Dan Wile, we use our last vicious fight and make up to show how this process is manifested. Practical tips will help you leverage your next fight to deeper intimacy. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. Check out more of our content: Blog on Psychology Today YouTube channel Facebook page Podcast show link Twitter Support the show

Many of us find ourselves in charge or a certain dimension of our relationship alone, be it cleaning, financial planning, parenting, and more. This sole responsibility is often a source of tension and frustration in the dyad. This universal pattern is called the seesaw principle (as coined my Michelle Weiner Davis), where the more one person does, the less the other partner does. In this talk we unpack the seesaw principle in intimate relationships through examples from our marriage and the clinic and offer practical advice to help you both find a more collaborative, interdependent partnership. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. Check out more of our content: Blog on Psychology Today YouTube channel Facebook page Podcast show link Twitter Support the show

Bitterness. Usually it is a passing feeling, but sometimes we encounter a partner who is constantly bitter, and their partner who is trying to cheer them up (or avoid them). It is so common that it has become almost a stereotype. Women express bitterness through criticism, pessimism, grogginess, and overall negativity. Men express this feeling through cynicism, apathy, aggression, or passive aggressive behavior. In this talk, we unpack bitterness and explain why it is so common in intimate relationships, especially in women, through examples from the clinic and our marriage. Practical tips will help you become less bitter and more playful. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. Check out more of our content: Blog on Psychology Today YouTube channel Facebook page Podcast show link Twitter Support the show

Do you have a sense your partner is sticking it to you but they keep denying it? Do you or your partner deny certain bad behaviors to each other? We all sometimes semi-consciously act in small negative ways to our partners - David Schnarch calls this phenomenon "Normal Marital Sadism". After all, the opposite of love is apathy (not hatred). So we all do it. But when one partner continuously denies aggressive, belittling, or mean relational behavior, in a way that makes their partner doubt themselves and their perception - that is called Gaslighting. Gaslighting is real and happens in all relationships in one form or another. In this talk, we unpack the phenomenon of Gaslighting and it's tax on relationships, through examples from the clinic and our marriage. Practical tips will help you stop (or at least minimize) Gaslighting in your relationship today. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Are you (or your partner) super driven to be efficient? Is it hard for you to lower your productivity and just be? If so, you're not alone. Efficiency is actually a wonderful trait but can also function as a defense mechanism. That is why we call it E-FISH-NET, a big (electronic) net that catches all of you and takes you hostage. What is the solution? To be more present, to do less things in more time, to be DIS(C)organized. But how? In this talk, we unpack the need to be efficient and its relational tolls through examples from our life and the clinic. Practical tips will help you soften the need to be E-FISH-NET, and enjoy the moment more. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

The 'lost' years of a couple's life occur after about 7-10 years: kids, mortgage, school, aging parents, careers, bills, chores, marriage is stable, annoying in-laws, holidays, boredom, fatigue, routine... For most couples these years tend to feel 'comfortably numb' and are sometimes disrupted with a rude awakening in the form of an affair, medical or family drama. These naturally latent years sometimes lead couples to think that they lost their spark and occasionally choose to divorce due to unfamiliarity with the unavoidable dynamics of this stage in life. Yet these somewhat lethargic years need not be lost! In this talk with Dr. Micha Belzer, a couple and family therapist, we discuss the uncomfortable truths about this life cycle stage and what steps can be taken in order to keep the couple hungry, playful, foolish, growing and engaged. Examples are given from my work with couples in that cohort. Practical tips are shared to help prevent these years from becoming dormant. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

"I know all there is to know about the crying game..." Boy George Crying is a natural and organic way to express and release emotions. Yet crying in relationship is not always easy: Some of us cry very often (over-crying) and some of us find it hard to cry at all (blocked cryers). Both of these extremes have advantages and disadvantages, and both don't facilitate a healthy expression of feeling in relationships. In this talk, we unpack why and how partners avoid or over-emphasize crying in their intimate relationship through examples from our marriage and the clinic. Practical tips will help you learn the art of relational crying today. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

"If I can't see your selfishness, I can't believe your generosity." Betty Martin Many of us have a problem expressing our desires and wants in our intimate relationships. Why? For men, this can stem from psychological patriarchy that deems wanting, vulnerability or need as something negative. For others, not wanting protects us from rejection or ridicule. But if we don't express our wants, then we become bitter, and lonely. Over time, our partner will begin to assume we don't want anything, and that we're always content- which makes us less interesting. The result? Our needs are not seen or met. The solution? Daring to voice our desires! In this talk we share the different reasons why partners avoid sharing, and the costs of such elusion, through examples from our life and the clinic. Practical tips will help you bravely articulate your desires in your relationship. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Are you a drama queen (or king)? Are you in a relationship with a drama queen? (Truth is that men are the real drama queens.) If so, you probably know how draining and annoying it is interacting with such 'royalty'. But the systemic truth is: You are encouraging them. Yes, there is no drama queen/king without an audience. Underneath such drama, there is usually a cry for attention or a 'love tank' that is empty. Are you looking beyond the queenship drama to see what is the deeper bid? In this talk, we explore this dynamic through examples in our marriage and the clinic. Practical tips will help you soften such dynamic and help both of you feel more seen and valued. For registration and more details on our upcoming webinar exploring the relational power dynamic in relationships - click here! Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox. Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Most of us think that two is the most stable number in relationships. But every dyad needs a third to stabilize it. The process of including a third in a dyad is called triangulation. Triangulation is a natural and unavoidable dynamic that occurs in every relationship. The problems begin with the triangulation is fixed and rigid. It creates a 'lose-lose' dynamic that prevents all three members from raising differentiation and deepening their relationships. In this talk, we discuss the phenomenon of triangulation in intimate relationships through examples of our own marriage and from the clinic. Practical tips will help you lower triangulation in your intimate relationships today. For registration and more details on our upcoming webinar exploring the relational power dynamic in relationships - click here! Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox. Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Imagine all the human emotion would be spread out from 1 being deep despair, all the way to 10 being extreme ecstasy. What would be your range? Which numbers (feelings) are you less familiar with? Many of us are 4-6'ers. We live "between the 40's", keeping it safe, functional but also somewhat numb. In this talk, Galit and I talk about the natural 4-6 phenomenon and its impact on relationships through examples from our own marriage and the clinic. Practical tips will help you expand your emotional range now. For registration and more details on our upcoming webinar exploring the relational power dynamic in relationships - click here! Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox. Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Most of us believe criticism (or constructive feedback) more than praise. Why? Because some of us grew up in homes where criticism was a way to show care. Over time, this environment creates a core belief that "love = criticism". Such a tendency leads to relationships fraught with conflict, cynicism, and sarcasm. In this talk, Galit and Assael unpack this core belief and its effects through examples from their marriage and the clinic. Practical tips will help you soften this tendency and create a more positive, complimentary, generative relationship today. For registration and more details on our upcoming webinar exploring the relational power dynamic in relationships - click here! Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox. Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when" But we'll get together then, dad We're gonna have a good time then... Mothers and fathers feel different kinds of guilt regarding their parenting. Kids grow up fast and we have so many things to do all the time. Times are even more challenging during COVID lock-down. Therefore, the guilt is almost inevitable, but there is hope. You can move from guilt to gratitude. But first, you must name it to tame it. In this talk, Assael shares his guilt and the best practices he's found to reduce them. Galit shares her guilt experience as a m.other who is with the kids 24/7 in lock-down. Together they help parents of all sorts, move from past to future, from regret and shame to learning and growth. For registration and more details on our upcoming webinar exploring the relational power dynamic in parenting and relationships - click here! Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox. Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Do you secretly find it hard to feel and/or express joy in your personal life? Are you in a relationship with a joy killer? If you do, then you're not alone! In the past months, we have discovered that Assael has trouble expressing joy (can you say, a pessimist?), while for Galit joy is a natural and accessible resource (optimist, or as we call her a unicorn). This sent Assael to family therapy with his parents to understand the source of this difficulty - and he came back with some shocking discoveries. Since then we have been talking about it with our clients, only to discover that many people find it hard to recognize and express joy for a myriad of reasons. In this talk, we share what we discovered about joy from our marriage and the clinic. We share both the pessimist and optimist tips on how to recognize and express joy in your life. For registration and more details on our upcoming webinar exploring the relational power dynamic in relationships - click here! Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox! Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Every couple has implicit power struggles in the different areas of their relationship (sex, money, parenting, looks, intelligence, and so on...). We call this the 95/70 rule. It has been our experience that this dynamic is inherently present and shapes the couples' mutual functioning. One of the ways we have been renegotiating our 95/70 contract in the past year, is by having Galit join Assael's podcast. Reflecting on our journey toward working together, we show how this power dynamic hurts relationships and how to soften this power dynamic in order to deepen intimacy, play, and partnership. For the expanded talk on the 95/70 click here. For registration and more details on the 95/70 power dynamic webinar - click here! Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox! Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show

Many of us insist that feedback be precise or else they won't consider it. Yet often this precision serves more as a block, a defense mechanism that prevents our growth. In this talk, I share how people use precision as a sophisticated defense mechanism to keep them safe and prevent pain. Through examples from the clinic, I show the losses of this mechanism and how to allow yourself to "lower your standards" in order to accept influence. Practical tips will help you let more things land and grow. Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox! Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http://podcast.potentialstate.com/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState https://twitter.com/assael Support the show