Gajok • 가족

We recorded our sixth song of the year! And we freaking recorded so early! Today is 16 days before the end of the month! This was the best recording session that we've had so far. I love recording on a Friday. I love recording during the second week of the month. I'm really proud of us for successfully doing this recording, despite the week being difficult for us. And I'm proud of us for recording six songs this year — arguably the most difficult year of my life. Sidenote: Greg is in this episode eating the weirdest freaking dinner. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

I'm a part of this really cool project, created by St. Clair Detrick-Jules, where immigrants from all over the world share an object that they came to the U.S. with when they immigrated. For my object, I chose my mom's wedding rings. In Korea, at least in my parents' generation and before that, it was customary to give your wife two wedding rings that she would wear together on the same finger. I did some research that I will share on tomorrow's episode! But these rings are precious to me because they became my wedding rings. And 아빠's wedding ring became Greg's. 아빠's cancer, Greg's and my wedding, the pandemic, these rings, and a jewelry store 아저씨 in 한아름, all come together to make a very unique and memorable story about these rings. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

My hands and feet are swelling. My fingers look like Vienna sausages. My rings don't fit anymore, so I've had to reconfigure how I wear my rings. I've pulled out an old ring and started wearing it because it's big enough to fit, when usually it's too big to wear on most of my fingers. The ring is one of my mom's two wedding bands — in Korea, you stack two wedding bands as your wedding ring set. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

This is my first Father's Day without 아빠. Greg and I have made a tentative plan for Father's Day, both honoring him and my dad. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

It took a long time for me to feel comfortable to tell people I was pregnant. It was hard to navigate grieving a death, while creating a life. I had so many complex emotions come up during this grief-pregnancy journey. Also, I remembered the power of slowing down this weekend. When I slow down and look around, I notice everything that's always been there. I see things with new eyes — with clarity. On Saturday, I was amazed by the wind, the trees, the leaves, the sky, and the clouds. I was amazed by the interconnectedness of the world, and how we can't exist without each other. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

I announced my pregnancy via newsletter and Instagram today, and I felt incredibly loved and hugged by all the texts, emails, comments, and messages of kindness and congratulations. Greg and I also had a 삼겹살 party with our friend Aiyana and talked about our families, immigration, and trauma. Today was a really good day. Life is tragic, and it's beautiful, all at once. Read our Newsletter on Substack: https://jieunandgreg.substack.com/p/our-first-child-coming-this-fall Support the Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

Friendships, Part 2. I used to struggle with a lot of codependence and enmeshment in my relationships and friendships. I used to go after emotionally reserved people, or people who seemed really cool, or people who seemed like they needed help being fixed. I used to do their part in the friendship, along with my part, and carry heavy bitterness and resentment that I didn't discuss with them. These days, I'm learning to let people be who they are and where they are. I'm learning to let people be where they're at. I'm learning to try and not fix or save people. I'm learning to value myself enough to honor my own boundaries, and not do more than I have the capacity to do. My friendships are getting better. I've lost a lot of the unhealthy friendships. I'm maintaining the friendships that are important to me. And I'm building new friendships with people who are willing to reciprocate the effort. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

Up until the age of 30, I erased myself, suppressed myself, and masked myself in friendships. A core belief I had was that, if I showed up fully as myself in my friendships, all my friends would leave me. The shitty reality is that, when I started showing up in my friendships as my full self, a lot of people did leave me. I was too scared to lose those shitty friendships because I believed crumbs were better than starving. But I didn't realize that being full was an option. And I didn't realize how much of me had to die in order to maintain these empty, one-sided, imbalanced friendships. I'm proud of the Jieun who had to erase herself to survive and find belonging. And I'm proud of the Jieun who had the courage to be her whole self. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: ⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

Pregnant women should get paid for bringing human life into the world. Women should get paid more than men because we have to bring life into the world, and we have to deal with our bodies ovulating every month before we decide to bring life into the world. Pregnant women are not supported enough through their pregnancies. But the sad and enraging thing is, dying people are supported even less. The death industry is nothing like the birth industry. Pregnant women should be getting free car rides, free groceries, and free baby products (strollers, baby carriers, prenatal vitamins, etc.). The wealth gap in New York City is absolutely disgusting. I picked up a free West Elm armchair and a 50-inch Samsung television last week. Support our Podcast and Become a Patreon Member: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

I have a very big announcement. --- Support the Podcast, become a Patreon Member: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member: ① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg ② Choose a membership tier ③ Enter your payment info and subscribe ④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌 --- June is going to be a really hard month. June 16 is Father's Day. June 26 is the 9-month anniversary of 아빠's death. June 30 is 아빠's birthday — he would be turning 64. And June 30 is also the day we met with 아빠's neuro-oncologist, after his final brain CT scan, and found out that his cancer had spread to his brain stem, and likely other places in his body, which we ended up confirming a week later. June was when my dad started dying. I don't know how, but I will survive it. But it will be a hard fucking month for me, for us.

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member: ① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg ② Choose a membership tier ③ Enter your payment info and subscribe ④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌 --- We recorded our May song today, and it went really well, despite my being sick, not getting enough sleep, and being in less-than-ideal condition overall. Our May song is "Old Light." It's a song about hope's existence in the dark places. It's about how hope exists, persists, and endures, through all things. We'll be releasing it on bandcamp tomorrow.

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member: ① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg ② Choose a membership tier ③ Enter your payment info and subscribe ④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌 --- We recorded our fifth song of the year today, with my congested nose, my phlegmy throat, my throbbing head, and my exhausted body. I did small things to try to build up capacity, like put on makeup, put this nice-smelling hair oil on, eat a breakfast burrito from my favorite neighborhood spot, and go outside and get my body moving, even just a little. We even went to pick up two free Facebook Marketplace finds — a west elm armchair and a 50-inch Samsung TV. The world is still on fire, and I still feel like shit. And there are little victories and little joys that I have the privilege of experiencing today. I see my growth. I'm proud of all the work that I've put in to get here. I didn't get here alone. I'm thankful for everyone who poured into me so that I could be here, like this, today.

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member: ① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg ② Choose a membership tier ③ Enter your payment info and subscribe ④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌 --- Yesterday was a day where I felt like I was going against gravity. As soon as I gave into gravity, accepted my humanity, and made choices to adjust my schedule to allow for my own limitations, I felt less stressed. Why are white people often so oblivious to the existence or the comfort of others around them? Why are doctors' appointments so stressful to schedule, reschedule, and go to? Why don't we grow our teeth back like sharks? Why is life in New York City so chaotic? How do humans lose their humanity?

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member: ① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg ② Choose a membership tier ③ Enter your payment info and subscribe ④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌 --- The 8-month anniversary of 아빠's passing was hard. I think these summer months are going to be especially hard because that's when he started dying, and my body, mind, and spirit remember. The grief built up until Saturday, really hit hard on Sunday, and it's still here today. I watched videos of him because I really wanted to hear his voice. I realized that the time we had with cancer, although it was excruciating, the time was also a gift, where we could do and say the things we wanted to say before things got really bad. Obviously I wish he never had cancer and didn't die, but I was able to feel gratitude for these videos that we took of him. He said a lot of the things he wanted to say before he died. And for the things he couldn't say, he did them. And we also had the time to say and do things for him before he died. And while I wish he were still here, I'm glad we have these memories in the form of these videos. I want to make sure I take it slow for these next four months. They're undeniably going to be difficult. I will survive them. But they will be hard.

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member: ① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg ② Choose a membership tier ③ Enter your payment info and subscribe ④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌 --- These last five years, I've been on a journey of being the most myself that I can be, and giving less fucks about what other people will think about me. Grief has made me give way less fucks than ever before. I'm proud of the way that I'm fundraising this year. I'm just honoring my very limited capacity and not pushing myself too far beyond my boundaries, and then feeling resentful and bitter for doing too much and not getting enough back in return. I'm proud of myself for continuing to learn how to untangle my worth from the external validation of others. I'm proud of myself for surviving the most nightmarish year of my fucking life. I'm proud of myself for every little thing I did and didn't do to get here. I'm even proud of every mistake I made along the way, because it got me to where I'm at today. I'm so fucking proud of you, Jieun.

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. --- Thank you, Lindsey Fiegelman, for being the second person to become a Patreon Member during our AANHPI Patreon Fundraiser! In this episode, I read my essay, "The Resilience and Strength of the Humble Dandelion." This is why I chose the dandelion to be our Patreon gift this year.

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member: ① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg ② Choose a membership tier ③ Enter your payment info and subscribe ④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌 Click the button below and become a Patreon Member today. --- Shoutout to Sharon for becoming our first Patreon Member to subscribe during our fundraiser! An epiphany that I had today, while I was talking to Greg, was that I've been unknowingly living by this mantra for the last year: "I'm going to do what I can, when I can, with what I have." And it's kind of mind-blowing what I can accomplish and achieve when I lower the bar and give myself a fighting chance to win. I feel so much better about myself when I'm not berating myself for not being able to achieve something impossible, when I have -1000 in the tank. And from this place of pride in myself for simply existing, the byproduct is joy and creation. That's pretty fucking cool.

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼 In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community. Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro. Here’s are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member: ① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg ② Choose a membership tier ③ Enter your payment info and subscribe ④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌 Become a Patreon Member today. --- I recorded this episode so late because I was working on sending out our newsletter announcing our Patreon AANHPI Heritage Month Special Offer, creating graphics, and sharing the announcement on Instagram. Dandelions hold a lot of meaning to me. I feels like they accurately represent us and our year — resilient, resourceful, and persevering. They miraculously grow out of places that nothing should grow. Out of death, springs new life. Out of devastation, springs beauty.

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌸 For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries on Patreon. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg --- Humans need rest! Rest is so hard for me. I burnt myself out and had to pay for it. And I'm still paying for it. I'm learning how to rest and take care of myself better, but over-functioning is a really hard habit to break for me.