A Thousand Tiny Steps

As I look back on my childhood, I’m reminded of how my neighborhood has changed and the people around me are dying. I also am deeply thinking about the season of Molly, the choices I’ve made, and how I can honor her. Key Takeaways: [0:58] April is a significant month to me [4:00] Missing the last week of Molly’s life [5:24] The good side of missing it [8:33] Dealing with narcissistic tendencies [13:13] My two childhood friends and the memories [18:08] My neighborhood has changed [18:48] The Bye Bye Birdie production [19:54] The season of Molly, death week, and events [24:25] Finishing the quarterfinals in CrossFit [24:49] Seeing my old BU teammates Resources: Last Day Power book Motherland book Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As Easter is passing it brings back all the memories of Molly. I sat down to watch some movies which just had me in tears and made me think back on all the choices I’ve made in my own life. I really recommend you watch them and see how you relate to them. Key Takeaways: [3:37] A movie about a boy with an abusive childhood and a dying dad [7:26] What inspires me about the movie and forgiving myself [9:32] My memories of Molly on Easter [11:30] A movie about a mother who died and cleaning out her home [15:24] I helped keep our family together after Molly died [16:04] I regret missing Gracie’s birthday and the impact [18:59] People don’t understand the memories are all we have [20:41] The book Ordinary People and the impact it had on me [22:02] The impact 700 Sunday’s had on me [23:04] What’s the next for the Molly B Foundation Resources: I Can Only Imagine Mercy Me The Noel Diary The Ordinary People 700 Sundays Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Jane and Skylar come on this week to talk about their journeys with epilepsy. From being discriminated at work to trying to find supportive relationships it’s been a rollercoaster for them both. In this episode, we go on their journeys of being diagnosed, how that impacts their lives, and what they want people to know. Key Takeaways: [1:38] How Jane found out she had epilepsy, getting diagnosed, and type of seizures [6:58] Skylar’s first seizure and her type of epilepsy [11:34] Skylar’s seizure the night of prom and before graduation [14:45] Being discriminated at work and not believed [17:00] Wanting to feel like a normal adult who can have fun [19:04] Trying medication that changed my mood drastically [21:34] Skylar’s experience trying multiple medication cocktails [27:30] Being bullied due to epilepsy [29:12] Not being able to drive [30:06] Having supportive families makes all the difference [31:09] Having non supportive partners [32:41] What we want people without epilepsy to know Resources: Skylar’s podcast Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I look back on women’s history month I research how ads on women’s health are often banned, women in history going on strike, and how I think feminism is used incorrectly. In this episode, I dive deep into the meaning of feminism and how I think we need to stop comparing men and women. Key Takeaways: [2:17] The biggest mistake feminism has made [5:42] Women in Iceland going on strike for 24 hours [8:30] Women in education take the brunt of unappreciated work [10:45] Meta bans ads for anything around women’s wellness [17:15] It’s still a struggle to get insurance to cover birth control [19:12] Getting a hysterectomy approved is an expensive nightmare [22:47] Should women’s basketball teams make more than the men’s? [26:34] Women in history that stand out to me [30:15] It’s time to stop comparing men and women Resources: Article on women in Iceland Article on banning ads Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I had a UTI and I had no idea. It presented none of the usual symptoms that happen to younger people so when I went into the ER and found out I had one I was dumbfounded. This was a learning experience for me and I hope more older women can hear this and get the help they need as well. Key Takeaways: [1:11] I didn’t know I had a UTI, I had atypical symptoms at least to me [7:21] Going to the hospital and finding out this is common in older women [10:09] Being stressed out about medication and breastfeeding [12:20] Research isn’t done enough for women in the medical field [14:49] Symptoms in older women for UTIs and why it happens [23:39] Incontinence is another big cause of UTIs [26:54] The problems that decreased estrogen cause [30:05] I’ve learned a lot from this experience [31:29] Ways you can support the MollyB Foundation Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I binged watched Six Feet Under, a show based on a real life family who owned a funeral home and how they went through grief. It was such a moving show that covered divorced, being gay, marriage, birth, and death that I felt a full spectrum of emotions. This comes at a time when I am creating some big events for the MollyB Foundation. Key Takeaways: [1:51] No one will ever miss Molly as much as I do [3:22] Celebrating Molly’s 21st as a fundraiser and all the other Molly events coming up [9:17] Six Feet Under is a show I avoided for a long time [12:04] My friends around me are dying [13:36] You really get to see the lives of all the children in the show [19:55] The final episode blew me away [23:18] All these people go through terrible life events and still move forward [24:37] I’m trying to protect Gracie from my true feelings [26:26] All the different ways that people deal with grief [27:59] We’ve kept the house, we just want to honor Molly Resources: Six Feet Under Mary Lou blog post Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

This episode is all about cherophobia and how whenever things start to feel good, I feel like I want to flee. It is about an aversion to joy often because of trauma and how when things start to go well, I often can bring stressful people into my life. Key Takeaways: [2:05] Cherophobia is a fear of joy and here are the causes of it [4:20] I didn’t want to let my guard down because then bad things would happen [5:50] I recreate my trauma again and again [10:20] Not wanting to take risks in my life or be too happy [13:12] As I reflect on my past, I still have a list of things that make me unhappy [15:58] I’m running, but not getting anywhere [17:22] My past relationships had so much stress in them [21:41] I’m constantly having to keep moving and be vigilant [23:37] Looking at the goals I have to work on and how to move forward [26:38] I feel better, like I can channel my own inner power now [29:00] Looking at treatments for cherophobia Resources: The Body Keeps the Score Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I recently discovered my old running logs and it was a treasure trove of information on how my life used to be between exercise, old boyfriends, and what my life was like before Molly died. So much of life has changed, and yet, it’s like nothing has changed at all. In this episode, I explore my journals and the power of music. Key Takeaways: [1:41] Having a deep attachment to things especially after Molly died [2:42] Creating an actual bedroom for Jack [4:30] Finding my running logs and it’s hard for me to write things down [7:02] Tracking my running habits, periods of running, and no running at all [13:18] Not running because of having kids and asthma [15:55] I never seem to finish journals and it’s a pattern [21:34] Using music for therapeutic purposes [27:49] Signing up for tap class, stopping, and starting again with Jack [31:01] So much of my life is no different than 40 years ago [32:19] What my new year could look like [35:27] What’s your favorite artist? Resources: We Are The World Fast Car Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

In this episode, I explore how and why different religions fast and what it says about society. It was fascinating to learn and all of the religions hold common themes. I also debate if fasting is healthy or not. It leaves me with one question: what does fasting mean to you? Key Takeaways: [0:57] Fasting as a Baha'i [3:37] Jewish people fast for purification [5:13] In Buddhism people fast for spiritual clarification [5:48] Christians practice lent giving up food, an item, or a behavior [7:54] Hindus mainly fast during festivals [9:26] Mormons fast once a month [10:57] Muslims fast for a month to teach self control and empathy [11:51] Baha'i fasts last almost a month as a way to teach discipline [12:09] Balancing the morality of fasting [14:41] Pagan’s don’t fast voluntarily, but due to weather conditions [16:38] I would get my runners to give up one thing for the season [19:11] Is fasting healthy? The emotional attachments we have to food [24:43] I’m most likely not going to fast this year because I’m nursing [27:15] What does fasting mean to you? Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

My morning routine will never be full of meditation and yoga. Instead it is currently filled with decluttering my household one bin at a time. This is in an effort to be more of a minimalist and carefully consider why I own the things I do. In this episode, I explore the grief attached to certain items and how I’m working on it. Key Takeaways: [0:50] My morning routine does not consist of meditation [5:06] Watching a documentary on the minimalist lifestyle [6:39] Struggling to get rid of physical items on my grief journey [10:57] Getting things professionally organized and making progress [14:42] I’m taking things one bin of stuff at a time [20:55] The environmental impact of owning so many things [23:09] Getting rid of one’s things to live out of a suitcase [24:46] The 30 day challenge in a new light [26:53] Not being able to let go of items and hoarding Resources: Me+ App The Minimalist: Less is Now Concord Thrift Shop The 30 day challenge Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I listened to the story of Debbie, a woman who was sexually abused in childhood and I truly resonate with. From the way we were both told to be quiet about our abuse, our journeys of healing, and our coping mechanisms. In this episode, I look at common things things that go through the minds of children who suffer from sexual abuse. Key Takeaways: [3:19] Debbie works with a non-profit to help people that are sexually abused [4:47] Debbie’s story of being sexually abused by her stepfather [7:14] Debbie’s journey with therapy and processing emotions [9:04] The similarities between Debbie and I’s story [15:21] Everyone told me to be quiet about the abuse and he never got punished [18:59] I wondered how I could change my behavior so I wouldn’t be abused [20:47] How did Debbie’s mom not know it was happening? [22:32] Sexual abuse seems high in athletics [24:04] My coping mechanisms have followed me in adulthood [26:00] My healing journey with abuse is not linear [27:03] January has not gone well [28:51] Asking for help as people who have suffered from abuse Resources: Family Secrets podcast The Joyful Heart episode Joyful Heart Foundation Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Rosie came on with her partner Lauren to tell her story of getting POTS after having COVID and how it’s affecting her life now. She’s currently in the process of trying to get a service dog which will hopefully help give her more independence. In this episode, we chat about what it’s like to have your partner be your caregiver and rethinking your life plans. Key Takeaways: [2:35] Getting COVID and then a high heart rate [8:30] Getting diagnosed with POTS early, but having to leave rugby [10:26] Realizing that this was going to be a life altering condition [13:05] How POTS effects Rosie in her everyday life [17:31] There’s no official treatment for POTS [21:32] How life has changed and not being able to drink alcohol [25:32] Why Rosie wants a service dog [29:49] Applying to get a service dog, getting rejected, and finally being accepted [35:43] Rosie’s fundraising efforts and how you can help [38:46] Her family struggled to understand her illness, but are supportive [42:08] Living with POTS has been compared to heart failure [43:49] Learning how to ask for help [45:01] Where you can donate money and learn more about POTS [45:51] POTS is an invisible illness, but it’s valid [46:31] Growing up much quicker because of chronic illness Resources: Rosie’s campaign page Rosie’s facebook ECAD Info about POTS Info on COVID and POTS Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

When I talk to my friends about aging we’re all in this spot where we feel somewhat unfulfilled by life, like somethings missing. It makes me wonder what’s wrong and where in my life I need to improve. In this episode, I look at where I am in Erickson’s stages of development and how I don’t always fit into my age group because I’m an older mom. Key Takeaways: [1:59] I’ve lost my social life [3:56] Being an older mom is isolating [6:06] This phenomenon of being like we’re lost in older age [10:55] Eric Erickson’s stages of development and where I’m at [14:38] Stagnation in this period of life [17:09] Just having my family and not many relationships outside of that [19:08] Can I make my life count? [21:55] Taking care of my family and aging parents [23:01] I’m wondering if CrossFit coaching fits into my life right now [25:00] Feeling powerless and unappreciated in school board [26:14] I’m working on my strength and nutrition [28:12] Working on my social relationships Resources: Crossfit Lady podcast episode More Milk Please podcast episode Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As January ends, I realize I need to reevaluate when I make goals and what a routine looks like for me. I also take time off coaching, slow down, and try to enjoy the moment which is difficult for me. But through it all I am working on creating the life I want. Key Takeaways: [1:17] New Year’s goals don’t work for me and letting go of 75 Hard [4:15] Taking time off from coaching [5:58] Why slowing down is hard for me [7:53] Kenny and I’s different views on alcohol consumption [14:03] Jack truly notices my emotions [15:31] You can’t expedite growth and struggling with staying in the moment [18:18] I’ve been slowly cutting things out that aren’t helpful [19:19] Finding peace in just being alive [23:20] Making my stop list bigger than my to do list [25:41] Getting better at stillness and creating a routine that works [31:03] I always have something to be angry at [32:26] Creating the lifestyle I want Resources: Crossfit Lady podcast episode Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Thrifting clothes is such an important way to be both sustainable and give back to the community. I talked to students and teachers at my local high school to discuss their on site thrift shop, the change it’s making in their community, and the conversations around social impact it brings about. Key Takeaways: [1:29] Concord’s sustainable thrift shop and how it came to be [8:16] Using thrifted fabric to sew plus sized clothes [12:20] How the concept of sustainability has changed [14:04] Running a thrift shop gives kids life skills [18:21] Behind the scenes of running the shop [21:35] The most donated items and gaining more financial support [26:39] Students get clothing for their parents and siblings as well [27:17] How to donate new items and what’s most needed [31:43] How the kids are going to use these life skills [33:43] The ultimate dream of the thrift store [35:58] Please donate if you can Resources: The MollyB Foundation The CrossFit Lady podcast CHS Thrift Shop You can contact CHS by email: jspeidel@sau8.org Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I feel a lot of anger in my life and I’m diving deep to see what I’m holding on to. Along the way I discover my healing crisis and how anger fits into the 5 stages of grief. In this episode, I’ll find strategies to deal with my anger and what I need to focus on in the new year. Key Takeaways: [1:58] Starting the new year angry [5:00] Chronic anger is more resentment [6:32] Why I’m angry at home [9:38] Being iced out of the school board [15:35] Asserting aggression to avoid helpless feelings [20:39] Strategies to deal with anger and how I’m doing it [24:22] What anger am I holding on to and what triggers me? [29:27] I feel like I constantly have to defend myself [30:31] Having a healing crisis [35:21] Realizing the 75 Hard is not what I want to be doing [37:32] Here’s my summary on anger Resources: My book Motherland Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As we do the kitchen renovation, we’ve found layers upon layers of wallpaper and flooring. This is much like the multitude of layers of my person. I keep saying I’m going to change things and instead I rush around. So now I’m finding new ways to cope and be a better parent for Jack and Gracie. Key Takeaways: [1:00] The walls of my house hold stories [2:28] The layers of flooring throughout the years [5:51] I make these goals and I don’t follow through year after year [8:41] Water damage in the floor [11:38] I have to stop rushing around 24/7 and be present [13:32] Doing 75 Hard again [15:28] Thinking about taking time off [17:00] Struggling emotionally with recording Motherland [19:29] My house is in chaos [22:19] We don’t have a social circle and motherless daughters [25:01] Feeling like a distant mother [28:51] I got journals for both Gracie and I [34:05] The song that makes me cry, but brings Jack joy [36:21] The afterword of my book Resources: My book Motherland Voice Over Vermont Motherless Daughters Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

While doing our home renovation we discovered a whole treasure trove of things in the walls. One of those things was a book on humane education by an amazing woman, Irene Hart who changed the history of education for New Hampshire and helped to advance women's rights. Key Takeaways: [1:02] I’m still making edits to my book [5:14] The things in the walls of out house and the amazing Irene Hart [10:16] The book on humane education for being kind to animals [17:16] What incredible stuff I’ve done this year [18:36] What humanity is about [19:59] My New Year’s resolutions for the year [22:35] The language we use to describe other people [24:19] This book reminds me of Molly [24:48] My past New Year’s experiences [26:22] How Molly’s kindness and sense of justice helped others [31:31] What I need to work on in my life Resources: My book Motherland Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I recently watched a documentary on living to 100 and what special things people did in certain communities to allow them to live that long. Some of it was not surprising and other parts were. There was so much information that I took from this documentary and I made a plan to make improvements to my own life. Key Takeaways: [1:46] The premise of the documentary [4:31] Looking at four things: movement, outlook, connection, and eating [10:03] The power 9: nine things that go into living to 100 [17:18] How Okinawa is such a healthy society [20:20] Sardina, a little island in Italy that keeps moving [22:27] The high stress levels in American society [25:39] Ikaria, Greece and their resilient community [30:40] The blue zones in America [34:55] Costa Rica’s sense of purpose [36:47] Singapore’s subsidized food and housing [41:57] Trying to create blue zones in America [43:58] What I’m doing in my life to incorporate healthy habits [49:40] Taking care of the body, mind, and spirit Resources: Living to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zone Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

The holidays are upon us again and as always it’s a rollercoaster. The MollyB basket went differently this year than it had previously and that was an adjustment for us all. On top of that, I’ve had to navigate how to spend Christmas with Jack growing older. Key Takeaways: [1:16] Losing your child is different than losing someone older [6:42] Molly loved the holidays when they danced in the holiday show [9:12] The person that won the MollyB basket [20:05] The chapter of Motherland about Gracie [34:31] Past Christmases and how we are going to spend this one [37:08] What’s coming up in my life Resources: My book Motherland Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation