On Attachment

In today’s Ask Steph episode, I’m answering the listener question: If you were only going to focus on one thing to start healing anxious attachment, what would it be? While there are many layers to this work, the single place I’d start is building self-worth outside of a relationship. For many anxiously attached people, relationships become the primary place where we seek security, validation, and a sense of worth. But when our wellbeing is tied so tightly to another person, it can leave us feeling anxious, reactive, and out of control. In this episode, I talk about why shifting your focus back onto yourself — your growth, your agency, and your sense of self — can be one of the most powerful first steps in healing anxious attachment. Join the waitlist for the Healing Anxious Attachment Birthday Sale here: https://stephanierigg.com/haa-anniversary-sale-waitlist

If you've been putting in the work to heal your anxious attachment but still feel like you're treading water, this episode is for you. In today's episode, I'm sharing what I believe are the three core pillars of healing anxious attachment — and why the sequencing of that work matters just as much as the work itself. Whether you're just starting out or have been on this journey for a while, having a clear roadmap can be genuinely grounding. Lack of effort is rarely the problem for anxiously attached people — it's about making sure that energy is directed where it will have the greatest impact. In this episode, I cover: mindsetdoing 🎉 Join the waitlist for the Healing Anxious Attachment 4-Year Anniversary Sale On March 16, I’ll be celebrating four years since I first launched Healing Anxious Attachment. To mark the occasion, I’m bringing the course back to its original launch price of US$222 for 24 hours only. If you’re curious, add yourself to the waitlist below — the anniversary offer will only be available for 24 hours and only for those on the list. Join the waitlist

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question I hear often: If I work on my anxious attachment, but my partner doesn’t work on their avoidant patterns, can the relationship still work? I unpack why focusing on your side of the street is never a waste of time — even when your partner isn’t meeting you there yet. We talk about how healing anxious attachment isn’t about fixing the relationship or managing your partner’s behaviour, but about building self-regulation, self-trust, and clarity. I also explore the two most common outcomes of doing this work: either your internal shifts create healthier dynamics and positive ripple effects in the relationship, or you reach a grounded place of clarity about what you need and whether this relationship can meet you there. Either way, you don’t lose — you gain resources, confidence, and choice. This episode is for anyone who feels stuck waiting for their partner to change and is wondering whether it’s worth continuing to do the work alone.

In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don’t mean what you think they mean. We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyperactivation — intense grief, rumination, urgency, and the need to understand what happened — and how avoidant attachment tends to deactivate under stress, sometimes resulting in relief, distraction, or moving on quickly. We also talk about the timing mismatch that can occur, where one person feels everything immediately and the other processes more slowly (or more superficially). The core takeaway: different coping strategies are not a measure of love, worth, or who cared more. And comparing your internal experience to their outward presentation will only keep you stuck. In this episode, we cover: If you’re going through a breakup, you can register for my free breakup training here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener who says they generally feel secure in their relationship — except when their partner travels and is physically away. During those periods, they experience intense separation anxiety, spiralling thoughts, and a sudden sense of insecurity that feels confusing and disproportionate. I talk about why distance and absence can be uniquely activating for anxiously attached nervous systems, even when a relationship is otherwise healthy and secure. We explore how separation can trigger old attachment wounds around abandonment, uncertainty, and loss of felt safety, and ways that you can support yourself both individually and relationally to better handle these challenges.

Attachment theory has become a widely used framework for understanding relationship patterns — but it’s often misunderstood, overextended, or treated as a complete explanation for human behaviour. In this episode, I revisit the foundations of attachment theory to clarify what attachment is actually designed to explain, what attachment styles describe, and where the limits of the framework are. This is a back-to-basics conversation intended to bring nuance and accuracy to how we use attachment language — especially in romantic relationships. In this episode, I cover: If you’ve ever felt confused, boxed in by attachment labels, or frustrated by how attachment theory is used online, this episode offers a clearer and more grounded way of thinking about it. Take my free attachment quiz

In this Ask Steph episode, we explore one of the most common (and understandable) questions in anxious–avoidant dynamics: what actually helps an avoidant partner feel safe enough to open up emotionally? If you tend toward anxious attachment, it can feel deeply unsettling to sense that parts of your partner’s inner world are closed off to you. That can create a strong pull to try harder, ask more questions, or push for emotional access — often with the hope that if they open up, it will mean you’re finally “enough.” In this episode, we unpack why that instinct can backfire, and what genuinely supports emotional safety instead.

Situationships can feel exciting and full of potential, but over time they often become a source of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. In this episode, I explore why situationships are so hard to walk away from — particularly for people with anxious attachment — and why clarity can feel more threatening than staying in something uncertain. We look at how hope, ambiguity, and emotional breadcrumbs keep people invested in connections that aren’t actually meeting their needs, and why “waiting to see what happens” is often a form of self-abandonment rather than patience. I also talk about the nervous-system dynamics at play, and how these situations can keep you stuck in a cycle of overthinking, longing, and self-doubt. This episode isn’t about forcing commitment or issuing ultimatums. It’s about building the self-trust and self-respect required to stop participating in dynamics that keep you in limbo, and learning how to choose relationships that offer consistency, clarity, and emotional safety.

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question about why old feelings can resurface when you re-enter the dating world, and what to do when that catches you off guard. In this episode, we explore: lateryour exIf you’re otherwise excited about someone new and this has thrown you, this episode is a reminder to slow down, stay grounded, and trust that this experience doesn’t have to mean anything is wrong. Links heresubmit a questioncome find me there and drop yours in.

In this episode, we explore the belief that if someone truly loved you, they would have changed — and why this story so often keeps people stuck in self-blame, rescuing, and self-abandonment. We look at the saviour complex, how it develops, and why real change has far more to do with timing and capacity than with how lovable or devoted you are. In this episode, we cover: they’reIf this resonates, you can register for my free training on healing anxious attachment here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question that will feel very familiar to anyone with anxious attachment: How can I be certain that my new partner will be better for me than my last one? On the surface, this question makes sense. After being hurt, blindsided, or disappointed in past relationships, of course we want reassurance that it won’t happen again. But underneath it, there’s often a deeper issue at play — a lack of self-trust, and an anxious belief that it’s our job to prevent pain by being hyper-vigilant, prepared, and on guard. In this episode, I unpack why this question, while understandable, can actually keep you stuck in anxiety rather than moving you towards healthier relationships. We explore the difference between discernment and hypervigilance, and why trying to “de-risk” relationships often backfires. Rather than aiming for certainty or guarantees, this conversation invites a shift towards trusting yourself — your capacity to notice, respond, self-advocate, and take care of yourself as relationships unfold.

A secure relationship isn’t one where nothing ever goes wrong — it’s one where the foundation is strong enough to hold the hard stuff. For many people (especially those with anxious attachment), insecurity doesn’t come from being “too sensitive,” but from being in dynamics that lack safety, consistency, or clarity. In this episode, I break down five key qualities that tend to be present in secure relationships, and how they actually feel on a nervous system level. I cover: Whether you’re assessing your current relationship, healing after an insecure one, or wanting to understand what you’re moving towards, this episode offers a grounded framework for what relational security is built on — and what helps it endure. Explore my couples course, Secure Together Free resources for building secure attachment

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about wanting more words of affirmation from a partner — but not wanting to feel like you're constantly asking for it. This is a really common tension, especially for people with anxious attachment. On one hand, words of affirmation genuinely matter. On the other, asking for them can feel exposing, needy, or like you’re trying to force something that should come naturally. In this episode, I unpack why this dynamic is rarely about someone “withholding” affection, and how the way we ask (or don’t ask) can either make it feel safer or riskier for our partner to express verbally. Rather than offering scripts or communication hacks, this conversation focuses on the deeper relational pieces that often get missed — including how we receive affirmation, how defensiveness shuts down vulnerability, and what it means to take responsibility for your needs without self-abandoning.

Break-ups are painful — but often, the way we try to cope with that pain can quietly keep us stuck in it for much longer than necessary. In this episode of On Attachment, I walk through five of the most common ways people unknowingly self-sabotage after a break-up, particularly those with anxious attachment patterns. These behaviours aren’t a sign that you’re doing healing “wrong.” They’re understandable coping strategies that make sense in the context of loss, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm — but they don’t always serve us in the long run. Rather than shaming or pushing yourself to “move on faster,” this episode invites you to bring awareness to where your energy is going after a break-up, and how to gently redirect it in ways that actually support healing. In this episode, we explore: At the heart of all of this is a simple but challenging truth: healing after a break-up requires turning towards your own pain, rather than trying to solve, analyse, or bypass it. This episode is for you if you’re going through a break-up and feel stuck in rumination, comparison, or hope that’s keeping you anchored to the past — and you want a more grounded, self-compassionate way forward. Resources Click here to register for my free breakup training

In this Ask Steph episode, I share my perspective on the phrase “if they wanted to, they would” — and why it’s sometimes helpful, but often oversimplified. I talk about the difference between basic effort and genuine capacity, and why assuming someone’s behaviour always reflects a lack of care or love can miss what’s really going on. We explore how attachment patterns, protective strategies, and stress responses shape how people show up in relationships — often in ways that can’t be changed through willpower alone. This episode is about shifting the focus from judging someone’s intentions to getting clear on your own boundaries, non-negotiables, and whether a relationship works for you as it is — or not.

Few decisions feel as emotionally loaded as deciding whether to keep trying in a relationship or to walk away. There is no universal right answer — and for many people, especially those with anxious attachment, this question can feel endlessly destabilising. In this episode, I share 10 reflective questions designed to support clearer, more grounded decision-making. These questions aren’t a checklist or a formula to tell you what to do. They’re an invitation to slow down, step out of fear-based urgency, and reconnect with your own values, needs, and capacity. If you’ve been stuck going back and forth, waiting for certainty, or hoping something will finally make the choice clear for you, this episode offers a compassionate framework to help you find your own way forward.

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question that many people can relate to: drunk texting an ex, waking up full of shame, and not knowing what to do next. I talk about why this happens, especially in the aftermath of a breakup when loneliness, lowered inhibitions, and longing collide — and why beating yourself up afterwards only makes things worse. I explore how to respond in a grounded way, including whether you need to follow up with your ex at all, how to keep it simple if you do, and why the real work isn’t undoing the message but making sure you don’t end up in the same position again. This episode focuses on creating practical guardrails — around drinking, contact, and temptation — so you’re not relying on willpower alone when you’re in a tender place. I also talk about how learning from moments like this, rather than spiralling in shame, is a powerful way to rebuild self-trust, self-respect, and self-worth after a breakup. If you’re feeling embarrassed or disappointed in yourself right now, you’re not alone — and you’re not beyond repair. I hope this episode helps you meet yourself with compassion while still supporting yourself to make better choices next time.

Anxious–avoidant relationships are often described as doomed — intense, painful, and inherently incompatible. While these dynamics can certainly be challenging, they’re not automatically destined to fail. In this episode, I explore what it actually takes to make an anxious–avoidant relationship work — not through chemistry, hope, or sheer effort, but through three essential, non-negotiable ingredients. I share why these dynamics can become either deeply healing or deeply reinforcing of old wounds, and how safety, responsibility, and discernment determine which way it goes. In this episode, I cover: This episode is not about forcing a relationship to work at all costs. It’s about honestly assessing whether the conditions required for safety, repair, and growth are present — and whether both partners have the willingness and capacity to do the work. Explore my free resources here

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question about infidelity and whether a fearful-avoidant partner can genuinely change. Rather than asking whether change is possible in theory, this episode focuses on a more important question: how likely is real change, and what should you actually be paying attention to after betrayal? In this episode, I explore: whyIf you’re navigating betrayal, I’m really sorry you’re going through that. I hope this episode helps you clarify what to look for and whether meaningful repair is possible.

Letting go of someone you love can feel like the hardest thing you’ll ever do — especially if you have anxious attachment patterns. When your nervous system equates connection with safety, walking away can feel more intolerable than staying in pain. In this episode, I explore why letting go is so difficult, and what actually helps when love, attachment, and fear are all tangled together. I talk about: This episode is both a pep talk and a reality check — an invitation to trust yourself enough to choose what’s right for you, even when it hurts, and even when you still love them. If you’re navigating a breakup or struggling to let go, be sure to check out my free breakup training: https://www.stephanierigg.com/break-up-webinar