The Mental Load

How the mental load takes over women's lives How not to lose yourself in motherhood "I resent the fact that you (dads) get to maintain your individuality, while I do not." The Mental Load often takes over women's lives leaving us feeling unfulfilled and like we lost ourselves in motherhood. It's a form of identity theft that nobody warns us about. When you become a mom, everyone starts to view you as "{insert kid's name} mom" while dads don't become {insert kid's name} dad". Men get to retain their individuality while women are taught to only look at the positive of motherhood. That kids are a gift and you should feel blessed...all the time. And nobody prepares us for this identity theft that happens immediately. We're swallowed into motherhood and suddenly find ourselves lacking time and energy for anything but mothering. Which leaves us struggling to feel like we haven't lost ourselves. In today's episode, Angie and Katlynn explore why, when we take on the mental load, it feels like we lose ourselves because: New this season: reach us at: thementalloadpodcast@gmail.com Support us when you buy merch from our store

The mental load and mother's day For men: Why moms care so much about Mother's Day Join Katlynn from the Mental Load Podcast in this Mother's Day hot take. Attention dads! Mother's Day for moms isn't necessarily about how big you celebrate it. It really comes down to being recognized for work that we feel is usually ignored. The holiday's usually fall into the mental load category because there's invisible labor that goes into planning them: - coordinating - planning the logistics - buying the gifts The thing about the mental load is that it often breeds resentment because it's invisible. Mothers feel unrecognized, under-appreciated and undervalued. When the dads out there present us with last minute, not so thoughtful gifts, wait for us to tell them what to do, or put it on us to plan, they're essentially validating all the negative thoughts we have around the mental load. Dads, Mother's Day is your time to step it up and own the process from start to finish. Don't promise her a "day off" where you half-ass or don't do the chores so she's behind when she wakes up Monday morning. Don't put the planning on her. Take the time to recognize her and while you're at it, take the time to plan the logistics if you celebrate your own mom. Don't assume your wife will coordinate and shop for gifts on your behalf. Your mom wants to feel appreciated and recognized by you. The mental load here is for you to own.

Preparing for maternity leave and the start of the mental load. Career coach to help moms navigate a career and children. Women deal with a lot of emotions and roadblocks going into and coming back from maternity leave. How do we better prepare ourselves, our workplaces and our partners so the mental load at home and at work isn’t as bad? We had a great episode a couple weeks ago with Sarah Reeves about how to help shape the workplace into one that is more supportive for caregivers, so today’s conversation I think is going to be a nice follow-up to how to prepare yourself for the changes that come with becoming a mother and taking on more of the mental load both at home and in the office. Today's guest is Lauren Gordon. Lauren is a dual-certified life and career coach for working moms, and a former senior leader in human resources at a global financial services company. She specializes in helping working moms fully enjoy life with a career and children, without trading happiness for a paycheck. Lauren runs her own coaching practice where she works one-on-one with working moms who are navigating a wide range of personal and professional challenges. Lauren's areas of expertise include helping women to overcome feelings of stress, guilt, and overwhelm; ending imposter syndrome by growing their self-confidence; addressing people-pleasing and perfectionistic tendencies; navigating career decisions; and more. Lauren lives in a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with her husband, Eli, and their three young daughters, ages 7, 5, and 3. When Lauren isn't coaching and teaching working moms, you can find her taking Peloton classes, reading, and continually trying to improve her cooking skills to keep up with the other members of her monthly cookbook club. Visit www.laurengordon.com to learn more about how to work with Lauren, and follow her on Instagram @workingmomcoach for tips you can begin applying to your life today. The mental load isn’t just something that shows up at home, it’s also something that creeps in to our work lives. In the workplace, women spend more time on “non-promotable tasks” than men, which is unpaid work related to social or administrative “office housekeeping.” These types of activities are vital to maintaining company culture and strengthening team connections, but are not valued as strategic — and therefore come with little to no recognition, appreciation, reward, or career advantage. In this episode, we explore: Mentioned in this episode: Joy School Affiliate Link https://thepathtojoy.thrivecart.com/melissa-blooms-joy-school/partner/

How do countries outside America support families and therefore lighten the mental load? What do nordic countries do to support families: Gender quotas What happened to America? "Ronald Reagan: by 1980 the Moral Majority, the main Evangelical lobby, had almost half a million members (Diamond 174).2 These new activists had three priorities, and they were directly related to the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the issue of women’s rights: the denunciation of homosexuality, the fight against abortion (which was famously declared constitutional by the Supreme Court with its Roe v. Wade decision in 1973), and the rejection of the ERA (the Equal Rights Amendment) (Martin 162-166, 193-194). In the late 1970s, Ronald Reagan quickly understood the incredible electoral potential of the Christian Right." These policies all hold women back economically by making childcare unaffordable (which means we have to puzzle piece it together). Once covid hit, moms were spending five hours a day more on chores than men Hit women of color especially hard bc there are stricter gender norms When we’re faced with this onslaught of policies that harm more than they help, we decide to leave the workforce. The nation loses a major economic factor: Why don’t we view it as economically beneficial to support families? America’s lack of family support rests on a false assumption: that providing help discourages parents from taking responsibility for their children. And while other wealthy countries spend an average of $14,000each year per child on early-childhood care, the U.S. spends a miserly $500. Underlying each of these bleak truths appears to be the same, misguided belief: that government support for parents is at odds with parents being responsible for their kids. Helping parents is not the same as parenting, and support does not replace real-life parents. Why do we think tough love is good for families as policy? What are the good things to come from supporting families and why should we care? We know that in countries with greater gender inequality just closing the gap in women’s labor force participation could increase economic output by an average of 35 percent. New Mexico Iowa

The mental load of meal planning. Why families struggle with meals and how it creates invisible labor for women. Meal planning, it's a bitch, right? In this week's hot take, Angie, discusses how her family of six has tackled meal planning. And, if we do say so ourselves, it's kinda genius. Instead of meticulously planning out each meal and the ingredients or making everything on the weekend to simply reheat on the weeknights, they've picked a theme for each night, so the guess work is less and the kids know what to expect.

Maternity Leave and the mental load Maternity Leave isn't a vacation. In fact, it's where the mental load really starts and becomes one-sided. Today we discuss how Employee Resource Groups can help support and lighten the load for not just moms, but all caregivers, joined by Sarah Reeves. Sarah is a girl mom to Ella 8, Norah 5, Husband Aaron of 13 years. She's the Director of Product Management at one of the largest internet companies to date. After her first child, she co-founded a global employee resource group for parents that evolved to include caregivers of all kinds. Sarah loves to swear, especially during passionate discussions. What is the issue? Modern parenting expectations set women up even before the birth to carry the majority of the mental load. And that load continues to avalanche in from pregnancy into maternity leave. Why you can’t comparing maternity leave to vacation What are the effects? to be on anti-anxiety medicationmore than 50% of womendifficult to treatrelationship equityChildcare deserts

Acts of service as a love language Anecdotally I have noticed that every woman in a heterosexual relationship will say that her love language is acts of service. Ask her husband what her love language is and he'll say "definitely acts of service". But I think this is bullshit. What if, women are using acts of service as a love language as a cover for asking our partners to pick up more of the mental load? I find it statistically impossible that every woman lists acts of service as their love language. I would bet money that if we had more equitable households and marriages, the percentage of women who say acts of service is their love language would decline significantly. This is all just my opinion and has not be researched in any way shape or form. Drop your comments at the mental load podcast on YouTube.

Telling moms to practice self-care is not an answer to the mental load. What is the issue? Telling moms to practice more self-care is a bullshit cop out. Self care is defined as the ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being. The term “self-care” actually has roots in the civil rights and women’s rights movements of the 1960s and ’70s. (There’s a frequently shared quote by Black American writer and activist Audre Lorde—“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”) Self-care is an estimated $10 billion industry with a large portion coming from the beauty sector The ideas for self-care is different for women vs men But the truth is that self-care is not enough. And it’s time that we stop telling moms that a simple act of self-care will undo the years of culture-induced overwhelm that is causing us all to burn out. What are the effects? How does this relate to the mental load? But also - I don’t actually need self care. I need a partner who’s more switched on on a daily basis. Self care isn’t a break; it’s just delaying getting the stuff done we need to get done. I can’t take care of myself if I don’t trust my partner will seamlessly carry on without me. How can we fix this? Catch us on YouTube

Motherly's State of Motherhood and the Mental Load Join us and special guest, Kate Anderson, Chief of Staff at Motherly to discuss their annual State of Motherhood report. The largest body of research regarding motherhood and issues impacting families. Kate Anderson is a leader in generating change and gender equality within the startup space. As a Chief of Staff at Motherly, a wellbeing destination empowering mothers to thrive with expert content, innovative product solutions, and supportive community. Motherly engages an audience of 40 million+ readers and viewers a month, with on-demand parent education classes, Webby-award winning videos, The Motherly Podcast, essays, and articles, and a highly-engaged social media community. As co-founder and VP of Operations of IFundWomen, she has driven millions of dollars into the hands of female founders. IFundWomen's flexible crowdfunding platform combines a pay-it-forward model, expert startup coaching, professional video production, and a private community for its entrepreneurs, all with the goal of helping female entrepreneurs launch successful businesses. Prior to launching IFundWomen, Kate spent four years at Hines Interests, one of the largest and most respected real estate organizations in the world with more than $116 billion under management. Kate earned her BA from Colgate University and received a Masters of Professional Studies from Georgetown University. Nearly 10,000 mothers completed our sixth annual survey, conducted from Feb. 26 to March 13, 2023. To ensure our results represent today’s mothers accurately, we weighted the data to align with US Census demographic data. Our report focuses on the findings from millennial and Gen Z mothers, but we also provide some insights from Gen X mothers who participated in the survey. Findings continue to validate that today’s mothers are parenting without adequate structural support. Findings of the survey: The Great Resignation continues for mothers Self-care looks different as moms prioritize sleep over sex and friends Household and family responsibilities fall more on mothers than during the height of the pandemic Mental health is mom’s biggest worry 8 in 10 mothers worry about a recession and are making preemptive cuts The Great Resignation for Moms: Current events contradicting that: Discussion: It’s almost like we need a motherhood union. The great resignation reminds me of when unions first started and workers went on strike...

What effect do the holidays have on the mental load for women? The holidays are often some of the most stressful time of year, financially, emotionally and physically for many families. Creating the holiday magic often falls to the already full plate of the mom, so what can we do to have a hot-mess-less holiday season? Angies hot take covers:

How our partner's anger impacts the mental load for women and affects our kids What is the issue? We are part of a generation that wasn’t raised to think about kids’ feelings. Our parents didn’t ignore us, but they also weren’t as keyed in on emotional and social well-being as we are today. A big part of the mental load is that we’re the emotional backstop for everyone in the family and when both parents aren’t parenting from a place of emotional well being, it creates a disconnect that creates tension and another layer of the mental load: us managing our husband’s reactions to our style of parenting. What are the main emotional issues you feel like show up at your house? How does this show up? Psychological effects of being yelled at; https://mantracare.org/therapy/issues/psychological-effects-of-being-yelled-at/#:~:text=Being%20yelled%20at%20may%20cause,be%20verbally%20abusive%20to%20others. The body releases cortisol and adrenaline into your bloodstream You have more difficulty thinking: You might feel bad if someone yells at you: Also, you may feel depressed, anxious, or develop panic attacks: You might withdraw from others and isolate yourself:Some people express their feelings through anger: This article provides insight into how yelling can affect children psychologically. Yelling at a child may make them feel like they are not good enough and that there is something wrong with them. This could lead to negative self-esteem, low self-worth, and depression later in life. Yelling at a child often leads their brain’s amygdala to be triggered. This can make kids feel bad and have panic attacks or depression. Impacts sense of trust How does this show up in our households? Parenting Styles: Too permissive vs. Too aggressive How does having these two different parenting philosophies affect the mental load? How does this relate to the mental load? When we have different parenting styles, we spend a lot of headspace thinking about and planning for how to navigate it. What does this all come down to? Creating a parenting style that works for both of you. Why didn’t anyone tell us to have these conversations when we were dating/engaged? How can we fix this?

How routines help the mental load In our house, there's two versions of the mental load argument. Version 1 was "you just need to ask for help" now we're on to what I like to call 2.0 of the argument: "we just need a better routine". This statement sounds more progressive. It's action-oriented and inclusive. I said "we!". But here's the thing, routines aren't the entire solution. They don't absolve your partner from being an equal participant in whatever task needs to get done that you're currently handling alone. A routine isn't going to magically make your kids behave or stop meltdowns that make it difficult to get shit done by yourself. If I'm the only one who's currently handling a task while my partner is scrolling through his phone or watching TV, and you tell me "we just need a better routine" what I hear is: "you just need a better routine." But, we don't need a better routine. We have one. You need to participate in it more. Be the other half of the "we" in this life we chose to create together.

How does this affect mom's careers? “When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he’s viewing her as the manager of household chores. The problem is that planning and organizing things is already a full-time job. When we ask women to take on this task of organization and at the same time to execute a large portion, in the end it represents 75% of the work.” Why do moms end up with so much of the mental load, even in couples that value equality? What can we do about it? What should men be thinking about as they’re raising modern families that can better support the deep work or change the ratio of greedy work? Women are more likely to handle tasks that are time sensitive and occur frequently. When the average man does help around the house, he tends to take on more of the less frequent tasks, which are not as time sensitive and more easily outsourced, such as finances and yard work. What can/should companies do to shift this dynamic? What shifts in perspective do we as a society need to make in order to stop holding women back? Half of women in UK fear equality is going back to 1970s – survey | International Women's Day | The GuardianHow Thinking Of Everything Holds Mums BackLightening the Mental Load that Holds Women

The Mental Load: Why saying "Just ask for Help" is wrong On this hot take, Katlynn discusses why men in relationships should not say "you just need to ask for help". This makes women feel: The reality is that you chose to do this life together, so saying that she just needs to ask for help makes the mental load her problem, indicates that the things she thinks about are her job only and let's her know you don't think of them as mutual chores to share.

How the Patriarchy Affects the Mental Load This isn't a "fuck the patriarchy/white straight men suck" episode. This is an acknowledgment and discussion of facts. The facts are, that the patriarchy exists; by nature, it oppresses women and people of color; and it needs to be reformed. (which would then make it something new altogether) Society and institutions are made to evolve as they learn and I think we've learned enough about the patriarchy to make it clear that a lot needs to change. And, to be fair, outside of the economics of the patriarchy, I would say that it doesn't actually serve white men that well either, which we will dive in to as part of this epsidoe. What is patriarchy? It's very complicated, but in an oversimplified explanation: it's the idea that men have more power, dominance, and privilege than women. Men hold positions of power and women are less valued therefore end up oppressed. The ideas of the patriarchy infiltrate daily life. For example: women take men's names at marriage and their children get the male surnames. Another is that men hold most executive positions at companies and in government. They make decisions based on their worldview to the detriment of women. Obviously there are some parts we take bigger issue with than others. Values like rationale thinking are prioritized over emotions. It's primarily white and heterosexual. Behaviors are policed based on the social construct of these ideas. So what does this have to do with the mental load? The patriarchy built and maintains the systems we have today that do not help and support women. It also steers men's behavior in a way that does not support modern family life. It leads to deeply unsatisfied relationships on both sides of the equation although for different reasons. It really lays the foundation for the mental load. If you're inherently against things like male dominance and privilege, does that make you a feminist? And is being a feminist still looked down upon? Here's one definition I found: Many forms of feminism characterize patriarchy as a present-day unjust social system that subordinates, discriminates, and oppresses women. Feminists often view patriarchal ideology as the root cause of gender inequality. So going by that, yes, I guess I'd define myself as a feminist and I would not feel bad about that. Side note - isn't it the patriarchy that makes us feel bad about being a feminist? What mental load issues does the patriarchy keep in place? All these things end up falling primarily to women. Thus, we must mentally retain the details around them.

Shorter episodes and weekly hot takes are coming later this fall! The Mental Load will drop new season every summer and winter. This gives Angie and Katlynn time to research and create quality content during the off-season. Thanks to everyone who's supported us so far on this journey, we're excited to bring you some amazing guests and conversations soon.

Millennial women are getting divorced at higher rates and the reason is because of the mental load. The reality is women are not attracted to men we have to mother. We’re taught when we’re looking for relationships to look for someone we can take of. But that shit doesn’t change once you get married. Today we're joined by Felicia Kashevaroff. Owner of Tend Task and a divorced mom. We dive in deep to what it's like balancing the mental load as a single mom and how the mental load contributes to divorce. Plus, what she's doing to help change that. We ask: Connect with Felicia: website Instagram Email us: angie9130@gmail.com Show supporters: Jen Zamzow - A Well Lived Life Melissa Bloom GforcePR

What is the dad privilege? The dad privilege, maternal gatekeeping and the mental load. What is dad privilege? The internet says: it’s when dads are treated like heroes and get praised for doing the same shit that moms do every fucking day. Dads get praised for just showing up. “Aw, you planned dinners for the whole week!” “Aw, you brought your kids to the birthday party!” “Aw, you gave the baby a bath!” -_- We also say: it’s the ability to just do things in their lives without considering the bigger family picture/schedule: work late, go out for a beer after a long day, coming home from work (where you didn’t pick up the kids) and going straight to your room to “decompress”. Sleeping in when you didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. Putting yourself on bedrest with no questions asked when you’re sick. Basically the bar for dads is so low, don’t be a piece of shit, but for moms, it’s really high What is maternal gatekeeping? A mother’s belief about how much and whether or not a father should be involved in their kids’ lives. Basically it’s how we micromanage our spouses and how we try to create “perfection” within the household. This happens regardless of relationship status and comes into play when children come into the picture. Why? Women are taught that “mother knows best” so we seek validation through our way being “the right way” “Mothers might have a difficult time giving up responsibility for care of the family, might want to validate their role as mothers and be recognized for the sacrifices they make for their families, or might view the father as inept or even a danger to his children. This latter view might be based either on actual evidence, the father’s past behaviors, or her personal perceptions of him and his failures as a man and father. Furthermore, she might protect her child purely as a function of the child’s age. If the child is not old enough to verbalize his or her own needs and desires, she might feel qualified to make decisions and judgments for that child, thus becoming the monitor, supervisor, permission grantor, and controller of all others’ involvement with the child— including the father’s.” This belief causes her to behave in ways that can include: We are taught from a young age our worth and value comes from the home we keep and the children we raise. Moms have “more at stake” in the product (child) than dads since their value isn’t as closely related to the children themselves. In what ways do we gatekeep in our relationships? Do moms create or perpetuate the dad privilege? This behavior cuts our husbands off at the knees. Even if they want to participate, they don’t because - who wants to be micromanaged or judged? Aside from tapping out, what happens with our husbands in our relationships? What are our husband’s reactions? How do we change? What is one...

What are we teaching young boys and young girls about the mental load? What do our kids learn from watching their moms carry the mental load? One goal of this podcast is to break a generational cycle. What are we worried our sons are learning when we bear the mental load? "A popular squabble in my household stems from the fact that I bear the bulk of the mental load. My spouse—who’s a very involved and participatory partner—is still the guy that will make a plan to go to the playground with our kid, but won’t always remember to pack the sunscreen or a snack. (He’s working on it!) If I go, I’ve packed for every potential scenario. This anecdote isn’t meant to shame him; it’s more meant to illuminate a distinction about the way we—and most of my generation—were raised. Women were taught to take on invisible labor; men were not." How did we get to a point where girls and women are being encouraged to break barriers, but our sons and men aren't supporting the infrastructure needed to change? In the 80’s & 90’s girls were taught we could “do anything” (it was an ad campaign!). But the message for boys did not change during this time. So while we were being taught to break barriers and think in new ways outside of traditional gender roles, young boys were not being taught to consider how their roles might have to change. Boys witnessed both parents going to work, but the questions like “where is my…” “what’s for dinner” “When are we doing…” were still answered by mom. Likewise, girls learn the behaviors that perpetuate the cycle. This also sets a framework for how future relationships look like. We want to raise strong girls capable of self advocating. And we want to raise boys who can help bear the mental load in future relationships. How can we change what young boys and girls learn about the mental load? Feedback? Email Angie at: ang9130@gmail.com

Advice to fix the mental load How women can lighten the mental load Welcome, Melissa Bloom, energy coach! The most popular question we get is "how do I fix the imbalance? how do I get rid of or at least lighten the mental load?" It's a challenging issue because it has so many different facets to it. Enter, Melissa. As an energy coach, Melissa works with all kinds of clients to find balance and feel joy in their lives. The mental load, as we all know, takes a heavy toll on women personally and professionally. Here's her practical advice for solving the mental load: Buy Melissa's book 30 days of inspiration Path to Joy Podcast Melissa's Work