The Paternity Test
The podcast about three men diagnosed with chronic fatherhood.
The podcast about three men diagnosed with chronic fatherhood.
Episode 62: Hack My Thermostat
Episode 62: Hack My Thermostat They Dads are back, farmer-tanned and ready for action. Todd is getting good at small talk in his old age, but is it a sign of cognitive decline? And Todd can’t convince his soulless wife to cry along with him to sappy Dad songs. Meanwhile, Matt debates bringing his daughter to a concert she’s gonna hate. The Dads ponder how much they want to tie their homes to “The Internet of Things” – especially their fancy Japanese toilets. And Matt emcees some cooking...
Episode 61: An Excessive Amount of Magic
Why do Todd and Matt smell like lamb chops and adrenaline? A trip to a Brazilian steakhouse – full of traps to destroy your sausage party, like biscuits and cheese. GET THEE BEHIND ME, BISCUITS! In a post-Easter, breakdown, Todd and Matt are skeptical of the recent poll of “top jelly bean flavors by state”. Are frying pans supposed to suck? And in “Holidont’s”, Todd has a rudderless Easter, and Matt overdoes it so hard the cops come. And so do ants. E-mail us your thoughts at...
Episode 60: Nature's Bounty
“Pony Up Daddy” is the new Dad saddle that allows your child to humiliate you in comfort. Did we need this invention? In “Health Beat”, Todd halves his Jube Gel intake and goes into weight loss freefall. But where to stop? Speaking of which, Todd bought some dubiously named workout drinks that he probably doesn’t need, but it does taste like watermelon Slurpee. And in “Scarred for Life”, Matt brings Viva to perform at Windy City LIVE! and has to balance between ruining showbiz for her...
Episode 59: Bacon Fire
The Dads clue into the next big teen sensation – sucking on Nintendo games! Watch out, jenkem and butt-chugging! In “How the Better Half Live”, Matt tried to figure out his wife's rubric for watching TV: How can Westworld not be good enough if Teen Wolf is??? Oh, and Matt goes full Todd and buys a decibel meter so he can see if he's justified in being grumpy at his HVAC system. That's some real dadcore stuff! And in “So, Now You're Old”, Todd can no longer put his children to bed nor enjoy...
Episode 56: The Wrong Side of 40
Criss-Cross Applesauce? Sitting like a W? A Paternity Test investigation into how kids sit today. In “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven” - Viva's heaven is a lot like a production of “Starlight Express”, and Matt and Professor Foster go to war with the gods. Matt buys some “Inside Out” toys, but Viva's feelings are too big to watch movies. And in “So, Now You're Old” - Todd goes right over the hill and lands at a beef stand. Did he waste all his ionic supreme? E-mail us your thoughts at...
Episode 55: Dirty Florida
Happy New Year! Welcome to the start of another year of fake radio from Todd and Matt, the best friends you never met! New Year, New You for babies, who should now be eating... peanuts?! And Todd is dosing his dog with a peanut dust that would never make it through TSA. Speaking of Todd, he's back from a family vacation... is he the one who made the sign say, “Hollyweed”? Matt bought a very heavy vest – will it make him swole or just crippled? Say, how do you teach a kid to blow their...
Episode 53: Wearable Yogurt
Thought the "wet red bread" Facebook recipe videos were gross? The Dads just found the cocktail version, "Tipsy Bartender". Anyone for a Pokeymans Mudslide? Matt tries to watch some holiday TV but find "the Santa Paws" impossibly maudlin. At least he learned empathy for Christmas Frankensteins. Play-Doh – perfect snowman ingredient or winter nightmare fuel? Please don't forget to do your holiday shopping through our Amazon portal at paternitypodcast.com! Lazy gift givers, it is time to...
Episode 51: Yes, Virginia, There is a Lobster Claws
In this festive episode, Todd decorates for Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving at the same time – enjoy a cornucopia full of spooky peppermints! Meanwhile, Matt convinces some international students to put up his decorations to.. broaden their cultural horizons? Todd's wife leaves town for a week, and the wheels come off his domestic life. Is there an app for this? Speaking of Todd, he's considering becoming the Grabowski Gizmoduck on a mini-Segway. If not that, then he at least wants...
Episode 48: Your Feelings Are Valid, Charlie Brown
The Dads, along with Viva, parse the abusive language of “It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and examine the less popular entries into the series, like “Life Aboard the Mayflower Was Hell, Charlie Brown”, and “The Carter Era Was a National Malaise, Charlie Brown”. In “Scary Clowns”, the Dads announce the death of evangelical cartoonist Jack T. Chick, and do a dramatic re-enactment of the legendary “Dark Dungeons”. Plus, Alex's school issues a warning against would-be prairie clowns....
Episode 47: Meat Jenga
If the meat tower topples, everyone loses. I hope you all realize that we were tracking Scary Clowns long before they were the new Shark Attacks. We have always been here for you, in our Clown Proof Bunker, waiting with open arms. Todd has lost 20 pounds on the “Overpriced Herb Capsule and Starvation” diet! Halloween means buying costume – buy yours on the Amazon portal and keep this show going! Matt continues his adventures on campus by placing his mouth under the soft serve spigot for...
Episode 46: Scary Clown Heat Map
If the clowns haven't carved out your innards with a balloon sword yet, it's time for a new episode! Matt has moved onto a college campus and is deeply ashamed to have left the city. What's a metrosexual without the metro? Just a “sexual”? Todd watches the debates with his kids and becomes so deeply depressed he decides to start a third political party. Perhaps you'd like to join? E-mail us your thoughts at firstname.lastname@example.org or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!...
Episode 45: My Mind's Nose
The Paternity Podcast is the only podcast about brunch-flavored candy corn you'll ever need. It's an old bit but a good bit - Todd's up to Tooth Fairy business again – and stuff just got real with Ellie's investigations. Are Chicken Fries fries? Are Cheetohs toes? Are Cheetoh Chicken Fries gross? A TPT investigation – plus: brunch flavored candy corn? What fresh hell is this? Professor Foster is buying potpourri, and the supersmellers in the house are none too happy. And – Apple watches,...
Episode 41: Live from First Ascent Chicago
This week Matt podcasts live from First Ascent Chicago with special guest Taylor Wood, a fellow blogger for Chicago Parent. Join them as the discuss the corporatization of Lemonade stands, the cut throat underbelly of parking in Chicago neighborhoods and don't miss the on-air epic battle between two tiny superheros!
Episode 37: Mars Cheese Castle
Welcome back! It's been a while. Matt hates New York-style pizza, but all the dads admit that the Brooklyn pizza box made out of pizza isn't the worst idea ever. Matt took his daughter to the Rainforest Cafe and Mars Cheese Castle in the same day. Tons of kitsch, tons of crayons, and, because of their seating, not nearly enough robot dinosaurs. Dave tells a tale of the saddest Friendly's ever. Amazon keeps recommending that Todd buys Kuba Kickz, which are basically brass knuckles that...
Episode 36: Victoria Secret's Rapture
Suzy Qs are back, and they're even bigger garbage than the ones from your childhood. Dave saw Magic Leap augmented reality, and realized that it and nothing else is the future. Then he threw his Oculus Rift in the toilet, because really, what's the point? Todd bought his wife perfume, like a seventeen-year-old looking for a prom date. Matt's looking at several schools for his daughter, Viva. One's locked down like a prison because it's in Chicago. One is Catholic, so the steeple bursts...
Episode 19: Liam Neeson Macaroni
Welcome to Episode 19, and not a moment too soon. The dads discuss collectible mac and cheese boxes, and the idea that now there are dead Star Wars characters on the box. Dave regales the dads with a cautionary tale on not getting your '99 Honda tuned up. Matt figures out how the mom from Signs could have lived a long, happy life. Dave doesn't know why cops drive SUVs. The dads find the missing link between cavemen and the Commodores. It's a sculpture made by a blind girl in an 80s music...
Episode 16: Styrofoam Lung
Episode 16: Styrofoam Lung by featuring Matt Boresi, Dave Engel, and Todd Jay
Episode 15: Two-Headed Ghost
Stop crying, did you really think a crummy 80's sequel could predict a baseball outcome? Speaking of the 80's, look, disturbing PSAs are back: Check it out! Good news, teens... armpit wipes are here! Todd hates all holidays, but Halloween has scarred him the worst, probably because of his youthful attempts at thrifty creativity. Matt want those pesky kids to get off his lawn with their 3D movies and their somber space opera and bad wigs. And in a cross-cultural feat of public humiliation...